I got a sad text from my ex about wanting a pic of Jackson in his suit but without the rest of us in the pic. It wasn’t rude or anything. He was apologetic about it and indicated that he’s not emotionally ready to see the four of us together, especially under these circumstances, but that he really wants to see Jackson. I get it. But now I’m sort of bummed. This is the only part of our situation that I hate. He’s hurting. She probably is too. 

I made my bed a long time ago though, and now I’ve gotta lie in it. I’m happy to do so, and I wouldn’t change it, but I’m human so I do empathize with how they must be feeling as this weekend approaches. 

final countdown

Something has slowly dawned on me over the last couple of days:

I was never this excited about my first wedding. 

Let me explain. 

The thought first occurred to me on Thursday while D and I were getting our marriage license. Even spending an entire morning doing government paperwork was fun with him. We laughed. I cried happy tears when we took the oath. We both took pics and shared our happiness on social media. It felt easy and fun…special. Afterwards, we went to lunch at one of our favorite places and gushed to each other about how happy and excited we were. 

When my ex and I went to get our marriage license, he complained all morning, made us late because he insisted on going to the bookstore first, and kept telling me stories about random strippers he had encountered in Las Vegas. He bitched and moaned about everything he possibly could and generally just acted like an ass. Even our friends were embarrassed by his behavior. We ended up getting into a huge fight and I remember pushing all kinds of bad thoughts to the back of my mind, thinking: just get it done. 

It occurred to me again yesterday, after receiving and freaking out over photos of my wedding shoes, just how much more into this wedding I am. When D got home, I squealed, showing him the pics while doing a happy dance, and he didn’t make me feel stupid about it. He didn’t trivialize my excitement or turn the moment into something about him. It may seem insignificant, but I promise you that it is not to me. 

This realization has made me a bit sad. I feel guilty. I feel like these feelings trivialize a 15 year relationship, which isn’t my intention at all. Additionally, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy on my last wedding day, because I was. Of course I was. However, it’s impossible to ignore the stark contrast, and I guess I just needed to get it out so that I can accept the feelings for what they are and move on from it. Because in a way I’m putting that relationship to bed, finally. The mourning period is finally coming to an end. What is done is done and it’s time to let it go. In seven days, I will marry the love of my life, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. This is exactly the way it should feel. I deserve this. 

I’m so fucking happy. 

One week! 

So this happened…

My ex came out while I was waiting for Jackson to get off the bus. Later, they were talking and Jackson mentioned how white his dad’s beard has gotten, to which the ex replied: 

Yeah I tell people how your mom made all my hair fall out and then another girl I loved made the beard turn white. Women! What can you do? 

Me: 😐😐😐 Okay let’s go…

the second wife

This article hits home for me.

6 Truths About Being The Second Wife

Especially this:

Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. There are seriously complicated stunts involved– trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife.

Just a few weeks ago, D and I were chatting with Freya via FaceTime regarding her leg injury. Unexpectedly, his ex stepped into the frame and the two of them starting getting a bit snippy with one another. I turned around and left the room without saying anything, because I knew it wasn’t my place to be involved in that conversation. It’s not the first time it has happened, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Such is life as the second wife. Hey, that rhymed!

Hang

I’m going to see Matchbox Twenty & Counting Crows tonight with friends and I’m really looking forward to it. In preparation for the concert, I listened to M20 on my way down to the office this morning. A song I hadn’t heard in a very long time came on and it instantly transported me to 1998, sitting in my (now) ex’s dorm room, while he sang the song to me. It blindsided me and I got a bit upset, because the memory is bittersweet; especially given the lyrics of the song and where we ended up. Anyway, it looks like it’s on the set list for this tour, so hopefully I don’t lose my shit when they play it. Everything makes me cry nowadays. Ugh.

You’ve gotta take the good with the bad. The good memories I’ll recall tonight will far outweigh the bad/sad, and I am excited to spend a fun filled evening with my old school peeps.

xoxo