The Day After The Day

Yesterday, my upper back started to ache most fiercely. This has happened before – when I was in the hospital – and it occurred to me that it’s likely an indication that the cancer has spread. Feels like it could be from a spinal met. It’s excruciating, and is causing some weakness in my left leg. So that’s fun. A combo of morphine, oxy, Tylenol, and repeated use of the heating pad has barely taken the edge off. It’s always something with this body.

I still don’t have my other issues under control, but they are at least better than they were. I’ll take what I can get.

I don’t know…sometimes I worry that I’m closer to weeks than months. It’s getting harder to imagine still being here a month from now. I don’t know how much more this body can take.

Yesterday, when I was feeling better, I made plans to see friends tonight, and I’m hopeful I can get my pain levels under control so we can honor that. It would do us both good to get out of the house. I just really need to be distracted for a while.

It’s hard to believe Thanksgiving is over. Everyone is now in full on Christmas mode. It’s time to start working on my gifts. I want to get them done early. Just in case. No procrastination this year, Jenn.

In the middle of the night

  • I’m wide awake at 2:48 am, because of course I am.
  • Happy Thanksgiving! ❤️
  • Reminder to self: watch Walk The Line with Jackson. (He’s really into Johnny Cash right now).
  • I love that movie. Reese Witherspoon is the cutest June Carter Cash, I swear. When they sing “Jackson” – swoon.
  • D wants my blog to be printed and bound after I’m gone. I found a place to do it, but I’m worried they aren’t prepared for the sheer volume of my words. This blog goes back to Sept 2012, and I’ve written a lot. Maybe they can break it into volumes per year? I need to call and work with someone directly.
  • By the way, D promised me he’d post an announcement here after I pass, so you won’t be left wondering. I also can’t promise I won’t schedule a post for after I’m gone. Is that creepy? “This is me from beyond the grave.” Wooooo. Lol.
  • Sometimes you have to laugh about it.
  • Yesterday, we watched Les Mis and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Then D watched some terrible shit called Kentucky Fried Movie. We are watching more movies today. He mentioned wanting to watch the Godfather movies. I don’t really care so much what we watch. I just want to spend the day hanging on the couch together. We will eat leftovers and be chill.
  • Earlier in the week, he showed me a very strange movie called Better Off Dead. I didn’t hate it, but I think it’s one of those movies you can only really love if you watched it back in its day.
  • It has always been, and continues to be, strangely soothing to recount these mundane details of my life.
  • I’m still not reading much. I’m hoping to finish my current read over the weekend. After that, I’ll try to find something to get my head back in the game. Though I’ve read 141 books this year, so maybe I just need a break. My head is all over the place nowadays.

The Legacy Project

I really need to step up my game, as I’m running out of time.

I’m working on letters, photo books, and videos. I’m considering professional pics, but idk because we also take plenty of good ones with our phones, and I prefer candid photos. I’m trying to figure out what else I can leave behind. Ultimately, I know nothing will be perfect. I’ve considered getting a Rubbermaid container for each of them and filling it with stuff I specifically want them to have. Christmas is going to be way sentimental this year. I’m giving all the “I love you/remember me” sort of gifts.

A little whimsy

(D’s favorite word. Lol. Sorry – inside joke).

Anyway – so this is a list of the stuff I bought at Walgreens yesterday just because it made me smile.

  • Play doh – i love the way it smells and feels.
  • A pretty “R” keychain.
  • A box of three mini nutcracker ornaments.
  • A pair of black gloves with touchscreen friendly fingertips.
  • A tube of Jergens lotion infused with oils.
  • A box of Hot Tamales.

They had a cute little Christmas display that turned my head. I’ll go back soon for stocking stuffers. I love Walgreens. Always have. I like to walk around and look at all the things.

But my best purchase yesterday? Dulcolax Suppositories. Oh sweet relief. I feel better right now than I have in weeks, and I’m so very thankful.

the palliative doc

I had a Zoom appointment with her this morning. D joined us for the first time at her request. She wanted to meet him.

I caught her up with everything that has been going on, and she had some helpful suggestions for the constipation issues. She also said that I need to keep taking my pain meds, despite the fact that they slow things down further, and that we will work around it by increasing the bowel regimen. I needed to hear her say that. I deserve not to be in pain all the time. D says I whimper in my sleep.

D asked, and she answered: I have weeks to months to live, given the bowel perforation and aggressive, treatment resistant nature of the cancer. I am going to re-start chemo on Monday and hope that gets me to the new year. Like I keep saying: I really want one last Christmas.

D broke down when he realized how unlikely it is I will be here for his 50th birthday in June. It breaks my heart. I want to be there more than anything.

I keep wondering if I’ll make it to NYE. Should we even make plans? I should try to have fun while I still can, right?

This is all such a mind fuck. Trying to live and be happy in the face of this insurmountable tragedy. It’s just so very unfair.

In the meantime, I ate two cinnamon rolls and had chocolate milk for breakfast. Fuck it. It’s time to enjoy all the things. I went to Walgreens to buy suppositories, and ended up buying a bunch of little cutesy things to make myself smile. I deserve happiness, fun, treats, etc.

Around noon, D and I will start on the turkey and stuffing. We are also making mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, and rolls. I bought pumpkin pie for the kids (and a slice of cheesecake for myself). I also have cheese and crackers to snack on. Part of me knows I have to be cautious with what I consume today, and the other part says fuck it. Just fucking fuck it. Eat what you want. Enjoy it while you can.

It’s going to be weird to have a Thanksgiving Part 2 tomorrow. But I’m grateful to get this time with the kids.

Weeks to months. Here we go.

Committed

To trying to be less of a Debbie Downer. I’ve really gotten into some dark shit in my head, and I need a break. I want to be more hopeful. I want to enjoy the time I have left. It won’t be easy, and I won’t be perfect, but I’m going to try.

Gratitude

It’s Thanksgiving week, and I’m working on my gratitude. Things have been difficult af these past six months, and it seems like it’s just getting worse all the time. It’s hard to be grateful when you constantly feel terrible, but I am still grateful to be here. I’m grateful for every good moment I can spend with my family. It doesn’t always look the way I wish it would, but I’m lucky to still be here, despite everything. Today, I’m looking for the good in my life.