my cub scout

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My kiddo finally joined the cub scouts this year, and he is so excited. It’s really adorable. I’m annoyed that I had to work so hard to convince my ex to let him do it. I’ve been trying for years. He has his reasons why he’s against it, but they are all stupid reasons in my opinion. Mostly, he’s just fucking lazy.  I’m also annoyed with myself that I didn’t just sign him up back in kindergarten. The only reason he’s even doing it now is because I finally decided/realized that I don’t need his dad’s permission to enroll him in clubs/activities. I’m not asking him to be a part of it. If he doesn’t want to do this stuff with his kid then that is his decision and he will be the one who lives with the consequences.

Anyway, we went to pick up his uniform and stuff last night and he was so excited to try it on. We have a meeting tomorrow night and it’s all he’s been talking about. I’m so happy for him. He’s taking it very seriously and is excited to start earning badges.

I keep trying, and failing, to find the right words to describe how I’m feeling about the current state of our co-parenting relationships with the exes. I write it out and then draft it, because it’s never quite right.

The closest I can come is that it is the emotional equivalent of being made to walk on broken glass when you are the one who smashed the vase. And no matter how hard you try to glue the pieces back together, it always shatters again. But you have to keep trying until you fix it. And so you keep walking around, picking up the pieces, and keep getting cut. Over and over and over. This is your punishment.

sigh

It hurts my heart when I see either kid struggling with the issues that pop up from having divorced parents. I wish I could fix it, but all I can do is give hugs, and tell them that we all love them so very much.

It tends to get sticky on weeks like this one where we have one kid all week and so then the other kid feels left out when they’re not here with all of us.

I’d have them both here all the time if I could.

down the rabbit hole

This song came on earlier and it reminded me of a conversation D and I had back when we started talking seriously about moving in together. We were both on the same page; that being that there is no way in hell we will put these kids through another divorce, so we needed to be certain that blending our families was something we wanted to do.

I won’t say that it wasn’t without its rough patches, but it really wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. We have been incredibly fortunate with how well our little blended family works. We are a happy, well adjusted family.  I am forever grateful.

This song makes me sad, though. Whenever I hear it, I inevitably think about my own childhood. I used to desperately hope and pray that my parents would get a divorce, because our home life was miserable and awful.

Oh and this song seemed to play a lot during my divorce. It’s one of those songs I never noticed until it was relevant to my situation and then it was EVERYWHERE.

Some stuff has happened recently that’s had me thinking about the influence step-parents have on their step-children. We can’t ever really know in what ways we’ve impacted the development of our children’s personalities (nature vs nurture and all that), but I can see the positive impact D has had on Jackson, and I’m grateful for it. It’s an influence that would have otherwise been lacking in his life, and I believe he’s better for having it. I can only hope I’m making a similar positive impact in Freya’s life.

I also wonder how the other parents view these relationships. Is it difficult for them? Also what impact will their potential future spouses/partners have on the kids? How will D and I feel about that? I have yet to be jealous of Jackson’s interactions with my ex’s gf but will that change if things get more serious between them?

Development is such an interesting topic. I love watching these kids grow up and transition into mini adults.

**this post brought to you by hour three of insomnia.

jenn is pissy as fuck

I miss the kids. This will be the third weekend without Freya and the second without Jackson. We still have two more to go after this. I am not amused. I’m biting my tongue and keeping the rest of this paragraph to myself.

I had a client show up in court today and act like a fool, so that was fun. The shit she was saying didn’t even make sense. These people are the reason I drink. There is no explaining something complicated to someone who is stupid, entitled, and an asshole. I tried though, only to be told that I am incompetent. When I concede (because why argue it?) and respond with: then I’ll withdraw from your case since I suck at my job, I get yelled at with, “YOU CAN’T ABANDON ME!!!” Why would you want someone incompetent to work for you? This makes no sense to me. You don’t get to have it both ways.

And then there are the grown ass men who have to be babysat. Who actually don’t know how to do their jobs, but think they are the masters of the fucking universe, and are constantly mansplaining things. These are the same people who are passive aggressive bitches about fucking everything under the sun. I want to cut these people.

Person. I mean person.

*insert middle finger here*