I’m not ready for this, but also: let’s do this already.
My tumor marker results from yesterday’s labs haven’t been published to my online patient chart yet, which is unusual. It makes me think that they are really high and she isn’t letting me see them until we talk so I don’t freak out. I don’t like it. Just let me know wtf is going on. Not knowing is way worse for me.
You know what sucks? I get anxiety about going to bed, something which used to bring me such joy, because I know that I’m going to toss and turn and wake up sweaty and be miserable all night. I know I’ll wake up exhausted and grumpy in the morning. It makes me sad.
Cancer can eat a fucking dick.
My panic attacks have significantly decreased, and I’m taking way less Xanax.
Score for Team Jenn.
I wake at 4 am. It’s making me crazy. And exhausted.
Went to bed around 12:30 and was awake again by 4.
I never sleep well the night before treatment.
I don’t have to set an alarm tomorrow, and it feels glorious. My first appointment isn’t until 11, so I plan to sleep in if my body will allow it. I took my first dose of Lexapro tonight, so I’m nervous I’m not going to be feeling well tomorrow. Send good vibes, please.
My first therapy session went really well. I really like her a lot. She’s super easy to talk to, and we dug into a lot of shit, which is normal for session 1. Topics included: cancer (obvi), relationship stuff, self-esteem/body image issues, swinging/lifestyle stuff, parenting, and my career/the law firm. I’m going to be seeing her every two weeks for now. I felt heard/seen/accepted. It was good. I should have done this a while ago.
It’s going to be one of those nights where I don’t sleep.
I had the appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon via Zoom. It went the full hour, which I was kind of surprised about. She was extremely thorough. I was crazy nervous about this appointment for some reason, but it went well. She was kind. I feel good about our treatment plan. We’re adding in Lexapro, but we are going to start out at a very low dose to ease me into it. Last time I took Lexapro, it made me really sick. Luckily, I have Zofran and Compazine this time – so that should help. For my insomnia and panic disorder – we are going to stick with Trazadone and Xanax. I feel better about things.
[Tomorrow afternoon is my first appointment with the therapist. I’m anxious about that, too. I’m essentially anxious about everything all the time anymore.]
It was interesting talking to the psychiatrist about my history with anxiety. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a child. Growing up the way I did, I was always on edge. Always worried. Never slept well. When I got a bit older, I became obsessed with ways that I might die: natural disasters and airplanes were two huge triggers for me for years. I actually avoided traveling because I was too scared to fly. I still don’t love it, but I can do it. Now I’m obsessed over how I will die from this cancer – what that will look like. I’m also obsessed in an unhealthy way about what my loved ones will do after I go; like it’s causing nervous breakdowns/meltdowns/tantrums. It’s not good. I’m hope the combination of drugs and therapy will help me feel calmer and less out of control.
I submitted an online inquiry to a therapist. Her office is out of Nashville, but she offers virtual appointments to Missouri residents because she grew up in STL. She came highly recommended by my therapist friend, so I hope it works out. My friend actually said she would be the best one in her practice to work with me, but obviously that is not allowed.
In other news, tonight is date night. The kids have been picked up by the other parents, and so it’s just me and D. This morning started out quite nicely with an enthusiastic bang, so hopefully there will be some more of that tonight. There will also be Petrichor – we are picking up dinner and beer from them tonight. Mmm West Coast IPA. I think we might be watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 – even though we kind of hated the first one – because we need to keep moving through our Marvel movie marathon.
We’re not exercising tonight. We were going to go on a walk, but it is going to storm. I’m actually looking forward to just chilling and (hopefully) not worrying about anything except enjoying my husband’s company. I’m trying really hard to train my brain not to go down those deep, dark, scary rabbit holes. I get lost in there and can’t find my way out. No bueno.
Usually in the middle of the night.