We had a lot of fun last night. I have a feeling these two could end up being really good friends, and there is definitely chemistry. Gen X dudes just do it for me. And let’s not forget J: she’s a sexy, sexy bitch. Unf.

And now we will take a much needed break. We hit Project Ho hard. It has been a lot of fun, but also kind of exhausting. Don’t worry…we plan on resuming our activities after I’m all healed. In fact, there are already tentative plans.

This time next week I’ll be in surgery. I can’t wait to have my new boobs. D and I are both very excited. I’m a bit worried about my tattoos, but I can always redo them. I’m thinking maybe hearts this time. I’m going to buy some pasties and experiment. If I can’t have my nipples back, I might as well have fun with it, right?

faking it/not quite making it

This is what I wore to go see my doctor. It just felt like a hat day. Sometimes I like to be extra – just because.

I still feel not well. But I think at this point it’s mostly side effects from the antibiotics killing everything, both the good and the bad. I bought some probiotics to offset all of that. Hopefully.

More medical updates:

The tooth will be dealt with Thursday morning. I’m hoping for a root canal. An extraction will be a whole fucking ordeal.

The boobs will be swapped out on January 24th. My doc had a lot of great shit to say. She thinks that I’ll be much more comfortable after, and also happier with their appearance. Can’t wait. And it’s outpatient this time, because no fat grafting, though I will have drains again. Ugggghhhhh drains suck balls.

I have questions –

Is 5:30 too early to go to bed? Do I really have to make dinner? Can I just drink my dinner instead? Can I shoot tequila while taking narcotics? Can I make a living playing Candy Crush? Why do people go to law school?

lol lol lol

the insomnia chronicles

I have insomnia, and the internet is boring, but I’m too lazy to fetch my Kindle from the other room. This is a recurring theme.

My husband woke up briefly, mumbled, “Hi you’re up,” and then immediately started snoring again. I envy his ability to sleep.

I, on the other hand, fell asleep around 2 am and woke around 4:15 am. Sigh.

I’ve never been a good sleeper, but it has definitely gotten worse post-menopause. Just another reason to miss my ovaries.

I was talking to a client last week who is also a fellow breast cancer survivor. We’ve had all the same surgeries. We commiserated for a while, but then she asked, “But doesn’t it feel good knowing we did everything we could?” And, yes, yes it does.

I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe some sleeping pills. I need some relief. This is ridiculous.

I FEEL LIKE I’M AWAKE ALL THE TIME. This is not good for one’s mental health, let me tell you.

It reminds me of my grandmother, actually. She always seemed to be awake too. See…I’m old. BUT I’M ONLY 40. *lol sob*

Speaking of old, the fans at the Blink concert had me feeling quite old. I kept thinking: these are not my people. (DMB has spoiled me). It was still a good show though, and it was fun watching my husband and daughter do their thing. ❤️

I miss Tom a lot. The band just isn’t the same without him. We’re seeing him next Sunday though, so yay! Oh and I can’t hear Matt Skiba without thinking about my favorite Alkaline Trio song. This has been stuck in my head all night:

This Could Be Love

I’ve got a book of matches
I’ve got a can of kerosene
I’ve got some bright ideas involving you and me
I don’t blame you for walking away
I touch myself at thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days

Here we go again

Just took the first pill after a 16 month break. Here’s hoping the next five years will be side effect free. Of course, in five years they’re going to say, “Studies have shown that five more years would be even more beneficial.” So really I’ll likely be taking this drug for the rest of my life. If this is what it takes, then so be it.

oncology update

The new doc is very nice, and his nurse is amazing. I left there with a referral for a cancer psychologist (whom I think is free for Siteman patients), a referral for a new gyn who is a young breast cancer survivor that has cultivated a practice focused on the special needs of survivors, a referral to the LiveStrong program (which is also free!), and, unfortunately, a prescription for motherfucking Tamoxifen.


They sat down with me for over an hour getting to know me and making sure I understood exactly why they want me to go back on Tamoxifen. I didn’t feel rushed…not even once. In fact, the doctor ignored three pages to finish his discussion with me. I broke down into tears at one point, and he said, “I don’t know how you feel obviously, but I understand why it’s happening, and we are ready to help you through it.” He told me about his wife, who is a three time survivor, and who struggles with similar problems. It was a lot, but also exactly what I needed.

I follow up in about five weeks.

When I left, they hugged me.

I’m feeling very emotional, but also like I’m exactly where I need to be. I feel cared for.

And now I’m at a bar near my husband’s office, waiting on him to join me. I don’t usually sit at bars alone, because men (lol), but so far so good. Sometimes a bitch just needs a beer. You feel me?