just do it already

I want to buy a bike. I feel like bike riding could be my new thing, since my knees are too fucked to run much anymore. Why not set my self up for success?

I’ve also decided I want to be bolder with some of my fashion choices. Get outside of the box I’ve put myself in. I always see stuff I love on other people, but think: no, that’s not okay for me. And I’ve got to stop limiting myself in that way.

Examples?

Sleeveless tops and dresses: I think my arms look weird and awful, but that’s silly.

Two piece swimwear. Yes, you have a mom bod. Get the fuck over it. Your husband wants to see you half naked at the pool. You should own it.

Dangling earrings and hoops: I always think they look weird on me, but then I recently said fuck it, tried some that were way outside my comfort zone, and you know what…loved it!

Jumpsuits! Now hear me out…I think I’m going to buy something like this. Maybe even this exact one. It’s cute, right?

Because you know what?? I’m (essentially) 40 years old and I can and should be wearing whatever the fuck I want.

Take a deep breath and live a little, bitch. Let the haters hate. You’re gonna be living your best life. 🤷🏻‍♀️💯

bullets from the bed

  • D has a meeting this morning, so I get to be lazy until lunchtime. No complaints.
  • We’re on eastern time here. And then we’re springing forward this weekend – so my sense of time should be all nice and fucked up by the time I get back home on Monday.
  • Yesterday…I struggle with what to say about it here. I guess I’ll leave it at this: it felt like a bomb was thrown in our laps, and now we have to figure out how to fix the damage, and hopefully prevent future bombings. I feel sad, clueless, foolish, angry…so many different emotions. I hurt for so many different people right now. All in different ways. My job is to provide support. So that’s what I’m going to do. Support and love. Always and forever. I may talk about this in more detail at some point, because I think it’s an important topic. But for now, I need to protect privacy, as well as sort through my thoughts and feelings. But I’m sad. Very sad.
  • I’m learning as I go. Parenting is hard. You don’t know if you’re fucking it up until it’s too late.
  • I’m afraid to get too excited and/or potentially jinx it (I’m that person lol), but I’m thinking that the Xeljanz may be starting to work. Of course, it could just be a coincidence. All I know is that my knee was super swollen and painful yesterday, but it’s significantly improved this morning. I don’t normally make such quick recoveries. I’m cautiously optimistic. Today will make dose three, and so far the side effects have been very manageable. My body has responded favorably to these biological drugs in the past, so…fingers crossed.
  • I started Daisy Jones & The Six on the plane and it’s great so far.
  • As the plane landed last night, I realized that I’m always a bit surprised when I’ve made it without crashing. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my fear of flying here. It used to be almost debilitating. I remember back in the early 2000s when I would lie awake at night, weeks before my actual flight, obsessing over it. Crying even. There were places I didn’t go because of it…trips I didn’t take. Therapy and meds helped. I can do it now, but I still don’t like it. I’m dreading having to fly back alone on Monday morning. Ultimately, however, you’ve gotta seize the day, because life is short. Cancer helped me realize that. So while I don’t like flying, I do like traveling, and so I get it done.
  • Today should be fun. Our hotel is right in the middle of all the fun stuff in downtown Cleveland. We’re meeting up with our friends tonight. I’m excited.

Happy Friday! Be gentle with yourself. Enjoy the weekend. xoxo

Notes from my head right now. 12:52 am

Ouch.

Don’t Google that because then you’ll start obsessing.

I hope these steroids don’t cause insomnia.

We were talking about what we would do if D had a vagina for 24 hours. That was fun.

Weird transition here, but: For the record, D’s parents suck.

I like my sister-in-law, though. The brother’s wife. Not the crazy sister.

It’s a whole thing right now. Family, man. And tweens. Sigh. Though, as I pointed out to D earlier, F likes to ask questions she already knows the answers to just to see what info she can get. She does it all the time. It drives me crazy sometimes, but in this case I think it’s actually a good thing. Being curious is normal. I think she just wants to talk about it, not act on it.

Intoxicated epiphanies.

None of that will likely make sense to you, but it does to me, and D says I have a wisdom of 19, so…😋

D’s weird aunt used to read my blog. I lost her with the last blog name change, thankfully. That how’s I ghosted my ex-MIL, too.

