In re: today’s medical appt

My psych told me that my job is to relax and take care of myself. She said she knows it’s difficult for an over achiever like me to allow themself to do so without a lot of guilt, but that she wants me to work on it. So I’m currently lying down and resting for a few hours before I head out to run some errands. Like she said: I didn’t choose this life, but I choose to make the best of it.

Also – I keep reminding myself that this is technically my retirement. I should do things that make me happy. What’s the point of feeling guilty about it? It is what it is.

desperately seeking something

The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.

It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.

I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.

I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.


I’ve come out to my husband already, and so I’m just going to say it here:

I’m depressed; like in a dark place and should probably take meds depressed.

I have no motivation. I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. My anxiety is raging. I can’t sleep. I cry for no reason. I’m wanting to isolate myself (even more than usual). I’m angry. It’s not good.

It’s not really surprising considering my history with depression combined with the massive changes in my body over the last couple of months. The complete loss of estrogen is a huge fucking deal.

I tried Effexor, but that just made things worse. I got suicidal. I don’t particularly want to take meds, but I know I should at least consider it. I need to get a new primary care doc like asap.

My current plan is to increase my exercise. I do usually feel a lot better mentally when I’m exercising regularly. And hopefully find a way to get more restful sleep. I’ve been taking Benadryl at bedtime for allergies and it has helped a bit with my insomnia. Also, D has kicked the cat out of the bedroom because she kept waking us (mostly me) up. That has helped a lot too.

It feels good to just say it, actually. Like a bit of the burden has been lifted. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m okay when I’m really not. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fun or good moments/days.  Just overall…I’m feeling down and I need love and understanding to help me through it.




cheers to the demons who’ve been with me all evening…

I’m feeling very angst-y today. I think the cause is mostly hormones, mixed in with a low grade chemical depression. I was talking to D about various things earlier and started just started crying out of the blue. As I was doing it, I was like wtf is even happening right now? So yeah that’s fun and all, but I have to move past it because we are having friends over in a bit. They’re going to play D&D with us and the kids. Should be fun. To ensure it is, I have a bottle of cab I’m about to open. It’s the little things sometimes, ya know? Anyway, the point of this post is that nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time, no matter how things may appear on social media. I think it would do everyone (including me) good to remember that.


oh where, oh where can it be?

My motivation. It is missing, and has been for some time.

Even the smallest of tasks seem overwhelming.

I know it’s part of the depression I’ve been battling. Lexapro has helped so much, but I still feel like everything is so much harder than it should be. The chronic pain and tension headaches haven’t been helping the situation.

There isn’t any point to this post other than to just get it out. I thought about only posting this to my private blog, but then realized it was silly to be embarrassed about it. 

keeping it real

Instead of giving in to the grief and canceling all my plans/appointments today, which is what I wanted to do when I woke up at six this morning, I did all the things. I had car repairs in the morning, followed by much work, followed by an appointment with my primary care doc, and finally a trip to west county to pick up my kid whom I’m keeping tonight so his dad can go to a concert. (Yay for extra kid time). 

I feel good about how much I’ve accomplished today, because I’ve been feeling really down about my productivity (among other things) the last few weeks. I feel like I’m on the verge of a great, black depression taking over my life. I have been there before, and I don’t want to go back. Therefore, after a long talk with my doctor today, I have decided to start taking Lexapro. 

I do wish it was easier to explain depression to someone who hasn’t experienced it before. It doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with you or don’t love you. It has absolutely nothing to do with that. The book I’m currently reading, My Heart And Other Black Holes, describes depression as a “black slug” that fills you up and sucks away your motivation and ability to feel. I find that to be fairly accurate. Lack of motivation and extreme exhaustion have been hitting me hard this time around. 

That said, I have been considering some changes to my life and routine. I’m finally going to sign up for the yoga classes I’ve been wanting to take. I’m going to continue working on the minimalism projects I’ve assigned myself. I’m going to take my meds, exercise, and reach out more to my friends. I’m going to be more present and in the moment. The only way my life is going to change is if I change it. 

