And it may not be obvious, because I’m holding it close to my chest right now, but I am profoundly sad about the news I received from my mom, but also determined to make the most of the time we have left.

I just learned that an internet friend lost her young step-son this week. I’m completely stunned, and heartbroken for her. I burst into tears upon reading it, and my thoughts are racing, selfishly worrying over my own kids, and wishing they were here. I feel sick for her. We have messaged each other on and off over the last couple of years about the rollercoaster ride that is step-parenting, but also about how amazing it is to get to love and shape the life of your bonus kid. What an unexpected blessing it is.

Oh what an absolutely awful, awful, terrible, heartbreaking, unfair thing.

whoa

I received an unexpected phone call this morning and it has me a bit off my game.

My lawyer called letting me know I have a settlement offer in my toxic tort litigation.

It’s a bit of a mind fuck, because I kind of never expected this day to come. This litigation has been going on for six years now. I’ve forgotten about it for the most part. But now here we are, and it brings up all kinds of feelings related to my cancer diagnosis/treatment.

I have some thinking to do.

election eve

I feel nervous that we won’t pull it off. Nauseated even.

I can still remember how good I felt voting for HRC, just knowing she would be the first female president, because how on earth could Trump ever win? The disappointment was gut wrenching. I’m still not over it.

Please, please, please, please, please. Please.

Maybe In Another Life

I’ve stayed up way too late finishing another book by Taylor Jenkins Reid because her stuff is just so good and really resonates with me. I love her writing style.

I particularly loved these passages:

I’ve already started another one of her novels, but I have to force myself to give it up for tonight.

I haven’t been this enamored with an author for a while. I love it when this happens.

brb crying

I am forever grateful for the friendship of this incredible man. He was my first true best friend. The first person who ever truly knew me. We met in the dorm my freshman year and hit it off almost immediately. He lives in Honolulu now with his fabulous husband. I miss him so very much, and I treasure his friendship more than I can adequately express.

This email was a beautiful gift. ❤️

The post he was referencing can be found here.

We will take Gracie to the vet on Wednesday afternoon so that she can leave us and rest in peace. My sweet baby girl.

I’m a fucking mess. I’m trying to hold it together for the kids.

I told the kids I needed to rest before dinner, but really I’ve been sobbing in my bathroom.

lost and found

I’ve started packing up some of the stuff in my office. I mean…we have to be out of here by September 1st, and even though we have no place to go as of yet, that doesn’t mean this shit doesn’t have to get packed up.

I dug into the beautiful antique cabinet that I rarely venture into. In fact, I think it has been at least two years since I last peeked inside. It held three decorative boxes filled with pictures, scraps of paper, mementos. Things mostly forgotten about that likely need to be purged.

I did come across two things that surprised me a bit.

  1. I found my ex-husband’s birth certificate. It was in a manilla envelope along with my own. I suppose I should give that back, huh? I have no doubt I took it from him long ago for safe keeping. I swear, that man would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.
  2. Even weirder to find? A note from my now husband and his then wife from way back in 2012. They sent me flowers when my step-father died. The note is sweet and cutesy. I remember thinking it was a classy thing to do. Now? I see it and feel awed at how much time can change things. I went to throw it away, but couldn’t do it for some reason. So I guess someday I will stumble upon it again. I wonder what will be going on in my life at that point.

Packing this room up is bittersweet. This office holds so many memories. My law firm has been in this building for 7 years. I’m going to miss it very much. At the same time, I’m looking forward to a change. Things have gotten stagnant. It’s time to mix things up.

the only one that made me cry

I was born next to my mother
She sang me to sleep
And I grew to adore my father
As he drowned in a drink
And I know that I should be grateful
For the things they taught
I was raised to be so damn faithful
I didn’t need a god
Time is crazy
My grandmother made up a lie of her life
When she died well she gave me
A necklace that came from the sky
Said my grandfather made it out of gold and a diamond that always reminded him
Of what life could have been

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Hope to die next to my daughter
Let her sing to me sleep
Having made the mistakes of a mother
Still I taught her to breathe
When you’re low and you’re deep underwater
Stay faithful, remember what you love
So when the world gets painful
You become your own god
I could daydream
Sit back and think of a mythical life
But the seasons change and the tragic thing is that you can’t live it twice
I try to be brave and tell her that we’ll meet again that we’d met before
But I’m not really so sure

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Mean It – K.Flay