5:34 am

My insomnia has gotten really bad recently. I feel like I’m always awake. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about adjusting my sleep meds.

I was thinking about poly stuff earlier. A couple of months ago, I thought I was hitting it off with someone, and then he pulled away. Not gonna lie, it stung a bit. But it got me thinking about what I want, and got me to message MP. Things with him are really great, and I’m so glad I reached out to him. I have a big time crush.

You know who else I’m crushing really hard on? My husband. We have always had an amazing relationship, but we have leveled up recently. I feel closer to him than ever, and we are meeting each other’s emotional needs on a deeper level. I feel loved and cherished by him. So secure. It’s wonderful. I love him so much.

I think this is going to be a good year.

4:35 am

It’s stupid early, and I’m awake, because of course I am.

I have a lot on my mind. Good and bad.

– the usual work shit. Blah blah blah boring.

– a recent argument with a friend.

– scanxiety: I’m getting scans on Friday afternoon because we fear my treatment is failing. Results on Monday morning. I’m trying to keep busy and not go there.

– self-loathing over the poor decisions that have led to my current physical condition.

– resolve to address that shit and seize control over my life/destiny. This is the time of year I always get on my self-improvement kick. I know it is cliché, but the beginning of a new year really does feel like the chance to start fresh.

– relief about some resolutions this week: T got her severance on Tuesday, and has started her new job. My former business partner is meeting with DG on Friday afternoon to sign his settlement agreement and pick up a fairly large check. At that point, the old B&A law firm issues will essentially be resolved, and I can officially dissolve the entity. It feels like a weight has been lifted.

– but the real reason I can’t sleep is because I’m super fucking excited about my date tonight. ♥️

I can’t sleep

I feel very anxious. I should probably take a Xanax, but it’s 5:41 am and I think that will make me sleep too late at this point.

I’m going into the office again today. I have more stuff to bring home. We also have a few more things to pack up. The ladies are holding up well so far, but I think there will be some tears today. Monday is moving day. K is coming with me (at least for a few months) but T is not, and I’m going to miss her like crazy.

DG finally told his staff about the merger, and apparently they seem excited about it. He doesn’t really seem to trust that/them though. I have a lot of work ahead trying to fix some issues with the employees, and the overall management of the firm, but I’m optimistic about it. I’ve worked with two of the ladies years ago at another firm, and I think that will help. I’ve decided to let go of any preconceived notions and start with a clean slate.

I really do think this move will be good for me. I feel more energized about my career than I have in a long time. Still – there is sadness. And anxiety too, because everything is complete chaos right now. I can’t sleep because my brain is scrolling non-stop through the seemingly endless to-do list. Sigh.

3:47 am

I wish I could sleep. I can feel the anxiety in my body. I hate this.

Some good news:

I got our DMB Warehouse ticket requests back yesterday, and we were approved for a premium package for night 1 of Deer Creek. This means we should be pretty damn close to the stage, which is very exciting. We got lawn for night 2, which is weird because I’m certain I opted out of lawn consideration (seriously fuck the lawn). So on Friday I will shop the public sale and try to get night 2 seats. They don’t need to be good seats, just seats.

***

I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe me something that will knock my ass out. I can’t do this up all night bullshit and still function. They can’t drop this news on me, tell me I have to wait five days for answers, and expect me to not be affected by it.

***

So, later today, I have a trial setting in jeffco because the dumb ass prosecutor down there is incompetent. This is such a waste of time, and I can’t promise I’m not going to get into it with her. She’s been dicking me around on this for like six months, mostly because she’s new and is clueless.

I’m supposed to see my pcp today for a follow up, but I doubt I make it because of the fucking trial nonsense.

***

At what point should I just get up?