this is a new one

I met with this dude a while back. He wants to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Typically, I need pay stubs from the last six months if you’re going to file, but he told me he had been unemployed during that period. Cool. Makes my life easier.

Fast forward to today, when this same dude emails over a bunch of documents (so I can start prepping the case). He sends a bunch of pay stubs. Upon closer inspection, it seems he has created these pay stubs, from a website called Check Stub Maker. Each check has a watermark on it that says, “This watermark will be removed after purchase,” in big letters. Can’t miss it. So he goes to all this trouble to make pay stubs I wasn’t even looking for, that don’t help his case in anyway, and in fact may hurt his case, but then is too cheap and/or stupid to pay to get the fucking watermark removed. Jesus fuck, bro. Can’t make this stupidity up.

But my favorite part is still to come: My favorite part is that he misspelled the “employer’s” address. It should say South Hanley, but instead says Soutj Hanley.

lol lol lol.

It hurts my head trying to figure this out. Why??????

woo-to-the-motherfucking-hoo!!

I just got really great news regarding one of my most hated cases/clients. This guy is…such a fucking piece of shit, misogynistic douche face, motherfucker.  It has been causing me so much fucking stress, and now I should be able to get it resolved (and finally get fucking paid). OMG I cannot even begin to properly convey what a relief this is. Maybe I’ll stop feeling like I’m constantly on the verge of a massive heart attack.

It’s weird how I can let so much shit roll off my back, and then one dumb ass dick bag can get me all upset and out of sorts. The reason this is finally getting resolved is because I told myself last night that is enough is enough, and I was going to put on my big girl panties and fucking own this motherfucker. So I did.

Yay, yay, yay.

Gonna do a celebratory shot of tequila tonight, baby.

In today’s version of “Stuff Clients Say”

One client recently bought a new car, despite the fact that she is already paying on two different cars, both of which are in excellent condition. In way of explanation, she said, “Well I made that decision (to buy the third car) while I was high on oxy, and I know I must have been really high too, because I told my boyfriend he could stick his thing in my butt. I never let him do that normally!”

Yep…that actually happened. I literally laughed out loud.

 

S-my-D

NO FUCKING CHECKS, BRO. Why would I do work now to get paid later by someone who is filing bankruptcy?? You clearly don’t pay your bills. I’m not trying to be another one of your creditors. This is not a business model that works. Use your fucking brain, please.

Also – client has a 1:30 pm appointment. He shows up at 10:15 am like, “Oh hey I know my appointment is at 1:30, but I’m ready now, so here I am.”

Okay, bro, but WE AREN’T READY WHICH IS WHY YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TIME AT 1:30. What in the actual fuck?

It worked out, though, because the 10:30, who had confirmed, didn’t show up, because somehow between 9 am and 10:30 am, he forgot the time of his appointment.

I can’t today, you guys. I just can’t.

My head hurts.

today’s adventures in dealing with clients

**One lady came into the office, and told T, “I feel an evil presense in this building.” She then went out to her car and came back with a bundle of sage, which she burned for us to “drive out the bad spirits.” Because she just carries sage around with her…ya know, like you do.  She also laid hands upon T to bless her.

T was like, “So we should be good now.” And I responded, “Sage isn’t going to handle the demons though…” She looked quite dismayed. Haha.

**I just had an initial consultation with a 23-year-old man. During our conversation, he said, “I know this is really unprofessional and all, but you are really pretty, and do you have any kids? Are you married?”

I’m not wearing my wedding ring today, because my finger is swollen. I replied, “Oh thank you. Yes, I have kids. Yes, I am married. I am also old enough to be your mother.”

Him, “Mmm. Damn.”

Me: “So moving on…”

 

way the fuck over it

I’m so done arguing with people who make a lot of money about why they have to pay back their debts. Everyone thinks they should be able to charge, charge, charge, and then wipe it all out. That works when you’re poor. It doesn’t when you make $150,000 per year. Pay your shit or don’t…I don’t give a fuck, bro.

it has been a fucking day, my dudes

Today my (now former) client called the cops on me because I refused to fill out her info packet for her and refused to issue her an immediate refund when she decided she wanted to take her business elsewhere as a result. I explained that she must submit her request in writing, per the terms of the fee agreement she signed, and that any refund check would be issued at the end of the month (per office policy). Then she refused to leave and told me she was going to beat my ass.

*sigh*

So once the cops came they ended up issuing her a written trespassing warning and told her that if she comes back she will be arrested.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Additionally, the furnace has been declared “seriously hazardous” and shut off by the HVAC tech, so it is freezing in the office. Oh and this morning a prospective client flipped out because I refused to file a bankruptcy case for her because she has already had 6 failed Chapter 13 cases, and I’m sure as shit not going to be the dumb fuck who files #7 (to stop a foreclosure sale, of course. Uh huh).

To make matters even better, I started taking an antibiotic last night on which I cannot drink alcohol and additionally is making me feel like complete shit. This is a bad week to have to give up alcohol.

The bright side of the day: some good stuff is happening for D and we are going out tonight to celebrate. He wants me to pick the place, so I guess I better give that some thought. Hmm…

let me get this straight…

You are 46 years old. You have four vehicles that you are financing. You want to keep three of them. Why? Nobody knows. You have no kids. You don’t have a spouse or significant other. So you are the only one who drives these vehicles. Oh and you live with your parents because you “can’t afford rent.”

Hmm. I wonder why?

I guarantee you that when I tell him he isn’t going to be allowed to keep three cars while asking the court to discharge his unsecured debts he’s going to flip his shit.

*SIGH*