So grown up!

This is Jackson’s spring school photo.

I asked him why he didn’t smile like he normally does, and he said he’s embarrassed about his teeth. Poor boy!! He has a spacer currently, and will be getting braces in a month. I told him his smile is beautiful regardless, but that his teeth will be in much better shape next time. But…look at how big he’s gotten!! ❤️😍❤️

I don’t have Freya’s spring pics back yet, but look at this pic her mom took on Tuesday night.

I can’t believe how grown up she looks. ❤️❤️

It’s goes by so fast.

Like…wow

So I found out tonight that Frey and her friends Googled me and found out I’m “internet famous” for my breast cancer awareness post. Apparently, they’ve Googled all of their parents, and I’ve had the most exciting results. Oh lord! Thank goodness I deleted that particular blog!! This blog is not linked to any of my public pages/social media, so it should be safe.

In related news, we had (no joke) a three hour conversation with Freya tonight. We talked about all the things, from the very serious to the silly. Shit got real! I told her about my anxiety, depression, my suicide attempt, and all of my various issues. I think it went extremely well. I honestly think all three of us feel closer and also just generally better about life as a result.

❤️💜💚💛💙

Jumptastic

Jackson had a lot of fun at Flying Spider. He’s a genuinely happy kid, and I hope it stays that way.

Freya refused to allow herself to have fun and spent most of the time sulking. This moody teen shit is already getting on my nerves. We had a talk about it, and she apologized, but I can tell shit is about to get real.

I am walking this fine line with her: how much slack do I give her, knowing she’s going through a lot of shit, versus not allowing her to take advantage and act shitty to us.

I miss the simpler times. Sigh.

This article was in my news feed this morning.

https://apple.news/AKrBYWfoCQ2SSrTv2cX7VUQ

It’s eerily similar – the high functioning, seemingly happy girl who is secretly carrying around all this emotional pain and anxiety. I mean…we’re in a better position now, because we know, and we have a plan, but…fuck.

How do we fix this? Our society is so unforgiving. How do we fix that?

I feel very much on edge. I can’t properly relax. I feel like the rug will be pulled out from under us at any second.

And she definitely doesn’t understand the significance of what has happened. She expressed surprise when we told her we wouldn’t be leaving her and Jackson home alone this week (during spring break) while we go to work, which we would normally do. She hasn’t yet realized that I’ve hidden all the scissors in my bedroom and all the meds as well.

That’s not enough though, not if she really wants to hurt herself. She’s her own person, and we can’t really control her anymore. That’s a mind fuck all its own: that she’s not a little kid anymore.

The doctors don’t seem to think she’s actually suicidal, but that can change. I’m worried things are going to get bad once she goes back to school.

I don’t trust anything right now.