July is going to be brutal

Out of 22 working days – I have court on 17 of those days.

The majority of those 17 days require appearances in multiple courts. On one day, I have hearings in five different jurisdictions. To make matters even more stressful – on several occasions I am actually double booked for appearances.

I normally take the week of my birthday off, but I had to cancel that, because I am fucking SLAMMED. (But I am happy to report that there is no court on my actual birthday: the 22nd.)

A big part of the problem is that all the crim/traffic courts are finally getting around to rescheduling all the shit that got continued due to Covid. So I have to make up for like four months worth of hearings in one fucking month.

Jesus take the wheel. lol.


That moment when you think something is going to be simple, and then it turns out to be an entire fucking ordeal, and a fuckton of work, over something that could have been avoided if other people had done the shit they were supposed to do. Oh and it originally took a bunch of work to get this result in the first place, which is what my client wanted.

I’m so stabby right now. Like I don’t have enough on my plate. Now I have to do a bunch of work to undo a bunch of work.

I do not make enough money on these cases to deal with this nonsense.

a classic stl muni court tale

I went to court this afternoon to pull some warrants, and there was a dude in the waiting area who was singing and dancing while waiting on the courtroom to be unlocked. He was singing that Rod Stewart song that goes something like, “Some guys have all the luck/some guys have all the pain/some guys get all the breaks/some guys do nothing but complain…” The funny thing is that it didn’t even occur to me that this was in any way unusual. This sort of shit happens all the time at city court.

Later, I was getting compliance letters from the clerk, and this same dude was standing around waiting for me. He asked if I was an attorney, and I reluctantly said yes (lol), because I knew what was coming. He then launched into a very confusing tale regarding his situation and need for legal assistance, of course. We talked for about 20 minutes, and I still cannot tell you wtf he has going on. Some kind of “maybe traffic mixed with a little domestic violence because he wouldn’t get off the porch, but he doesn’t remember because it was three years ago, and it isn’t his fault the judge kicked him out of the courtroom for calling him beautiful, because he forgot that men don’t like to be called beautiful” type of situation.

And me, being the absolute sucker that I am, took pity on this poor fool, because he is clearly mentally ill, and gave him my card. I gave him some advice, told him to go home and call my office so we can run his name/dob and find out wtf is going on, and hopefully he will follow through. He seems like a genuinely nice person.

this is a new one

I met with this dude a while back. He wants to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Typically, I need pay stubs from the last six months if you’re going to file, but he told me he had been unemployed during that period. Cool. Makes my life easier.

Fast forward to today, when this same dude emails over a bunch of documents (so I can start prepping the case). He sends a bunch of pay stubs. Upon closer inspection, it seems he has created these pay stubs, from a website called Check Stub Maker. Each check has a watermark on it that says, “This watermark will be removed after purchase,” in big letters. Can’t miss it. So he goes to all this trouble to make pay stubs I wasn’t even looking for, that don’t help his case in anyway, and in fact may hurt his case, but then is too cheap and/or stupid to pay to get the fucking watermark removed. Jesus fuck, bro. Can’t make this stupidity up.

But my favorite part is still to come: My favorite part is that he misspelled the “employer’s” address. It should say South Hanley, but instead says Soutj Hanley.

lol lol lol.

It hurts my head trying to figure this out. Why??????

it just doesn’t make any sense

Why do you call an attorney’s office to get a quote on traffic tickets, and then when asked, “what jurisdiction/what charges/when’s the court date?” you are like, “oh I don’t know…I don’t have the tickets with me.”

It happens all the fucking time. It’s insanity. How can I quote you when I don’t know what the fuck I’m signing up to do?

Please try using your brain. It doesn’t hurt, I promise.

we’ll see about that, bro

Some guy just called and made an appointment to meet with me next Thursday to discuss bankruptcy. According to my assistant, upon finding out I’m a female, he chuckled and said, “Oh good. Female attorneys are way less intimidating.”

We shall see about that, motherfucker.

I put a note in his appointment on the calendar so I can remember he said it. That kind of shit annoys the fuck out of me.

In today’s version of “Stuff Clients Say”

One client recently bought a new car, despite the fact that she is already paying on two different cars, both of which are in excellent condition. In way of explanation, she said, “Well I made that decision (to buy the third car) while I was high on oxy, and I know I must have been really high too, because I told my boyfriend he could stick his thing in my butt. I never let him do that normally!”

Yep…that actually happened. I literally laughed out loud.


On the docket

Tomorrow morning I’m defending a dude who bypassed the orange cones and drove onto a closed road where workers were present.

  1. Even I think this dude is a dumbass dick bag, and I am not sure I’m going to be able to get a good deal on this one.
  2. Dumbfuck was like, “I’m not from Missouri so I didn’t know what the cones meant.” Uh huh.
  3. He’s from Miami, which really explains everything tbh. Have you ever driven in Miami? Sweet motherfucking baby Jesus it’s a god damned disaster down there.