well said!!

A friend posted this quote on his blog, and I absolutely love it. This is something I sometimes struggle with – so the reminder is good.

There’s this unrealistic expectation that everything we put out into the world is supposed to be profound, but this is my space to be whatever I want to be in that moment, and that’s a lovely thing.

blogger problems

I’m having a hard time with the blog right now. I don’t know what to post here anymore. I write freely but end up saving it to drafts. I’m feeling this weird need to censor myself, and if I have to censor myself, then why bother? It’s all self-imposed, of course. I go down the “who may be reading this blog” rabbit hole, and if I stay there too long then I don’t want to post about anything real here. Ever. This is where we are now. I’m not sure what to do about it.

I do know one thing for sure: I will not start over somewhere else. Over the last six years, I have started several different blogs attempting to stay somewhat anonymous, and by that I mean trying to keep exes and various family members from following along. Why do I even care? I’m not sure. On the one hand, I guess it’s because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and/or make a bad situation worse. On the other hand, I want to say what I want to say, and if you read it knowing it may suck for you then that is on you and not me. All I know is that starting over never works. I always let my guard down and then one of them finds me. And this cycle starts all over again.

Well enough is enough. So I will continue to consider what to do with this blog moving forward. I still find joy from the act of blogging itself. I enjoy having this digital scrapbook of my life. I enjoy sharing and interacting with the few devoted readers who have been following me for years. I could go back to paper journaling obviously, but given the state of my arthritis recently, I don’t think that is a great plan. Handwriting is hard for me nowadays.

I’m hoping I’ll find my zero fucks attitude down here somewhere. It’s buried beneath my adult voice. Maybe I’ll start by posting some of those drafts…

But maybe not.

 

It’s awesome, but also weird, when people tell me they love my blog. It’s like hearing someone say, “I love reading your diary.”

This isn’t meant as a complaint, because obviously I’ve chosen to put all this personal info out into the world. It’s just an observation.

I enjoy interacting with readers. It’s awesome to know you’re out there; hopefully cheering me on. There are always haters, of course, but mostly blogging has been a positive experience.

blog stuff

I’m so all over the place on how I want to use my blogs. 

I have 4. 

itsonlymakebelieve.com, which is sometimes shared to lawgirljenn.tumblr.com, which also has original content of its own.

Sharing is back on for now. I want the WP app to allow me to change sharing options on a post by post basis the way the desktop version does. First world problems, I know. 

I have a nsfw/porn blog where I sometimes post my own pics. Not linking to that one 🤣

I’ve got one blog that only i know about. I rarely post there but when I do it’s always something not fit for public consumption. A girl needs a bit of privacy sometimes.  Even this girl. 

on blogging

I think of a lot of interesting things to blog about at the most inopportune times, like when I’m driving or running or trying to fall asleep. Then by the time I can write it down…it’s gone. 

Blogging is a lot easier for me than journaling nowadays, because of my arthritis. Handwriting is painful for me. I remember when I was in law school and we’d have (almost) exclusively essay exams; one exam at the end of the semester which covered everything and counted as your entire grade in the course. Sometimes I’d end up filling two blue books with my writings. My hands would hurt for days afterward. 

I know some people think I share too much of myself and my life here. A lot of people don’t feel comfortable sharing in such a public forum.  I have heard and read these critiques of my blog, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel the same sometimes. I think occasionally about going back to Livejournal, where I’d have more control over my followers. Even easier would be to make this a private blog. All I’d have to do is change my privacy settings. But then I remind myself of the following: 

About five years ago, this woman I know from Livejournal asked me if I’d ever be embarrassed if my child found my blog and read it. The answer then was the same as it would be now: no. What do I have to be ashamed of? I’m a human being who is flawed, who makes mistakes, who lives, loves with all her heart, and is just trying to be true to who she is. This is me. For better or worse. I won’t apologize for who I am. In fact, if I die young, I hope someone will direct Jackson to this blog once he’s old enough to appreciate it. What a gift that would be! My father died when I was too young to remember him, and oh how I wish I had a blog or journal of his; a glimpse inside his head.

I read an essay recently about social media, the point of which boils down to the following: not every follower or “friend” you make online is a supporter. A lot are secret haters that want to see you fail and love to watch you suffer. I’ve encountered a few of those in my time blogging, and I know I’ve had several readers since my divorce who are here only to have something to gossip about. While I don’t particularly relish the thought that my life is some sort of seedy entertainment for certain people, I’m certainly not going to stop doing my thing because of it. I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m totally good with that. 

I’m an introverted person with an extroverted blog persona. I’ve always been better at expressing myself via the written word. Writing allows me an escape; the ability to release stress and anxiety. It allows me to share my thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I record silly things, funny things, sad things,  sexy things…basically whatever strikes my fancy. Then I review my archives and think to myself: Oh yes, I remember that. And regardless of whether it’s a good, bad, or seemingly insignificant memory, I’m always happy that I recorded it. I’m grateful to have a digital scrapbook of my life dating back to 2003.

So that’s why I blog. Not that anyone asked. This stream of consciousness has been brought to you by insomnia.

where i am right now with this blog

I wrote this long post just catching up on random topics and I deleted it because meh.

I feel like maybe I needed this more when I felt like my life was lacking something. I don’t feel that way anymore. My life feels very full, and I just want to savor those moments; keep them to myself.

I’m sure I’ll snap out of it at some point. Maybe even later today. Haha. I’m nothing if not fickle as fuck.

new month, new challenge

Hello, September!

I’ve decided to do another blogging challenge. I found one that will work with a bit of tweaking.

DAY ONE: Your Goal(s) for the Month of September

  1. Unpacking, unpacking, and more unpacking. So. Many. Boxes.
  2. Exercise more. At least 3 x per week cardio plus personal training x 1.
  3. Drink more water. Drink less booze.
  4. Read more. TBR list: The Handmaid’s Tale (book club pick), The Woman In Cabin 10, and at least two others.
  5. Get back into the habit of my daily journaling (personal).
  6. Try at least one new recipe.
  7. More self-care.
  8. Continue to purge items I no longer use/need. Practice minimalism.