dreams so real

Trazadone has been giving me those super vivid dreams that you only get on (certain) drugs. I’ve also had waking dreams with it.


The first night I had a dream that I was making out with a very hot lady. We got onto the bed and started to undress, when she suddenly pulled out a dick. I was surprised, but into it, and started to go downtown. Then I discovered that the dick was covered in a light fur, and that maybe she was actually some kind of werewolf or something. I was strangely into it.

A couple of nights ago, I *think* I was still awake (though I guess I probably wasn’t), and I saw and heard a kitten on the floor next to my bed. I hurredly turned on the bedside lamp and jumped out of bed, just to realize that I was alone in the room. That one sort of freaked me out.

This is just the 50 mg dose. Freya takes this med too, and I asked her if she has vivid/strange dreams now, but she said she doesn’t.

I used to have similar experiences on Ambien – though Ambien was way crazier. I used to full on hallucinate on Ambien. Ah…those were the days. lol


I took two Fioricet (new prescription) for my headache. This is my first time doing so. I’ve been getting lots of tension headaches lately so my doc hooked me up with a new med. It contains a barbiturate, and holy shit I’m loopy. I feel very chill and my headache is gone. Jenn approves. 

I have the best doc. She’s my business partner’s ex-wife and she is the shit. 

i need direction to perfection

I haven’t done one of these posts in a while. Prepare for all the randomness.

  • I have a really bad cold. I feel faint every time I stand up. Of course, that may have something to do with the lack of eating, and the drinking wine while taking Sudafed. I guess this is why the box says do not drink alcohol while taking this medication.  But when have I ever followed the directions on pill boxes? (Seriously though, when they say don’t drink on Flagyl they actually mean it. I learned that the hard way. Hard way is a nice way of saying I ended up in the ER getting a shot in the ass to stop the puking. You live, you learn.)
  • I can’t decide if I want to do the Komen breast cancer walk this year. I’m quite conflicted. When I go to the site to sign up, I get all teary eyed and close the page. I need to decide very soon.
  • The law firm is crazy. I don’t want to talk about it. Success is good, but also stressful. 
  • I’ve read 31 books so far this year. Holy shit. #32 isn’t so great thus far. Any suggestions? What’s the best book you have ever read?
  • Today was National Running Day, but I didn’t get to run, because I’m sick. BOO.
  • June 1st was Cancer Survivor’s Day. That shit kind of pisses me off, but I’m not going to go there right now. I’m too tired.
  • Jackson keeps doing this thing where he yells at me for killing bugs. He says they are “god’s creatures.” I can thank the Jewish school for this nonsense. Motherfucker. 
  • Jackson and I have been playing Super Mario Galaxy a lot lately. It’s kind of addictive.
  • Is it pathetic that the highlight of my week will be tomorrow night when I finally get to watch Game of Thrones with the boyfriend?
  • NyQuil is calling my name. Good night. 

I can deal with hot flashes. I can deal with warm weather. But dealing with both totally sucks. I turned on the air conditioning tonight. Saving money just isn’t worth it.

I’m trying to maintain a good attitude. It’s hard today. Chronic pain sucks. I’ve been living like this for 10 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier. The middle finger on my right hand is so swollen that I can hardly use that hand. Jax brushed against it earlier and I screamed. My right knee is so swollen that it’s hard to walk. The right side of my body hates me a little more than the left. Ha ha.

But ya know what? Marijuana and oxycodone…they help a bit. Psoriatic arthritis and breast cancer? I think I’m entitled.

Of course, it feels stupid to complain about the arthritis after dealing with the cancer, but it still hurts like hell so whatever. Life is weird.

But…at least I’m alive. There’s that.

  • Tomorrow is chemo #7 of 8.  I’m ready to get it over with.  At this point, I have grown used to it, and see it as an inconvenience I must endure. I already have a good idea of how the week after will go.  I think the real mind fuck is going to happen once I truly acknowledge the fact that I’m almost finished with chemo.  I’ve been thinking about it lately, and it makes me really emotional. When it’s over, it’s not really over, but I think that is how most people are going to see it. They will think that it’s over so that means I’m better.  That’s not what it means.  Not at all.  There will be a separate post about this at some point in the near future, I’m sure.  I don’t feel up to dealing with that right now.
  • Jackson is here tonight, and I’m happy.  I also get to have him on Sunday.  I’m going to hide eggs around the apartment.  My boyfriend gave me that idea. He’s smarter than me.
  • Speaking of which, I’m really happy with where our relationship is right now.
  • Things at the law firm are going extremely well. I don’t just mean financially.
  • Last summer, I bought some clothes without trying them on, and when I got them home they were too tight.  I cried, and then promised myself they would fit this summer.  I tried them on earlier.  Guess what?  They fit.
  • Training/running isn’t going as well as I would like.  Chemo fatigue is kicking my ass.  I have to do something about this.  I’m just not sure what. Ultimately, I think the answer is that I have to suck it up and do it anyway.  I almost always feel better after I force myself to be active.
  • My eyebrows and eyelashes are not doing so well. I’m going to start Latisse tonight. I hope it helps.
  • I’ve been getting out more lately, and have been seeing people I haven’t seen in a while.  I always get the same response, which is an immediate, “You look so great!”  It’s like they all expect me to look like walking death.  It’s kind of funny, and also an ego boost.
  • I think Effexor is starting to work.

the steroids have left the building

Now that the steroids are out of my body, I am feeling much more like myself.  My emotional breakdown yesterday was caused at least in part by them.  That’s not to say that stuff doesn’t suck kind of hard right now, but the evil steroids were not helping.  They make me super hungry and super emotional.  Aka: fat and crazy.  So anyway, they are gone now, and I am feeling much better. 

A chemo recovery pattern is emerging.  On Friday night following a treatment, I will crash hard.  The weekend is pretty much fucked, but with a few good moments.  Monday sucks.  Tuesday is slightly better.  On Wednesday, I feel what I’m referring to as “normal crappy”, which is comparatively awesome.  The next week and a half I will feel mostly normal, and then it will be back to the dreaded chemo lounge.  Ugh.

I realized yesterday that I am very lucky to have so many amazing and supportive people in my life.  This was made even clearer today by a particularly nasty relative of mine (who shall remain nameless).  I think it really says something about a person who cannot be bothered to ask how you are doing during one of the worst times of your life, but instead goes directly into what you must do for them.  I don’t have time for toxic people in my life.  I cut most of them out a long time ago, but it seems that I have some more cutting to do.  Good riddance. I won’t miss you.