How is it July already??

The year is flying by, and it scares me.

A lot of things scare me nowadays.

Jackson’s favorite YouTuber died from stage 4 cancer, and he’s pretty down about it. I held him this morning while he cried, and he told me it brings up a lot of feelings about my situation, which of course it does. I hate seeing him in pain, but I also know this isn’t something I can fix for him. He has to feel the feelings and work through them. I just hate knowing I can’t fix this for him. I feel…ugh it’s so much. I feel SO MUCH.

It’s Cycle 2, Day 2, and I’m fatigued and slightly nauseated. It’s manageable, and I hope it doesn’t get any worse. I can work with this.

Tomorrow is head shaving day, and I haven’t let myself think about it too much. It’s just something that has to happen. And I know, from experience, that it’s better to do it before the hair actually starts to come out. There will be less pain and less mess this way. Plus, the fam will be with me, in a situation that I control.

A cancer friend of mine is currently in the hospital with pneumonia and the flu. Sues getting her lungs drained today. She’s on an experimental chemo right now, and I’m worried. Her health has declined quite rapidly. I know what this means. She has two young kids. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

I can’t do this anymore. Not right now.

So I’ll leave you with this question: why is McDonald’s Diet Coke the best Diet Coke?? What do they put in this?

No Escape

I’m running from my feelings, and it always feels as though I’m right about to stumble. It’s exhausting.

I’m exhausted!

But I can’t let myself go down the feelings wormhole. No, ma’am. I will drown in it.

Wednesday?

I cancelled my big birthday bash. Facebook makes it impossible to edit events on the app, so I had to wait until I was on my laptop. I’ll plan a few smaller celebrations instead, depending upon how I’m feeling.

Yesterday was a good day. I was feeling fairly well. We were able to get out up spend the afternoon playing games at D&B. It wasn’t as good as Six Flags, but it was something fun that I could handle. I’m grateful for the day and for the memory.

I’m feeling okay today. Fatigued. A bit upset in the GI tract. Chemo tomorrow afternoon. It will be interesting to see how much of his I’ve felt this past week is related to chemo, and how much from the cancer itself. Hopefully, symptoms will lessen as the treatment has a chance to work.

Please, please work. Please.

I haven’t been sleeping well recently. I wake up around four or five and then again around 8:30. Then I’m awake for the day, even though I’m exhausted. Not quite sure what to do with myself. Resting is so boring. I try to do little projects here and there, but they get exhausting quickly.

It’s hard to get excited about anything right now. I’m depressed, about personal shit, and the state of the world.

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I don’t think I’m a good source for early stage breast cancer patients anymore. I just can’t get past the whole “I did everything right and none of that mattered” mindset. Here I sit now with Stage 4 cancer. I’m not saying the treatments didn’t help. It kept me stay in remission for almost 8 years. But still – it lies in wait and gets you when you least expect it. I feel bitter. I feel ripped off.