You know what’s crazy: people who spazz out so hard that even their writing is spazzy.

Oh shit…am I doing that thing where I’m talking shit about someone else, while I’m doing the same thing I’m bitching about? Mind fuckery.

D was obsessing over whether he’s enjoying his vacation enough, and that is Dave 101 right there.

I had him watch A Simple Favor, which he enjoyed, and called “a Jenn movie.” He said it was a compliment.

I think we’re finally going to see Mary Queen of Scots this weekend.

I won 2 out of 3 Yahtzee games tonight.

We were really missing the kids earlier. Still do, but I’m feeling less melancholy about it. It helps that we get all wrapped up in each other during these non-custody periods.

I should definitely be asleep right now.

I don’t remember why I started this post.

I wonder if I’ll delete this later.

expert status

Subjects upon which I am apparently considered to be an expert –

  1. Consumer bankruptcy.
  2. Traffic law: particularly helping friends and family get out of their speeding tickets. lol.
  3. Having cancer.
  4. Weed.

In just the last 48 hours, I have talked at length to various individuals on each of the above referenced topics.

my mood today

It took all the willpower I possess to not stop at the three Dunkin Donuts I passed on the way into the office today. The struggle was fucking real.

Thoughts I’ve had already this morning:

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. And you, too. Especially you. I fucking hate you. I’ve never liked you and I’m tired of pretending like I do.

Imma cut a bitch.

I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and if you don’t like it then you can choke on a fucking dick, you fucking fuck.

I wish a motherfucker would.

Then I thought to myself, Jenn, why are you in such a bad mood? Then I went to the bathroom and discovered why:

I’m having my first full blown period in four fucking years. It still sucks just as much as I remembered.

Fuuuuuuuuuck. I miss my Mirena.

 

in my head

  • Busy week ahead. I feel slightly anxious.
  • I really need to pick up my new anxiety meds from Walgreens. Tomorrow.
  • I have plans with friends Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. I’m going to be exhausted by Sunday, but it will be worth it.
  • I’m not feeling well today. I caught D’s cold.
  • As of right now, I’ve read 3 1/2 books this year. My goal is 100.
  • D&D got off to a rocky start Saturday night, but ended up being awesome.
  • The Handmaid’s Tale will premiere on Hulu on April 26th. I’m ridic excited.
  • I’m also excited about: Girls, GoT, House of Cards, and Better Call Saul.
  • I just ordered several books of poetry from Amazon. Pablo Neruda. *sigh*
  • My favorite LLR leggings have a giant hole in the ass. I’m not amused.
  • I can’t stop listening to Angel by DMB for some reason.
  • On the wedding front: next steps are the guest list and ordering save the date cards.
  • We have a humidifier in our room that we use at night. It makes weird noises sometimes that cause me to wake up thinking someone is speaking to me and I freak out. Of course, sometimes someone is actually speaking to me: Freya. Either because of her insomnia or because she is sleepwalking.
  • You know what’s awesome? Dear Mr. You by Mary Louise Parker. You should read it.
  • I’ve decided I want these for my wedding bouquet. How cool are those?!  They’ll last forever. I already know where I plan to display them. I’m going to get a bouquet for Frey too.
  • My pal, Kara, is coming to visit from Colorado in a couple of weeks. So excited! I have to show her all the best of STL in one weekend. I have some planning to do.
  • Oh and we are going to see The Lumineers while she’s here!
  • I feel sort of terrible so I guess I should cuddle up and read some more until I pass out.

xoxo

the firm

I second guess myself way too much considering I’m almost always right (when it comes to work stuff that is). I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

Anyway, I just won a battle on behalf of two clients whose money had been garnished and I ended up getting the money back. All of it. Boom.

Winning always feels good, but it feels especially good when you win against an opponent whom you actually respect/admire. I must be doing something right. I guess. (<< see…i did it again).

We extended a job offer today for a legal assistant position. Should she accept, which I suspect she will, she will be our 5th employee. How the fuck is that even a thing? I still vividly remember when Scott and I were sitting across from each other, just the two of us, in a shared office space. We answered our own phones, scheduled our own appointments, made our own copies. Fuck, sometimes we even did house calls. The idea of having even one employee was a total mind fuck at that point.

