I’m the kind of person that sets reminders on her calendar for book releases.

One By One (Ruth Ware) was released today, and I just now downloaded my copy. I know what I’m doing for the next few hours (until my husband gets home).

I was supposed to have dinner with C tonight, but I’m just too wiped out to function. Fucking Ibrance. Today had been a struggle. My husband could tell something was off just from our text exchanges thoughout the day.

Sigh.

It doesn’t help that I barely slept last night. I really hope I can get some restful sleep tonight. If not, at least I have a much awaited book the read.

I have the compulsion to beat myself up for not being better or trying harder, but I’m really, really trying not to go there. I have to show myself some grace, right?

I used to be too thin.

I can actually see that now. With eyes this big and a face that thin, I looked like a fucking alien.

Once, during my super skinny from cancer phase, I revived an anonymous message on Tumblr telling me I looked like the snowman from Frozen. *lol sob* But I totally see it now.

Anyway – I still want to lose the five pounds of quarantine weight, but I can honestly say, maybe for the first time ever, I feel comfortable with my looks. I don’t care about my weight so much; I care about my strength.I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t hate my body. Yeah, it’s a treacherous bitch, but it has carried me through some shit, and keeps on keeping on. Is this acceptance?

Maybe I just realize now that time is too short to waste on worrying about stupid shit like my weight. I want to use every moment doing the things I love. Thanks, cancer.

You know my motto: the future is no place to place your better days.

Eat the cake.

Buy the dress.

Take the trip.