*fingers crossed*

I was sitting here just a few moments ago taking stock of all the ways in which my body has decided to hate me today (and most days, honestly). Exhaustion. Stomach issues. Joint pain. Tension headache. Allergies. I was starting to feel a bit down, but then I got a message from a friend stating that she’s about to ship my CBD oil. This will be my first time trying it (regularly anyway – i did vape some with a friend back in April). I’ve heard a lot of promising things and I am hopeful that this will help me with at least some of these ailments. So like the post title says: fingers crossed!

you know what sucks?

Having to manage all of these fucking medical issues that have conflicting needs.

My psoriatic arthritis has become more of a problem recently. For example, I woke up today around 3:30 am because my hands and wrists were hurting like crazy. My current meds just aren’t working as well as I’d like, but the meds that do work have a cancer risk, so I haven’t been able to take them since my diagnosis.

I had my ovaries removed to reduce the risk of my cancer returning, which puts me at risk for osteoporosis. I need to do high impact exercises to help protect my bones. Unfortunately, doing high impact exercise is bad for my already fucked up joints.

I just feel like I can’t fucking win. I’m constantly having to make a difficult choice when it comes to my health/my body.

It’s hard to believe

but my Otezla starter pack will be delivered on Wednesday. I have fought so hard to get this medicine (literally for years now…since breast cancer remission) and it is finally on its way to me. Holy fuck. Of course, I had to pay an ugly $300 copay, but at least it’s not $2000, right? Haha. Now that this is finally happening, I’m starting to feel a bit nervous. Chances are I’m going to be quite ill for a few weeks as I adjust to the side effects. As long as I’m adjusted by the wedding…that’s all I care about. Please send good vibes that these meds will work for me. I was walking around all weekend feeling like a 90-year-old because of how bad my joints have gotten. If this doesn’t work, I don’t have any other options for at least a year.

fucking finally!!!!!

United Healthcare approved my psoriatic arthritis meds for coverage, and I’m so relieved/happy/excited/nervous…lots of emotions. I’m also slightly frustrated because these meds can only be administered through a special mail order pharmacy which has been a bit of a nightmare to deal with. But still…progress. I should be able to start within the next couple of weeks. I’m nervous because I’ve read that the first few weeks are really rough with the various side effects. I’m hopeful that this will provide me with some relief though.

*squeeeeeeeeeee*

This is a really big deal for us. I honestly don’t know who is happier: me or D. I had sort of resigned myself to the fact that I would be forced to live with this untreated condition for the rest of my life.  Now there is hope again. I really, really hope this works for me.

Accountability 

Had my Shakeology this morning. I tried vanilla for the first time. I’m not sure yet if I like it more than the chocolate. More time is needed. I had planned to get up early and get a workout in since I’m busy tonight, but it didn’t happen because I had a bad night of sleep. More on that later. But…last night D and I went for a late night run and then I came back and did Upper Fix. This is the last week of my current accountability group, but I definitely want to join another one. I think another coach friend is about to do a 21 day fix group, and 21 day fix is my fucking jam, so…

I’m going to stop weighing myself for a while, I think. The numbers are all over the place and it’s making me crazy. On Monday, the scale said I had gained seven pounds overnight. That was the day after a seriously strenuous eight mile hike, so I know that had a lot to do with it, but my motivation and self esteem still took a huge hit. So fuck the scale. What really matters is that I feel good, like better than I have in a really long time. I’m going to keep on keeping on, do my thing, and ignore the scale. Well at least until we replace the batteries, which are almost dead. 😂

Dave says he can see and feel a difference in my body, but, most importantly, he sees a tremendous change in my mood. That alone is worth all the hard work. 

If you’re on a fitness journey of your own and need a pep talk/accountability pal then hit me up. Available for fitness dates 💜

Shakeology

I’ve been drinking this shit every day for a week. It tastes terrible but I can feel the difference it makes. This morning’s shake is chocolate shakeo with water, a splash of skim milk, and a handful of frozen strawberries and bananas. My coach puts spinach leaves and peanut butter in hers, but I’m not that brave yet. Anyway, it’s  actually really filling and does seem to curb my cravings. I have a box of vanilla on the way. I’m hoping I’ll like it more. 

more medical woes

I received my biopsy results today and it wasn’t good, but I expected that when I got a call from the doctor’s office this morning telling me they needed to move up my follow up appointment from three weeks from now to right fucking now. 

