brb crying

I am forever grateful for the friendship of this incredible man. He was my first true best friend. The first person who ever truly knew me. We met in the dorm my freshman year and hit it off almost immediately. He lives in Honolulu now with his fabulous husband. I miss him so very much, and I treasure his friendship more than I can adequately express.

This email was a beautiful gift. ❤️

The post he was referencing can be found here.

We will take Gracie to the vet on Wednesday afternoon so that she can leave us and rest in peace. My sweet baby girl.

I’m a fucking mess. I’m trying to hold it together for the kids.

I told the kids I needed to rest before dinner, but really I’ve been sobbing in my bathroom.

lost and found

I’ve started packing up some of the stuff in my office. I mean…we have to be out of here by September 1st, and even though we have no place to go as of yet, that doesn’t mean this shit doesn’t have to get packed up.

I dug into the beautiful antique cabinet that I rarely venture into. In fact, I think it has been at least two years since I last peeked inside. It held three decorative boxes filled with pictures, scraps of paper, mementos. Things mostly forgotten about that likely need to be purged.

I did come across two things that surprised me a bit.

  1. I found my ex-husband’s birth certificate. It was in a manilla envelope along with my own. I suppose I should give that back, huh? I have no doubt I took it from him long ago for safe keeping. I swear, that man would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.
  2. Even weirder to find? A note from my now husband and his then wife from way back in 2012. They sent me flowers when my step-father died. The note is sweet and cutesy. I remember thinking it was a classy thing to do. Now? I see it and feel awed at how much time can change things. I went to throw it away, but couldn’t do it for some reason. So I guess someday I will stumble upon it again. I wonder what will be going on in my life at that point.

Packing this room up is bittersweet. This office holds so many memories. My law firm has been in this building for 7 years. I’m going to miss it very much. At the same time, I’m looking forward to a change. Things have gotten stagnant. It’s time to mix things up.

the only one that made me cry

I was born next to my mother
She sang me to sleep
And I grew to adore my father
As he drowned in a drink
And I know that I should be grateful
For the things they taught
I was raised to be so damn faithful
I didn’t need a god
Time is crazy
My grandmother made up a lie of her life
When she died well she gave me
A necklace that came from the sky
Said my grandfather made it out of gold and a diamond that always reminded him
Of what life could have been

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Hope to die next to my daughter
Let her sing to me sleep
Having made the mistakes of a mother
Still I taught her to breathe
When you’re low and you’re deep underwater
Stay faithful, remember what you love
So when the world gets painful
You become your own god
I could daydream
Sit back and think of a mythical life
But the seasons change and the tragic thing is that you can’t live it twice
I try to be brave and tell her that we’ll meet again that we’d met before
But I’m not really so sure

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Mean It – K.Flay

people fucking suck

I’ve been trying to stay off the internet, because the internet is dark and full of terrors. Seriously…I fucking can’t with people right now.  It has been easy to do today because I was absolutely slammed at work.

The blog doesn’t count. The blog is exempt.


Seriously though, Facebook is a pile of shit and I’m back to wanting to just deactivate my account. I’m tired of learning seriously alarming and disappointing things about people I like and/or love. I mean, I guess it’s better that I know, but still. It’s all very disheartening.

Oh and I can’t even with how everyone is suddenly an expert on the First Amendment. *epic eye roll* Read Brandenburg v Ohio and get back to me, please.

And listen…I get that it is so much worse for minorities and that they have been living with this ridiculous, disgusting bullshit fucking forever now. I get to have my feelings, though, and this is my space to express them. That should go without saying, but, ya know…motherfucking people are going to people. (That’s my new version of haters gonna hate, btw.)

There are like maybe 20 people I don’t absolutely loathe interacting with at this point.

welcome to my mid-life crisis

The internet says I’m too young (at not quite 38) to be having a mid-life crisis. But I say fuck the internet. The internet doesn’t know me. It’s very Jenn to be ahead of the curve. I like to be a trendsetter. (hahahahaha).

So…I have been reading articles about the female mid-life crisis and I have found most of them to be helpful. This one in particular I liked, and I’m going to write about it below to help me get a better grasp on some of the things that have been bothering me.