Anyway, she (the newbie) will start mid-January. Just in time for busy season.

Though, honestly, every season is busy now, so I guess I should call it busier season.

Sometimes I think about how far we’ve come and I start to feel anxious. I try not to think about it too much. It feels precarious, like it could slip through my fingers at any time. Why do I deserve this? Yes, I worked hard, but so have others. Why me? Why now?  It’s hard to relax.

Things are great. Business is good. My employees are awesome. The law partner and I are getting along better than ever. But I’m so burnt out. I need a real vacation. I need to get away from this place for a bit.  I want to runaway and elope on a beach, and then spend a week drinking, sleeping, banging, reading, swimming, and zoning out. If it doesn’t happen soon, I may cut someone.

I feel the weight of this firm resting heavily upon my shoulders. There’s only so much one person can take. What is my breaking point? Hopefully, we don’t find out.

Nobody said it would be easy, am I right?

Not easy…but worth it. Always worth it.

if you don’t, don’t.

I had a sort of epiphany last night and I feel kind of silly because it’s like: Duh, Jenn! Seriously…duh.

Earlier this week a couple we are friendly with asked if D and I wanted to go to an event this Saturday night. I told her I needed to talk it over with D, but she was like oh I’ll just put you down. Um…okay. I was feeling pretty awkward about the situation and didn’t particularly want to go because the male half of this couple tends to get aggressive when drunk. By “aggressive” I really mean he follows me to the bathroom and starts groping me then doesn’t want to take no for an answer. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Obviously. But otherwise I really like them.

So I was venting last night to our best couple friends about how I wanted to get out of it, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I guess we would just go and blah blah blah. Our friends were basically like: Fuck that noise. Just don’t go. You aren’t comfortable with the situation so just tell her you aren’t going. I was like yeah but what reason should I give her, and my friend is like: YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE HER A REASON. And I was like holy shit…I don’t. I don’t have to give her a reason.

I felt like such a fucking moron for making such a fuss (in my mind) about hurting someone’s feelings and making up bullshit excuses, when really I should just be like: Thanks for the invite, but we have to pass.

So that’s what I did. And it felt amazing.

If you want to say no, say no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything. These are things I tell my own friends, so why can’t I take my own advice? From now on, I will.

Thanks to Ann & Rob for being awesome…as always.

And this pic just feels very appropriate. Haha –

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pointless prattle

I don’t really like OITNB all that much. I find most of the characters to be annoying. I haven’t checked out the new season yet because meh. I’m all about that GoT, baby. I’ll watch OITNB eventually though when I run out of actual good shows to watch.

I have never been so happy to fail at something. #vagueblogging

I think a little bit of jealousy is good for a relationship. Just a little bit though.

You know what else is good? Best friends who tell it like it is.

Ooh and donuts and cake and ice cream and…

I’ve been enjoying embracing my inner nerd. I’m all about this GoT card game.

Life is much more peaceful when certain people are getting laid on the regular.

Two of my toe nails are falling off because of an extremely cute but horribly uncomfortable pair of shoes that I refuse to stop wearing. Who needs toe nails anyway?

I’m toying around with the idea of deactivating my Facebook. But what else is new, right? Ooh maybe I should just start a new one and then only friend certain people. Hmm.

I have 11 free Ticketmaster vouchers because of the class action settlement.

 

Someone recently told me that my confidence is sexy, and that is when I first realized that I am much more confident than I used to be a few years ago. I have spent most of my life feeling shy and awkward and judged. Now I feel free and strong and really couldn’t care less about other people’s judgments. It feels pretty fucking amazing tbh.

I hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Like really, really hate them. They’ve been getting a bunch of attention lately because of their new album and it’s pissing me off. Both Lithium and Alt Nation are all about them right now. Grr. (They are currently my second most hated band – behind TMBG. I def won’t be using any of my free vouchers to go see them. Ha!)

I’ve been pretty stressed recently. There is so much going on, so much to do, so little time. My life is about to drastically change. I need to take a deep breathe, let go of the tension, and just enjoy the ride.