I’m flaring today, and that’s a bummer. Everything hurts and I’m tired.
I’m feeling sick from the new meds. It’s manageable, but kind of sucky considering they aren’t even really working yet.
I feel sad and unsettled.
You know what would actually make me feel better? Going to work.
I know, right?
But at least then I could feel in control of something.
Found out today that I can’t listen to this song anymore. It came up on one of my favorite playlists. It just hits too close to home now.
Somebody made a joke tonight about cutting themselves, and I literally flinched. It was like taking an emotional bullet.
A familiar scenario —
Lying here in pain. In the dark. Wondering how I’m going to get through the day.
I’m going to eventually break under the strain of all this. I can only fake it til I make it for so long. I’m tired. And sad. And angry.
And it may not be obvious, because I’m holding it close to my chest right now, but I am profoundly sad about the news I received from my mom, but also determined to make the most of the time we have left.
I just learned that an internet friend lost her young step-son this week. I’m completely stunned, and heartbroken for her. I burst into tears upon reading it, and my thoughts are racing, selfishly worrying over my own kids, and wishing they were here. I feel sick for her. We have messaged each other on and off over the last couple of years about the rollercoaster ride that is step-parenting, but also about how amazing it is to get to love and shape the life of your bonus kid. What an unexpected blessing it is.
Oh what an absolutely awful, awful, terrible, heartbreaking, unfair thing.
I received an unexpected phone call this morning and it has me a bit off my game.
My lawyer called letting me know I have a settlement offer in my toxic tort litigation.
It’s a bit of a mind fuck, because I kind of never expected this day to come. This litigation has been going on for six years now. I’ve forgotten about it for the most part. But now here we are, and it brings up all kinds of feelings related to my cancer diagnosis/treatment.
I have some thinking to do.
I feel nervous that we won’t pull it off. Nauseated even.
I can still remember how good I felt voting for HRC, just knowing she would be the first female president, because how on earth could Trump ever win? The disappointment was gut wrenching. I’m still not over it.
Please, please, please, please, please. Please.
I’ve stayed up way too late finishing another book by Taylor Jenkins Reid because her stuff is just so good and really resonates with me. I love her writing style.
I particularly loved these passages:
I’ve already started another one of her novels, but I have to force myself to give it up for tonight.
I haven’t been this enamored with an author for a while. I love it when this happens.
This chick I used to be friends with when I lived in Los Angeles, and with whom I’ve always had a bit of a rivalry, just had a gorgeous baby boy. I’m a tiny bit jealous. She has a newborn, and I’m a dried up old chrone with no ovaries.
I am forever grateful for the friendship of this incredible man. He was my first true best friend. The first person who ever truly knew me. We met in the dorm my freshman year and hit it off almost immediately. He lives in Honolulu now with his fabulous husband. I miss him so very much, and I treasure his friendship more than I can adequately express.
This email was a beautiful gift. ❤️
The post he was referencing can be found here.
