i’d cut a motherfucker…

This just happened in my last consultation:

Me: What is your marital status?

Him: Single.

Me (because I have learned the hard way): Have you ever been married?

Him: *long pause*

Him: I’m married.

Me: Are you separated or something?

Him: No. I’m just used to saying I’m single. *raises eyebrow at me and winks*
I guess you can put down whatever you think is best.

Me: Well, I’m going to put down that you are married, because you are legally married, and that means something whether you think it does or not.

**What’s even worse is that they just had a baby together one fucking month ago.

this is a new one

I met with this dude a while back. He wants to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Typically, I need pay stubs from the last six months if you’re going to file, but he told me he had been unemployed during that period. Cool. Makes my life easier.

Fast forward to today, when this same dude emails over a bunch of documents (so I can start prepping the case). He sends a bunch of pay stubs. Upon closer inspection, it seems he has created these pay stubs, from a website called Check Stub Maker. Each check has a watermark on it that says, “This watermark will be removed after purchase,” in big letters. Can’t miss it. So he goes to all this trouble to make pay stubs I wasn’t even looking for, that don’t help his case in anyway, and in fact may hurt his case, but then is too cheap and/or stupid to pay to get the fucking watermark removed. Jesus fuck, bro. Can’t make this stupidity up.

But my favorite part is still to come: My favorite part is that he misspelled the “employer’s” address. It should say South Hanley, but instead says Soutj Hanley.

lol lol lol.

It hurts my head trying to figure this out. Why??????

today’s crazy

He told me that he has been followed by the FBI for 10 years now, and that every time he gets a job, they hack into his work computer to change his work product so that he gets fired. He’s worried he will be arrested at any time, but it has been 10 years now, so he doesn’t know what they’re waiting for. When I ask what, exactly, he did that is arrest worthy, he cannot answer, except that it’s related to a secret project that started 10 years ago at a local company.

Law school did not adequately prepare me for how often I’d be dealing with mental illness, or, more importantly, how to deal with it. I think I do okay, but fuck it is draining.

Needless to say, I declined representation.

a day in the life: work day edition

9:20 am

I’m going to just type things here in this text box as they come to me throughout the day.

Those sleeping pills work, dude. Maybe too well.

My 9:00 appointment canceled. They always cancel. I don’t know why the ladies even bother setting them.

Traffic was beautiful today. I love driving on holidays.

I like staying home on holidays more tho. lol.

***

10:25 am

So far 3 out of 3 appointments have either canceled or no-showed. This is typical. Especially in the mornings.

At least it’s giving me time to get caught up on other stuff.

Just got an invite to N’s birthday party on 2/8. It’s a super small gathering. Beer & games at URB/Recess. Should be fun. Our February is already booking up. D and I want to go on a mini weekend vacay the weekend of Feb 21st. We’re thinking Memphis. Then that Sunday night, I have a ticket to see Rent!! And let’s not forget Valentine’s Day! I love Valentine’s Day!

***

10:58 am

Why are so many people comfortable with being late? It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. It’s so fucking disrespectful. On time to a professional appointment is at least 10 minutes before the scheduled appointment. I’ll give you a pass if you at least show up at the appointment time, but people who walk in ten to twenty minutes late like it’s no big deal: ooh that shit really fucking enrages me.

***

11:26 am

My 2020 rule of not working for free is starting to piss a lot of people off – including my staff.

People know what the rules are. If they choose not to follow the rules, I refuse to let that be my problem anymore. I’m done with this shit.

I’m extremely fucking annoyed.

***

12:16 pm

No longer annoyed. My mood swings, dude, let me tell you. Hey, I’m Cancer sun and Cancer moon. It goes with the territory.

I just finished my go-to Bread Co salad, aka The Jenn Special: half chicken caesar salad with extra dressing and add gorgonzola.

I think I need to cut way back on my drinking again. It has creeped up these past two weeks. We’ve had a lot of shit going on though. Soon I’ll be on oxy for a bit – so I won’t be able to drink. It will be easy to go full-on Keto during my recovery week. I’m hoping to lose a couple of pounds. I need to see the 140s again!!

Though, honestly, I haven’t been getting any complaints. If you know what I mean.

People who wait until the day before a foreclosure sale to call an attorney are baffling to me. And then they’re like: drop everything to save my house, but I don’t have any money to pay you.

cool, cool, cool. PASS.

One of my favorite work related things is when someone calls for a quote, then talks shit about the amount, hangs up on us, and then calls back like 30 minutes later to hire us. Yep. We’re a good deal, motherfucker, but now the price has gone up. *shrugs* Don’t be a dick!

***

12:42 pm

Five of the seven afternoon appointments have confirmed. Not that this really means anything. Haha.

***

3:30 pm

I just finished four back-to-back consultations.

Oof.

Now I’m eating a beef stick and some cheese. Mmm.

***

3:39 pm

Some lady called here earlier wanting to file Ch 13 to stop the sale of her home scheduled for tomorrow fucking afternoon. Then I find out that the real estate is actually owned by her LLC, and she was going to go quit claim it into her own name. So I was like nah pass. I’m not in the mood to fuck with any of that shit today. Fast forward to just now, when a fellow bk attorney just told me that this chick also called her, and it turns out she has committed all kinds of fraud – including forging the judge’s name in a previous bankruptcy case. HOLY FUCK. Bullet dodged.

***

4:37 pm

Today I had two (male) clients not believe I was the attorney because apparently I look too young. On the one hand, it’s kind of a compliment, right? But, on the other hand, how rude for you to ask what my age is, random man who came in to discuss bankruptcy. My age is old enough to be the only attorney in the room, bro.

*eyeroll*

The office closes in 20 minutes, and I will be heading to a local bar/restaurant to meet up with Carrie. It will be good to see her and get caught up. Despite what I mentioned earlier in this post, I think I’ll be having a drink tonight. It has been a long day.

Not gonna lie: I’m dreading trying to park in the CWE and then walk in the freezing cold to the restaurant, but it will be worth it. Something I really enjoy about the suburbs are the fucking parking lots.

xoxo

 

 

 

woo-to-the-motherfucking-hoo!!

I just got really great news regarding one of my most hated cases/clients. This guy is…such a fucking piece of shit, misogynistic douche face, motherfucker.  It has been causing me so much fucking stress, and now I should be able to get it resolved (and finally get fucking paid). OMG I cannot even begin to properly convey what a relief this is. Maybe I’ll stop feeling like I’m constantly on the verge of a massive heart attack.

It’s weird how I can let so much shit roll off my back, and then one dumb ass dick bag can get me all upset and out of sorts. The reason this is finally getting resolved is because I told myself last night that is enough is enough, and I was going to put on my big girl panties and fucking own this motherfucker. So I did.

Yay, yay, yay.

Gonna do a celebratory shot of tequila tonight, baby.