test results

My tumor markers jumped up again – to the highest yet. I see my oncologist next Monday, but I already know this means she’s going to want to order a PET scan. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions. Even if this treatment is failing, I have gotten almost a year out of it, which is pretty good all things considered. Still – I’m anxious and a little down about it. Oh and then reading about Screech dying at 44 from lung cancer – that def didn’t help.

all the feels

I spent most of the morning crying. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. I let out all the emotions I’ve been holding in over the last four years. Now I have an emotional hangover. I ended up taking a long nap this afternoon. That helped.

President Biden. Vice President Harris. Oh excuse me, I mean Madam Vice President. Sounds amazing.

I was supposed to have court tonight, but it was rescheduled. So instead I’m sitting by the fire, enjoying some alone time.

My Zoom date last night was amazing. We had a special playlist, and special drinks – all in the dive bar theme. The mystery was Death At The Dive Bar. It was really cool; very detailed. It was a lot of fun, and the company was amazing. I think Tuesday night Zoom dates are going to be a thing until we can finally meet up in person. I think we are going to do the Blair Witch Hunt-A-Killer series next. !!!

Tonight, the husband and I will be drinking the fancy tequila and toasting the new administration. Ahhh – it feels so good to write that. We have a lot of healing to do as a nation, but I truly feel like we are in capable hands. Not just capable – but also loving, caring, and sincere.

xoxo

it’s almost over

I just sent a “wrapping things up” email to my staff, and I am profoundly sad right now.

The last line:

I love you both very much, and will forever be grateful to you for the amazing work you have done for me. Without you two, I never would have been able to make it this far. 

I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
This is the right decision.
This is the right decision.
This is the right decision.

not all days can be good days

I’m having a hard day mentally. I feel upset and confused about my future. I’m mourning what should have been, or at least the possibilities, and I’m uncertain where to go from here. How should I be spending my time? How do I live my best life given my current circumstances? I don’t have any good answers right now. I don’t know what to do. I am so afraid of making a decision that I will regret, that I find myself making no decisions at all. I’m just existing, and while that is okay short term, I know I cannot live in limbo for much longer.

I’ve made some mini goals for today (as of 11:41 am):
– Go shower and make myself look pretty (or as pretty as possible – I’m really down on my looks recently).
– check a few items off of my personal & work to-do lists: this will help me feel less worthless
– exercise tonight, which hopefully will mean running, but it’s okay if I have to walk part of it. Just get out there and get it done.

That’s it. It’s best not to overwhelm. My only other intentions for the day include spending time with my family, and doing some reading.