confession

I’ve come out to my husband already, and so I’m just going to say it here:

I’m depressed; like in a dark place and should probably take meds depressed.

I have no motivation. I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. My anxiety is raging. I can’t sleep. I cry for no reason. I’m wanting to isolate myself (even more than usual). I’m angry. It’s not good.

It’s not really surprising considering my history with depression combined with the massive changes in my body over the last couple of months. The complete loss of estrogen is a huge fucking deal.

I tried Effexor, but that just made things worse. I got suicidal. I don’t particularly want to take meds, but I know I should at least consider it. I need to get a new primary care doc like asap.

My current plan is to increase my exercise. I do usually feel a lot better mentally when I’m exercising regularly. And hopefully find a way to get more restful sleep. I’ve been taking Benadryl at bedtime for allergies and it has helped a bit with my insomnia. Also, D has kicked the cat out of the bedroom because she kept waking us (mostly me) up. That has helped a lot too.

It feels good to just say it, actually. Like a bit of the burden has been lifted. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m okay when I’m really not. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fun or good moments/days.  Just overall…I’m feeling down and I need love and understanding to help me through it.

xoxo

 

 

just one step at a time

I’ve been up since about 4:30 am worrying about various things. Around 5:30 am, I decided it was stupid to lie around worrying about stuff, when I could just get up and do some of the stuff. So I did. I got to the office super early. I cleared a bunch of stuff off my desk. Also, I am now >this< close to being done with these fucking responses that are due on Friday. I think maybe they’re sort of good. I feel like they are persuasive, and that’s what really matters. I don’t actually have to do the oral arguments until July 20, but I’m sort of locked into whatever I write in these written responses, so…stress.

Of course, I also awoke to various emails, court filings, and emergencies, so the stress just keeps on keeping on. But at least I’m making some sort of progress. Sometimes that’s all you can hope for. I get a strange satisfaction from literally marking something off my to-do list.

I typically work from home on Mondays, so I’m going to pack up in a bit and head back to the homestead. I will then finish my writing for the day, and maybe even find time for a run before the bestie comes over tonight to hang out.

Maybe this will help?

  • My anxiety is raging.
  • I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.
  • I regret daily the decision to have my ovaries removed.
  • On the flip side, I commend myself on having the courage to go through with it. Because I knew. And I did it anyway.
  • The silver lining of feeling completely overwhelmed by my life is that I’m starting to do and say whatever I want. Fuck the consequences.
  • I want to be clear for my husband’s sake: none of this is about my home life. My home life is awesome.
  • My professional life? That’s another story entirely.
  • My self-esteem? In the toilet.
  • The thing is…if I’ve fought so very hard just to stay alive, then the rest of these decisions/issues should be easy right? I’ve already done the hardest part. I mean, I’ve literally allowed parts of my body to be cut off just to stay alive.
  • Cool, cool, cool.
  • Everything feels harder at 2:33 am.
  • Nothing is fucked, Jenn. It may feel fucked, but you’ve got this.
  • Remember what you told D: what if instead of faking it, this is just what making it looks like? Nobody said it was going to be easy, and I’m pretty fucking sure nobody else feels like they have it all under control either. Everybody is faking it.

it hit like a fucking bullet

We’re about fifty miles from home now, and my mind has already started listing out all the work shit that absolutely must get done this week; including one huge thing that is causing me much anxiety. Because where do I even start with that monster project? Oh and my business partner is on vacation this entire week…because of course. So when will I even find the time??

Ugh…the weekend is over, peeps. Back to the crushing, stressful hell that is lawyer life.

Thinking of you

One of my best friends is having surgery this morning and she is very much on my mind.

I know she’s going to be just fine, but I also know how much surgery sucks, and how scary it is.

Sending you all the good vibes and love, C.

❤️💚💜💛💙

anxiety

I didn’t sleep well last night. My thoughts were racing all night, and I just couldn’t relax as a result. After taking enough Melatonin to put out a large beast, I finally passed out, but I slept fitfully.

I’m worried about various work related things.
I’m worried about finances. We’re fine, but the wedding is such a huge expenditure, and I feel broke as a result.
I’m worried because this is the slow season at the firm and this is not a good time for the slow season.
I’m worried that we’re going to have to change and/or reschedule our honeymoon due to hurricane damage.
I’m worried that this damn medication isn’t going to work for me and that I will live a pain filled existence.
I’m worried that I’ll wake up in pain and/or with swollen joints on our wedding day.
I’m worried that I’m forgetting something important that needs to be done.
I’m worried that my wedding dress isn’t going to fit.
I’m worried that the exes will be sad on our wedding day, and I don’t want them to be sad. I don’t want them to care at all, but is that realistic? Prob not. I don’t pretend to know how D’s ex will feel, but I’m certain my ex will be upset and I hate that. I hate that my happiness is at his expense.
I’m worried that my wedding vows are going to suck. I have so much I want to say to him, and I feel incapable of eloquently expressing my feelings.
I’m worried about so much more, but it’s too much to post.

This is normal, right? I hope this is normal. I used to take Xanax to help with this sort of thing, but I haven’t taken that shit in a long time. I’m hoping that a chill night with D will help get me in a better state of mind.

just breathe 

I feel exhausted. I keep almost falling asleep while driving. Not good. Not good. 

Chronic fatigue is a real medical condition. I need to remember just how much I’ve endured, and stop giving myself shit for practicing self-care.

I’m stressed. I feel like everyone needs something from me, and I’m running out of stuff to give. 

But nobody said it would be easy. Right? 

I’m currently relaxing in my giant tub with bubbles, candles, and red wine. I have a man who loves and supports me. I have two amazing kids. I have awesome friends, and a kick ass career. 

Everything’s gonna be just fine.

just a passenger

I have Sunday night anxiety in a big way. I haven’t had this in several weeks. I’m bummed that it’s back. I think it has something to do with the court hearing I have tomorrow morning.

In at attempt to quell said anxiety, I have taken two Tylenol PM. I am happy/proud to say that I haven’t had any Xanax or Lorazepam in over a month now. Go Jenn!

While I’m waiting to fall asleep, I figured I’d do a weekend recap –

  • Friday night was very chill. The boy and I hung out at home. I did much reading. This has actually been a very reading intensive weekend. I finished four books (though 2 were novellas to be fair) and I started a fifth.
  • I also started packing! I started with my closet. There is still a lot to do, but I can’t do more without acquiring some more packing supplies. I guess I know what I’m doing tomorrow after work.
  • Last night, D & I went out for dinner and drinks. We played some foosball. Then we headed over to The Ready Room for the Drowners/The Joy Formidable show. It was so, so, so good.
  • Today (Sunday) has been very relaxing. I woke up with all of my loves in one place, which always makes me happy. It’s crazy to think that in just a couple of months that will be happening regularly. After D & Freya headed home, Jackson and I chilled. We watched shows and hung out in a giant pile of blankets & pillows on the couch. I read and journaled. Then watched GoT, which was amazing. It was a good day.
  • I’m sad that the weekend is mostly over. It always goes too quickly.
  • Oh well. Gotta make that money to pay for the house and all the beautiful things I want to buy to put in it.