This has been an emotional few days for me.

K has been my legal assistant for 9 years. Prior to that, we worked together at another firm for several years. She is a really good friend of mine, and has been like my right fucking arm for what feels like forever. K will be working here for another six weeks or so to further assist with the transition, and then she will be moving on. It is just now really hitting us – now that the chaos of the merger is finally dying down a bit – and it is a lot. She has been crying a lot the past few days, and when she starts crying, I start crying.

Even though she totally understands and supports my decision to do this merger, I still feel ridiculously guilty that it means we won’t be working together anymore. Nothing I write here is going to properly convey how I feel about it. I’m just so fucking SAD. I’m scared, too. Not just because change is always a bit scary, but because this change signifies a huge life transition for me. It’s hard to know that this is happening because of my cancer diagnosis. It is chipping away at my identity one piece at a time, and eventually there will be nothing left of me.

This isn’t coming across the way I intended. My head is very foggy today – due to lack of sleep, way too much wine, and a lot of fucking crying.

I can’t wait to go home and spend the evening with D. I miss him.
I need a hug.

a quick update

I’ve been really busy, like too busy to blog, and it feels good. The merger is a lot of work, and everything is chaos right now, but in the best way possible.

I had in-person court this morning for the first time in like 8 months, and it felt fucking fantastic. Fuck… I really miss being in a courtroom several times per week.

My date last night was really good. I wasn’t expecting us to vibe so well, though weirdly my husband totally called it days prior. I guess he knows me!! Anyway – we had drinks, and a bit of food. We talked very candidly about all the things. Then we made out for about 15 min in his car. We’re already planning our next date. Let’s be blunt: you’ve gotta see if the sex is good if dating is going to work, so we need to bang. The making out was quite promising!

His wife messaged me this morning and said he’s been gushing about our date. 🥰

I love having this type of relationship where I can be dating someone while being friends with his wife. That’s so cool. I kind of really dig poly life, which I never would have expected. So much of it depends on open, honest, frequent communication. I’m looking forward to discussing some things with my husband tonight during our happy hour.

I have more to say, but the boss (I have a boss!) is waiting on me.

I’m happy. ♥️

I can’t sleep

I feel very anxious. I should probably take a Xanax, but it’s 5:41 am and I think that will make me sleep too late at this point.

I’m going into the office again today. I have more stuff to bring home. We also have a few more things to pack up. The ladies are holding up well so far, but I think there will be some tears today. Monday is moving day. K is coming with me (at least for a few months) but T is not, and I’m going to miss her like crazy.

DG finally told his staff about the merger, and apparently they seem excited about it. He doesn’t really seem to trust that/them though. I have a lot of work ahead trying to fix some issues with the employees, and the overall management of the firm, but I’m optimistic about it. I’ve worked with two of the ladies years ago at another firm, and I think that will help. I’ve decided to let go of any preconceived notions and start with a clean slate.

I really do think this move will be good for me. I feel more energized about my career than I have in a long time. Still – there is sadness. And anxiety too, because everything is complete chaos right now. I can’t sleep because my brain is scrolling non-stop through the seemingly endless to-do list. Sigh.