what a week – and it’s only wednesday

My day is not off to a good start. I’m beginning to think this just isn’t going to be a good week for me.

I slept like shit again.

Woke up with a headache as a result.

Running late because it was hard to function.

In my zombie-like haze, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eye with a hair product.
OH THE BURNING. So now my eye is swollen and sore, and my make-up is all fucked up. lol lol lol

Just received more bad news about our daughter not doing her homework, and lying to us about things, and I am really fucking disappointed. Her not taking her schoolwork seriously is bad enough, but the lying?? That’s fucking unacceptable. She looked me in the face and told me that she was caught up in her other subjects, and then we found out today that she’s behind in two others.

Tonight should be a fucking blast.

Sigh.

This takes me back…

Total nostalgic mind fuck.

This was the song I was obsessing over on Sunday night. (Thanks to Oneofthewildwoosters for helping a gal out. I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me. I thought I was going crazy.)

Just finally got to listen to it, and it’s giving me feels.

Hearing it was just what I needed. ❤️

oncology update

The new doc is very nice, and his nurse is amazing. I left there with a referral for a cancer psychologist (whom I think is free for Siteman patients), a referral for a new gyn who is a young breast cancer survivor that has cultivated a practice focused on the special needs of survivors, a referral to the LiveStrong program (which is also free!), and, unfortunately, a prescription for motherfucking Tamoxifen.

BUT…

They sat down with me for over an hour getting to know me and making sure I understood exactly why they want me to go back on Tamoxifen. I didn’t feel rushed…not even once. In fact, the doctor ignored three pages to finish his discussion with me. I broke down into tears at one point, and he said, “I don’t know how you feel obviously, but I understand why it’s happening, and we are ready to help you through it.” He told me about his wife, who is a three time survivor, and who struggles with similar problems. It was a lot, but also exactly what I needed.

I follow up in about five weeks.

When I left, they hugged me.

I’m feeling very emotional, but also like I’m exactly where I need to be. I feel cared for.

And now I’m at a bar near my husband’s office, waiting on him to join me. I don’t usually sit at bars alone, because men (lol), but so far so good. Sometimes a bitch just needs a beer. You feel me?

The end is here…

and I am sad. I can only hope we’re going to get some spin off action. I’d love to see Arya’s adventure continue.

I’m (mostly) happy with how it all played out. I have some sad feelings about Jon, but not in a how dare they way; more in the way where you’re sad when someone you care about is sad.

I cheered when I saw Ghost. ❤️

What an amazing ride it has been. I’m so grateful to HBO for giving us an ending. 💙💙

saying goodbye

We went to Grace’s service this afternoon, and stopped by the reception. It was so very sad, but also touching, and she was obviously so very loved. She was only 40. How awful.

I hate saying this, because ugh, but this has really triggered me. After the whole breast cancer fiasco, and then the cervical cancer scare and related surgeries, I can all too easily picture myself in her place. Life is beautiful, but it is also cruel and random. It could happen to any of us at anytime. She left behind two young kids and a husband. I’m just…really fucked up right now.

It’s a wake up call to be sure; a kick in the ass. Remember to count your blessings. Don’t take life for granted. And in the words of Grace: Be kind. Always. No matter what.

I can do better. So I will.

Lots of deleted and drafted posts tonight while I sort through my sad, complicated feelings.

Fuck cancer.

I’m hoping this Advil PM will knock me out soon.

I had a lovely evening with my kids. Dinner and shopping…just the three of us. Lots of hugs and laughter. ❤️❤️❤️

Ultimately, I’m forever fucking grateful for every single moment I get – the good and the bad.

It feels so good

to go out with friends you haven’t seen in a while, and be like so here’s all my bullshit from the last three weeks, and they’re like “girl, we’ve got you!!”

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

The main character in the book I’m reading is a breast cancer survivor, and also had her breasts and ovaries removed. It’s a side plot, so I wasn’t aware of it when I started the book. I love the story so far, but it has me a little in my feels.

Also…I’m expecting bad news at some point this weekend. Not about me, but about a friend.

But I’m trying to push all that out of my mind so I can just live in the moment.

I’m flaring today, and that’s a bummer. Everything hurts and I’m tired.

I’m feeling sick from the new meds. It’s manageable, but kind of sucky considering they aren’t even really working yet.

I feel sad and unsettled.

You know what would actually make me feel better? Going to work.

I know, right?

But at least then I could feel in control of something.