Anyway…I may have cervical cancer, though what’s more likely is that I have highly worrisome precancerous cells that must be removed asap. So that’s happening on Friday morning. They’ll be taking a good chunk of my cervix as well. 

I’m trying not to freak out, because what’s the point? But…I’m tired. So fucking tired. Like why does my body hate me so fucking much? 

Whatever.

fuckery

I went to the dentist today because the left side of my face (ear, jaw, and teeth) hurts. I can barely open my mouth on certain days. After x-rays and an exam, the dentist declared that I really do just have the worst sinus infection ever. Apparently my sinus cavity is quite low and butts up against the nerves in my teeth.

Fuuuuuuuck me.

So I’m back on antibiotics and steroids. Oh joy. I was actually hoping I needed a root canal. How fucked is that?

I’ve been lying around all day like a lazy piece of shit, but at some point this evening I need to rally and finish up the Christmas shopping. Because Christmas is this weekend…like how did that happen? Wasn’t it just October?

In other news, I found out this week that my ex is telling our child to keep secrets from me; one of which is that D isn’t Jackson’s boss and so Jackson doesn’t have to listen to him. I’m going to fuck my ex way the fuck up, but I’m going to wait to do it until after Christmas. I don’t have time for his bullshit right now, and Jackson and I have talked it out extensively. We seem to be on the same page.

I get that the ex is still all butt hurt or whatever over the divorce, but he needs to get a fucking grip. He’s acting like an angst-y teen when he is actually a 37 year old father. He needs to get his shit together and stop putting our kid in the middle of things. Jackson was like, “I hate being in the middle of this. I feel guilty and like I’m disappointing my dad because I care about Dave.”

I’m going to have to cut a bitch clearly.

Another thing Jackson said that broke my heart is that he very much wants D and I to be married, but that he’s scared we will break up and he will lose his family again. *sigh* I reassured him that he doesn’t need to be worried about that (for multiple reasons) but he’s an anxious little boy and I hurt for him. I love him so much. His happiness means everything to me.

Parenting is hard, yo.

 

1300

  • Welcome to my 1300th post. Crazy. 
  • My oncologist says I don’t have bone mets. He says it’s most likely post-mastectomy pain syndrome. Basically, it’s nerve damage caused from all the surgeries. There’s nothing to be done except take more pain meds. Apparently it’s quite common.
  • I’m relieved obviously, but I’m also like wtf. I mean it’s always something, right? I have yet another chronic pain condition? Fucking seriously?
  • My body clearly hates me. 
  • Oh and the insurance situation is so fucked. I don’t even know where to start with it. Honestly…I just can’t today.
  • I hardly slept last night due to anxiety, so I am way out of it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s going to be a long day.
  • On a completely unrelated note: **Girls spoiler alert** I really enjoyed last night’s episode where Adam and Mimi Rose ended up hanging out with each others exes. I kept imagining myself and Dave in that situation, which was humorous. I think somebody would get cut.
  • I’m ready for my weekly lunch date with the bf. I need a hug, and maybe a beer.

Monday Meh

My stomach hurts like all the time and it’s freaking me out. I’m convinced it’s cancer related, like mets or something. I went to urgent care in January over this same pain and they ran a bunch of tests, did a scan, and told me no evidence of cancer. Just evidence of ovarian cysts. It’s most likely a gallbladder problem, or maybe an ulcer, but once you have had cancer, every ache or pain becomes OMFG my cancer is back. It’s fucking exhausting, honestly.

On top of that, this move has kicked my ass. I’m making good progress on setting everything up, but it’s slow going, and I’m tired. I’m also not sleeping well here because my anxiety is flaring. I’m planning on popping a xanax tonight because I’m over it.

So I guess I need to make an appointment with the new doctor my insurance decided to assign as my primary when they changed my policy to save themselves money. Everything requires a fucking referral now, and they treat me like a piece of shit because they consider my insurance to be Medicaid, despite the fact that I pay $600 per month for it. I know I should be grateful to have coverage at all, but really the ACA just took away the right to discriminate against pre-existing conditions and was like: here’s some super expensive insurance that almost no decent doctor will accept. Good luck.

Fuckers.