I took a good look around this morning and realized I’ve been being way too hard on myself. I’ve gotta chill.

Jacki’s savasana was so relaxing. She even passed out warm, lavender scented face towels. It was delightful.

Oh and I was able to do lotus, and my bird of paradise is showing improvement.

I’m glad I went.

things

I woke up last night around 2:30 am in full-on anxiety mode. I went down this rabbit hole of reasons I suck at life, and it just went from there. I think I finally fell asleep again a little after 4 am. I was already exhausted from a bad night of sleep the night before, so I’m really dragging today.

At one point, in the middle of the anxiety attack, I went into the bathroom and just stared at myself in the mirror for a while. It was surprisingly helpful. I guess I needed to see for myself that I was okay. That everything is fine.

My husband is worried about me. He’s so loving and supportive. Always complimenting me, encouraging me, and bascially just loving me through my life. I’m lucky to have him. I feel bad that I make him sad by being this way. Hopefully the bad feelings will pass soon – I need a break from the every day grind (which I’ll get this weekend) and some sun certainly wouldn’t hurt.

In addition to anxiety, I woke up with a swollen knee. I’m hopeful the new meds will be delivered today, and that they will actually help me, though that’s likely to be a bit of a slow burn. These meds don’t fix things overnight.

In other news – just four hours before I’m on vacation. I’ll be out until Tuesday morning. I’m hoping this little break will reset my patience, because the struggle is fucking real right now.

I am leaving a bit earlier than usual today, because I have Jackson’s parent/teacher conference.

I have a bunch of shopping related errands that need to happen before we leave town. Also laundry. And tidying up. And packing. I guess I’m going to be busy tonight. We’re leaving later in the day tomorrow, so I’ll have all day to pack too. I’m a terrible packer. I want to bring all the things.

I took a bunch of pics last night that I had planned to blog – a little date night post – but I think I’ll just keep them for me. I’ll be doing plenty of photo blogging over the weekend, I’m sure.

 

desperately seeking something

The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.

It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.

I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.

I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.