cheers to the demons who’ve been with me all evening…

I’m feeling very angst-y today. I think the cause is mostly hormones, mixed in with a low grade chemical depression. I was talking to D about various things earlier and started just started crying out of the blue. As I was doing it, I was like wtf is even happening right now? So yeah that’s fun and all, but I have to move past it because we are having friends over in a bit. They’re going to play D&D with us and the kids. Should be fun. To ensure it is, I have a bottle of cab I’m about to open. It’s the little things sometimes, ya know? Anyway, the point of this post is that nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time, no matter how things may appear on social media. I think it would do everyone (including me) good to remember that.

xoxo

gotta blog it out

  • I’m sad and disappointed. I have today to figure out what I’m going to say to my kids tonight about this…about why half of our country supports hate. My son thinks Trump is a literal monster, so I need to defuse that situation. I need them to feel safe and loved.
  • I never want to hear again that women and men are on the same playing field. Not even fucking close. Misogyny is alive and thriving in this nation of ours. Being a bigoted, racist, sexual predator is preferable to being female. That much is clear. Thanks for letting me know where I stand, guys.
  • Congratulations, white people. We did this. I hope you’re happy.
  • D and I have been up most of the night. We are both bummed and a bit shocked. So we have decided to stay home today and have a nice day together.
  • As bummed as I am, I’ve gotta say there are some real gems on social media today.
  • Oh and stop saying you’re moving to Canada. Canada doesn’t want your ass. STOP. Stay here and help clean up the fucking mess. We have four years to get shit done and then vote this motherfucker out.
  • I still believe love trumps hate.
  • For what it’s worth, I do very much hope that Trump surprises us all and is a good (or at least not a horrible) president.
  • Peace out. I’m going to go hang with my man.

i choose the happy, please

Working on only 3 1/2 hours of sleep, continuing health problems, and dealing with other people’s incompetence has made me a bit grumpy today. I’m out of sorts. This was starting to really bring me down, but then it occurred to me that only I can control my mood. I can make a choice to be grumpy all night or I can make the best of things and salvage my day. I choose the latter.

Things to look forward to later:

  • training session
  • date night with D
  • glorious sleep

the way things are

I’ve posted the lyrics to this song before, but, unfortunately, it once again feels very appropriate.

There is nothing that competes with habit
And I know it’s neither deep nor tragic
But simply that you have to have it

So you can make a killing
So you can make a killing
So you can make a killing

I wish I was both young and stupid
Then I too could have the fun that you did
Till it was time to pony up what you bid

So you can make a killing
So you can make a killing
So you can make a killing

I could follow you and search the rubble
Or stay right here and save myself some trouble
I try to keep myself from seeing double

Or I could make a killing
Or I could make a killing
Or I could make a killing

i came in like a wrecking ball

or Monday did anyway.

I shouldn’t have weighed myself this morning. That’s always a bad idea. Ugh.

I have issues. I get it. Let’s move on.

I have a Xanax hangover today because Sunday night anxiety was eating at me and then I received a message from a dear friend who is dying because of fucking cancer and I just fucking cant. I finally wrote him a goodbye message (which I had been putting off because then this is real) and it killed a tiny part of my heart. Fuck cancer. Fuck it so fucking hard. 

I can’t deal with that right now.  And that makes me feel like shit because he doesn’t get to not deal with it. His family doesn’t get to not deal with it. 

I’m angry. 

My face is all red and swollen from much crying last night. My head hurts. 

But seriously, thankful as fuck for Xanax. 

I have deadlines to meet today and I’m not fucking feeling it. Not even a little bit.

Yay Monday. 

But at the same time, I’m thankful as fuck to have woken up today healthy, happy (in a general sense), and loved. You have to make every day count. 

how i wish you were here

I’m really missing my grandmother today. I’d give anything to sit at her kitchen table just one more time.

She used to always say to me, “Jenny, you are beautiful, and smart, and you are going places.”  She’s the only one who got to call me Jenny.

She would be able to help me with the needlepoint project I’m currently fucking up.

She used to say things like, “Once a task has first begun, never leave it till it’s done. Be the matter great or small, do it well or not at all.”  She told me that over and over again, and it stuck. It really did.  I think about that a lot when things get hard.

She was like a mother to me. I miss her everyday.

*sigh*

This chick I used to be good friends with, but with whom I had a falling out like ten years ago, mailed me a bunch of pictures of mine that she’s had all this time. I’m talking hundreds of pics. They arrived in a huge box. (She had these pics because she was working on a project for me that just never came together.) Anyway, the photos arrived at my office this morning and I quickly went through them. These are four of my favorites. 

There are so many pictures of my brother. And my biological dad. My grandparents. These pics are priceless. I’m so happy to finally have them back.

I cried, of course. I’ll look at them some more this weekend, probably accompanied by a bottle of wine, but for now I have to get it together and go to court.