A little awareness

The 5-year survival rate tells you what percent of people live at least 5 years after the cancer is found. Percent means how many out of 100. The 5-year survival rate for women with metastatic breast cancer is 29%. The 5-year survival rate for men with metastatic breast cancer is 22%.

February will be three years for me.

H•E•L•L•O

Not pictured: my cute af new boots I bought in Florida.

I went out last night. It was a good time, but I didn’t last long. Night started at 6 and I was home by 10. This body can’t party anymore.

My abdomen is still really sore from the paracentesis, and I’m wondering how normal that is. I hope nothing is fucked up. I really do not need anymore problems.

I read this yesterday and it was fucking fantastic:

I restocked on vapes and edibles last night. In two weeks, my friend will harvest his latest flower strain and I’ll get some of that too. I’m going to be high most of the time. It helps. Reality is harsh.

Jackson checked in about my scan last night, and it made me smile to know he was thinking of me, but also sad that life is the way it is for us. I’m running out of time with him. With everyone.

Sometimes when I see people, I wonder if it will be the last time. I’m going to see someone on Monday, and I bet it will be the last time I ever see her. It’s a weird feeling.

It’s Sunday. I’m hoping to read another book today. I’ll probably do some laundry. We need to go to Costco. We’re going to make chili for dinner and I’m looking forward to that. I’ll probably bake some corn bread and maybe some muffins. Cooking sounds fun.

a card a day

Today’s pull:

I’ve been pulling a card a day from my new tarot deck. I use the card’s themes to think about desires, issues, choices, conflicts (etc) in my life. It has been helpful to focus on a theme a day. My head space is quite messy lately. I’m trying to figure out what is most important to me right now – in terms of what to do (or not to do) with the time I have left.

It’s October!!

My favorite month. I truly worry it will be my last October, so I want to enjoy it as much as possible.

I have things to say, but can’t say them here yet. Soon.

It’s Saturday, which is nice. It’s nice to wake up and have D still asleep beside me. We have a dinner party tonight, but otherwise will have a nice lazy day. I’m going to pick a new book to start reading. It’s the first day of the new month of Reading Rivalry. I still haven’t been on a winning team. Grr.

I’m trying to decide if I want to go all out with hair (wig obvi) and makeup tonight or if I want to keep it real. I’m so over wigs. I kinda just want to go as is and be done with it. I’m tired of hiding the reality of my situation. I feel like it’s better for everyone to know.

Ugh I’m so over everything cancer, which is bad timing because this is the first day of breast cancer awareness month. Let the pinkwashing begin.

Tonight is Freya’s homecoming, and I’m super excited to see all the pics. I hope she has a fabulous night.

That’s all for now. ♥️

the end of september

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I’m still experiencing quite a bit of pain at the incision site for the paracentesis. It’s just sore all the way down into the peritoneum where the needle went in, which makes sense, I suppose. I don’t remember having as much pain with the thoracentesis (lung draining).

I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday afternoon to go over the scan results. I’m not looking forward to it. For reasons.

No kids this weekend. And D went into the office today. It’s quiet here. D and I are going to cook tonight, and tomorrow night we’re going out for a friend’s birthday. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone. It’s been a while.

I do wonder how my friends feel about me now that I’m so obviously sick. I feel like they treat me differently. I hate it, even though I know it’s normal, and sometimes even necessary. I wonder how much they’ll actually miss me when I’m gone. I guess I’ll never know.

Drained

I’m in bed recovering from the paracentesis. They drained a liter and a half of fluid. It was crazy watching the bag full up. I’m confident I’ll be much more comfortable once I heal. Right now everything is sore and crampy.

Tomorrow is scan day, and that’s all I can think about. I’m trying to lose myself in a book, but I’m def distracted.