friday feels

I feel legit confused about some of this poly stuff.
How do I feel?
What do I want?
I’ve never been super great at just letting go and simply seeing what happens, but that is going to have to be the way.
Look at your girl growing up.
Anyway – I got unexpected flowers last night, and it sort of threw me off balance. I did not expect such a thoughtful gesture. Especially since I thought things were going in a MUCH different direction.
D’s date apparently went quite well. They are taking things slow, because she isn’t a lifestyle person. She isn’t “in the club” as D put it. We’ve known her for a long time, and she is a good person. I am happy for them.
And also a tiny bit jealous.
But like we always tell each other: I want you to be at least a little jealous.
I’m also constantly second guessing myself in regards to the guy I’m crushing on. Am I texting too much? Have I been too “on”?
Sigh. Feelings are complicated.

a quick update

I’ve been really busy, like too busy to blog, and it feels good. The merger is a lot of work, and everything is chaos right now, but in the best way possible.

I had in-person court this morning for the first time in like 8 months, and it felt fucking fantastic. Fuck… I really miss being in a courtroom several times per week.

My date last night was really good. I wasn’t expecting us to vibe so well, though weirdly my husband totally called it days prior. I guess he knows me!! Anyway – we had drinks, and a bit of food. We talked very candidly about all the things. Then we made out for about 15 min in his car. We’re already planning our next date. Let’s be blunt: you’ve gotta see if the sex is good if dating is going to work, so we need to bang. The making out was quite promising!

His wife messaged me this morning and said he’s been gushing about our date. 🥰

I love having this type of relationship where I can be dating someone while being friends with his wife. That’s so cool. I kind of really dig poly life, which I never would have expected. So much of it depends on open, honest, frequent communication. I’m looking forward to discussing some things with my husband tonight during our happy hour.

I have more to say, but the boss (I have a boss!) is waiting on me.

I’m happy. ♥️

the poly chronicles

Things have been so hectic recently, so I’m most grateful for this long weekend.

Last night, D and I had a date night. We got all dressed up. We had oysters. I drank all the prosecco. It was lovely. It was good to reconnect with him in a formal way. We’ve been seeing a lot of other people lately, and needed time for just us.

Who are the other people? M&J. We are seeing C&J tonight. That is our covid bubble.

Things have gotten slightly more intense with M&J. J wants more girl nights. M has asked if we can see each other regularly. I think he wants to see me every week, but that’s too much. I could do every two weeks. Maybe. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy spending time with him, because I really do, and I do want to be “official.” I just will not do it at the expense of time with D and the kids – so I have to strike the right balance. He wanted to go out next Thursday, and I suggested the Thursday after instead. Next Thursday, I plan to have another date night with my husband, as it will be our only kid-free night next week.

Also – I’ve been asked out for drinks by another guy that I’m into. We know him (and his wife) through M&J and have hung with them all recently. So technically they are also in our little bubble by default. His name also starts with an M, and his last name starts with a D, so I have no idea what to call him here. I guess I’ll just call him by his name: Michael.

I guess I should add for clarification that D and I have discussed trying separate dates / not as part of a couple. I guess people call those hall passes? Idk the right terminology. We have to approve the other person – meaning we have to be comfortable with the scenario. We have to talk out all the rules still, but he has a couple of ladies he wants to chat up. It’s cute, because he asked if I would help him. Aww. Which I totally will!

This was the natural next step for us given that he’s not necessarily as into the wives of the guys I’m into. Neither of us want anyone to take one for the team, but we also aren’t ready to stop this little adventure either. It has definitely spiced things up around here. (No red waste!)

But at this point, I am definitely at capacity. I do not have the time, energy, or desire to invest in anyone else right now. I am excited to see where these current scenarios lead.

This has been both a horrible and wonderful week.

On the relationship front, this week has been an epic fail.   I’m pretty much heartbroken and horrified over how that entire situation went down.  However, after doing some soul searching and talking with my best girls (Ann, Danielle, Kristie, and Rosa), I feel like this is the right thing.  Who knows what will happen in the future, but for now I need to learn to be single.  I need to do some dating.  I never did much dating.  I had a couple of semi-serious relationships in high school/early college.  I met Grant when I was 18 years old, and then that was it. We got married, and were together for  about 14 years.  After Grant, I had this one year relationship with Dave.  I went from being married to being seriously committed rather quickly.  That was a mistake, and I wish I could go back and change things, because I think we would both be happier right now, but obviously I can’t do that.  Instead, I’m going to learn a lesson and make the best of things.  I know he’s really upset with me right now, and I’m definitely upset with him, but I hope we will be able to at least be friendly again someday.   

One thing is certain, and that is that I refuse to wait around for a grown man to get his shit together.  I spent way too long doing that the last time and life is too fucking short.

The idea of dating is kind of exciting.  It’s also a little scary.  Dating is hard enough as it is, and now I’ll be dating as a breast cancer survivor.  I expressed my fears to a friend today, and she told me she doesn’t think I’ll have any problems.  Apparently her brother-in-law, upon hearing about my break up, was quite bummed that he recently got back together with his ex, because he has been interested in dating me.  He’s cute, so that made me smile.  I’m just going to try to have fun with it, because I think I deserve some fun.

I have had Jackson all week because Grant is recovering from surgery.  I’ll have him until next Wednesday.  It has been wonderful having him around.  He’s out of school so we have been hanging out and doing fun stuff.  He’s been really well behaved, and never stops talking.  It was a lot of fun taking him to see the apartment yesterday.  He keeps talking about moving into his new room, and I’m happy that he’s so excited.  This is a fresh start that we desperately need.

I’ve done some awesome bonding with my friends and sister this week.  I’m very lucky to have so many amazing people in my life to support me.

Also, radiation week one (of seven) is completed!   Win.