More bad news

I can’t eat much anymore (or drink much either) without feeling really full and sick. I’ve also been having a lot of reflux. I wake up super ill in the middle of the night. Lots of nausea, reflux, and cramps. So I think I’m going to ask that my scans be moved up. I’m worried the peritoneal mets are growing again. I’m not supposed to scan until June 23rd, but I don’t think I can stand to wait that long. Plus, I need to report this kind of stuff to my oncologist anyway.

I’m so tired. I don’t know how much longer I can handle all of this bullshit.

It’s Friday but so what?

My body hurts and I’m tired. I’m mentally and physically fatigued. I slept like ten hours last night, and it still isn’t enough. Nothing makes this feeling go away. The Ritalin just masks it.

I’m trying not to get down. Everything is fine. I’m just unhappy at where I find myself – it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be more than this.

It’s so fucking hard. Some days are better than others. This day I feel the weight of all of it.

No bueno

I feel like a huge burden.

I feel like I have zero control over anything in my life.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I’ve been crying a lot.

I think I’m going to take a nap before court.

This is the post that fucked me up.

Sometimes I distance myself from reality enough to think that I can be one of the lucky women who last beyond the 3 – 5 year life expectancy. But then I get knocked back to reality with something like this post, coupled with renewed and persistent pain. I’ll be lucky to make it to 5 years given how quickly I’m flying through treatments. That is my reality.

no bueno

Panic attacks at 5 am. Ugh.

Yesterday, I read a post in my support group from a 40-yo mom with three young kids who will be dying from MBC in the next few months. She’s riddled with cancer from head to toe and is out of treatment options. To say it was triggering would be an understatement.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard.

Thursday Things

It’s just…not fair. And that’s what I kept saying over and over as I fell asleep crying: it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair…

I know all too well that life isn’t fair. I’m feeling better about things today. I accidentally drank too much. I’m a lightweight now, and need to be more careful.

But, even though I’m feeling better, I’m still sad about all of it. I need to let it roll off though, because we have shit going on today and I don’t have time to wallow.

Okay bye – it’s time for court.

xoxo

In re: today’s medical appt

My psych told me that my job is to relax and take care of myself. She said she knows it’s difficult for an over achiever like me to allow themself to do so without a lot of guilt, but that she wants me to work on it. So I’m currently lying down and resting for a few hours before I head out to run some errands. Like she said: I didn’t choose this life, but I choose to make the best of it.

Also – I keep reminding myself that this is technically my retirement. I should do things that make me happy. What’s the point of feeling guilty about it? It is what it is.

riding the rollercoaster: day in/day out

I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.

To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.

So that’s fun.

Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.

Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?

Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.

Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.

***

I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…

I won’t say it.

***

If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.

Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.

***

I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.

Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!

This post is all over the place, just like my brain.

I hope your Friday treats you kindly.

Take it easy, but take it!

xoxoxo