I had my first radiation treatment today.  I cried the entire way there.  I cannot believe this is actually happening. 

I’m extremely unhappy right now.  Nothing is going right, and I’m done trying. Fuck it. 

Chemo: the fun never ends

For the last few weeks, I have noticed that the skin on my feet has been sore, but it hasn’t been anything too troublesome.  As of last night, the skin has started hurting so much that it is painful to walk.  My hands feel sore as well, but not as bad.  I decided to do some Google searching, and found out this is a side effect of my good friend Adriamycin. It’s called palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia.  It seems it may go away or it may not.  Only time will tell. 


I found some suggestions on how to manage the symptoms in the meantime.  I’m really hoping my body will start to recover from all the damage Adriamycin has done.  I was talking to Dr. N at my last appointment, and I asked him if I was in the clear as far as other AC side effects, since they had not yet developed.  He actually laughed (not in a mean way), and said no way.  He said I could experience new side effects up to several months after treatment stops.  Maybe even years, though that is less likely.

Epic fail.  I’m about at my breaking point with this shit.

By the way, I taught Jax how to say epic fail yesterday, and it’s really funny.  I got a recording of it.

My arm is bothering me. I’m driving myself crazy.  I have convinced myself I’m getting lymphedema. It’s hard to tell what is normal and what is not this soon after surgery. I’ve been doing the exercises.  I hope that’s good enough.

I kind of hate everything right now.  I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m in pain.  I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I see some of my relationships falling apart.  I’m tired of being trapped in this house all the time.  I’m tired of being alone all the time. I’m tired of crying.

It could be worse.  At least I still have Jackson.

My surgery was moved to Wednesday afternoon.  I’m pleased, because it means one less day with cancer.  The only thing that sucks is that I will miss my appointment with my Rheumatologist, which is currently set for that afternoon, and I really need to see him.  My joints are a total mess. 

Stupid medical conditions.

More importantly, I need to talk to my Rheumatologist to see if he thinks that taking Enbrel caused (or contributed to) the breast cancer.  I’ve done a bit of research on that issue, and there are conflicting opinions.  When it was first prescribed for me in 2005, after all the other options had failed, I was told that taking Enbrel would lead to an increased risk of Lymphoma and “other cancers”.  Regardless of what he believes, it will be up to me to decide if I will resume taking Enbrel (or any other TNF blocker) to control the symptoms of my psoriatic arthritis.  This is actually a huge decision, because without this medication my joints are typically too inflamed and painful to allow me to function in my day to day life.  I feel like I’m fucked if I do, and I’m fucked if I don’t.  I wish there was a way to know for sure.

I kind of hate my body, because it clearly hates me.

everything hits at once

My surgeon called with the pathology results.  Microscopic cancer cells were in all three nodes.  Now she wants to do another surgery to remove the remaining nodes in the area. I’m a little annoyed about the second surgery, as St. Luke’s does the biopsy during the original surgery, and then will take out the remaining nodes if the biopsies show cancer.  That makes a lot more sense to me.

I’m going on Friday to have a PET scan and CAT scan.  This will show where else the cancer has spread. Let’s hope it hasn’t.

I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s difficult. 

I’m particularly miserable today.  All of my incisions are sore/itchy, my right knee is extremely swollen, several other areas of my body are swollen, including my cheeks (wtf?), and I can barely walk. 

I’m really hoping that the swollen nodes above the neck are related to the psoriatic arthritis.  It’s truly unfortunate that I’m having a bad arthritis flare at the same time I’m recovering from a double mastectomy.  Good luck…I have none.

Still, I’m trying to stay positive.  Even if it has spread to the lymph nodes above the neck, it would still only be stage 3.  It’s only stage 4 if it has spread to other organs or distant nodes.  Friday can’t get here soon enough.  I just want to know.  Enough with the fucking waiting.

I need to call my mom and sister to tell them.  I’m dreading it.  They are going to flip out.

The lymph nodes on the left side (cancer side) of my body, and above the collar bone, are swollen.  So now I’m convinced that I actually have Stage IV cancer and I’m going to die.  I don’t recall it being this way pre-surgery, so I’m hoping that it is simply a reaction to the stress the surgery has put on my body.  But what if it isn’t?  If this is cancer related, my chances of surviving just plummeted.

I have a week before I see my breast surgeon.  I’m hoping to learn the pathology results this week, however. Unfortunately, I’m back to expecting bad news. 

I need to get good with the fact that I may die from this.

2012 can fucking suck it

I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I can’t even with this shit today.  I cannot deal.  I feel horrible. I didn’t sleep at all because of a cranky toddler.  I have made myself sick from stressing.  I’m dreading tomorrow so much and now I have to sit here and worry about other people’s feelings, and I don’t fucking want to.  In fact, I refuse to.  Fuck it. I have to be stuck with a needle multiple times in the morning to find out if I have cancer so I really don’t even give a shit right now.

So now I’m losing my shit on the internet, because I can’t do it in real life, since I have a three year old sitting on the couch. Fuck this fucking day so fucking hard.

It’s 1:15 am and it doesn’t look like I’ll be doing much sleeping tonight.

I just want it to be 11:30 so I can get this over with.  The waiting sucks.  Regardless of the answer, I just want to know.