I’m having a hard time with the blog right now. I don’t know what to post here anymore. I write freely but end up saving it to drafts. I’m feeling this weird need to censor myself, and if I have to censor myself, then why bother? It’s all self-imposed, of course. I go down the “who may be reading this blog” rabbit hole, and if I stay there too long then I don’t want to post about anything real here. Ever. This is where we are now. I’m not sure what to do about it.
I do know one thing for sure: I will not start over somewhere else. Over the last six years, I have started several different blogs attempting to stay somewhat anonymous, and by that I mean trying to keep exes and various family members from following along. Why do I even care? I’m not sure. On the one hand, I guess it’s because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and/or make a bad situation worse. On the other hand, I want to say what I want to say, and if you read it knowing it may suck for you then that is on you and not me. All I know is that starting over never works. I always let my guard down and then one of them finds me. And this cycle starts all over again.
Well enough is enough. So I will continue to consider what to do with this blog moving forward. I still find joy from the act of blogging itself. I enjoy having this digital scrapbook of my life. I enjoy sharing and interacting with the few devoted readers who have been following me for years. I could go back to paper journaling obviously, but given the state of my arthritis recently, I don’t think that is a great plan. Handwriting is hard for me nowadays.
I’m hoping I’ll find my zero fucks attitude down here somewhere. It’s buried beneath my adult voice. Maybe I’ll start by posting some of those drafts…
But maybe not.