I’m ready to talk about it

I have a lump in my cancer boob.

My doc was like: well it could be a cyst or a tumor. We’ve gotta cut it out regardless.

So that’s happening at some point soon. I have to talk to my plastic surgeon next week.

We discussed my exchange surgery that is scheduled for September. He said we have to wait and see where we are at that point. I think I’ve decided to just cancel it. I am pretty sure I only have two to three years left, and I don’t want to waste any of my time recovering from unnecessary surgery. D and I are happy with the current tits. I won’t be alive long enough for these recalled ones to kill me – so why bother?

My tumor markers are way up. He told me today that this result would be the determining factor in whether I continue this treatment. Those results come in last, so I didn’t get them until several hours after the appointment. I emailed him and just said, “Where do we go from here?” I imagine I’ll be getting a phone call on Monday.

It’s weird – I’m not that upset. I’ve accepted it. My fate is to die from breast cancer. I’m mostly worried about my husband. He’s a heartbroken mess.

I’m not completely satisfied with the care I’m receiving. I’m going to make some calls on Monday. I want a second opinion. I know this will kill me, but I want as much time as I can get. My oncologist is a nice guy, but today was kind of a hot mess. I worry he has too many patients to really treat me properly.

I’m a bougie bitch – I can afford better care than this. I’m thankful for that; believe me.

I’m going to cash out my 401k. We’ve (D and I) debated this a lot, and he’s been telling me to wait, but tonight, in tears, he said: I think you should go ahead and cash it out.

I want to finish the basement. And take the kids to Hawaii. And buy whatever random shit that makes me happy.

I’m starting to think about what to do with the firm. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet, but if I can’t find a treatment that keeps me stable by the end of the year, I’m going to give up my practice.

And that’s where we are.

It’s…hard. Really, really hard.

Thank you for reading.

Even if I don’t know you, I love you for caring.


oncology update (1 month into treatment for mets)

Saw the oncologist today, got my final loading dose of Faslodex, and did more bloodwork. So much bloodwork. haha

My blood counts are low, which was expected, but not so low that I can’t continue with the Ibrance. I needed a white blood count of at least 1000, and mine is at 2400. I expect it will go down a bit further the more cycles I do, but so far so good.

After today’s injections, I’m now finished with the biweekly loading doses of Faslodex, and can now start going in once per month. Woot! Getting stabbed in both ass cheeks every two weeks is no bueno.

Two more months until we scan again and see how the cancer is responding. He did say that we only do bone scans every six months though, because the most important thing is to see what’s happening in the brain, lungs, and liver. Hopefully they stay clean. Scanxiety every three months is my new reality. Sigh.

I start round two of Ibrance tomorrow night. The schedule is 3 weeks on and 1 week off. That gives the white blood cells a chance to recover.

Oh and I need to find a dentist to see me, so I can start the Zometa (bone strengthener). You have to get cleared by a dentist first, because Zometa can cause holes to form in your jaw if you have dental problems. It’s going to be hard to get this done with every place closed due to Covid.

My ass is sore. lol.

what’s going on…

  • We’re fucking killing it at the law firm. I love tax refund season. I got to pay myself today – and it was more than it has been in a while. It won’t last, but I’ll enjoy it while it does.
  • Speaking of the law firm, I am trying to decide what the next steps are. I cannot keep going on in this fashion. It’s too much for one person. I have to de-stress my life. It’s just such a big decision, and there are so many factors to consider, and in the face of so much uncertainty. UGH. I’m stressed out just thinking about it. Moving on…
  • I’ve also been killing it with the working out. It helps that my husband is riding my ass. We’ve been alternating working out at home and going to the gym. I upgraded my membership on Sunday – so now I have access to the different classes, the studios, the women’s only fitness area, and the hydromassage. I’m actually kind of excited about it. We are going back tomorrow night.
  • Tonight one of my bestie’s came over (Annie), and she joined me and the kiddos for dinner. D was out with a friend. We had a good time. I think she just really needed to see me and hug me.
  • A week from tomorrow, I’ll be going out with both of my besties at the same time, and I am so pumped. I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner. I’m thinking we’re going to end up at Sephora and/or Ulta. haha.
  • Tonight at dinner, the kids asked a bunch of questions about my diagnosis/prognosis. They are trying to wrap their heads around it. It was all very chill – nobody was upset or anything. I think it helps to talk about it. We have to normalize things – this is our new way of life.
  • I feel like I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I am fine – almost normal even. Other times, I fall into a deep pit of despair, and I feel like I’m drowning in it. Those times are, luckily, not as frequent as you might think.
  • D posted a link to Facebook today to try to inform our friends/family about life with metastatic breast cancer, which I really appreciated, because it is a lot different from even my original breast cancer diagnosis. There is no cure. There are a lot of misconceptions. You can read that article here if you are interested.
  • Every ache and pain in my body screams cancer to me now, and ugh what a way to live.
  • I have a big hearing tomorrow morning and I am kind of dreading it/kind of looking forward to it. It’s my sweet little old dude’s Chapter 7 liquidation case. He has a big house filled with antiques and collectibles that will be sold by the Trustee, but I’m worried he’s going to be a hot mess giving his testimony, because he is quite old and tends to ramble quite a bit. I’m going to have to keep him from going off the rails, and I’m just kind of nervous about it.
  • I’m trying to stay busy. It hasn’t been too difficult. I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now.
  • That’s all for now. xoxo

Mind fuckery

We told the kids. They’re upset, obviously, but it went better than we expected. I think it helped that it wasn’t a total shock. We pretty quickly changed the subject to include discussing upcoming vacations, which got them very excited.

We aren’t discussing timelines. We’re just living.

It’s weird living in the face of other people’s grief over you. I’m already being mourned, and I’m not even gone yet. It’s a mind fuck.

My back hurts tonight. It’s also a mind fuck to know that’s because cancer is eating my bones.

For fuck’s sake.

Anyhoo – I’ve drugged myself, and look forward to a few blissful hours of oblivion whenever these pills finally kick in. I’m thankful tomorrow is Saturday, and I have nowhere to be.

I’m thinking about popping onto the Breast Cancer.org Metastatic board and introducing myself. Might as well get some support from people who understand this shit show.

I don’t want the rest of my life to be about this. I’m hoping that after this initial diagnosis period passes, my life will go back to some sort of normal.

I felt pretty icky tonight – the after effects of the anesthesia and colonoscopy.

We watched Khan and it was awesome.

Tomorrow I think we’re going to plan the party.

I also need to exercise. Do some cleaning. Read/research. Get the business tax shit organized and sent to my tax attorney. Just normal every day shit. I’m looking forward to it…the normalcy.

some good news…finally

The endoscopy and colonoscopy didn’t show any abnormalities, though she took some biopsies just to be certain. I should know those results in approximately ten days.

The bone biopsy has been scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. It’s at my preferred hospital, which is nice.

I woke up from the anesthesia crying, and when asked if I was hurting, I apparently responded, “yes, emotionally.”