3:47 am

I wish I could sleep. I can feel the anxiety in my body. I hate this.

Some good news:

I got our DMB Warehouse ticket requests back yesterday, and we were approved for a premium package for night 1 of Deer Creek. This means we should be pretty damn close to the stage, which is very exciting. We got lawn for night 2, which is weird because I’m certain I opted out of lawn consideration (seriously fuck the lawn). So on Friday I will shop the public sale and try to get night 2 seats. They don’t need to be good seats, just seats.

***

I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe me something that will knock my ass out. I can’t do this up all night bullshit and still function. They can’t drop this news on me, tell me I have to wait five days for answers, and expect me to not be affected by it.

***

So, later today, I have a trial setting in jeffco because the dumb ass prosecutor down there is incompetent. This is such a waste of time, and I can’t promise I’m not going to get into it with her. She’s been dicking me around on this for like six months, mostly because she’s new and is clueless.

I’m supposed to see my pcp today for a follow up, but I doubt I make it because of the fucking trial nonsense.

***

At what point should I just get up?

dreams so real

Trazadone has been giving me those super vivid dreams that you only get on (certain) drugs. I’ve also had waking dreams with it.

Examples:

The first night I had a dream that I was making out with a very hot lady. We got onto the bed and started to undress, when she suddenly pulled out a dick. I was surprised, but into it, and started to go downtown. Then I discovered that the dick was covered in a light fur, and that maybe she was actually some kind of werewolf or something. I was strangely into it.

A couple of nights ago, I *think* I was still awake (though I guess I probably wasn’t), and I saw and heard a kitten on the floor next to my bed. I hurredly turned on the bedside lamp and jumped out of bed, just to realize that I was alone in the room. That one sort of freaked me out.

This is just the 50 mg dose. Freya takes this med too, and I asked her if she has vivid/strange dreams now, but she said she doesn’t.

I used to have similar experiences on Ambien – though Ambien was way crazier. I used to full on hallucinate on Ambien. Ah…those were the days. lol

Monday: just not feeling it.

I’m still rocking eye makeup from Saturday night. I have zero fucks to give today. Oh but I did manage to fix my favorite brooch, which I’m wearing today. That, at least, brings me a small bit of joy.

Today I have three courts to go to. Tomorrow I have three courts to go to. Online inquiries are ramping up. Busy season looms large, and I just want to stay in bed instead, please and thank you.

I’m glad I’m meeting my new primary care doc on the 21st. I have to get some relief for my raging anxiety and insomnia. Last night, my heart was racing for hours and I felt like I was going to die.