the only one that made me cry

I was born next to my mother
She sang me to sleep
And I grew to adore my father
As he drowned in a drink
And I know that I should be grateful
For the things they taught
I was raised to be so damn faithful
I didn’t need a god
Time is crazy
My grandmother made up a lie of her life
When she died well she gave me
A necklace that came from the sky
Said my grandfather made it out of gold and a diamond that always reminded him
Of what life could have been

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Hope to die next to my daughter
Let her sing to me sleep
Having made the mistakes of a mother
Still I taught her to breathe
When you’re low and you’re deep underwater
Stay faithful, remember what you love
So when the world gets painful
You become your own god
I could daydream
Sit back and think of a mythical life
But the seasons change and the tragic thing is that you can’t live it twice
I try to be brave and tell her that we’ll meet again that we’d met before
But I’m not really so sure

So when I say I love you I want to mean it
Cause I say a lot of things that I don’t mean
And when I say I want to I want to mean it
Cause I know not to say yes to just anything

Mean It – K.Flay


I’m going to see Matchbox Twenty & Counting Crows tonight with friends and I’m really looking forward to it. In preparation for the concert, I listened to M20 on my way down to the office this morning. A song I hadn’t heard in a very long time came on and it instantly transported me to 1998, sitting in my (now) ex’s dorm room, while he sang the song to me. It blindsided me and I got a bit upset, because the memory is bittersweet; especially given the lyrics of the song and where we ended up. Anyway, it looks like it’s on the set list for this tour, so hopefully I don’t lose my shit when they play it. Everything makes me cry nowadays. Ugh.

You’ve gotta take the good with the bad. The good memories I’ll recall tonight will far outweigh the bad/sad, and I am excited to spend a fun filled evening with my old school peeps.


my musical history 

I’ve been listening to lots of old Spotify playlists recently in an effort to get into a big picture relationship head space. I’m hoping that this will help me write my marriage vows. I just wanted to add a bit of early relationship inspiration into the mix. 

What I’ve learned is that so many songs I listened to in 2012 and 2013 have special meanings for me and so many of these songs bring me to tears. 

On Tuesday night, after a fabulous night out in the city, I drove home alone, with the top down, and sobbed hysterically while singing along loudly to Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me

This morning, on the way to work, I heard Tegan and Sara’s song I Won’t Be Left and completely lost my shit. That one I used to listen to a lot. 

And then there’s also Hands Down, Hysteric,  I Know, I Know, I Know and Anything We Want and Moses and Sometime Around Midnight. Oh and Stubborn Love, of course. I could go on and on. 

Music is so powerful. I love rediscovering these pieces of my musical history. It’s so satisfying to sing along with the soundtrack of my life. 

It will be fun to look back at myself in a few years and rediscover what I love right now. It will be a lot of DMB, Arcade Fire, and Depeche Mode, to be sure. 


5 words that make me laugh

I can’t think of five, but I did have one come up recently.

When Dave Gahan says the word “trousers” in Never Let Me Down Again, I giggle. I just find it so adorable for some reason.

Oh and it also makes me laugh that I got a message regarding a post I made earlier today, where the message stated that he liked that I called someone a shithead motherfucker because it reminded him of something his wife would say. That made me smile.

at this moment

In like 1986, when I was seven years old, I heard the following song on Family Ties and it struck me as the most beautiful and romantic song ever. My thoughts on that particular subject have changed over the years, but this song still holds a special place in my heart, and I get all teary eyed whenever I hear it, which admittedly isn’t often. For some reason, I’ve had it in my head the last couple of days and have been singing it to myself.

At This Moment:

What did you think I would do at this moment
When you’re standing before me
With tears in your eyes
Trying to tell me that you have found you another
And you just don’t love me no more

What did you think I would say at this moment
When I’m faced with the knowledge
That you just don’t love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
’cause you just don’t love me no more

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you when darling I love you
And you know I’d never hurt you

What do you think I would give at this moment
If you’d stay I’d subtract twenty years from my life
I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you…
If I, could just hold you…

If I…
If I could just hold you

new writing challenge! (and other things)

One of my best girls over on Tumblr found a new challenge for us to do in August:


Join us!

Also: I totally failed at the July challenge because the prompts really started to suck around mid-month, so I gave up. This one seems legit, though I’ve written about some of these prompts in previous challenges. Like #1. So I’m going to skip #1 and write about something else instead…

So today I was listening to a shared playlist (from D’s Spotify account) entitled Memories and it inspired me to do a blog post regarding the soundtrack of our relationship.

I’m not going to share all the songs that are on the list (or should be on the list but haven’t been added yet) because holy fuck that would be a long list. I’m going to share my top five instead. If you’ve been following along at all, you should know that I LOVE Top 5 lists (thanks, High Fidelity).

#1 – Shove by Angels & Airwaves: Dave texted me back in April 2012 and asked me to listen to this song because it could express his feelings better than he could. Listening to the lyrics, I cried because I understood…perfectly.

It can be so bold and so cavalier
To reach out to the fire her soul’s sending here
It can be like death that blows like a breeze
Making all ones strength go weak at the knees
I hate to feel the shallow ground giving way
I’ve never let myself fall this much astray
And feeding on her touch is all one does to survive

#2 – Sway by Bic Runga: This was my response to him.

Don’t stray
Don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown
Let me down
I say it’s all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I’m practicing your name
So I can say it to your face, it doesn’t seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed it’s time
Tell you why
I say its infinitely true

#3 – Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. I don’t want to share the exact circumstances under which this became “our” song, but it did, and it is very special to me. I’m going to sob uncontrollably when it plays at our wedding. I just know it.

My hopes are so high,
That your kiss might kill me.
So won’t you kill me,
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
To break or bury,
Or wear as jewelry,
Whichever you prefer.

#4 – Hysteric by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

You suddenly complete me

#5 – Temptation by New Order: This is a recent addition, but an important one.

And I’ve never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I’ve never met anyone quite like you before