truthful tuesday: a list post

  • I like Amy Schumer and idgaf.
  • I hate my current haircut. I think my stylist did a shitty job.
  • And I think I’m being too much of a scared little bitch to do what I really want with my hair because I’m worried I need to look a certain way on my wedding day. (I want to chop it all off like right now and go back to my short, jet black, pixie hair).
  • I bought my mom a Mother’s Day card for the first time in years. Now I just need to mail it off.
  • I’ll feel lucky if my ex even remembers to have Jackson give me/make me a card for Mother’s Day.
  • It feels sort of weird to be in a position where I’m helping my step-daughter pick out and buy presents for her mom for Mother’s Day. And even weirder that I’m strangely excited about helping out with it.
  • That said, I think Mother’s Day is a stupid holiday that makes a lot of people feel bad needlessly. Not all of us have good relationships with our mothers. Not all of us have living mothers. That’s important to remember.
  • For example, I offered to buy D a card to send to his mom and he declined. Given what I know about the situation, I can’t blame him, but I know he will feel a little shitty about things on Sunday and that makes me sad for him.
  • This weekend is my bestie’s birthday. We are going out tonight for dinner. I have yet to buy her any gifts. I’m probably going to get her a fat gift card to Ulta and call it a day.
  • Her birthday always reminds me of getting separated, because it was on her birthday five years ago that the ex and I broke up. It also happened to be Mother’s Day. Double fucking whammy, right?
  • It was at her birthday party five years ago (the night before her actual b-day), that I took a good look at him and decided enough was enough. I simply couldn’t do it anymore.
  • It’s scary how much you can love somebody until you simply don’t anymore.
  • It’s also scary how much you can think you love somebody, until you find somebody else you love more, and then you feel confused about what your feelings really were. It’s a bit of a mind fuck.
  • All those little hurts add up, people. Don’t forget that.
  • This post is sort of dark, but I promise I’m actually in a pretty good mood.
  • Despite the fact that I’m probably going to get yelled at by the judge tomorrow morning.
  • Send booze, cake, and Xanax.

boring bullets

  • It’s raining again.
  • It better not rain this weekend. We have Microfest (beer festival) on Saturday and we are staying at a hotel in the city. We have many plans. Almost all of which involve being outside.
  • I need a fun, adult oriented weekend god dammit.
  • I have been in a bit of a reading funk recently. I’ve been in a bad headspace. I’m finally back to it. I finished a couple of books yesterday. Last night I (barely) started Into the Water by Paula Hawkins. She’s the author of The Girl On The Train. Just a couple more essays to go and I’ll be finished with One Day We’ll All Be Dead And None Of This Will Matter, which is really good btw.
  • I shouldn’t risk it, but if my knee continues to improve I’m going to do another 30DS tonight. (30 day shred workout). It’s hard on the knees, but it is so fucking effective.
  • I have a bunch of wedding appointments to make. I have emails about scheduling the engagement photo session and our menu tasting. I also need to email the lady about what cake flavors we want to try next weekend.  Oh and respond to the florist about setting up a consultation. And…I just want to hide under the blankets.
  • I’ve gotten really shitty about responding to texts.
  • I’m in this weird meh headspace. I just don’t give much of a shit about most stuff.
  • I think I’m going to read for a bit and then maybe watch a movie.
  • Sorry this post is so fucking boring.
  • xoxo

Things (in my head)

  • This is the worst part of every weekend. Fucking Sunday night anxiety. 
  • I took a sleeping pill. 
  • I’m feeling very unwell and have for most of the weekend. 
  • I enjoyed the Girls finale. The final scene made me cry. I identified with Hannah more than ever before in that last moment.
  • D and I have been watching that show for our entire relationship so it feels bittersweet that it’s over. 
  • But…House of Cards soon.
  • Dave is such a good DM. We had our best adventure ever on Saturday night. 
  • The kids are growing up too fast. 
  • Very bad body image day. 
  • I found a new horror author I really dig so now I’m going to read all her books in a row…obviously. 
  • D installed our bedroom ceiling fan and it has made a huge difference. I love it. 
  • We tried something new today: escape room. We did the mummy themed room and managed to make it out in less than the hour time limit. 
  • There’s a King Tut exhibit at the science center I want to go to soon. I may cut out of work early one day this week to go check it out. 
  • I’m feeling angsty. 
  • Clean sheets feel so amazing. 
  • We have a good thing going here. ❤

stuff that happened last night

  • sat at a bar drinking Sprite. i haven’t done that since i was a kid.
  • (yes, i sat at lots of bars as a kid. my childhood was…interesting.)
  • went to a favorite place for the first time in a while only to discover it has gone downhill. boo.
  • scallops with mushroom risotto and goat cheese cream for dinner. nom.
  • insomnia cookies. their s’mores cookie may be the tastiest cookie ever. i am so grateful to not live in their delivery area anymore. my waistline couldn’t handle it.
  • ran through the streets of the cwe in a dress and extremely uncomfortable flats. for reasons.
  • heard the chiming of the grandfather clock for the first time in months.
  • impulse shopped a lularoe pop-up after indulging in some herbal refreshment. the late night impulse shopping happens more than i’d like to admit.
  • business time. *insert winky face*
  • dmb live at piedmont park dvd.
  • talking and dreaming and planning with my gingy.
  • took a sleeping pill and passed the fuck out.

