it has been eight years

When my ex-husband arrives to pick up our child, he honks his horn twice to indicate he has arrived, since he cannot be bothered to come to the door – even after all these years – because he is still all fucking butt hurt about the divorce/Dave. Let me tell you – that sound grates on my fucking nerves and induces rage every single time, so if that’s what he’s going for, he’s fucking nailing it.

how many times do i have to say it?

Yesterday, when I went to pick up Jackson from his dad’s house, my ex came out and chatted with me for a bit. He was clearly bored and lonely, which makes sense, so I indulged it. It was mostly fine, except:

I was listening to DMB Radio (duh) and he asked me how I felt about not getting to see them this year and maybe not next year either due to covid/social distancing. I explained that I’m particularly upset, given the terminal nature of my cancer, since I have no way of knowing if I will even be around to see them on the next tour, so I am really fucking sad.

To which he responded, “Wait…terminal? So there’s no hope?” Like this is the first fucking time he’s hearing about it.

News Flash: IT FUCKING ISN’T.

It isn’t just him. Most people do this. I explain to them that metastatic breast cancer has no cure. That treatment ends when I die. I will stay alive as long as the meds can keep the disease at bay, but that eventually I will lose the battle. I have explained it over and over and over again, and it is so fucking frustrating to have to explain it multiple times to the same fucking people. My ex isn’t an idiot. He has heard me say the words more than once. I just don’t get the problem here. Maybe he’s in denial?

When randoms tell me shit like, “You’re going to beat this just like last time,” I let it slide. But this is the father of my child. He needs to understand the situation we find ourselves in.

I don’t have an issue with people hoping for a miracle – that maybe I’ll be in that 1% of people who get to NED and live a normal life span. But if you’re trying to be in my inner circle, I need you to understand what we are dealing with here. (And he is by default in the inner circle since he’s the father of my child). People want to know how they can support me. This is how.

I ended that part of the conversation by being as blunt as possible, “It is unlikely I will still be alive five years from now.” So hopefully that got his attention this time.

It may not sound like it from the tone of this post, but I continue to be grateful to have such a great support group with people who really do get it. My husband. Our friends, particularly Carrie, Annie, Chris, and Jess.

it’s driving me crazy

Why does my ex call me ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

What can’t he catch a fucking hint?

I don’t answer the phone initially, but he just calls over and over and over until I’m finally like OMFG fine…WHAT????

It is almost never anything important. And he starts the conversation with, “We need to talk,” which makes my fucking blood boil. No, we do not need to talk. You just want to talk.

It’s annoying as fuck, and it makes my husband super ragey, which I totally understand. If Karen was calling D all the fucking time just to talk about stupid shit, I would also be pissed. G thinks every little thing that comes up is worthy of a 45 minute phone conversation. He just loves hearing himself talk. In fact, I’ve met few people more in love with the sound of their own fucking voice.

And, honestly, with everything going on in the world, and in my personal life, I am not even a little bit interested in hearing all of his “woe is me yet i’m the hero America needs” bullshit.

This ends my divorce rant. Thank you for reading.

haha

Friday night dinner date: new recipe night (x3)

Appetizer:

Stuffed mushrooms. These turned out really well. So delicious.

The main course:

Chicken Modiga with roasted garlic parmesan broccoli and a simple Italian salad.

Next time we will modify this recipe to pound and pan fry the chicken, which is how I’ve always had it in the past (at STL restaurants – this seems to be a local dish). Our recipe called for baking, which just wasn’t as good. The sauce was dead on and absolutely delicious, however.

I know I say this almost every time, but I love these cooking date nights. Last night, we were discussing how different this marriage is from our previous ones – how much more fulfilling. Even little things like cooking together bring us so much joy. As D noted: it was like lightning struck when we met. It was meant to be. Neither of us can imagine it being better than this. It might seem weird, but our recent sexual exploits are just making it even clearer. We are having a blast, but it reminds us that we are each other’s people. (And our sex has been insanely good lately. There’s no red waste over here).

Sorry…now I’m gushing and it’s coming off as bragging. But really we just click in a way I never thought possible. ❤️

After dinner, we skipped to season 4 of Voyager and watched the first few Seven of Nine episodes in preparation for Picard starting next week. I’m into season 4, so I imagine we will keep watching.

***

Just the other night, we were having dinner with the kids, doing our normal banter, and Freya exclaimed, “This table is magical!” The kids have mentioned often, though Freya more so, that they love family dinner time, and the topics of conversation. D and I engage with the kids openly and freely on all topics. Freya in particular tends to come hang out with us while we cook so that she can listen to our back and forth. She’s learned a lot! Haha. Anyway…that’s just something I’m really loving right now. ❤️❤️