my mind feels heavy

I have another terrible headache. I think I mentioned that previously. I feel awful. I’d like to just stay in bed all day, but we are supposed to be meeting N&N at four to celebrate Nancy’s birthday. I feel bad, because I am not at all enthused, and would love to bail. Can’t do it tho – because it’s just the four of us, and I can’t ruin her birthday celebration. Suck it the fuck up, buttercup.

I’m in a weird place with my relationships right now. I love my friends, and am so grateful for them, but interactions feel draining. There are only a few with whom I feel totally comfortable anymore, and like I don’t have to put on a happy face. It’s just a phase, I know hope.

Do we even have kids anymore? There is very little difference anymore as to when they are here and when they aren’t. They are growing up, and don’t need us much anymore. They do like to come down and hang with us while we make dinner, especially Freya. They love to listen to D and I talk/our banter & gossip. They think we’re fun – this is their word, not mine, and they tell us often that they enjoy their time at our house the most, which I’m slightly ashamed to say gives me a small thrill each time I hear it. It’s not a competition, of course, but divorced parenting can be difficult, especially since we can never truly know what’s going on in that part of their lives when they aren’t here, and it’s good to know they do love being here with us.

I really think it boils down to something quite basic: we have a more traditional family dynamic here, which their other homes lack, and given their ages now, I don’t think it will be the same if/when that changes. We’ve all been together since Frey was 6 and Jack was 2. That makes a huge difference. They don’t remember their lives before this.

I went down a rabbit hole over the past few days, reading the Breast Cancer Foundation forums. I’ve been reading up on my particular type of cancer, which is a rarer type, and more difficult to hunt down and treat: invasive lobular carcinoma (ILC). ILC likes to move to weird places, like the stomach, and the linings of various organs. It’s difficult to see on scans, including PET, and now I’m convinced my condition is worse than the docs believe, because they can’t see it. I’m considering a consult with the nation’s leading ILC expert, who is at U-PENN. I’d like a second opinion.

It’s time to take charge of my health, like for real this time. I’m not just talking about exercise and nutrition. I mean researching and getting second (and third) opinions and just really digging into my care. Metastatic breast cancer is like a full time job. It’s tough managing this and my law practice. I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers. I find myself craving silence and solitude.

My to-do list grows ever longer.

I suppose I should go shower and start the long process of making myself presentable for our friends.

I’m not unhappy. I’m really not. Just extremely fucking exhausted – in all senses.

It’s hard to read tone. I’m grateful for each day. Never forget.

You’re very pretty.

This is going to come off as conceited and braggy, but I promise that’s not my intent.

After our outing to Petrichor (our neighborhood brewery), we went to the grocery store to pick up stuff for dinner. While in the parking lot, a random lady said to me, “You’re very pretty.”

I thanked her and moved on. Meanwhile, my husband was like: wtf…did that just happen?? That’s weird!

And I was like: I’ve told you a hundred times that this shit happens to me a lot.

And he was like: yes, but it’s weird to actually experience it.

My thoughts:

1. I’m glad he saw it happen. I’m not making this shit up. I feel validated.

2. It’s so awkward. I finally learned to say thank you and move on. I’ve never been great at taking a compliment, but I’ve learned over the years.

3. No matter how many random people tell me that I’m pretty, I don’t believe them.

4. Except…I very recently, at the age of 40, thought to myself: I think I might be sort of attractive.

5. And then I immediately felt like an asshole.

6. Why does it feel wrong to feel good about ourselves? Why do I have to be plagued by bad self esteem?

It’s something to think about. Why shouldn’t I feel good about receiving a compliment?

I feel weird about posting this, but I’m going to do it anyway, because it’s in my head.

sunday morning musings from the bed

It’s almost 10 am and I’m still in bed. I should get up soon and do something productive, but just a few more minutes please.

Bismarck has slept in our bedroom for the last three nights – either under the bed or under the chair. He has been quiet and well behaved. He only comes over to see me once he sees that I’m awake. I think this means we’re going to move his kennel into the basement, since we will only need to use it occasionally. This is excellent news, because it is currently occupying precious space in my study. Also, this is how we always imagined things going – him sleeping near us – so we are pleased.

I promised Freya we could go shopping today for school clothes. She wants to go to Target as well as the mall. She also wants us to watch a movie: Paranormal Activity 2, since we watched the first one yesterday. (Yay my little horror buddy is back!!) . But we also have another project to do today, so I’m not sure how everything is going to play out. It’s going to be a busy day. Plus, I haven’t touched any of the legal work yet. SIGH.

And how is it already Sunday? I need one more day please.

Waking up this morning to news of yet another mass shooting was very disheartening. What the fuck is wrong with our country that we can’t fix this? Why are gun owner’s rights more important than human lives? When will it end?

