I’ve been trying to stay off the internet, because the internet is dark and full of terrors. Seriously…I fucking can’t with people right now. It has been easy to do today because I was absolutely slammed at work.
The blog doesn’t count. The blog is exempt.
Seriously though, Facebook is a pile of shit and I’m back to wanting to just deactivate my account. I’m tired of learning seriously alarming and disappointing things about people I like and/or love. I mean, I guess it’s better that I know, but still. It’s all very disheartening.
Oh and I can’t even with how everyone is suddenly an expert on the First Amendment. *epic eye roll* Read Brandenburg v Ohio and get back to me, please.
And listen…I get that it is so much worse for minorities and that they have been living with this ridiculous, disgusting bullshit fucking forever now. I get to have my feelings, though, and this is my space to express them. That should go without saying, but, ya know…motherfucking people are going to people. (That’s my new version of haters gonna hate, btw.)
There are like maybe 20 people I don’t absolutely loathe interacting with at this point.
The internet says I’m too young (at not quite 38) to be having a mid-life crisis. But I say fuck the internet. The internet doesn’t know me. It’s very Jenn to be ahead of the curve. I like to be a trendsetter. (hahahahaha).
So…I have been reading articles about the female mid-life crisis and I have found most of them to be helpful. This one in particular I liked, and I’m going to write about it below to help me get a better grasp on some of the things that have been bothering me.
13 Signs You’re Having A Mid-Life Crisis
- You’re asking yourself some deep, probing questions. Yes. Am I happy with where I am in life? What can I do to be a better person? A more successful person? A fitter person? Am I a good mother? Step-mother? Am I a good wife? The silver lining, I suppose, is that I’m actually making an effort to answer these questions. I think in the end this will make me a better person.
- You’re making rash decisions. Yes. Do you like my new car? My new pixie cut? Lol.
- You feel as if you’re slowly losing your mind. Oh yes, very much this. I can’t keep track of things or remember things from minute to minute. It’s frustrating as fuck. My patience is running very thin nowadays as well.
- Sleeping through the night has become a thing of the past. Yep. No more sleep for me. I’m grateful if I manage four to five hours a night.
- Your vision of the future is pretty dismal. I’m on the fence with this one. In some regards, yes. But on the flip side, I see glitter, kittens, and rainbows when I think about my future with D.
- You feel like life is one big pile of blah. I dread the routine. I hate the routine. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Things that used to interest me: reading, shopping, fashion, running…are all very meh right now. Additionally, I sort of hate my job/career. I want to hide under a pile of blankets and just sleep through it all.
- You’re walking around with an overwhelming sense of loss. It’s more accurate to say I’m walking around with a low grade depression.
- You have become overly concerned about your appearance. Oh yes. 100 times this. I’m obsessed with my appearance and find it lacking in every way. I can buy all the expensive skin care products and make-up in the world, but it can’t change what I hate about my face, which is everything. I’d be better off putting on a ski mask and calling it a day.
- …Or you throw in the towel when it comes to your looks. Not even close. I almost wish I would, honestly. Life would be so much simpler. Though I will say my general malaise combined with various physical ailments has made it more difficult for me to control things like my weight, which feels like giving up, and is adding to my depression.
- You rarely (if ever) have interest in sex. NOPE. If anything, I want more sex than I get. My sex drive is at an all time high. The real mind fuck is when you want all the sex, but you also think you are so repulsive that nobody in their right mind would every want to have sex with you.
- You think of yourself as an old person. Yep. I find myself listening to more old music than new. I find it harder to get shit done physically. I see my body changing in ways I don’t like due to metabolism changes, hormonal changes, and wrinkles. It’s rough.
- You feel as if your best days are behind you. I refuse to allow this to be the case. I’m going to go down fighting. But I’d be lying if I don’t worry about it from time to time. Especially when it comes to my career. Part of why I want to open these new office locations is because I need something to look forward to professionally. I feel like I’m in a rut and I just can’t imagine being in this same situation 10+ years down the road.
- You assume that every bad day means you’re in the throes of a midlife crisis. Haha. This is so me. I have a bad day or even a bad morning/afternoon and I become convinced that my entire life is spiraling out of control. This comes with being dramatic as fuck. The good news is that reading this article, thinking it through, coming up with a plan of action, and talking/writing out my feelings makes a really big difference. All is not fucked. I know this in my heart. Sometimes you’ve just gotta feel your feelings though, ya know?
I’m feeling very angst-y today. I think the cause is mostly hormones, mixed in with a low grade chemical depression. I was talking to D about various things earlier and started just started crying out of the blue. As I was doing it, I was like wtf is even happening right now? So yeah that’s fun and all, but I have to move past it because we are having friends over in a bit. They’re going to play D&D with us and the kids. Should be fun. To ensure it is, I have a bottle of cab I’m about to open. It’s the little things sometimes, ya know? Anyway, the point of this post is that nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time, no matter how things may appear on social media. I think it would do everyone (including me) good to remember that.
Her mother was dead, but what could be worse than knowing your mother was alive somewhere but she wanted a man who hit her more than she wanted you?
The Mothers by Brit Bennett
I just gave Frey a copy of my favorite book from when I was her age: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. In fact, it could be my favorite book of all time. I still read it once every few years.
It’s a book every young girl should read at some point. Sort of a rite of passage. I hope she loves it as much as I do. ❤️
What she realized at this moment: her greatest fear – well, her greatest intellectual fear – was of being left behind emotionally. Of being the one caught in that terrible limbo of still being in love when the other person has already left the room.
Listen to Me by Hannah Pittard