Still feels sort of weird

to be included on group texts with D and his ex about Frey. Still though…this progress is good. Even if we seem to be taking steps backwards in other areas, like the fact that I’m blocked again on Facebook. I’m not sure what I did, but *shrug* Guess I can’t really blame her for not needing a constant reminder of my existence (we have kind of a lot of mutuals). Haha. Even though I’m awesome and shit. šŸ˜‚

My ex never unblocked me on Facebook. I have him blocked on Instagram because he never unfriended me there and it felt weird. I want to be able to post what I want without hurting his feelings, ya know? 

so many feels

On Monday afternoon, I was talking to Jackson about his weekend with his dad, and he mentioned that his dads’s gf (Abby) had spent time with them. This lead to a candid conversation about her (because I’m curious, ok?!!!) in which Jackson told me he would like it if she became his step-mom.

I had a lot of different feelings about this. Obviously, I’m happy that he likes her enough to say something like that since it means she is being good to him. But then there is a not so nice part of me that wants to throw my arms around him and scream, “MINE!”

Abby is about ten years younger than me and doesn’t have kids of her own. This worries me a bit, but ultimately I know his dad wouldn’t bring someone unworthy into his life. I guess my biggest concern is that she won’t understand certain boundaries. For example, my business partner is divorced and he once told me about how his kids’ new step-dad insisted the boys call him dad. This, obviously, pushed my partnerĀ over the edge. He seriously lost his fucking shit over this. But I totally get it. (And shame on his ex-wife for even allowing such a thing to happen in the first place).

I’m (essentially) a step-mom myself, and I try to be aware of my actions and make every attempt to not overstep. I love Freya very much, but I am not her mother, and I never will be. Ā I talk to her about her mom all the time, to make sure Freya realizes that there is nothing to feel awkward about. That is her mom. End of story. Hopefully, her mom recognizes my feelings on this and doesn’t fret about it too much. Some fretting is inevitable, I’m thinking. See paragraph #2. Haha.

Who knows…maybe Abby will even end up reading this. I know if I was her I would have internet stalked me a long time ago, found this blog, and read it from beginning to end. I read D’s ex’s blog in its entirety over the period of a week once upon a time. I think it is critical to know something about someone who is going to be playing an important role in your life for aĀ long time to come. Ā A little empathy and understanding goes a long way.

first aid

I read this article yesterday about marriage, and there was a line that really hit home for me. 

Divorce is death by a thousand paper cuts. 

D and I discussed it over dinner. He agreed it was accurate, and we discussed our own paper cuts, which are thankfully few. A huge difference between this relationship and my last is that we talk about stuff like this. Communication and compromise are so fucking vital for a healthy relationship. 

So yeah… it was a little first aid for the heart. ā¤

don’t look back in anger

We have been seeing D’s ex a lot recently because Freya has basketball games every Saturday. At the first one, I made a point of us (D, Jackson, and I) sitting next to her because it seemed ridiculous and rude to not sit next to her. So we did, and we have at every game since. I think it has gone fairly well. We make small talk. We are polite. It feels less weird every time. I can tell it makes Freya happy, so it’s a win as far as I’m concerned.

I’m frustratedĀ that my ex isn’t as mature. Jackson wants to join a baseball team this spring, and I already know that my ex is going to throw a fit when I bring D to the games. In the past, I have done what I could to accommodate the fact that I know my ex doesn’t want to see D, but I can’t continue to do so. It has been (almost) five years. I’m not saying he has to get over it; he’s obviously entitled to feel his feelings (whatever those may be). However, I’m not going to accommodate him in this regard any longer. It’s not like D is going anywhere. We live together and are getting married. He’s going to be Jackson’s step-father, and they love each other. Ā Jackson doesn’t like this divide in his family. He needs to see the three of usĀ make an effort. He needs to feel our collective love and support. Ā He wants all of us to be at his games, and so that’s what is going to happen.

I have to find a way to have this conversation with him while maintaining my composure and kindness. I’m not trying to belittleĀ his feelings. I just happen to believe that in this particular scenarioĀ Jackson’s feelings are more important. Nobody said parenting would be easy.

So…this should be fun.

Sigh.

fuckery

I went to the dentist today because the left side of my face (ear, jaw, and teeth) hurts. I can barely open my mouth on certain days. After x-rays and an exam, the dentist declared that I really do just have the worst sinus infection ever. Apparently my sinus cavity is quite low and butts up against the nerves in my teeth.

Fuuuuuuuck me.

So I’m back on antibiotics and steroids. Oh joy. I was actually hoping I needed a root canal. How fucked is that?

I’ve been lying around all day like a lazy piece of shit, but at some point this evening I need to rally and finish up the Christmas shopping. Because Christmas is this weekend…like how did that happen? Wasn’t it just October?

In other news,Ā I found out this week that my ex is telling our child to keep secrets from me; one of which is that D isn’t Jackson’s boss and so Jackson doesn’t have to listen to him. I’m going to fuck my ex way the fuckĀ up, but I’m going to wait to do it until after Christmas. I don’t have time for his bullshit right now, and Jackson and I have talked it out extensively. We seem to be on the same page.

I get that the ex isĀ still all butt hurt or whatever over the divorce, but he needs to get a fucking grip. He’s acting like an angst-y teen when he is actually a 37 year old father. He needs to get his shit together and stop putting our kid in the middle of things. Jackson was like, “I hate being in the middle of this. I feel guilty and like I’m disappointing my dad because I care aboutĀ Dave.”

I’m going to have to cut a bitch clearly.

Another thing Jackson said that broke my heart is that he very much wants D and I to be married, but that he’s scared we will break up and he will lose his family again. *sigh* I reassured him that he doesn’t need to be worried about that (for multiple reasons) but he’s an anxious little boy and I hurt for him. I love him so much. His happiness means everything to me.

Parenting is hard, yo.

 

*hulk smash*

This is a stupid, petty little rant, but I need to get it out:

I fucking hate co-parenting sometimes.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I bought tickets for the family to go see Rogue One tonight. I bought these tickets like two weeks ago as part of the kids’ Christmas countdown activities. We made a point of telling the kids about it ahead of time so that they could tell the other parents about it. We wanted to avoid having them see it twice in a short period of time. Both of the other parents are big Star Wars fans, so this was a good possibility. I even told my ex about it personally, because I knew I couldn’t rely on children to relay information.

So what happens? Both kids toldĀ us when we spokeĀ to them this weekend that they hadĀ seen the movie with the other parents. Okay fine. I can still work with that. But…it gets better! My ex called earlier to tell me something unrelated and happened to mention that he took Jackson to see it twice this weekend. Fucking twice. When he knew we had tickets to go see it tonight!

That’s just such a dick move, in my opinion. He just shit all over my fucking plans. I paidĀ like fifty fucking dollars for these tickets, and there is no way Jackson is going to want to see it a third time in as many days. I don’t blame him. Ugh I’m just so (admittedly probably irrationally) angry about this and I want to shit all over something that is important to him just to be an asshole.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck you so fucking hard. Grrr.