Ugh this fucking hair…

I’m so over head coverings. So. Over. It. BUT my actual hair still looks awful. It’s not filling in as well as I had hoped. My plan was to dye it and clean up the back, but then I really looked at it, and now I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I’m being impatient, I know. Assuming I start Kisqali, then I should keep my hair, and it will hopefully fill in. I’m just so tired of looking like shit all the time. I desperately want the old me back, and I know that’s not in the cards. But at this point, I’d be happy with being chick with extreme pixie cut.

I have all these cute clothes I never wear anymore, because nothing fits right, and I look like shit. I always look pregnant and bloated and swollen and bald and my face looks old and and and and FUCK THIS. I live in leggings and oversized tees. Mostly black. Anything that disguises my figure.

Why do I care so much about this silly shit though? It’s not like when I’m on my death bed, I’ll be thinking about how cute I could have // should have been. I guess I just want to feel normal. Ya know? I’m tired of being terminal cancer lady. I’m tired of LOOKING like her.

I didn’t post about it anywhere, but a second person insinuated I was pregnant during the trip. It was in Sicily at a wine tasting. She basically asked if the baby was enjoying the wine. I was speechless. I don’t think I actually answered her. Like…wtf on so many different levels. I didn’t know where to start, but, of course, it ruined the rest of the excursion. I felt self-conscious the entire time, like I was some alcoholic who drinks while pregnant, and worrying that everyone was judging me. I thought the lack of hair/and my head covering would indicate cancer, but I think most Europeans thought it was a religious thing, which I wasn’t expecting. Here in the US, I feel like people look at me and know I’m sick.

It’s just a lot. I spend most of my days distracting myself so I don’t cry, tbh, but that’s getting more and more difficult.

I think I need to spend more of my free time with people who love me. I’m going to make some plans to see friends. My spirit needs it.

WIRED

On these days that I actually feel well, I’m almost fucking manic. I just need to be doing all the things, all the time. I’m trying to squeeze as much life out of the day as possible.

It feels so good to live. Even the mundane feels divine after the joy-suck that was my summer.

misery loves company

I’m both miserable and lonely.

Today has been trying on the side effects front. The two biggest issues are ridiculously painful bloating, and a huge hemorrhoid that may be the death of me. It hurts like I can’t even describe. White hot pain. TMI TUESDAY! lol

Seriously though, I’m def asking for a dose reduction next cycle. If for no other reason than it will be the cycle before the Mediterranean trip, and I need to maximize my chances of feeling as good as possible. I was offered a dose reduction this last time, but decided to suck it up. I want NED, baby! (no evidence of disease for you newbs – the holy grail). Apparently, there are two lower doses that are available. I will say that, even with today being an epic suck, this cycle has been more tolerable so far.

I finished another book today. It was a slog and I’m glad it’s over. One of my favorite authors released a new novel today, however, and I’m quite excited to get started. The plan is to start that tonight.

There isn’t much to report. I’m just writing because I’m lonely. The family is having dinner, but I’m not feeling well enough to join them tonight. But I keep reminding myself that I’ll be feeling a lot better in just a couple of days most likely. And the almost two weeks of feeling good is definitely worth how I feel right now.

Oh…I received two messages today from readers that made me smile, and I just want to say thank you again to those who reach out. It’s nice to feel like my words matter. I feel so insignificant most of the time anymore.

xoxo

Enhertu is kicking my ass. Like whoa.

I’m trying not to be a whiny little bitch about it, but it’s hard. I’m tired of feeling like this.

Body aches and weaknesses. Wicked nauseated. Some vomiting. Constipation. Dehydrated. Exhausted, like zero energy.

I’m in survival mode right now.