Thursday thoughts (it’s Thursday right?)

I’m taking a chill approach to the day. My first appointment is at 11, so I’m still at home. Starting slow. Going to shower in a bit.

I gave Jackson the option of skipping camp and coming to work with me, which he immediately accepted.

Speaking of camp, it’s a touchy subject for us (me and D) right now. I originally wanted to enroll Jackson into the normal day camp, which has hours from 6 to 6. Perfect for me, because I don’t have set hours. My ex argued and argued for this different schedule we’re doing now, where the camps and hours change every week. He thought it would be better for Jackson, and guilted me into it. He promised me he would cover pickups and drop offs when my schedule wouldn’t allow me to accommodate it. For example, camp this week runs from 8:45 to noon. I can’t leave work every day at noon and drive 20 miles to get Jackson.

Fast forward to yesterday, aka day three of camp. Suddenly he’s not sure he can make it happen, because he doesn’t have any gas money. He has money to go party with his friends on the weekend, and go out to eat, and buy video games, but not to pick up our kid – something he has already agreed to do. I am fucking livid.

I have some not very nice things I’d like to say regarding the reason he doesn’t have any money, but I’m going to bite my tongue.

Grrrrrrrrr.

I’m about to cancel the entire fucking thing.

Oh and shit like this…this is why we aren’t married anymore. This lazy, unemployed yet ridiculously entitled, selfish, always a victim, bullshit.

Oops. Guess I didn’t bite hard enough. Lol.

D and I have had serious discussions about just going for full custody. The only reason I don’t is because it’s not in Jackson’s best interest (emotionally).

Ugh. Whatever.

I really am in a decent mood – despite how this post reads. I’m just annoyed as fuck regarding this one situation.

A word of advice: don’t get married in your 20s.

an artifact from another life

We moved some furniture around tonight, and this fell from one of the drawers of an old table D brought from his previous marriage. It’s weird, and also kind of interesting, to remember that we were both doing something entirely different once upon a time. We feel so removed from all of that now, but those relationships helped shape us, and gave us these amazing kids. I’m grateful for all of that.

I can honestly say that I regret none of it. I’d do it again over and over and over to get to this same place.

Listen

I wish my ex-husband would actually hear me when we talk about why we split up.

He blames the entire thing on D, and so he despises him, like can’t even look at him. Last night, at Jackson’s event, G was there with his gf and mom, and once again requested that D, F, and I sit as far away as possible and not approach him. Jackson had to visit us first and only then go over to his dad who waiting as far away as he could get. I always get a call from G before any event asking if D will be there. This has been going on for seven years now.

I know he has the right to feel however he feels. But it’s obvious to me that he blames D because otherwise he’d have to be mad at me. He says that D manipulated me and took advantage of me when I was vulnerable, and that’s why all this happened.

I want to be clear about something: that is 100% not the case. I played an active roll in this betrayal. I wanted it. D wanted to tell them we had fallen in love and try to figure it out. I’m the one who wanted to keep it a secret. I’m the one who broke my marriage vows to G. I’m the one who was unhappy and had been looking for an out. I’m the one he should really be mad at, and until he works through that shit, we can never really make progress.

Does it really matter if he can’t ever get it together to be cordial with D? I think it matters to Jackson. I think we should all try to get along for his sake. I think it’s going to matter more and more as the years go on.

I’ve had this conversation with him several times over the years, but he just won’t listen. He doesn’t want to hear it. I can live with it, and so can D – we knew there would be consequences. I just wish G would allow himself to let go of that hatred so that he could truly heal.

D’s ex said something recently that stuck with me. She said, “It’s never been about you, it’s him,” meaning he’s the one she’s angry with. She certainly has every right to be angry with me too, and I’m sure she is on some level, and definitely was back in the day I know, but she should be mostly mad at him; just like G should be mostly mad at me.

Just be mad at me. It’s okay. I can take it.