Thankful af for Ativan. It will keep me going.
Panic attacks at 5 am. Ugh.
Yesterday, I read a post in my support group from a 40-yo mom with three young kids who will be dying from MBC in the next few months. She’s riddled with cancer from head to toe and is out of treatment options. To say it was triggering would be an understatement.
I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard.
I’ve taken a bunch of valium today, and my body is more relaxed than it has been in like forever. I think I need to switch. Its muscle relaxing qualities are pretty amazing.
My psych told me that my job is to relax and take care of myself. She said she knows it’s difficult for an over achiever like me to allow themself to do so without a lot of guilt, but that she wants me to work on it. So I’m currently lying down and resting for a few hours before I head out to run some errands. Like she said: I didn’t choose this life, but I choose to make the best of it.
Also – I keep reminding myself that this is technically my retirement. I should do things that make me happy. What’s the point of feeling guilty about it? It is what it is.
I’m not ready for this, but also: let’s do this already.
My tumor marker results from yesterday’s labs haven’t been published to my online patient chart yet, which is unusual. It makes me think that they are really high and she isn’t letting me see them until we talk so I don’t freak out. I don’t like it. Just let me know wtf is going on. Not knowing is way worse for me.
You know what sucks? I get anxiety about going to bed, something which used to bring me such joy, because I know that I’m going to toss and turn and wake up sweaty and be miserable all night. I know I’ll wake up exhausted and grumpy in the morning. It makes me sad.
Cancer can eat a fucking dick.
My panic attacks have significantly decreased, and I’m taking way less Xanax.
Score for Team Jenn.
I wake at 4 am. It’s making me crazy. And exhausted.
Went to bed around 12:30 and was awake again by 4.
I never sleep well the night before treatment.
I don’t have to set an alarm tomorrow, and it feels glorious. My first appointment isn’t until 11, so I plan to sleep in if my body will allow it. I took my first dose of Lexapro tonight, so I’m nervous I’m not going to be feeling well tomorrow. Send good vibes, please.