Listen

I wish my ex-husband would actually hear me when we talk about why we split up.

He blames the entire thing on D, and so he despises him, like can’t even look at him. Last night, at Jackson’s event, G was there with his gf and mom, and once again requested that D, F, and I sit as far away as possible and not approach him. Jackson had to visit us first and only then go over to his dad who waiting as far away as he could get. I always get a call from G before any event asking if D will be there. This has been going on for seven years now.

I know he has the right to feel however he feels. But it’s obvious to me that he blames D because otherwise he’d have to be mad at me. He says that D manipulated me and took advantage of me when I was vulnerable, and that’s why all this happened.

I want to be clear about something: that is 100% not the case. I played an active roll in this betrayal. I wanted it. D wanted to tell them we had fallen in love and try to figure it out. I’m the one who wanted to keep it a secret. I’m the one who broke my marriage vows to G. I’m the one who was unhappy and had been looking for an out. I’m the one he should really be mad at, and until he works through that shit, we can never really make progress.

Does it really matter if he can’t ever get it together to be cordial with D? I think it matters to Jackson. I think we should all try to get along for his sake. I think it’s going to matter more and more as the years go on.

I’ve had this conversation with him several times over the years, but he just won’t listen. He doesn’t want to hear it. I can live with it, and so can D – we knew there would be consequences. I just wish G would allow himself to let go of that hatred so that he could truly heal.

D’s ex said something recently that stuck with me. She said, “It’s never been about you, it’s him,” meaning he’s the one she’s angry with. She certainly has every right to be angry with me too, and I’m sure she is on some level, and definitely was back in the day I know, but she should be mostly mad at him; just like G should be mostly mad at me.

Just be mad at me. It’s okay. I can take it.

Fool

Me. I’m a fool for thinking I was actually going to get any real work done today. I spent most of my day in court, playing the hurry up and wait game. What a fucking waste. I really hope tomorrow is more productive for me. Unfortunately, the morning will be spent at…you guessed it: motherfucking court. 😂

The 5 love languages

I decided to join in on this particular Tumblr blog-a-day prompt.

I was not surprised by my results. The early part of my relationship with D taught me a lot about how I love and how I want to be loved in return. I am very much a verbal person. Of course I want you to show me, both physically and through actions, but you have to tell me too. That’s non-negotiable. I need to hear it.

If you want to take the test, you can find it here. I had D take it too.

TL;DR: touch me and tell me I’m pretty.

FBAD 2/8 BLOG PROMPT

What’s the most significant thing you walked away from? And do you regret it?

My first marriage.

Not even a little bit, like seriously not even once. I feel kind of bad admitting that, but it’s the truth. However, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel sad about it. I felt awful about it. But regret? Never.

A project you’ve been putting off

I mean…where do I even start? Lol.

I guess I’ll go with the clothing purge. Not just my clothes, but the kids’ clothes too. Sometimes Jackson comes home from his dad’s house wearing clothes that are much too small or otherwise ill fitting. I need to go through everything in our closets, as well as down in the basement, and donate all of it. Even the stuff I love and hate to part with: if you haven’t worn it in over a year then how much can you really love it? Right? Right.