five for friday

  1. I watched the inauguration today. It was painful and it made me sad. And teary eyed. And panicky. That’s all I want to say about that right now.
  2. My pal, Kara, flew in from Denver today. We have had a fun day catching up. She’s in bed now so I have some alone time before D and I hang out.
  3. My business partner’s wife is the lead organizer for the women’s march in Saint Louis. Our firm donated (because duh) and our name is prominently displayed on the back of the event shirt, which is really fucking cool. Not so much because of publicity (though that is awesome) but just because I’m so proud to support such a vital protest.
  4. Tonight Frey told me that she has thought of me as her step-mom for a long time now, that she calls me such to her friends at school, and also tells them that I’m the best/coolest step-mom ever. I almost cried. My heart is so full, you guys.
  5. Social media is so nasty today. I wish people didn’t have to be so hateful. Both sides are guilty of this.

Happy October! 🎃

It’s my favorite month! ❤️

  • I have a goal of running a mile per day this month, so at least 31 miles total. I’m off to a good start with a 3 mile run!
  • The weather is perfect. It’s currently 68 degrees. We have the windows open. 
  • Speaking of windows, today’s home improvement project was covering the huge window in the master bath. Now I can be naked without worrying someone can see (or catching them looking in…ugh). Woot! 
  • Sorry, boys. Show is over. 😘
  • We have new neighbors. A young couple with a toddler. 
  • D and I are doing a Breaking Bad binge watch just because. 
  • Tacos tonight. Mmm.
  • I love Saturdays!

we left a scar, size extra large

  • D told me the other day that he listed me as his emergency contact for a race he’s running, and under “relationship” he listed “partner.” He said it’s because girlfriend just doesn’t sound right to describe our relationship anymore. I thought it was cute.
  • We spent the afternoon cleaning the old house so that the realtor can set up an open house. It was hard work and we still have a lot to do. Going back tomorrow.
  • The hard work will be well worth it when it sells. We have a lot of big plans for that money. Swimming pool. Vacation. And some other stuff that will remain a secret for now.
  • Whenever I think about secrets, I think about that episode of The Backyardigans, where they sing, “I’ve got a secret. I’m going to keep it. I’ve got a secret, and I won’t tell you!”
  • I’m such a mom.
  • I’m exhausted. Can I has nap, plz?
  • No rest for the weary.
  • We have a wedding reception to attend tonight. So soon I have to get myself showered and put together. I’m a fake bridesmaid. I say fake because the wedding has already happened (the couple eloped) but a few of us are bridesmaids for reception purposes, which really just means we are wearing matching dresses.
  • It works for me. Way less work than being an actual bridesmaid.
  • Isn’t it weird how you can be in someone’s wedding and then never talk to them again? That happened with me and one of my bridesmaids. Actually, she was the maid of honor. Anyway, she just lost her shit immediately before, during, and after the wedding so things were never really okay between us again. Then I was in a different friend’s wedding and we ended up growing apart. We barely speak now.
  • More later. Maybe.


This is just a list of stuff I’m currently excited about:

  • Blair Witch.
  • The weekend.
  • Sleeping in tomorrow morning.
  • The chairs I ordered for the breakfast room shipped today.
  • Our new mirror is now hanging in the entry way.
  • I designed and ordered a custom planner from Sweden! I should have it in a few weeks.
  • New Lularoe is on its way to me.
  • Today is payday.
  • Paul & Laura’s wedding reception.
  • Star Wars stickers for iOS 10. So cute!
  • Family game night tonight!

a little bit of this/a little bit of that

This week has been busy, busy, busy, and, as a result, I have neglected my blogging. So let’s see…