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

It’s August now. Frey starts school on Thursday. Jackson starts the week after. It’s still summer, of course, but I’m feeling those fall vibes sneaking in, and I can’t wait. October me, please.

Thursday is 8/8, which would have been my fifteenth wedding anniversary in the other timeline. Lol. It’s weird to think about. Apparently, D’s old wedding anniversary was yesterday. We have the luxury of forgetting, because of where we are now: happily married. But the reminders sneak in. It makes us feel a bit sad to worry that the others aren’t doing as well as we are post-divorce, but it’s been seven years, so what can you really do? Life goes on. I can’t dwell on that shit, because it’s not my shit to carry anymore. I’m not trying to be heartless, just pragmatic. It helps to lay those worries here. I do love that about blogging.

Even so..I can’t get it together to complete any of my photo or blog challenges. I’m just not interested. Maybe I’ve moved on from all that? I am starting to view the blog differently. It doesn’t really matter. It’s my space to do with what I will. Maybe I’ll do the prompts that speak to me and just ignore the rest? Yes, let’s try that.

I’m also finding less time to read with all the stuff I’m doing nowadays. I’m bummed, but not as much as you might think. I love reading, but I love living my life to the fullest too, and that means pulling my nose out of the books from time to time.

As much as it kind of sucks to actually do it, the exercise has been fantastic for my mental health. Also, this new app I’m using (Lose It) has made calorie tracking a breeze. I don’t really feel deprived at all, unlike with Weight Watchers. If I want something then I eat it, log it, and check to see what I can do to even things out with exercise or cutting back somewhere else. So far, so good.

Okay…it’s 10:16 and I really must get this day going. Happy Sunday to anyone who may be reading this. May the odds be ever in your favor. 💜

just do it already

I want to buy a bike. I feel like bike riding could be my new thing, since my knees are too fucked to run much anymore. Why not set my self up for success?

I’ve also decided I want to be bolder with some of my fashion choices. Get outside of the box I’ve put myself in. I always see stuff I love on other people, but think: no, that’s not okay for me. And I’ve got to stop limiting myself in that way.


Sleeveless tops and dresses: I think my arms look weird and awful, but that’s silly.

Two piece swimwear. Yes, you have a mom bod. Get the fuck over it. Your husband wants to see you half naked at the pool. You should own it.

Dangling earrings and hoops: I always think they look weird on me, but then I recently said fuck it, tried some that were way outside my comfort zone, and you know what…loved it!

Jumpsuits! Now hear me out…I think I’m going to buy something like this. Maybe even this exact one. It’s cute, right?

Because you know what?? I’m (essentially) 40 years old and I can and should be wearing whatever the fuck I want.

Take a deep breath and live a little, bitch. Let the haters hate. You’re gonna be living your best life. 🤷🏻‍♀️💯

bullets from the bed

  • D has a meeting this morning, so I get to be lazy until lunchtime. No complaints.
  • We’re on eastern time here. And then we’re springing forward this weekend – so my sense of time should be all nice and fucked up by the time I get back home on Monday.
  • Yesterday…I struggle with what to say about it here. I guess I’ll leave it at this: it felt like a bomb was thrown in our laps, and now we have to figure out how to fix the damage, and hopefully prevent future bombings. I feel sad, clueless, foolish, angry…so many different emotions. I hurt for so many different people right now. All in different ways. My job is to provide support. So that’s what I’m going to do. Support and love. Always and forever. I may talk about this in more detail at some point, because I think it’s an important topic. But for now, I need to protect privacy, as well as sort through my thoughts and feelings. But I’m sad. Very sad.
  • I’m learning as I go. Parenting is hard. You don’t know if you’re fucking it up until it’s too late.
  • I’m afraid to get too excited and/or potentially jinx it (I’m that person lol), but I’m thinking that the Xeljanz may be starting to work. Of course, it could just be a coincidence. All I know is that my knee was super swollen and painful yesterday, but it’s significantly improved this morning. I don’t normally make such quick recoveries. I’m cautiously optimistic. Today will make dose three, and so far the side effects have been very manageable. My body has responded favorably to these biological drugs in the past, so…fingers crossed.
  • I started Daisy Jones & The Six on the plane and it’s great so far.
  • As the plane landed last night, I realized that I’m always a bit surprised when I’ve made it without crashing. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my fear of flying here. It used to be almost debilitating. I remember back in the early 2000s when I would lie awake at night, weeks before my actual flight, obsessing over it. Crying even. There were places I didn’t go because of it…trips I didn’t take. Therapy and meds helped. I can do it now, but I still don’t like it. I’m dreading having to fly back alone on Monday morning. Ultimately, however, you’ve gotta seize the day, because life is short. Cancer helped me realize that. So while I don’t like flying, I do like traveling, and so I get it done.
  • Today should be fun. Our hotel is right in the middle of all the fun stuff in downtown Cleveland. We’re meeting up with our friends tonight. I’m excited.

