I’m too excited to sleep…

And also weirdly nervous for some reason. I think I have really high expectations for this trip, because I keep thinking it might be the last big trip with the kids, and that’s causing anxiety. I just want it to be a lovely memory for them.

It’s amazing how little I sleep nowadays. I sleep more during the day than I do at night, so my family thinks I sleep a lot, but I really don’t. I can’t even blame it completely on the cancer. I’ve always been a shitty sleeper, and it got way worse after menopause.

It’s storming right now, and I love it.

It’s 1:52 am for the record, and I am wide awake. Can’t get comfortable either. These fake tits are terribly uncomfortable. And I can’t sleep on my left side due to lack of lymph nodes/lymphedema risk. So I toss and turn all night.

I feel like I’m forgetting something. I have all the lists going, but I still can’t clear my head.

I guess I’ll try this sleeping thing again. But first, memes:

Oh and yesterday’s selfie:

I guess I can always sleep in the car, right?

Insomnia

Who’s awake with me

As the witching hour ends

When the bugs have stopped talking

But the birds haven’t started yet

Lying in the dark

While the fan whirs

And my husband breathes beside me

It’s too hot with the blanket

Too exposed without

Naked and afraid

So close, yet so alone

I wait for oblivion

In the middle of the night

It’s 3:24 am. Insomnia strikes again.

It’s Monday, I guess. Boo to that. It’s treatment day, too. Meh. I have anxiety over seeing my tumor markers.

I had a really good, though very busy, weekend. All the socializing really wore me out. It was totally worth it though. I especially enjoyed my lunch with A. She is such a fucking delight.

Yesterday was Metamour Day, and I made sure mine were feeling the love. I’m so happy to have them in my life.

I don’t know what to think about certain relationships. I just continue to ride the rollercoaster. I’m trying to not have expectations. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Been there, done that.

It’s March! How did that happen? This will be a good month. We have a lot of fun stuff planned already. Also – I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday. I’m excited to get that behind me.

Every day feels the same, but I really can’t complain. I’m happy. I’m loved. I’m lucky.

Pics from yesterday:

♥️♥️♥️

5:34 am

My insomnia has gotten really bad recently. I feel like I’m always awake. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about adjusting my sleep meds.

I was thinking about poly stuff earlier. A couple of months ago, I thought I was hitting it off with someone, and then he pulled away. Not gonna lie, it stung a bit. But it got me thinking about what I want, and got me to message MP. Things with him are really great, and I’m so glad I reached out to him. I have a big time crush.

You know who else I’m crushing really hard on? My husband. We have always had an amazing relationship, but we have leveled up recently. I feel closer to him than ever, and we are meeting each other’s emotional needs on a deeper level. I feel loved and cherished by him. So secure. It’s wonderful. I love him so much.

I think this is going to be a good year.

4:35 am

It’s stupid early, and I’m awake, because of course I am.

I have a lot on my mind. Good and bad.

– the usual work shit. Blah blah blah boring.

– a recent argument with a friend.

– scanxiety: I’m getting scans on Friday afternoon because we fear my treatment is failing. Results on Monday morning. I’m trying to keep busy and not go there.

– self-loathing over the poor decisions that have led to my current physical condition.

– resolve to address that shit and seize control over my life/destiny. This is the time of year I always get on my self-improvement kick. I know it is cliché, but the beginning of a new year really does feel like the chance to start fresh.

– relief about some resolutions this week: T got her severance on Tuesday, and has started her new job. My former business partner is meeting with DG on Friday afternoon to sign his settlement agreement and pick up a fairly large check. At that point, the old B&A law firm issues will essentially be resolved, and I can officially dissolve the entity. It feels like a weight has been lifted.

– but the real reason I can’t sleep is because I’m super fucking excited about my date tonight. ♥️

I can’t sleep

I feel very anxious. I should probably take a Xanax, but it’s 5:41 am and I think that will make me sleep too late at this point.

I’m going into the office again today. I have more stuff to bring home. We also have a few more things to pack up. The ladies are holding up well so far, but I think there will be some tears today. Monday is moving day. K is coming with me (at least for a few months) but T is not, and I’m going to miss her like crazy.

DG finally told his staff about the merger, and apparently they seem excited about it. He doesn’t really seem to trust that/them though. I have a lot of work ahead trying to fix some issues with the employees, and the overall management of the firm, but I’m optimistic about it. I’ve worked with two of the ladies years ago at another firm, and I think that will help. I’ve decided to let go of any preconceived notions and start with a clean slate.

I really do think this move will be good for me. I feel more energized about my career than I have in a long time. Still – there is sadness. And anxiety too, because everything is complete chaos right now. I can’t sleep because my brain is scrolling non-stop through the seemingly endless to-do list. Sigh.