all the feels

  1. My good friend was officially divorced yesterday, and even though it was her decision, she is feeling really down about it. I can completely relate to how she’s feeling, and so we talked it out this morning and had a good cry/hug fest. I love her. I hope she can find peace with her decision and move on to have the happy life she deserves. Her ex is also my friend, and I hope the same for him.
  2. BB King. *sad face*
  3. BFF birthday fun fest tonight. We are starting with pedicures. Then dinner. Not sure what’s on the agenda after that.
  4. I miss my kid. *sigh* #divorceproblems
  5. My weekend starts in 4 ½ hours, and, thanks to the bf, I have Bell’s Two Hearted Ale waiting for me at home. Have I mentioned lately how much I love him?

*happy saturday*

  1. My knee is so swollen. The pain was so intense yesterday, that even after various pain pills, I was lightheaded and nauseous.  It’s better today, but still pretty fucked.  Despite this, I did #30DS Level 3, because I was getting depressed after two days of not working out.
  2. Even though he will not see it, I want to give a shout out to my ex for bringing Jackson to me yesterday when I told him about my knee. I’m lucky I have such a good parenting relationship with him. The few divorced people I know are not as lucky. He’s a good guy, and a great dad.  Despite everything, we are getting along, and I am thankful for that.
  3. I’m back on Livejournal. (just_jenn2011 for now. I’m thinking a name change is in order or maybe I should go back to the original blog: lawgirljenn?) A friend reached out to me the other day and was like we miss you over here, and so I logged in yesterday (during my bed rest). It’s good to catch up, and to have a more private space to write in from time to time.
  4. Danielle is doing 30 Day Shred now. I’m hoping my knee improves so I can get over there to join her. Workout buddies are the best.
  5. Ann brought me dinner and ice cream last night. She’s the best bestie ever. ❤
  6. Tonight Jackson and I have a dinner date with itsjustcarrie and we are quite excited.

No regrets

I was married ten years ago today.

Now I am divorced.

And so it goes.

I wonder if it ever stops feeling strange. I wonder if someday August 8th won’t mean anything to me or maybe it simply won’t jump out at me right away.
I’m not sad. It’s an odd feeling that is difficult to explain. But ultimately, it feels like things are exactly as they should be.

vows are spoken, to be broken

One year ago today, I stood in front of a family court judge and was declared divorced.  That was a shitty fucking day. I remember standing there and listening to my ex’s voice break while he answered the judge’s questions.  I wanted to disappear. I felt like the worst person ever.

I cannot believe it has been a year.  I still struggle with feelings of guilt, but I’m so much happier now.

Last night, I was tipsy from good wine, walking hand in hand with my boyfriend, and I remember thinking: this is where I’m supposed to be. I’m just really sorry people had to hurt (and likely continue to hurt) in order for it to happen.

To punish myself, I listened to the playlist I made right after I separated. That was a real downer.  Then I remembered that next month would have been our ten year wedding anniversary.  We had so many plans.  It’s heartbreaking that they didn’t pan out.  Just because I needed this divorce, doesn’t mean it didn’t rip me apart inside. I don’t think that pain will ever completely go away, but it does lessen with time.

But you know what, I’m not going to be sad today.  I’m not going to dwell. I’m going to celebrate this new life I’ve made for myself, and my happiness.

However, I do want to tell two people that I’m sorry for their pain.  I know they will likely never see this, and it isn’t like I haven’t told them before, but it feels right to put it out there.  I hope they can find the happiness that I have. I want us all to find our happily ever after.

i think i’ll float

  • Could Daryl and Beth be any cuter? They are my faves. #TheWalkingDead
  • I heard the most depressing song ever on Friday night. My Orphan Year. Maybe I cried a little bit. Shut up. 
  • My ex-husband’s grandfather committed suicide this weekend. It has been on my mind a lot since I found out.  It’s one of those weird situations where you feel sad, but then you feel like you don’t have the right to be sad, because you’re the one who wanted to get divorced. You’re the one that left that family behind.  But in reality, life doesn’t work that way. Emotions don’t work that way. You don’t stop caring about people just because you get divorced. I’m entitled to feel sad, and I do. 
  • Xanax, thank you for all you do. 
  • Serious body issues tonight. I’m avoiding mirrors.
  • I get to spend every night for the next week with my kiddo. ❤
  • I think I’m going to Scotland at the end of the month.  My boyfriend is going for business and has invited me to join him. 
  • I need it to warm up so I can start running outside again. Spring cannot come soon enough. 
  • I think I’m going to go ahead and do the half-marathon in April since I’m already signed up for it. I’ll have to walk most of it, since I haven’t trained at all, but whatever. I need to worry less about the time, and more about the experience.  
  • Tomorrow is girls night with the bestie. Can’t wait. I’m thinking it’s definitely a pizza and wine kind of night. 
  • I leave you with my face, because it’s Mugshot Monday.

