at this moment

In like 1986, when I was seven years old, I heard the following song on Family Ties and it struck me as the most beautiful and romantic song ever. My thoughts on that particular subject have changed over the years, but this song still holds a special place in my heart, and I get all teary eyed whenever I hear it, which admittedly isn’t often. For some reason, I’ve had it in my head the last couple of days and have been singing it to myself.

At This Moment:

What did you think I would do at this moment
When you’re standing before me
With tears in your eyes
Trying to tell me that you have found you another
And you just don’t love me no more

What did you think I would say at this moment
When I’m faced with the knowledge
That you just don’t love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
’cause you just don’t love me no more

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you when darling I love you
And you know I’d never hurt you

What do you think I would give at this moment
If you’d stay I’d subtract twenty years from my life
I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you…
If I, could just hold you…

If I…
If I could just hold you

A random act of kindness (day 20)

Back in 2013 during the middle of chemo, D and I went to see The Joy Formidable in concert and I got really sick. The venue had limited seating, so we were stuck standing, and I was so dizzy that I thought I was going to pass out. In fact, at one point I did faint in a bathroom stall. I was desperately trying to hold it together in order to not ruin the evening, as D was so excited to  finally be seeing one of his fave bands. Right when I was about to cave and bail, a guy offered me his seat. I started feeling much better once I was able to sit and we were able to make it through the show. That guy saved our night, and I’ll always remember how kind he was. ❤️

my top ten albums of the 90s

I just adore lists like this. D and I were having a conversation regarding this topic sometime in the last couple of weeks (fuck my memory blows nowadays! did you know they say chemo brain can last up to five fucking years?! wtf.) so I decided to go ahead and list it out for future reference:

These are in no particular order btw.

  1. Ten (Pearl Jam)
  2. Core (STP)
  3. Under The Table and Dreaming (DMB)
  4. Tragic Kingdom (No Doubt)
  5. Sublime (Sublime)
  6. OK Computer (Radiohead)
  7. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette)
  8. Pieces of Me (Jewel)
  9. Friction, Baby (Better Than Ezra)
  10. Live Though This (Hole)

I still listen to all of these, from beginning to end, quite often.


literally stabby

I was thinking about all kinds of random ass shit on the way to the office today (it’s a 45 minute drive from home) and I remembered this incident from when I was in the 6th grade. So there was this major douche named Larry (or some such shit) who sat behind me in my language arts class (why didn’t they just call it English tho?). Larry was a right prick who was always fucking with me. He would throw shit at the back of my head, pull my hair, kick me, spit on me, etc. Once he even put gum in my hair, which required cutting out a giant chunk. I tried ignoring it. I tried telling the teacher. I tried telling him to fuck off. Nothing worked.

One morning after a particularly rough evening at home where my dad terrorized us all night, I rolled into class and sat down. I was not in the fucking mood. Eventually Larry wandered in and said something snide to me.  I ignored him. Then I felt him grab my hair. I quickly turned around, stabbed my pencil into his hand and said very calmly: Don’t touch me ever again. I had to deal with a real bully at home. I wasn’t about to deal with punk ass Larry at school. Fuck that noise.

His hand bled. I got sent to see the principal. I ended up getting weekly sessions with the school counselor and being enrolled in some program called RAPP which stood for Resolve All Problems Peacefully.

But you know what? Larry never fucked with me again. Worth it.