jenn goes bonker balls: a ramble

I’m on my laptop, and that always feels like a good excuse to update the blog. Typing is just so much easier on a full size keyboard. I’m old school. And…old. haha

Lots of stuff going on this week. Tonight is Jackson’s choir concert. The entire fam, plus Annie, will be going to that. I have invited my ex to sit with us, and it will be interesting to see if he accepts that invitation. It has been over ten years since we split, but he still holds a big time grudge against D, so that makes things quite awkward. However, my ex visited me in the hospital last month (when he brought Jackson up) and he actually said “take it easy” to D as he left. So that was def progress. My ex likes my bestie, so she will be a good buffer. I just really need G (my ex) and D to be able to talk to each other. Once I’m gone, they are going to have to communicate somewhat extensively. D is the trustee of Jackson’s trust, and there is going to be a lot of stuff to hash out over the years. I worry about this a lot. I’m a control freak, and so I am trying to control the future, which I obviously cannot do. All I can do is try to set things up to go as smoothly as possible. The rest is out of my hands. This has been a tough pill to swallow. Anyway send good vibes for tonight. LOL.

In the same “worried control freak mom” vein: both of my kids are having friendship issues right now and are struggling socially. I know this is totally normal and will pass. I also know that it drives me crazy that I can’t fix it for them. I hate seeing them suffer. And I keep thinking worst case scenario stuff like: what if I die and they have no friends to support them? Right now I’m Freya’s confidant, so what happens when I’m not around to fill that role anymore? What happens when I’m not around to be the mediator between Jackson and his dad? Who will Jackson open up to about his feelings when I’m not around to prod him? I know they worry about these things too. UGH – worry, anxiety, sadness…I’m trying to fight back, but it feels like that’s the atmosphere around here lately. And really – why wouldn’t it be? That’s totally normal given what we have going on. It’s a suck.

But I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. Death is a normal part of life. They were always going to grow up and move on. I was always going to be come less important in their lives. They will be absolutely fine. They will thrive. I can die knowing I’ve set them up to be emotionally and financially stable.

Then I start to worry about D. And that is an entire other thing. So much worry and sadness. I don’t want to get into that right now. I don’t want to spend my day crying over shit I cannot change.

This ended up being a trauma dump, which was not my original intent, but maybe it’s a good thing. It’s good to get the feels out, and that is always how I’ve used this blog. Why stop now? Anyway – what I was originally going to talk about is how this is a busy day/week, and I’m happy with how it’s going so far. I’m feeling okay-ish. Enough so that I got some errands done this morning. I’m excited about tonight, and plan to take the fam out for dinner after the concert. Looking forward to having that time together.

I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by everything going on this week (especially this weekend – yikes). It’s nice to have stuff planned, and to feel like a (somewhat) normal person just enjoying the holiday season. One big thing happening this weekend is we are having a photographer come out on Saturday morning to take some family pics. This is really important to me, and I’m hopeful we will get some great shots. But then we are having our holiday party with our besties on Saturday night – so it’s just a lot. (Oh and D’s work holiday party on Friday night / Freya’s choir concert. Busy fucking weekend).

It’s going to be fine! Deep breaths. Enjoy the ride.

It’s been 18 years…

On this day, 18 years ago, I got married to my now ex-husband.

We were just two young kids who had no business getting married, but we were dumb and in love. So we made it work for a while.

We’ve been divorced for 10 years now. It’s weird how no matter how much time has passed, this date will always be special to me.

I’ll never regret the time we spent together. Especially because it gave me my son.

Random af

I had a dream about D’s ex-wife last night – that we became besties and started wearing each other’s clothes. It’s interesting, because we actually have a lot of the same clothes. Lol. Great minds!! ❤️

it has been eight years

When my ex-husband arrives to pick up our child, he honks his horn twice to indicate he has arrived, since he cannot be bothered to come to the door – even after all these years – because he is still all fucking butt hurt about the divorce/Dave. Let me tell you – that sound grates on my fucking nerves and induces rage every single time, so if that’s what he’s going for, he’s fucking nailing it.

how many times do i have to say it?

Yesterday, when I went to pick up Jackson from his dad’s house, my ex came out and chatted with me for a bit. He was clearly bored and lonely, which makes sense, so I indulged it. It was mostly fine, except:

I was listening to DMB Radio (duh) and he asked me how I felt about not getting to see them this year and maybe not next year either due to covid/social distancing. I explained that I’m particularly upset, given the terminal nature of my cancer, since I have no way of knowing if I will even be around to see them on the next tour, so I am really fucking sad.

To which he responded, “Wait…terminal? So there’s no hope?” Like this is the first fucking time he’s hearing about it.


It isn’t just him. Most people do this. I explain to them that metastatic breast cancer has no cure. That treatment ends when I die. I will stay alive as long as the meds can keep the disease at bay, but that eventually I will lose the battle. I have explained it over and over and over again, and it is so fucking frustrating to have to explain it multiple times to the same fucking people. My ex isn’t an idiot. He has heard me say the words more than once. I just don’t get the problem here. Maybe he’s in denial?

When randoms tell me shit like, “You’re going to beat this just like last time,” I let it slide. But this is the father of my child. He needs to understand the situation we find ourselves in.

I don’t have an issue with people hoping for a miracle – that maybe I’ll be in that 1% of people who get to NED and live a normal life span. But if you’re trying to be in my inner circle, I need you to understand what we are dealing with here. (And he is by default in the inner circle since he’s the father of my child). People want to know how they can support me. This is how.

I ended that part of the conversation by being as blunt as possible, “It is unlikely I will still be alive five years from now.” So hopefully that got his attention this time.

It may not sound like it from the tone of this post, but I continue to be grateful to have such a great support group with people who really do get it. My husband. Our friends, particularly Carrie, Annie, Chris, and Jess.

it’s driving me crazy

Why does my ex call me ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

What can’t he catch a fucking hint?

I don’t answer the phone initially, but he just calls over and over and over until I’m finally like OMFG fine…WHAT????

It is almost never anything important. And he starts the conversation with, “We need to talk,” which makes my fucking blood boil. No, we do not need to talk. You just want to talk.

It’s annoying as fuck, and it makes my husband super ragey, which I totally understand. If Karen was calling D all the fucking time just to talk about stupid shit, I would also be pissed. G thinks every little thing that comes up is worthy of a 45 minute phone conversation. He just loves hearing himself talk. In fact, I’ve met few people more in love with the sound of their own fucking voice.

And, honestly, with everything going on in the world, and in my personal life, I am not even a little bit interested in hearing all of his “woe is me yet i’m the hero America needs” bullshit.

This ends my divorce rant. Thank you for reading.