Listen

I wish my ex-husband would actually hear me when we talk about why we split up.

He blames the entire thing on D, and so he despises him, like can’t even look at him. Last night, at Jackson’s event, G was there with his gf and mom, and once again requested that D, F, and I sit as far away as possible and not approach him. Jackson had to visit us first and only then go over to his dad who waiting as far away as he could get. I always get a call from G before any event asking if D will be there. This has been going on for seven years now.

I know he has the right to feel however he feels. But it’s obvious to me that he blames D because otherwise he’d have to be mad at me. He says that D manipulated me and took advantage of me when I was vulnerable, and that’s why all this happened.

I want to be clear about something: that is 100% not the case. I played an active roll in this betrayal. I wanted it. D wanted to tell them we had fallen in love and try to figure it out. I’m the one who wanted to keep it a secret. I’m the one who broke my marriage vows to G. I’m the one who was unhappy and had been looking for an out. I’m the one he should really be mad at, and until he works through that shit, we can never really make progress.

Does it really matter if he can’t ever get it together to be cordial with D? I think it matters to Jackson. I think we should all try to get along for his sake. I think it’s going to matter more and more as the years go on.

I’ve had this conversation with him several times over the years, but he just won’t listen. He doesn’t want to hear it. I can live with it, and so can D – we knew there would be consequences. I just wish G would allow himself to let go of that hatred so that he could truly heal.

D’s ex said something recently that stuck with me. She said, “It’s never been about you, it’s him,” meaning he’s the one she’s angry with. She certainly has every right to be angry with me too, and I’m sure she is on some level, and definitely was back in the day I know, but she should be mostly mad at him; just like G should be mostly mad at me.

Just be mad at me. It’s okay. I can take it.

I’ve got you

I love taking care of my husband when he gets too drunk.

That probably seems weird to some (most?) people, but it’s true. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m happy to leave wherever we are as soon as he says he’s had too much, drive him home, get him undressed, and safely into bed. Give him three Thive+ tablets, two Advil, and a big glass of water. Tell him I love him and soothe him to sleep.

I remember when I was with G (my ex-husband) and how he would shame me every time I got too drunk. He was so brutal that he had me thinking I had a legitimate drinking problem; when really I was just blowing off steam. I remember the night I found out I passed the bar exam: we went out with a few friends and I really cut loose, which I like to think was completely understandable under the circumstances. But apparently not, because he shit talked me for days. I sucked. I was an alcoholic. And a bad wife. And selfish. And it went on and on. All because I had too many drinks in celebration of a huge fucking achievement: you know…passing the fucking bar exam, and got spinny and nauseated as a result. I never ever forgot the way he made me feel, and I promised myself I’d never make anyone else feel shitty for getting too drunk. Getting yelled at while you’re throwing up is the fucking worst. Who does that to someone they supposedly love??

I remember the first time I got too drunk around D. It was during our first summer together. I got super defensive because I just assumed he would be shitty to me because of it, and as a result, I was unintentionally shitty to him. That was a huge relationship milestone for us. That night was my first significant indication that maybe I could relax around him. It feels good to know you’re safe and taken care of no matter what. I want D, my kids, and my friends to always know I’ve got them. No matter what.

mom stuff

My ex is likely to be annoyed af when he wakes up and sees the six reminders I have sent him related to Jackson’s various activities. But I can’t count on him to remember, so…

This reminds me…I need to send an email to D’s ex so that I can get some dates from her. I have some summer scheduling to do.

Keeping up with these kids’ schedules is like a part-time job all by itself.

Did I mention that Jackson wants to go to the week long cub scouts sleepaway camp this summer? Well he does, and I got his dad on board, so I guess I just need to get him registered. But fuck…my baby is growing up. *cries* I know this is going to be such a good experience for him though.

Oh and Miss Freya is going away for like 3 WEEKS to do a summer program at Truman State! Her preferred slot will have her away for her 13th birthday. She asked me several months ago if I thought that was acceptable, and I told her about how I spent my 13th birthday at a summer camp too.  I never regretted it. We will celebrate her birthday when she gets home. But damn I’m going to miss the hell out of her.

They’re growing up too fast, but I do so love the privilege of being a part of it.

trapped

We often find ourselves without the shit most married people have accumulated by this point: like super tall ladders, certain tools, and, most importantly right now — a snow shovel.

When you get divorced, you lose a lot of your stuff. Especially when you’re the one who initiates the split. It’s easier to just let them have the stuff; you’ve caused enough damage. It takes time to recover from that…to rebuild. But you tend to forget about shit until you actually need it: like the snow shovel.

To be fair, I don’t think my ex and I ever owned a snow shovel (or a ladder for that matter). We were not those practical kind of people, and we rented, so there was no place to put such things. My husband certainly did, but now it belongs to his ex-wife. So we have no snow shovel here, which means there is no way to get out of here until the snow melts, and it won’t be above freezing until Tuesday. 🤣

I guess we will be borrowing one from the neighbors.

Or maybe we will just say cooped up in the house indefinitely. I can certainly think of worst things. ❤️

I’m just going to say it

Because fuck it.

I’m sitting in the parking lot at the orthodontist’s office, and I need to vent.

Guess who couldn’t be bothered to show up today? Yep…Jackson’s dad. I mean I’m not surprised or anything, but I am angry and disappointed. It’s bad enough I have to carry the financial burden on my own, and the time burden too; since despite the fact that he’s unemployed, I can’t trust him to get Jackson where he needs to be. I’m just extremely fucking frustrated right now and I needed to put it out into the world. So here it is.

Ugh.

smh

So apparently when D and I were talking about moving in together, we were supposed to tell the exes right away, and failing to tell them immediately (8 months in advance) turned into a whole fucking thing.

But sure…just move someone in and don’t mention it to us. That’s cool. I forgot about the double standard. 👍🏻

D said…

I thought about changing the lyrics to “Freya’s mom has got it going on” and it didn’t even occur to me until later that I wouldn’t have been singing about you.

Awwww. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I feel that way a lot too actually. The four of us have such an amazing family dynamic going that it’s easy to forget sometimes that it’s not just about us. They have their other lives with the other parents.