And it feels so good.

No more leaving clumps of hair all around the house.

I’m so over head coverings. So. Over. It. BUT my actual hair still looks awful. It’s not filling in as well as I had hoped. My plan was to dye it and clean up the back, but then I really looked at it, and now I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I’m being impatient, I know. Assuming I start Kisqali, then I should keep my hair, and it will hopefully fill in. I’m just so tired of looking like shit all the time. I desperately want the old me back, and I know that’s not in the cards. But at this point, I’d be happy with being chick with extreme pixie cut.

I have all these cute clothes I never wear anymore, because nothing fits right, and I look like shit. I always look pregnant and bloated and swollen and bald and my face looks old and and and and FUCK THIS. I live in leggings and oversized tees. Mostly black. Anything that disguises my figure.

Why do I care so much about this silly shit though? It’s not like when I’m on my death bed, I’ll be thinking about how cute I could have // should have been. I guess I just want to feel normal. Ya know? I’m tired of being terminal cancer lady. I’m tired of LOOKING like her.

I didn’t post about it anywhere, but a second person insinuated I was pregnant during the trip. It was in Sicily at a wine tasting. She basically asked if the baby was enjoying the wine. I was speechless. I don’t think I actually answered her. Like…wtf on so many different levels. I didn’t know where to start, but, of course, it ruined the rest of the excursion. I felt self-conscious the entire time, like I was some alcoholic who drinks while pregnant, and worrying that everyone was judging me. I thought the lack of hair/and my head covering would indicate cancer, but I think most Europeans thought it was a religious thing, which I wasn’t expecting. Here in the US, I feel like people look at me and know I’m sick.

It’s just a lot. I spend most of my days distracting myself so I don’t cry, tbh, but that’s getting more and more difficult.

I think I need to spend more of my free time with people who love me. I’m going to make some plans to see friends. My spirit needs it.

The fresh buzz cut feels very nice. Fresh. Clean. Cool. It’s kind of liberating to not have hair. It will be interesting to see whether it grows back during treatment like some people’s does.