Melancholic

Lots of tears today. I know what I need to do, but it’s so difficult to pull the trigger. It’s hard to watch everyone move forward with their dreams and goals, while I have to rewrite mine.

***

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself
All day, and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath, I say to myself
“I need fuel to take flight”

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl?
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil seas
But he washed me ashore
And he took my pearl
And left an empty
Shell of me

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion

Fiona Apple “Sullen Girl”

And also –

I want you, I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you, you said, “Young man, I do believe you’re dying”
I want you, if you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you, you can look in my eyes and you can count the ways

Just found out we won’t get to visit her due to covid restrictions, and now I’m super grateful for those ten hours.

We will have a better idea later today as to how long she’ll be staying.

I guess I should try to sleep, but I’m totally wired.

I’m just glad that she’s safe.

test results

My tumor markers jumped up again – to the highest yet. I see my oncologist next Monday, but I already know this means she’s going to want to order a PET scan. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions. Even if this treatment is failing, I have gotten almost a year out of it, which is pretty good all things considered. Still – I’m anxious and a little down about it. Oh and then reading about Screech dying at 44 from lung cancer – that def didn’t help.