a reminder

Yesterday, while chatting with my ex at the bus stop, I was reminded of how pleased I am to never have to do any of the following ever again:

  • Go to a comic book store.
  • Read a graphic novel.
  • Watch some shitty comic book based movie or show.
  • Go to a comic book convention.

It still feels so fucking good. God damn I hate that shit. Even when it was “good” it was still a fucking chore. I spent years of my life tolerating enduring it.

This is one of those things I have an intensely irrational hatred for. I’m aware of it, and I’m okay with it.

I’m done

Tiptoeing around the exes, particularly my ex’s, feelings.

Why now? Well…

Today my ex texted me about Halloween. He’s clearly not happy about the fact that I’m being a hard ass about it this year. My son is trick-or-treating at my house. It’s my night. He’s never been able to do so over here before because I always give in to my ex not wanting to have to interact with D. But not this time. Not anymore.

I invited him, his mom, and his gf to come over to be a part of things. It doesn’t have to be weird. We need to move past all this. I told him as much. He’s being weird about it, of course, and he’s clearly not pleased, but you know what…

I don’t care.

I’m putting my foot down.

You have been with this gf for over two years now. You’ve talked about moving in together. We’ve been apart for almost 6 1/2 years. I’ve been married to someone else for a year now. It’s time to move the fuck on from all this bullshit. And, if you can’t, then that is now officially your problem. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore. I’m done with all that. It’s like a gift to myself: let it go because his happiness (and also K’s happiness) is not my problem. You make your own happy, after all. It’s like a flip finally switched in my brain, and it feels good. Really fucking good.

So I’m going to treat both the exes like normal fucking adults who can either work with us or work against us when it comes to issues with the kids. I’m not going to take it personally or feel guilty if stuff doesn’t work out. I mean…if you want to miss out on time with your kid because you’d rather be petty then that’s your decision. If you want to be difficult because your feelings are hurt over shit that happened in 2012, then that’s your prerogative. Good luck with all that. Be a victim forever. Sounds like a great way to live. 🙄

*shrugs*

I saw my ex-MIL yesterday when I dropped Jackson off after the birthday party. She had to put her two 16-year-old dogs down yesterday morning, so she was obviously quite upset when I arrived. I gave her a hug and chatted with her a bit. I still care about her very much. She’s a good person.

Anyway it got me thinking that she is likely to be the only real mother-in-law relationship I’ll ever have, since D’s parents are the way they are. I still haven’t met them or ever even spoken to them. It’s fine. It’s not like I really feel like I’m missing out or anything, and it’s not like I’m even sad about it. It was just something I started thinking about on my drive home. She sounds awful, tbh. They both do. I do find it funny, however, that they’re still all butt hurt about a divorce that nobody else even seems to care about anymore. For fuck’s sake, D’s ex was chatting with us in our kitchen just the other day! If she can move on, why can’t they?

Idk, man. People are fucking weird.

my cub scout

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My kiddo finally joined the cub scouts this year, and he is so excited. It’s really adorable. I’m annoyed that I had to work so hard to convince my ex to let him do it. I’ve been trying for years. He has his reasons why he’s against it, but they are all stupid reasons in my opinion. Mostly, he’s just fucking lazy.  I’m also annoyed with myself that I didn’t just sign him up back in kindergarten. The only reason he’s even doing it now is because I finally decided/realized that I don’t need his dad’s permission to enroll him in clubs/activities. I’m not asking him to be a part of it. If he doesn’t want to do this stuff with his kid then that is his decision and he will be the one who lives with the consequences.

Anyway, we went to pick up his uniform and stuff last night and he was so excited to try it on. We have a meeting tomorrow night and it’s all he’s been talking about. I’m so happy for him. He’s taking it very seriously and is excited to start earning badges.

I keep trying, and failing, to find the right words to describe how I’m feeling about the current state of our co-parenting relationships with the exes. I write it out and then draft it, because it’s never quite right.

The closest I can come is that it is the emotional equivalent of being made to walk on broken glass when you are the one who smashed the vase. And no matter how hard you try to glue the pieces back together, it always shatters again. But you have to keep trying until you fix it. And so you keep walking around, picking up the pieces, and keep getting cut. Over and over and over. This is your punishment.

sigh

It hurts my heart when I see either kid struggling with the issues that pop up from having divorced parents. I wish I could fix it, but all I can do is give hugs, and tell them that we all love them so very much.

It tends to get sticky on weeks like this one where we have one kid all week and so then the other kid feels left out when they’re not here with all of us.

I’d have them both here all the time if I could.

down the rabbit hole

This song came on earlier and it reminded me of a conversation D and I had back when we started talking seriously about moving in together. We were both on the same page; that being that there is no way in hell we will put these kids through another divorce, so we needed to be certain that blending our families was something we wanted to do.

I won’t say that it wasn’t without its rough patches, but it really wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. We have been incredibly fortunate with how well our little blended family works. We are a happy, well adjusted family.  I am forever grateful.

This song makes me sad, though. Whenever I hear it, I inevitably think about my own childhood. I used to desperately hope and pray that my parents would get a divorce, because our home life was miserable and awful.

Oh and this song seemed to play a lot during my divorce. It’s one of those songs I never noticed until it was relevant to my situation and then it was EVERYWHERE.