13 Signs You’re Having A Mid-Life Crisis

  1. You’re asking yourself some deep, probing questions. Yes. Am I happy with where I am in life? What can I do to be a better person? A more successful person? A fitter person? Am I a good mother? Step-mother? Am I a good wife?  The silver lining, I suppose, is that I’m actually making an effort to answer these questions. I think in the end this will make me a better person.
  2. You’re making rash decisions. Yes. Do you like my new car? My new pixie cut? Lol.
  3. You feel as if you’re slowly losing your mind. Oh yes, very much this. I can’t keep track of things or remember things from minute to minute. It’s frustrating as fuck. My patience is running very thin nowadays as well.
  4. Sleeping through the night has become a thing of the past. Yep. No more sleep for me. I’m grateful if I manage four to five hours a night.
  5. Your vision of the future is pretty dismal. I’m on the fence with this one. In some regards, yes. But on the flip side, I see glitter, kittens, and rainbows when I think about my future with D.
  6. You feel like life is one big pile of blah. I dread the routine. I hate the routine. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Things that used to interest me: reading, shopping, fashion, running…are all very meh right now. Additionally, I sort of hate my job/career. I want to hide under a pile of blankets and just sleep through it all.
  7. You’re walking around with an overwhelming sense of loss.  It’s more accurate to say I’m walking around with a low grade depression.
  8. You have become overly concerned about your appearance. Oh yes. 100 times this. I’m obsessed with my appearance and find it lacking in every way. I can buy all the expensive skin care products and make-up in the world, but it can’t change what I hate about my face, which is everything. I’d be better off putting on a ski mask and calling it a day.
  9. …Or you throw in the towel when it comes to your looks. Not even close. I almost wish I would, honestly. Life would be so much simpler. Though I will say my general malaise combined with various physical ailments has made it more difficult for me to control things like my weight, which feels like giving up, and is adding to my depression.
  10. You rarely (if ever) have interest in sex. NOPE. If anything, I want more sex than I get.  My sex drive is at an all time high. The real mind fuck is when you want all the sex, but you also think you are so repulsive that nobody in their right mind would every want to have sex with you.
  11. You think of yourself as an old person. Yep. I find myself listening to more old music than new. I find it harder to get shit done physically. I see my body changing in ways I don’t like due to metabolism changes, hormonal changes, and wrinkles. It’s rough.
  12. You feel as if your best days are behind you. I refuse to allow this to be the case. I’m going to go down fighting. But I’d be lying if I don’t worry about it from time to time. Especially when it comes to my career. Part of why I want to open these new office locations is because I need something to look forward to professionally. I feel like I’m in a rut and I just can’t imagine being in this same situation 10+ years down the road.
  13. You assume that every bad day means you’re in the throes of a midlife crisis. Haha. This is so me. I have a bad day or even a bad morning/afternoon and I become convinced that my entire life is spiraling out of control. This comes with being dramatic as fuck. The good news is that reading this article, thinking it through, coming up with a plan of action, and talking/writing out my feelings makes a really big difference. All is not fucked. I know this in my heart. Sometimes you’ve just gotta feel your feelings though, ya know?

cheers to the demons who’ve been with me all evening…

I’m feeling very angst-y today. I think the cause is mostly hormones, mixed in with a low grade chemical depression. I was talking to D about various things earlier and started just started crying out of the blue. As I was doing it, I was like wtf is even happening right now? So yeah that’s fun and all, but I have to move past it because we are having friends over in a bit. They’re going to play D&D with us and the kids. Should be fun. To ensure it is, I have a bottle of cab I’m about to open. It’s the little things sometimes, ya know? Anyway, the point of this post is that nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time, no matter how things may appear on social media. I think it would do everyone (including me) good to remember that.


gotta blog it out

  • I’m sad and disappointed. I have today to figure out what I’m going to say to my kids tonight about this…about why half of our country supports hate. My son thinks Trump is a literal monster, so I need to defuse that situation. I need them to feel safe and loved.
  • I never want to hear again that women and men are on the same playing field. Not even fucking close. Misogyny is alive and thriving in this nation of ours. Being a bigoted, racist, sexual predator is preferable to being female. That much is clear. Thanks for letting me know where I stand, guys.
  • Congratulations, white people. We did this. I hope you’re happy.
  • D and I have been up most of the night. We are both bummed and a bit shocked. So we have decided to stay home today and have a nice day together.
  • As bummed as I am, I’ve gotta say there are some real gems on social media today.
  • Oh and stop saying you’re moving to Canada. Canada doesn’t want your ass. STOP. Stay here and help clean up the fucking mess. We have four years to get shit done and then vote this motherfucker out.
  • I still believe love trumps hate.
  • For what it’s worth, I do very much hope that Trump surprises us all and is a good (or at least not a horrible) president.
  • Peace out. I’m going to go hang with my man.