3:51 am

If only I could sleep through the night. Sigh.

I’m anxious about the big docket this morning. Starts at 9. Should be over in like an hour. The plan is to then spend the afternoon at a winery with D, and the evening with my gf. How delightful.

After school drop-off later this morning, we will be gloriously kid-free until Tuesday afternoon. We need this. Our plans are still up in the air, but we have a swinger date on Friday night, so that should be fun. (Kind of a blast from the past too, but more on that later). I’ve also been promised dinner at my favorite French bistro that has the most incredible onion soup E•V•E•R.

I took two doses of oxy in the past 24 hours, and now my body is itchy. I hate that I have this reaction to narcotics, but fuck I sure do feel a lot better otherwise.

I feel like a terrible friend. I have so many people I’ve been neglecting. I need to set up dinner dates with the besties. At least I’ll get to see Annie on Thursday afternoon while we’re getting our hair done. Woo.

I’m only blogging because I’m bored, and I don’t feel like reading. I have to be up for the day in just 2 1/2 hours. I’ve been awake for an hour already. This nonsense needs to stop, but I think this is just my life now tbh. I remember my grandmother seemingly always being awake, and I’m feeling like that more and more.

Things coming up in the next month-ish:

  • Swinger date(s)
  • Tree climbing adventure with Karen (yes, I’m hanging with Freya’s mom again. We’re friends now)
  • Vintage market days
  • Freya’s homecoming!
  • Various friend dates
  • Road trip to Cleveland to visit L&L
  • St. Vincent!!
  • Hopefully the book swap party – I need to get an evite out asap.

Oh and it’s September now, which, in my mind, means it’s the first day of autumn. Lol. Gonna start decorating, and planning the Halloween party.

Okay so I’m actually extremely fucking tired, so let’s see if my dumb ass brain will actually allow more sleep.


I’m too excited to sleep…

And also weirdly nervous for some reason. I think I have really high expectations for this trip, because I keep thinking it might be the last big trip with the kids, and that’s causing anxiety. I just want it to be a lovely memory for them.

It’s amazing how little I sleep nowadays. I sleep more during the day than I do at night, so my family thinks I sleep a lot, but I really don’t. I can’t even blame it completely on the cancer. I’ve always been a shitty sleeper, and it got way worse after menopause.

It’s storming right now, and I love it.

It’s 1:52 am for the record, and I am wide awake. Can’t get comfortable either. These fake tits are terribly uncomfortable. And I can’t sleep on my left side due to lack of lymph nodes/lymphedema risk. So I toss and turn all night.

I feel like I’m forgetting something. I have all the lists going, but I still can’t clear my head.

I guess I’ll try this sleeping thing again. But first, memes:

Oh and yesterday’s selfie:

I guess I can always sleep in the car, right?

226 in the am

I’m super horny, like thinking about waking my husband up and fucking his brains out.

Also super hungry tho, so I’m going to need pancakes after. Is IHOP open during these trying times?

Woo. I wonder if this is what it feels like to do coke or meth. I feel a bit cray.

Go the fuck to sleep, Jenn

3:47 am

I wish I could sleep. I can feel the anxiety in my body. I hate this.

Some good news:

I got our DMB Warehouse ticket requests back yesterday, and we were approved for a premium package for night 1 of Deer Creek. This means we should be pretty damn close to the stage, which is very exciting. We got lawn for night 2, which is weird because I’m certain I opted out of lawn consideration (seriously fuck the lawn). So on Friday I will shop the public sale and try to get night 2 seats. They don’t need to be good seats, just seats.


I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe me something that will knock my ass out. I can’t do this up all night bullshit and still function. They can’t drop this news on me, tell me I have to wait five days for answers, and expect me to not be affected by it.


So, later today, I have a trial setting in jeffco because the dumb ass prosecutor down there is incompetent. This is such a waste of time, and I can’t promise I’m not going to get into it with her. She’s been dicking me around on this for like six months, mostly because she’s new and is clueless.

I’m supposed to see my pcp today for a follow up, but I doubt I make it because of the fucking trial nonsense.


At what point should I just get up?

dreams so real

Trazadone has been giving me those super vivid dreams that you only get on (certain) drugs. I’ve also had waking dreams with it.


The first night I had a dream that I was making out with a very hot lady. We got onto the bed and started to undress, when she suddenly pulled out a dick. I was surprised, but into it, and started to go downtown. Then I discovered that the dick was covered in a light fur, and that maybe she was actually some kind of werewolf or something. I was strangely into it.

A couple of nights ago, I *think* I was still awake (though I guess I probably wasn’t), and I saw and heard a kitten on the floor next to my bed. I hurredly turned on the bedside lamp and jumped out of bed, just to realize that I was alone in the room. That one sort of freaked me out.

This is just the 50 mg dose. Freya takes this med too, and I asked her if she has vivid/strange dreams now, but she said she doesn’t.

I used to have similar experiences on Ambien – though Ambien was way crazier. I used to full on hallucinate on Ambien. Ah…those were the days. lol

a weird feeling

When you notice that you have “liked” and even commented on various social media posts, but you have no recollection of doing so, because it likely occurred while you were fucked up on Benadryl and unable to get to sleep.

At least I didn’t say anything inappropriate. Ha.

430 am

Can’t sleep. Dislike.

I have a full day ahead of me. Bridesmaid duties. My bestie is getting married in October. Today the girls are going to brunch and then picking out dresses. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. This is not the sort of thing I’m good at.

I cried and talked it out yesterday. I’m feeling better for now. D grabbed my hand at one point and said, “So we won’t have another kid, but I promise you I’m going to give you the best life ever.” He’s a keeper. Yes, indeed.

Yesterday, we went outside into the backyard and played fetch with B. Then we went on a long walk. It felt good to be outside. The weather was lovely.

It also felt good to be out last night. We haven’t had a just us weekend in a while. I treasure these weekends. We were originally supposed to go out with friends, but the female half of the couple was hurt earlier this week when she was hit by a dude fleeing from the police in a stolen car. People are such pieces of shit. I’m so relieved she’s not seriously hurt.

I should try to get more sleep, I suppose.