I feel better right now than I have in a while. It feels good to be proactive. 

open up my head and let me out

  1. I wrote this long blog post and then saved it to drafts. Sometimes I just need to write it out, but don’t feel like sharing it. I have three posts in the draft folder that I will probably never delete, but I’ll also never post.
  2. I woke up not feeling well today. I have a horrible headache. I’m not sure why.  The weather here is rainy and blah, so it seems like a good day to just stay inside and try to relax. I don’t know why relaxing is so hard for me. It makes me feel guilty. 
  3. I’ve been sad lately. I think maybe my Tamoxifen induced depression is back. I’m struggling with whether or not I want to medicate it or leave it be. I’m so sick of pills. 
  4. I’m on a big house decoration kick. Next up: curtains. This stuff is more exciting to me than I feel like it should be. Just another sign of my old age, I guess.
  5. Danielle & I watched The Babadook last night. It was creepy as fuck. It hit a little too close to home with the whole single mom and young son aspect of it. 
  6. I didn’t sleep very well last night. See #5.  Oh and also…my regularly scheduled insomnia, of course. Lorazepam is not working. *sigh*
  7. Sundays make me anxious. I don’t expect this one to be any different. Ugh. I need a hug, and my boyfriend won’t be back until Thursday. *sad face*

12:45 am

I’m feeling very lonely tonight.

I’ve spent most of the evening crying. i have a lot of stuff to figure out, but I wrote out my thoughts (in a separate private post) and I think that helped.

On a lighter note, I started watching Season 2 of American Horror Story this weekend, and holy fuck that season is good. It’s so creepy and fucked up. I want to watch more right now, but I’ll never get to sleep if I do that.

I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but: I’m really glad this weekend is over.

how lovely to be a woman…

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m no longer able to take birth control pills, because the estrogen helps my cancer grow. So today I went to see my newest doctor, Dr. Andrea Hageman.  She is a gynecological oncologist.  Regular gynecologists are scared of me now (thanks, breast cancer), so Dr. Naughton referred me to Dr. Hageman.  I’m so grateful, because she is awesome.  I highly recommend her to any female in need of such care in the St. Louis area.

We talked about my birth control options.  She told me that I probably wouldn’t be able to get pregnant, because my ovaries are shutting down due to the chemo.  I haven’t had a period in over a month, and now I’m having hot flashes.  My body is going into what is referred to as chemopause.  Chemo induced menopause. Luckily, this is usually temporary, but it still totally sucks.  I am not willing to chance pregnancy, no matter how slight, so we discussed IUDs.  I ultimately decided upon the Mirena, and she told me she could place it today.  I was a little surprised about that, but said okay.


Let me break this down for those of you that don’t know or are curious.

  • First she did a manual exam to get an idea of the size and shape of my uterus.
  • Then she inserted the speculum/clamp, and cleaned the cervix.
  • Next she inserted the sound, which is a straight metal rod, and is used to measure the uterus. It is inserted through the cervix.  It caused the most painful cramping feeling.  I yelped in pain when she inserted it.
  • Next she inserted the IUD (a small, T shaped plastic device). That hurt just as much, and took longer.  I started to feel really dizzy and nauseous at this point.  The nurse kept urging me to take deep breaths, which did help a bit, but this part felt like it took forever.
  • She cut the strings of the IUD, which hang out of the cervix, and will allow me to check to make sure the IUD is still in place.
  • Then she removed the clamp and speculum. 

The pain caused me to feel dizzy, sweaty, and nauseous.  My blood pressure dropped very low, and I wasn’t able to stand up for about 25 minutes after the procedure.  I was given a cold wash cloth, orange juice, and graham crackers, which helped a lot. Dr. Hageman told me to expect bad cramps for the next 48 hours, as well as some bleeding. 

The cramps are definitely here, and they suck.  Even after prescription strength ibuprofen and oxycodone, they still hurt enough that I don’t see myself leaving the couch anytime soon.  However, I think it’s going to be well worth it.  I won’t have to worry about birth control for the next five years, and no periods either.  I’ll take it.

We discussed my hot flashes.  She prescribed Effexor to help with those, and it should also help regulate my mood.  I’ve battled depression for most of my adult life, and while I think I’m doing really well all things considered, it certainly won’t hurt to get some help in that area.