sleep is the key

I finally got a decent night of sleep, and I feel so much better mentally today. Physically, I still feel like shit, but whatev. (I did send an email to my oncologist asking her to call in some magic mouthwash for me. My mouth hurts so freaking bad).

a tuesday truth: lawyer edition

I just learned of another local attorney suicide. These happen relatively frequently. This profession just chips away at your mental wellbeing, and getting out is nearly impossible. Once you take on clients, you are kind of fucked. It’s a never ending cycle of misery most days, tbh. I do not recommend that anyone ever go into private practice.

A few years back, my landlord (who had his own legal practice) killed himself because he didn’t see a way out. I know another guy that shot himself under a bridge because it became too much. Others just become alcoholics (hello) or drug addicts to deal with the stress. It’s not pretty.

more boring bullshit

Today was a grumpy, literally painful day. I think I’m maxed out on over the counter pain meds. Might be time to pull out the big guns. I’ve got some oxy somewhere.

I only made it 1.2 miles tonight before I came back inside. It’s cold and wet and miserable.

I’m in a shoppy mood. I want to go to the outlet malls this weekend.

Jackson will be with us at least until we hear Abby’s covid results. So far she and Grant are fine, but several of her coworkers are pretty damn sick. I told him to be prepared to be here for a couple of weeks. I really hope they don’t have it, especially my ex. He has lung issues.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, like even more so than usual. I think it’s the extra anxiety surrounding the law firm. There is just so much to do, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

I got my shitty haircut fixed, and now my hair is really short. Worth it. I’m salty with my stylist though, and I don’t know if I’m going to go back to her. I had it fixed by someone else, and she did a good job, is cheaper, and closer.

I have nothing interesting to say anymore. Sigh. My entire life is just me going through the motions until I can read or drink. Welcome to 2020.

I just read through my mom’s recent Facebook posts (I have her shit hidden), and Jesus fucking Christ I wish I could unsee it. I don’t understand what happened to her. I love her, but fuuuuuuuuck. She drank all the Trumper kool-aid, apparently. I’ve tried reasoning with her, but it’s pointless.

Ugh

The kids and I got stuck in a Trump parade today, and it was awful. His supporters are the fucking worst. It makes me really sad that my mom is a Trumper. I don’t get how anyone still supports this pile of human trash.

Having made the big career decision, everything looks and feels different now.

I have to break some news this week. There will be tears.

It’s time, though. It’s definitely time.

I keep getting tipsy and in my feels, which isn’t actually a bad thing, but it does result in my drunk texting a few people. I just think that I should tell people how I feel while I still can.

We’re dealing with possible covid exposure so the Halloween party is likely a no-go. My ex’s gf was exposed via a coworker. We’re waiting on her test results. I think we’re fine, but better to be safe. Nobody has any symptoms as of now.

It’s Sunday night, and I have a lot to do this week. I’m not really anxious though. Mostly just resigned.

Everything will be alright.

Freya interviewed me today for her journalism class, because I’m “the most interesting adult [she] knows.” Awww.

I know some ladies who are super bitter about their MBC diagnoses, and I get it; I really do. But I’m still happy with my life. Talking to Frey today about how I broke free of my shitty childhood, and found myself where I am today…well it reminded me that this life is everything I always wanted. I may not get to have it as long as I would have liked, but I did it. I got it. And it is even better than I hoped for. Never forget. ♥️