Today used to be my wedding anniversary. It took me until 10:30 am to realize it, but, to be fair, it was the first thing that came to mind as soon as I saw today’s date. I’m not sad. It’s just sort of weird. I hope he’s not sad either. The strangest part of all is that I’m in the middle of planning a second wedding. I hope that someday he will be doing the same.
So I’m still reading I Am That Girl and this current chapter very much speaks to an experience I myself have had: loss of self in a relationship.
When I was with my ex, I changed so much of myself to be the person I thought he wanted me to be and/or that I needed to be to make the relationship work. I realized to some extent that it was happening, but I thought that was simply what being in a relationship was all about. It wasn’t until after our split that I realized just how much of myself I had pushed aside to be a part of a couple. I gave up so many things: personal style, decorating style, hobbies, friends. I watched shows and movies I didn’t care about. I stopped watching shows and movies I did care about. I had to listen to his music all the time. I had to do what he wanted. He didn’t like to go out, so we didn’t go out. All these little things added up over time, and in the end all of those little paper cuts were the death of our relationship.
It has been a little over five years since we split up, and I am so pleased with the person I have become. It felt like a rebirth. I’m free to be me…finally, and I’ve realized that being just Jenn is pretty fucking awesome; that people love me for who I am. I regained myself, and by doing so I am a much better partner to D than I would have been otherwise. He doesn’t want someone who bends to his every whim. That’s boring as shit! He loves me for who I am. He takes the good with the bad. I feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who loves me for the unique person that I am…the non-filtered Jenn.
Don’t change yourself to be what you think someone else wants you to be. Be true to yourself, love yourself, and this will not only make you a happier person, but also a better partner.
My bff and I are both step-moms to-be, and it’s so great to be able to support each other on this journey. We can laugh, vent, and cry together over shared experiences, as well as share advice about the hard parts. I’m so grateful to be sharing this experience with her. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. ❤️
My ex has spent his afternoon/evening making me feel like a piece of shit, so that has been fun. I’m a bad parent. I’m a bad person. I abandon people.
❤️I’m in a group text with D and his ex regarding their daughter who is often in my care…so it makes sense and I’m pleased to be in the loop. BUT…there’s something still slightly triggering whenever I see their names next to each other like that: David & Karen – that’s what it says when I open the text thread and with their pics right next to one another. Like a couple. 5 1/2 years in, with a wedding 3 months away, and little things like that can still occasionally spark an emotional reaction. Aren’t emotions the worst sometimes?
❤️I’m certain this reaction stems from the first year of our relationship where I was convinced he would go back to her, despite his reassurances that it would never happen. Whenever we split up (and there were a few break ups before we got it right) that’s where my head would always go. “Oh he’ll take the easy road of mediocrity instead of the rocky road that leads to great happiness.” I’m so thankful I was wrong.
❤️I think of that situation whenever I hear the song Back to Black by Amy Winehouse, which always reduces me to tears. Sucks too because it’s a favorite of mine. I got drunk and sang it when it came on at last year’s Halloween party; then cried on my bestie’s shoulder. Lol
❤️Another somewhat related and similarly petty truth? Once a couple of years back, a friend of Dave’s commented on a pic of his, “Didn’t ex-wife teach you how to take a proper selfie?” This was well after their divorce and it really pissed me off. I held the grudge all the way up to a few months ago when we met her and her husband for dinner.
❤️And finally, a related but not at all petty, truth. I feel this one in my bones. I’ll always and forever be jealous that I won’t have a child with Dave but she did. I love our lifestyle and I know that a baby would change everything. Rationally, I don’t want that. But…
thanks for reading
to be included on group texts with D and his ex about Frey. Still though…this progress is good. Even if we seem to be taking steps backwards in other areas, like the fact that I’m blocked again on Facebook. I’m not sure what I did, but *shrug* Guess I can’t really blame her for not needing a constant reminder of my existence (we have kind of a lot of mutuals). Haha. Even though I’m awesome and shit. 😂
My ex never unblocked me on Facebook. I have him blocked on Instagram because he never unfriended me there and it felt weird. I want to be able to post what I want without hurting his feelings, ya know?