I used to be too thin.

I can actually see that now. With eyes this big and a face that thin, I looked like a fucking alien.

Once, during my super skinny from cancer phase, I revived an anonymous message on Tumblr telling me I looked like the snowman from Frozen. *lol sob* But I totally see it now.

Anyway – I still want to lose the five pounds of quarantine weight, but I can honestly say, maybe for the first time ever, I feel comfortable with my looks. I don’t care about my weight so much; I care about my strength.I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t hate my body. Yeah, it’s a treacherous bitch, but it has carried me through some shit, and keeps on keeping on. Is this acceptance?

Maybe I just realize now that time is too short to waste on worrying about stupid shit like my weight. I want to use every moment doing the things I love. Thanks, cancer.

You know my motto: the future is no place to place your better days.

Eat the cake.

Buy the dress.

Take the trip.

SOMETHING OF AN END

This had me in my feels on the drive home from the office today. (Otherwise, it was quite enjoyable to get out of the house for a few hours).

img_0574

When you came jumping down the stairs
Screaming bloody awful
You woke up God and everyone
Screaming bloody awful

So we took you to the doctor
He said yeah it’s a bad one
And it’s such a shame about it
‘Cause she’s so pretty

And then the earth started shaking
And yeah it was crazy
Heaven and hell came crashing down
And then the earth started shaking
Yeah it was crazy
Heaven and hell came crashing
They came crashing

It was beautiful and terrible
So beautiful and terrible

The phone call
You never expect
Did somebody get it yet
It’s a sound you never forget

Because the earth starts shaking
And yeah it’s crazy
Heaven and hell come crashing down
And then the earth starts shaking
Yeah it’s so crazy
Heaven and hell come crashing
They come crashing
They come cr-cr-crashing

It’s so beautiful and terrible
So beautiful and terrible

It was something of an end
Of a lovely and a wild thing
So beautiful in the morning
You’re beautiful
So beautiful
You’re beautiful in the morning

And I can’t seem to get it through your head
No matter what I do
I can’t seem to get it through your head
That I always love you

 

**If you have never listened to My Brightest Diamond you are missing out. Her sound is haunting and beautiful. I first discovered her back in the early 2000’s when she opened for The Decemberists at The Pageant.

pieces of me

Last night, I was talking to D about career stuff, and mentioned how being a lawyer is a huge part of who I am. I wouldn’t be the same Jenn if I gave it up. I know that it’s a high stress job, but we shouldn’t discount the stress of starting over, whether that’s doing something new or just working at another firm. For all the stress of running a business, and there is a lot, at least at the end of the day I have the final say. That’s a freedom I don’t know if I’m ready to give up. I feel like walking away from this firm would break my heart.

During this conversation, I reminded D of this bio I wrote in the 5th grade and posted here recently:

Even as a 5th grader, I touched upon three of my defining traits:

  1. I fucking love cats.
  2. I’m obsessed with reading.
  3. I’m a motherfucking lawyer. It’s in my bones. Like DMB says: I love you because I can’t stop.