Happy Friday! Be gentle with yourself. Enjoy the weekend. xoxo

Notes from my head right now. 12:52 am


Don’t Google that because then you’ll start obsessing.

I hope these steroids don’t cause insomnia.

We were talking about what we would do if D had a vagina for 24 hours. That was fun.

Weird transition here, but: For the record, D’s parents suck.

I like my sister-in-law, though. The brother’s wife. Not the crazy sister.

It’s a whole thing right now. Family, man. And tweens. Sigh. Though, as I pointed out to D earlier, F likes to ask questions she already knows the answers to just to see what info she can get. She does it all the time. It drives me crazy sometimes, but in this case I think it’s actually a good thing. Being curious is normal. I think she just wants to talk about it, not act on it.

Intoxicated epiphanies.

None of that will likely make sense to you, but it does to me, and D says I have a wisdom of 19, so…😋

D’s weird aunt used to read my blog. I lost her with the last blog name change, thankfully. That how’s I ghosted my ex-MIL, too.

You know what’s crazy: people who spazz out so hard that even their writing is spazzy.

Oh shit…am I doing that thing where I’m talking shit about someone else, while I’m doing the same thing I’m bitching about? Mind fuckery.

D was obsessing over whether he’s enjoying his vacation enough, and that is Dave 101 right there.

I had him watch A Simple Favor, which he enjoyed, and called “a Jenn movie.” He said it was a compliment.

I think we’re finally going to see Mary Queen of Scots this weekend.

I won 2 out of 3 Yahtzee games tonight.

We were really missing the kids earlier. Still do, but I’m feeling less melancholy about it. It helps that we get all wrapped up in each other during these non-custody periods.

I should definitely be asleep right now.

I don’t remember why I started this post.

I wonder if I’ll delete this later.

expert status

Subjects upon which I am apparently considered to be an expert –

  1. Consumer bankruptcy.
  2. Traffic law: particularly helping friends and family get out of their speeding tickets. lol.
  3. Having cancer.
  4. Weed.

In just the last 48 hours, I have talked at length to various individuals on each of the above referenced topics.

my mood today

It took all the willpower I possess to not stop at the three Dunkin Donuts I passed on the way into the office today. The struggle was fucking real.

Thoughts I’ve had already this morning:

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. And you, too. Especially you. I fucking hate you. I’ve never liked you and I’m tired of pretending like I do.

Imma cut a bitch.

I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and if you don’t like it then you can choke on a fucking dick, you fucking fuck.

I wish a motherfucker would.

Then I thought to myself, Jenn, why are you in such a bad mood? Then I went to the bathroom and discovered why:

I’m having my first full blown period in four fucking years. It still sucks just as much as I remembered.

Fuuuuuuuuuck. I miss my Mirena.


in my head

  • Busy week ahead. I feel slightly anxious.
  • I really need to pick up my new anxiety meds from Walgreens. Tomorrow.
  • I have plans with friends Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. I’m going to be exhausted by Sunday, but it will be worth it.
  • I’m not feeling well today. I caught D’s cold.
  • As of right now, I’ve read 3 1/2 books this year. My goal is 100.
  • D&D got off to a rocky start Saturday night, but ended up being awesome.
  • The Handmaid’s Tale will premiere on Hulu on April 26th. I’m ridic excited.
  • I’m also excited about: Girls, GoT, House of Cards, and Better Call Saul.
  • I just ordered several books of poetry from Amazon. Pablo Neruda. *sigh*
  • My favorite LLR leggings have a giant hole in the ass. I’m not amused.
  • I can’t stop listening to Angel by DMB for some reason.
  • On the wedding front: next steps are the guest list and ordering save the date cards.
  • We have a humidifier in our room that we use at night. It makes weird noises sometimes that cause me to wake up thinking someone is speaking to me and I freak out. Of course, sometimes someone is actually speaking to me: Freya. Either because of her insomnia or because she is sleepwalking.
  • You know what’s awesome? Dear Mr. You by Mary Louise Parker. You should read it.
  • I’ve decided I want these for my wedding bouquet. How cool are those?!  They’ll last forever. I already know where I plan to display them. I’m going to get a bouquet for Frey too.
  • My pal, Kara, is coming to visit from Colorado in a couple of weeks. So excited! I have to show her all the best of STL in one weekend. I have some planning to do.
  • Oh and we are going to see The Lumineers while she’s here!
  • I feel sort of terrible so I guess I should cuddle up and read some more until I pass out.