This is the post that fucked me up.

Sometimes I distance myself from reality enough to think that I can be one of the lucky women who last beyond the 3 – 5 year life expectancy. But then I get knocked back to reality with something like this post, coupled with renewed and persistent pain. I’ll be lucky to make it to 5 years given how quickly I’m flying through treatments. That is my reality.

no bueno

Panic attacks at 5 am. Ugh.

Yesterday, I read a post in my support group from a 40-yo mom with three young kids who will be dying from MBC in the next few months. She’s riddled with cancer from head to toe and is out of treatment options. To say it was triggering would be an understatement.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard.

Thursday Things

It’s just…not fair. And that’s what I kept saying over and over as I fell asleep crying: it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair…

I know all too well that life isn’t fair. I’m feeling better about things today. I accidentally drank too much. I’m a lightweight now, and need to be more careful.

But, even though I’m feeling better, I’m still sad about all of it. I need to let it roll off though, because we have shit going on today and I don’t have time to wallow.

Okay bye – it’s time for court.

xoxo

In re: today’s medical appt

My psych told me that my job is to relax and take care of myself. She said she knows it’s difficult for an over achiever like me to allow themself to do so without a lot of guilt, but that she wants me to work on it. So I’m currently lying down and resting for a few hours before I head out to run some errands. Like she said: I didn’t choose this life, but I choose to make the best of it.

Also – I keep reminding myself that this is technically my retirement. I should do things that make me happy. What’s the point of feeling guilty about it? It is what it is.

riding the rollercoaster: day in/day out

I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.

To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.

So that’s fun.

Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.

Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?

Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.

Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.

***

I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…

I won’t say it.

***

If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.

Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.

***

I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.

Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!

This post is all over the place, just like my brain.

I hope your Friday treats you kindly.

Take it easy, but take it!

xoxoxo

Sunday Selfie

I’m having a hard time dealing with my middle aged looks, and the fact that my hair is falling out. I feel frumpy and ugly. But whatever. I’m going to embrace the chaos, seize the day, and simply be grateful for another day of living. That’s really all I can do. The only thing I can control is my attitude.

Melancholic

Lots of tears today. I know what I need to do, but it’s so difficult to pull the trigger. It’s hard to watch everyone move forward with their dreams and goals, while I have to rewrite mine.

***

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself
All day, and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath, I say to myself
“I need fuel to take flight”

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl?
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil seas
But he washed me ashore
And he took my pearl
And left an empty
Shell of me

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion

Fiona Apple “Sullen Girl”

And also –

I want you, I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you, you said, “Young man, I do believe you’re dying”
I want you, if you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you, you can look in my eyes and you can count the ways