a quick update

I’ve been really busy, like too busy to blog, and it feels good. The merger is a lot of work, and everything is chaos right now, but in the best way possible.

I had in-person court this morning for the first time in like 8 months, and it felt fucking fantastic. Fuck… I really miss being in a courtroom several times per week.

My date last night was really good. I wasn’t expecting us to vibe so well, though weirdly my husband totally called it days prior. I guess he knows me!! Anyway – we had drinks, and a bit of food. We talked very candidly about all the things. Then we made out for about 15 min in his car. We’re already planning our next date. Let’s be blunt: you’ve gotta see if the sex is good if dating is going to work, so we need to bang. The making out was quite promising!

His wife messaged me this morning and said he’s been gushing about our date. 🥰

I love having this type of relationship where I can be dating someone while being friends with his wife. That’s so cool. I kind of really dig poly life, which I never would have expected. So much of it depends on open, honest, frequent communication. I’m looking forward to discussing some things with my husband tonight during our happy hour.

I have more to say, but the boss (I have a boss!) is waiting on me.

I’m happy. ♥️

I can’t sleep

I feel very anxious. I should probably take a Xanax, but it’s 5:41 am and I think that will make me sleep too late at this point.

I’m going into the office again today. I have more stuff to bring home. We also have a few more things to pack up. The ladies are holding up well so far, but I think there will be some tears today. Monday is moving day. K is coming with me (at least for a few months) but T is not, and I’m going to miss her like crazy.

DG finally told his staff about the merger, and apparently they seem excited about it. He doesn’t really seem to trust that/them though. I have a lot of work ahead trying to fix some issues with the employees, and the overall management of the firm, but I’m optimistic about it. I’ve worked with two of the ladies years ago at another firm, and I think that will help. I’ve decided to let go of any preconceived notions and start with a clean slate.

I really do think this move will be good for me. I feel more energized about my career than I have in a long time. Still – there is sadness. And anxiety too, because everything is complete chaos right now. I can’t sleep because my brain is scrolling non-stop through the seemingly endless to-do list. Sigh.

it’s almost over

I just sent a “wrapping things up” email to my staff, and I am profoundly sad right now.

The last line:

I love you both very much, and will forever be grateful to you for the amazing work you have done for me. Without you two, I never would have been able to make it this far. 

I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
This is the right decision.
This is the right decision.
This is the right decision.

probably tl;dr

I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).

This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.

The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.

BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)

We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!

I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.

I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.

My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.

Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.

But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.

I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)

OH AND I RAN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. Difficult, but good.

I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.

There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:

As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”

This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.

xoxo