This is the post that fucked me up.

Sometimes I distance myself from reality enough to think that I can be one of the lucky women who last beyond the 3 – 5 year life expectancy. But then I get knocked back to reality with something like this post, coupled with renewed and persistent pain. I’ll be lucky to make it to 5 years given how quickly I’m flying through treatments. That is my reality.

no bueno

Panic attacks at 5 am. Ugh.

Yesterday, I read a post in my support group from a 40-yo mom with three young kids who will be dying from MBC in the next few months. She’s riddled with cancer from head to toe and is out of treatment options. To say it was triggering would be an understatement.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard.

In re: today’s medical appt

My psych told me that my job is to relax and take care of myself. She said she knows it’s difficult for an over achiever like me to allow themself to do so without a lot of guilt, but that she wants me to work on it. So I’m currently lying down and resting for a few hours before I head out to run some errands. Like she said: I didn’t choose this life, but I choose to make the best of it.

Also – I keep reminding myself that this is technically my retirement. I should do things that make me happy. What’s the point of feeling guilty about it? It is what it is.