Freya leaves for a school trip tomorrow afternoon, and will be gone until next Tuesday. We’re all concerned I’m going to die before she gets back. She came down to my bedroom and I held her while we talked, cried, and discussed our feelings. I’m going to keep our words private, but the unconditional love between us is so pure and beautiful. It takes my breath away. There’s more I want to say, but I’m too overwhelmed right now.
I didn’t use the “step mom” tag on this post because it’s not able to convey the depths of my love and devotion for her. She’s always felt like my own, and I’m thankful that her mother has always been willing to accept, and even nurture, our relationship. I know that’s not easy
We watched Bad Moms, which was a hit, and then started Bridesmaids, but she fell asleep before things could really get funny (the epic diarrhea scene). We have plans to watch more on Sunday and Monday. Monday is our day together, and she wants me to show her Beaches and Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I saw Dr. B today, and we finally had “the talk.” She says there are no good treatments left for me, and that the awful side effects will outweigh any survival benefit. She knows how important it is to me to not spend my remaining days seriously ill and/or in the hospital, so I trust her. She said I can try xeloda again, but that drug was horrible for me, which is why I quit to begin with, and she said she doubts it would extend my life by more than maybe a couple of months. So the current plan is to get the stent surgery on Thursday, and then meet up with her the Thursday after to tell her how I wish to proceed. I already know I’m going to stop treatment and transfer to hospice care.
Telling the kids was just fucking awful, and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Absolutely shattered. I held them while they sobbed, because there’s nothing else I can do, and I hate it. I hate that they are heartbroken.
The pain tonight is terrible, and I’m scared. I need to make some calls tomorrow and get some shit figured out. I’m trying not to have a panic attack.
Despite everything, I’m more at peace with this decision that it might seem from what I’ve just written. I knew this was coming. I woke up today knowing it was judgment day. I just can’t believe we got here so quickly.
I’ve told a few people personally, but I’m too tired to stay on top of the texts, so my next step is posting here and eventually to social media.
My family tonight (after pizza, cake, and TV):
I love them so incredibly much and I’m going to say it over and over until my literal dying breath.
I told Jackson to plan a Sunday Funday for us. We ended up lunching at Panda Express, and then spent two hours bowling at Bowlero, which is a fairly posh bowling alley near home. It’s def the only bowling alley I’m interested in. Lol. He won every single game!
We had a really good time together, but it really took every ounce of my strength. I am so worn out. It’s a stark reminder of how weak I am. Very disconcerting. I’m glad I was able to rally and spend this time with him though, because the truth is that I can feel how close to the end I am.
We stopped at Nick and Nancy’s on the way home and their dogs absolutely adored Jackson.
The CT didn’t show anything new. The takeaway is essentially that cancer hurts, and it’s everywhere. So we need to tweak my pain meds. I’m not entirely convinced it’s not worse/that something isn’t lurking microscopically, but I also don’t know that it really matters at this point.
I had a really good conversation with Jackson tonight about the reality of our current situation. And we talked about stuff that he still wants to do with me, and stuff he wants to know. I think we both feel better now. Oh and now I have a little mother-son date to plan. ♥️
I put on a bit of a front when the kids are home, so I needed to make sure he really understands just how sick I am. I now know that he does/that he has known. I don’t want to spend the rest of our time together obsessing over it, but I do think we need to talk about it more than we do.
I continue to be in quite a bit of (sometimes agonizing) pain. So that’s all for now.
Yesterday was a good day. I felt pretty good, and I was able to participate in life fully and normally. I want more days like that.
Jackson’s choir concert was short and sweet. They did a good job. The song selection was extremely odd, but we all loved Thunder Lizard. Lol. You had to be there. But there were inflatable dinosaur costumes so…
And my ex and his gf sat with us! I kinda forced the issue, but still…progress. And we all walked out together too. It was good. I feel hopeful.
I really like his gf. She’s seems sweet, and she’s good to Jackson. I’m glad they both have her to lean on. G has told me recently about how he’s struggling with my prognosis, which totally makes sense. I’m glad he doesn’t have to do it alone. Especially the after part.
Today is Wednesday. I’m hoping to do a Weed Wednesday on Facebook later. It’s been a while. I’m supposed to have dinner with MVS tonight, and I really hope my body cooperates so we don’t have to reschedule yet again. I’m having some GI issues today that I’m trying to resolve.
Freya is sick…again. Another cold. I really hope I manage to avoid catching it. I have like no immune system right now because of chemo. I do not want to be sick over Christmas.
Oh Christmas…it’s sneaking up on me. I’ve been placing online orders like crazy. D is done. I think Jackson is done. I still need more stuff for Freya, but that requires a trip to some specialty shops. I need to get that done asap, but I have like no time until Monday, but then I have chemo on Monday. Gah!!
I still haven’t tackled the sentimental gifts. I’m trying not to stress. I can always give them after Christmas. It’s not that big of a deal.
I have a burrito on the way. I’ve been reading Bone White by Ronald Malfi, and it’s so good. Gonna go dig into that some more.
Our entire family is struggling right now. We have the cancer thing in common, but then each have our own things that contribute to our own anxiety and depression. I think we will all benefit from some time off from the real world. I’m looking forward to being able to spend one-on-one time with each of them. Holiday break can’t come soon enough.