I’m so very tired. The fatigue never ends. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I’m always ready for more.

Despite this, today has been a good news day!

1. Jackson’s covid test was negative!

2. Positive change is afoot for D, and I think his anxiety is finally starting to abate.

3. Social Security finally got back to me about my appeal! The lady told me exactly what they need in order to finish the review. I worked on it most of the day, and if is ready to be submitted tomorrow. Thank goodness I didn’t hire that lawyer. We were supposed to have a consultation today! That prob saved me like $6k (assuming I’m approved). My only concern is that my hourly rate is quite high, and I’m worried that I made too much money at the beginning of the year.

D is meeting up with his old band mates tonight, and Frey has practice until 8:30, so it’s just me and Jack tonight. I’m looking forward to some quality time with just him.

That’s all for now. I’m going to read some more and try not to fall asleep again. Ritalin doesn’t really help anymore. It’s…not great.

• I’m loving the dreary weather.
• I have a cat on my lap, and a dog by my feet.
• I’m having a rather productive day.
• But working on estate planning is pretty fucking depressing.
• My lymphedema arm is achy, and that’s no good.
• My ex-husband is driving my bonkers.
• Jackson needs a covid test. That’s set for late tomorrow morning.
• My goal for the week is to get moving again: walking, running, beach body or shred, whatever feels doable.
• Honestly, I’m a mess, but I keep trying. I give what I can, when I can.

Shit has been kind of a mess around here. Lots of emotions. It’s been difficult.

But there is good stuff, too. I’m grateful for all the time I’m getting to spend with D and Jackson. Freya is never here, so I haven’t seen much of her. Teens. Sigh.

I saw something that triggered me big time today. Our friend, whose wife died of cancer a few years back, is dating someone, and he’s posting shit like. “I can’t imagine my life without you,” and that feels like someone stabbing me in the heart. That will probably be D someday. I just can’t…

I took a double dose of Ativan and locked myself in my room. I blocked out most of the sunlight. I really need to get some room darkening shades up here. Especially since this room is also our guest room, and we have two weekends of hosting guests coming up. Sounds like a good project for next weekend. It gets really bright in here – like being on the surface of the fucking sun.

I need to order my Halloween costumes. The month is flying by. Time is not on my side.

I’m sorta bummed. I signed up for the FMS worldwide gift exchange, but my person is in fucking New Mexico. That’s not exciting at all. Lol.

My neighbors really went overboard with the Halloween decorations this year, and I fucking hate it. I find it to be ugly and trashy. It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine: outdoor decorations in a nice neighborhood. I’m not trying to steal anyone’s joy, just saying it’s hideous. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another pet peeve? When people claim to have read books when they actually only listened to the audio version. Sorry – that doesn’t count as reading.

I only wrote this post because I felt like I needed to post something here. I’m mostly keeping to myself. Lots of reading. Binging BCS still.

This week is a busy court week. I think I have an appearance every day but Thursday. And I’m planning on going into the office for a bit tomorrow.

My oncologist wants to see me, but I think I’m going to blow her off.

I just don’t care anymore. I need a break.

And I’m so fucking angry. I have nowhere to put all the anger. I’m sick of the positive attitude bullshit. Fucking eat my dick.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, because we need the money. I feel like such a drain on our family. But the other part of me is like: no way. I don’t want to devote the little time I have left to fucking bankruptcy law. Not that I’m doing anything particularly exciting otherwise. I’m just sitting around being depressed and sleeping a lot like a fucking waste.

I hate myself.

My friend bought me this lovely robe as part of a huge care package she sent me earlier this week. I adore it. It’s lovely and oh so soft.

Anyway – the best part of the package? She sent me her newest book, and she included this beautiful note. I was speechless!!

Oh and you should buy it! She’s legit good.

Nothing new here. Just more depression.

I’m extremely frustrated.

Woke up feeling ill, so I had to get a covid test. It was negative, thankfully, but what a pain in the ass. The at-home test I bought for this a while back was recalled, so that was a waste of $40.

Spent my entire afternoon at Big Barnes seeing a bone doc, who has no idea what is wrong with me. So now I have more tests and my case will eventually be presented to the spinal tumor board. I just don’t care anymore, honestly.

D is not in a great place right now, and I’m worried about him.

I’m behind on everything because I’m either always sick or in/at a hospital. Even the tiniest things feel super overwhelming.

I’m two pounds above my nope weight, so that’s great. I am trying hard not to care, because it’s really the least of my problems, but I don’t feel great about it.

I feel…hideous, overlooked, worthless, and like a huge burden.

I’m not feeling well. The biggest issue is that I feel a migraine coming on. The oh so familiar pain in my head, accompanied by dizziness, light sensitivity, and extreme nausea. Oh joy.

At least it waited until we got home.

I bailed on my oncology appointment this morning. I don’t feel like doing the cancer center bullshit today. Especially since I’ll be at Big Barnes tomorrow afternoon anyway.

I took this pic yesterday on the drive in, and I really like it.

I’m excited to see the kids, and the dog. I just wish I felt better. The kitties were very excited to see me yesterday, and they haven’t really left my side since.

Larry sent some more pics last night:

Ugh – I need to lose some weight.