image

sickness

I just had my first experience with a middle of the night trip to the drug store to get meds for my sick kid. I hope the meds kick in soon. I’m tired. Why do the symptoms always first appear in the middle of the night?

Actually having to take the sick 4-year-old with you sucks. Especially when it’s 14 degrees outside. This is one of those times when it really sucks being divorced.

these go to 11

  1. My kid is leaving town tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving in Texas with his dad’s family. I’m upset that I don’t get to spend Thanksgiving with him, which is silly because I’m not a big Thanksgiving person.  But…still. I’m sad.  And yeah, I get that it’s my fault since I’m the one who wanted to get divorced.  Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
  2. I can’t stop eating Starbursts and now I feel sick.  Even feeling sick isn’t sufficient motivation to stop though.
  3. I blame my boyfriend for telling me I look awesome and don’t need to lose weight.
  4. I’ve had a headache for 24 hours non-stop. Awesome.
  5. I have a visitor this week: Violet.  For those that don’t know, Violet is the cat I bought with my ex.  He “got” her in the divorce. I don’t know how to refer to her now. Is she his cat? Is she our cat? Idk. Whatever. She’s here, and so far she doesn’t seem too happy about it.
  6. Btw, I’m an awesome ex-wife for watching the cat, right? *pats self on back*
  7. I don’t get the point of blocking someone on one social media site, but not others.  Why block me on Facebook, but not on Twitter, Instagram, or Goodreads? Most people have their Facebook pages totally locked down anyway.  It’s weird, right? 
  8. I wrote a long paragraph for #8 and then deleted it because it’s just not worth it.
  9. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown about breast cancer shit. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.  Thanksgiving is the anniversary of my double mastectomy. Nice.
  10. The other day I saw something that reminded me of this trashy whore I used to know, but haven’t spoken to in about 18 months.  (My ex also “got” her in the divorce, which worked out well because I never liked her anyway. He also “had” her before our divorce, but that’s a story for another time.) Anyway, it reminded me of just how much my life has changed since December 2011.  (December 2011 is when I met somebody who changed the course of my life.) 
  11. I used to have a make-up and designer handbag obsession (in what feels like a previous life). I am starting to get really into make-up again, and I’m quite excited because my very first Birchbox is on the way.  Also, I am ready to declare that the Stila in the Light eyeshadow palette is love. 

gee, ain’t it funny how time just slips away?

A year ago today I was an emotional mess, knowing that in less than 24 hours I was going to have a core biopsy to find out whether or not the masses in my left breast were cancerous.  I knew they were. I just knew it deep down in my gut, and had known it from the moment I caught a glimpse of my inverted nipple. I would just sit there feeling the masses constantly and wondering how bad it was going to be. Would I die? Would i lose my breasts? Was my life insurance paid up? How could I leave Jackson without a mother at such a young age? Who would take over my cases? 

I was cleaning out my email inbox early this morning, and came across an email exchange dated October 30, 2012.  On this lovely day one year ago, I was also arguing with my boyfriend’s ex about Halloween party pics I posted to my old blog. She did not approve of me posting pics of him and I on the internet. As you might imagine, zero fucks were given, though I did remove the pics, because whatever. I had enough problems, and certainly didn’t need to deal with that bullshit on top of cancer stress. 

It’s amazing what a difference a year can make. 

I’m sitting here healing from my implant exchange, and I’m cancer free.  I can feel free to shout about my love from the rooftops. I can post whatever pics I want.  A lot of people still aren’t happy about it.  They make their disapproval known in subtle ways.  Well guess what? Zero fucks are still given. 

I’m happy. It was all worth it. And I’m not sorry.