ouch…go away please

The nerve pain from my bilateral mastectomy is flaring up today, so that’s fun.

Description:

The classic symptoms of PMPS are pain and tingling in the chest wall, armpit, and/or arm. Pain may also be felt in the shoulder or surgical scar. Other common complaints include: numbness, shooting or pricking pain, or unbearable itching

That pretty much sums it up.

I guess I should take some pain meds, though they honestly don’t do much with this type of pain…even the narcotics. I mostly just have to grin and bear it.

Sigh.

The main character in the book I’m reading is a breast cancer survivor, and also had her breasts and ovaries removed. It’s a side plot, so I wasn’t aware of it when I started the book. I love the story so far, but it has me a little in my feels.

Also…I’m expecting bad news at some point this weekend. Not about me, but about a friend.

But I’m trying to push all that out of my mind so I can just live in the moment.

my job today

is chemo buddy!

I’m taking my girl KC to chemo today. It’s going to be sort of weird to be in the chemo lounge as a support person instead of a patient, but a good weird…obviously. I’m happy to be able to spend the day entertaining and supporting my friend. I have breakfast, snacks, and a variety of gossip to share. I know all too well how important it is to have a good friend at your side during treatments.

On this day…

What’s sad is that just the other day I had to go into the basement and find what I call the cancer box: the box with the wigs, scarves, and hats that I was too scared to get rid of in fear of jinxing myself — because my friend needs it for his wife who has pancreatic cancer. I’m glad I kept it for her sake, but heartbroken that she needs it. I’m experiencing all kinds of feelings related to all things cancer this week. 💙

I’m feeling it!

This hair. It’s the longest it has been since chemo in 2013!!! ❤️ I’m going to continue growing it out to boob length. That was what I was working on (and I was getting close) when I was diagnosed with cancer back in Nov 2012. Then it was bye-bye, hair.

Also…look at my cute floofy boy. ❤️🥰❤️

oncology recap

I had my yearly oncology appointment yesterday. It’s still weird to me that I only go once a year. It makes me feel nervous.

The short version is that he wants me to start Lexapro to help with some of my menopause side effects, and also to help with my depression/anxiety. It is sitting at Walgreens waiting for me to pick it up. I suppose I’ll start it tonight if I can manage to get out of the house later. Fingers crossed it goes over better than the Effexor did.

He wants me to go back on Tamoxifen (or a similar drug) at some point, but told me to take the next six months to allow my body to continue to recover from the hell it went though with the hysterectomy/oophorectomy. So I go back in May to deal with that.

Considering all the bad news I’ve gotten recently regarding friends being diagnosed with cancer, I will take the pills and be happy I have that to fall back on.

Oh and it occurred to me yesterday that I’m a six year survivor! How about that!

truths

As I sit alone, drinking, and waiting on some girlfriends to arrive:

  • I told D tonight, after breaking the news that our friend has stage 4, inoperable, pancreatic cancer: I’m so glad I got my ovaries removed. I don’t care that I look older and fatter as long as I get to spend every possible moment with you and the kids.
  • He whole heartedly agrees.
  • He’s making an appointment for a physical tomorrow. No more fucking around. I can’t live without him.
  • We’re going to increase our life insurance too.
  • I have my yearly appointment with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and I just feel all fucked up about it now. What if, what if, what if?
  • Pins and fucking needles.
  • It feels like my employee who is leaving has started to phone it in a bit, and that sucks. Not even because I care about the work shit. I just thought we were cooler than that. And I guess it feels like I’m going to miss her, but she’s not going to miss me. So I guess my feelings are hurt.
  • I feel like I need to touch base with hard ass Jenn. I’ve gotten so fucking soft.
  • But…fuck that. Life is short. I’m happy now, and happy Jenn is softer. That’s just the way it is.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.

How have you changed so far in 2018?

2018 has been a difficult year for me, both health-wise and career-wise. But, as always, I have come out on the other side better for all of it. My motto for the year has been: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

From a health perspective: I have eliminated my chance of cervical and ovarian cancer, as well as drastically reduced my risk of breast cancer recurrence. It was a hard road to recovery, but I’m here now, and while there are some shitty side effects, I don’t regret my decision to have the surgeries.

As for my career: 2018 has been the most litigious year yet. It has been stressful as fuck, but I continue to learn and grow as an attorney. I am a better attorney today than I was on 1/1/18. These experiences have emboldened me, and I have started taking more complicated cases as a result. I take more chances. I have more confidence in my abilities. I am grateful for that.