  • Last weekend was pretty incredible. It was so amazing to watch Dave meet the guys from Blink-182. I’m so thankful that I was able to give him that experience. We had the best time. I’ll…never forget. (Inside joke alert).
  • Day 14 of the blog challenge: Something I miss. MOTHERFUCKING WIFI OMFG. The latest is that Charter should be coming out to put in the lines next week, but I won’t be holding my breath.
  • In related news: I now have the biggest data plan Verizon offers. Like 26 GB or some such shit. It rolls over too, so that’s pretty sweet. And now I have an international plan, which will come in handy in 2017. Plans, yo.
  • Sometimes I feel like Amy Winehouse was supposed to be my soulmate. Her lyrics…sigh.
  • I saw my oncology team today. Things appear to be good, so that’s a big relief. I adore my docs.
  • I feel very fortunate today. I have seriously amazing friends.
  • My trainer kicked my ass last night and I feel everything. So sore. Also, I have stepped up the running and I’m feeling fantastic about it.
  • I have so many to-do lists going currently. It’s like my to-do lists have to-do lists.
  • Last night, D and I were hanging out in the great room and we were like holy shit this house is way too nice for us. I grew up in a shack in Ferguson. How is this even my life right now?
  • Every day it feels a bit more like home, however. The mirror for the entry way was finally delivered today. Getting stuff delivered to new construction is no easy feat. Nobody knows how to get to us.
  • I finished The Handmaid’s Tale last week and it really affected me. I remember reading it as an undergrad, but I don’t remember it making such a powerful impression. It’s a fabulous feminist text and I urge everyone to read it. It’s difficult to properly articulate how I feel, but I just feel…aware. It really spoke to me.
  • I adore this time of year. Our weekends book up fast and we have so many fun plans.
  • I feel good today. Mentally, I mean. I have another ovarian cyst, so I’m a bit fucked up physically.
  • I read a sign today at Siteman Cancer Center that said, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”
  • xoxo

five faves for friday

  1. One of my favorite things ever is cuddling Violet and feeling her purrs vibrating throughout my body. Cats are the best. I wish cat cuddles for everyone! I have been home from work most of this week, so I have gotten a bunch of cuddle time in.
  2. Our new furniture was delivered this morning, and I am so pleased with how it looks. This place is really coming together and starting to feel like a home. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but it’s off to an excellent start. We are going to be busy little bees this weekend: unpacking, hanging, installing, cleaning, decorating, etc.
  3. I went to Chipotle for lunch (because yum) and, once I got up to the register, two dudes that work there told me that they had paid for my food. I was like, “Why?” Dude 1 goes, “Why not?” Dude 2 goes, “We want to make sure you come back.” These guys looked to be about 20-ish, so I must be looking particularly young today if they thought they had a chance. Anyway, it felt kind of weird, but was super flattering. I’ve still got it, people. Hell yes.
  4. I’m sneaking a chapter here and there of The Handmaid’s Tale (between unpacking boxes). I read it once a long time ago, and I loved it, but I had forgotten just how amazing it really is. If you are into speculative, dystopian fiction then this is a must read. I’m torn between reading slowly to savor it and reading quickly to see what happens (since I can’t remember anymore).
  5. We aren’t going to have internet and cable at home for a while because Charter still needs to put in their lines. I am so thankful for the ability to use my phone as a hot spot, because I hate writing long posts on my phone. Yay technology! The kids are also grateful because it means they can still watch Netflix and FaceTime with their other parents on their iPads.

just a list

  • I slept so very well last night. I was sort of expecting some insomnia issues since it was the first night in a new place, but I conked right out and slept through the night. I think it’s because all of the anxiety over the move is gone.
  • Now I can go back to worrying about normal stuff: like work.
  • The cat is being surprisingly chill about the move. I’m waiting for my punishment. It will come, I’m sure.
  • The movers worked from 8:30 am to about 5 pm. It was a long day. And it rained. A lot.
  • I have my treadmill back!!!! I can’t wait to get back into running.
  • So many boxes. So much to unpack. But I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s going to be so much fun to set everything up. Though we’ve technically already been living together for a month, this is the first time all of our stuff has been in the same place. Blending it is going to be fun. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
  • Our furniture is being delivered Friday. So excited.
  • Tonight will be the first night the kids are in the house and we are super excited to help them get their rooms set up.

Good day to yous

  • I was going to say sorry to some people I never texted back, but meh.
  • I’m tired. 
  • Packing is mostly complete.
  • Closing is tomorrow morning. Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg.
  • I have a love/hate relationship with Tramadol. It works well on controlling my pain, but it makes me sooooo itchy. Every time I take it I end up thinking it’s not worth it, but then my pain gets bad, and… Never ending cycle of bullshit.
  • I’m obsessed with buying stuff for the house. I ordered the mirror we wanted for the foyer. I may go ahead and buy the china cabinet that matches our dining room set as well. I’m also looking at new bedding. Ooh and I bought a super cute throw pillow this afternoon.
  • We saw Don’t Breathe tonight. Thumbs up.
  • It’s like a fucking zoo around here. I’m so glad these dogs go home tomorrow. We are never ever getting a dog.

Good day to yous!