Wednesday 5:45 am

I’m so unbelievably thankful for my husband. I don’t know how I would do this without him. He is alway by my side, never complaining, ready to do whatever I need. Caregivers have a horribly difficult job, and they deserve so much more than they get.

Y’all see the good side. The put together version of Jenn that I allow the world to see. You don’t see the crying, the short temper, the gagging and the puking and the shitting. You don’t hear the moaning. You don’t have to wake up with me in the middle of the night to medicate me because I’m confused and I’m pain. You don’t have to sleep next to the lady who only showers about once per week, and who never wants to have sex because sex causes way too much pain.

David, my sweet babe, thank you so much for everything. For all the times – good and bad. For all the laughs and all the heartbreak. We took what should have been a stupid little fling and turned it into a beautiful life: a family, a home, a community. Thank you for ten of the absolute best years of my life. I hope you will always remember me how I was on my 35th birthday on the beach – or on my 40th stumbling down Duval Street. Remember our kiss on Taylor Ave and the quiet yet passionate romance that followed in our wake, whatever we did. Remember Alabama with the kids, and the bears at the Smokey Mountains. Remember the ridiculous steamy night in Savannah while we hunted for ghosts. So many parties – include our fucking raver in 2015, which is still considered by many to be a fucking legend. That’s the Jenn I want you to remember. The Jenn that Rob had to carry out of the mosh pit after she threw a drink in that dude’s face. Remember her beauty, grace, intelligence, and how formidable she’d get after a couple drinks. Always down to lawyer/argue. Always down to fuck. And always so madly head over heels in love with you.

The Talk

I saw Dr. B today, and we finally had “the talk.” She says there are no good treatments left for me, and that the awful side effects will outweigh any survival benefit. She knows how important it is to me to not spend my remaining days seriously ill and/or in the hospital, so I trust her. She said I can try xeloda again, but that drug was horrible for me, which is why I quit to begin with, and she said she doubts it would extend my life by more than maybe a couple of months. So the current plan is to get the stent surgery on Thursday, and then meet up with her the Thursday after to tell her how I wish to proceed. I already know I’m going to stop treatment and transfer to hospice care.

Telling the kids was just fucking awful, and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Absolutely shattered. I held them while they sobbed, because there’s nothing else I can do, and I hate it. I hate that they are heartbroken.

The pain tonight is terrible, and I’m scared. I need to make some calls tomorrow and get some shit figured out. I’m trying not to have a panic attack.

Despite everything, I’m more at peace with this decision that it might seem from what I’ve just written. I knew this was coming. I woke up today knowing it was judgment day. I just can’t believe we got here so quickly.

I’ve told a few people personally, but I’m too tired to stay on top of the texts, so my next step is posting here and eventually to social media.

My family tonight (after pizza, cake, and TV):

I love them so incredibly much and I’m going to say it over and over until my literal dying breath.

Friday Night Fun

We had a great night tonight. I was feeling well enough to hang out and help make dinner. RiekAlt kitchen! Woo!! We made shrimp fettuccine alfredo with our homemade alfredo sauce that is just to die for. The secret is the nutmeg! Then we sat around drinking and chatting for hours. Sometimes we cried, but a lot of times we laughed. It was lovely and so much needed. I love him so incredibly much, and I’ve been so blessed to spend the last ten years with him. (Almost 11…holy shit!!)

Happy weekend! Get it!

D’s Work Christmas Party

It was good getting to see all of his colleagues and their spouses again after so long. I also got to meet some people I hear about all the time. The party was at City Foundry, which I had never been to before, and it’s a cool place. It was a good time, though I’m still bummed it was the same night as Freya’s choir concert. Hopefully I’ll be here and well enough to attend the spring concert. That’s what I keep telling myself.