The new doc is very nice, and his nurse is amazing. I left there with a referral for a cancer psychologist (whom I think is free for Siteman patients), a referral for a new gyn who is a young breast cancer survivor that has cultivated a practice focused on the special needs of survivors, a referral to the LiveStrong program (which is also free!), and, unfortunately, a prescription for motherfucking Tamoxifen.

BUT…

They sat down with me for over an hour getting to know me and making sure I understood exactly why they want me to go back on Tamoxifen. I didn’t feel rushed…not even once. In fact, the doctor ignored three pages to finish his discussion with me. I broke down into tears at one point, and he said, “I don’t know how you feel obviously, but I understand why it’s happening, and we are ready to help you through it.” He told me about his wife, who is a three time survivor, and who struggles with similar problems. It was a lot, but also exactly what I needed.

I follow up in about five weeks.

When I left, they hugged me.

I’m feeling very emotional, but also like I’m exactly where I need to be. I feel cared for.

And now I’m at a bar near my husband’s office, waiting on him to join me. I don’t usually sit at bars alone, because men (lol), but so far so good. Sometimes a bitch just needs a beer. You feel me?

The main character in the book I’m reading is a breast cancer survivor, and also had her breasts and ovaries removed. It’s a side plot, so I wasn’t aware of it when I started the book. I love the story so far, but it has me a little in my feels.

Also…I’m expecting bad news at some point this weekend. Not about me, but about a friend.

But I’m trying to push all that out of my mind so I can just live in the moment.