I woke up last night around 2:30 am in full-on anxiety mode. I went down this rabbit hole of reasons I suck at life, and it just went from there. I think I finally fell asleep again a little after 4 am. I was already exhausted from a bad night of sleep the night before, so I’m really dragging today.

At one point, in the middle of the anxiety attack, I went into the bathroom and just stared at myself in the mirror for a while. It was surprisingly helpful. I guess I needed to see for myself that I was okay. That everything is fine.

My husband is worried about me. He’s so loving and supportive. Always complimenting me, encouraging me, and bascially just loving me through my life. I’m lucky to have him. I feel bad that I make him sad by being this way. Hopefully the bad feelings will pass soon – I need a break from the every day grind (which I’ll get this weekend) and some sun certainly wouldn’t hurt.

In addition to anxiety, I woke up with a swollen knee. I’m hopeful the new meds will be delivered today, and that they will actually help me, though that’s likely to be a bit of a slow burn. These meds don’t fix things overnight.

In other news – just four hours before I’m on vacation. I’ll be out until Tuesday morning. I’m hoping this little break will reset my patience, because the struggle is fucking real right now.

I am leaving a bit earlier than usual today, because I have Jackson’s parent/teacher conference.

I have a bunch of shopping related errands that need to happen before we leave town. Also laundry. And tidying up. And packing. I guess I’m going to be busy tonight. We’re leaving later in the day tomorrow, so I’ll have all day to pack too. I’m a terrible packer. I want to bring all the things.

I took a bunch of pics last night that I had planned to blog – a little date night post – but I think I’ll just keep them for me. I’ll be doing plenty of photo blogging over the weekend, I’m sure.



I’ve woken up every night this last week freaking out, because I don’t know where I am, and I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s horrible.

desperately seeking something

The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.

It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.

I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.

I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.


I’ve come out to my husband already, and so I’m just going to say it here:

I’m depressed; like in a dark place and should probably take meds depressed.

I have no motivation. I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. My anxiety is raging. I can’t sleep. I cry for no reason. I’m wanting to isolate myself (even more than usual). I’m angry. It’s not good.

It’s not really surprising considering my history with depression combined with the massive changes in my body over the last couple of months. The complete loss of estrogen is a huge fucking deal.

I tried Effexor, but that just made things worse. I got suicidal. I don’t particularly want to take meds, but I know I should at least consider it. I need to get a new primary care doc like asap.

My current plan is to increase my exercise. I do usually feel a lot better mentally when I’m exercising regularly. And hopefully find a way to get more restful sleep. I’ve been taking Benadryl at bedtime for allergies and it has helped a bit with my insomnia. Also, D has kicked the cat out of the bedroom because she kept waking us (mostly me) up. That has helped a lot too.

It feels good to just say it, actually. Like a bit of the burden has been lifted. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m okay when I’m really not. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fun or good moments/days.  Just overall…I’m feeling down and I need love and understanding to help me through it.




just one step at a time

I’ve been up since about 4:30 am worrying about various things. Around 5:30 am, I decided it was stupid to lie around worrying about stuff, when I could just get up and do some of the stuff. So I did. I got to the office super early. I cleared a bunch of stuff off my desk. Also, I am now >this< close to being done with these fucking responses that are due on Friday. I think maybe they’re sort of good. I feel like they are persuasive, and that’s what really matters. I don’t actually have to do the oral arguments until July 20, but I’m sort of locked into whatever I write in these written responses, so…stress.

Of course, I also awoke to various emails, court filings, and emergencies, so the stress just keeps on keeping on. But at least I’m making some sort of progress. Sometimes that’s all you can hope for. I get a strange satisfaction from literally marking something off my to-do list.

I typically work from home on Mondays, so I’m going to pack up in a bit and head back to the homestead. I will then finish my writing for the day, and maybe even find time for a run before the bestie comes over tonight to hang out.