little reminders

Recently, I’ve been listening almost exclusively to those playlists Spotify makes based upon your history, and this song has come up several times. I love, love, love this song, and I kind of hate that it now reminds me of my ex-husband and our divorce.

Back story:

Drive-By Truckers was one of the bands we discovered, and loved, together. We saw them like three or four times in concert. Jason Isbell was/is our favorite. All of his songs are beautiful, though poignant as fuck. The lyrics fuck me up. This song was always our favorite of them.

After our divorce, my ex got lyrics from this song tattooed on his arm, and now I can’t hear this song without thinking of that.

The tattoo is a beach at night with these lyrics:

“Well I ain’t really drowning ’cause I see the beach from here.”

Which was always my favorite lyric, because fuck if I haven’t felt that way so often in my own life. It’s hard sometimes, knowing that I made someone else feel that way as well.

the insomnia chronicles

I have insomnia, and the internet is boring, but I’m too lazy to fetch my Kindle from the other room. This is a recurring theme.

My husband woke up briefly, mumbled, “Hi you’re up,” and then immediately started snoring again. I envy his ability to sleep.

I, on the other hand, fell asleep around 2 am and woke around 4:15 am. Sigh.

I’ve never been a good sleeper, but it has definitely gotten worse post-menopause. Just another reason to miss my ovaries.

I was talking to a client last week who is also a fellow breast cancer survivor. We’ve had all the same surgeries. We commiserated for a while, but then she asked, “But doesn’t it feel good knowing we did everything we could?” And, yes, yes it does.

I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe some sleeping pills. I need some relief. This is ridiculous.

I FEEL LIKE I’M AWAKE ALL THE TIME. This is not good for one’s mental health, let me tell you.

It reminds me of my grandmother, actually. She always seemed to be awake too. See…I’m old. BUT I’M ONLY 40. *lol sob*

Speaking of old, the fans at the Blink concert had me feeling quite old. I kept thinking: these are not my people. (DMB has spoiled me). It was still a good show though, and it was fun watching my husband and daughter do their thing. ❤️

I miss Tom a lot. The band just isn’t the same without him. We’re seeing him next Sunday though, so yay! Oh and I can’t hear Matt Skiba without thinking about my favorite Alkaline Trio song. This has been stuck in my head all night:

This Could Be Love

I’ve got a book of matches
I’ve got a can of kerosene
I’ve got some bright ideas involving you and me
I don’t blame you for walking away
I touch myself at thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days

It’s a Rilo Kiley kind of day

This is one of my favorites. I used to really identify with the lyrics. Luckily, I’m in a much better place now, but it’s still a great song.


Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move.
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can’t breathe.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to and you’ll show up for work with a smile
You’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend

And you’ll be awake, you’ll be alert, you’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
You’ll be a real good listener, you’ll be honest, you’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful.
You’ll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You’re weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You’re weak, but not giving in.
And you’ll fight it, you’ll go out fighting all of them.

This takes me back…

Total nostalgic mind fuck.

This was the song I was obsessing over on Sunday night. (Thanks to Oneofthewildwoosters for helping a gal out. I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me. I thought I was going crazy.)

Just finally got to listen to it, and it’s giving me feels.

Hearing it was just what I needed. ❤️