I’ve started packing up some of the stuff in my office. I mean…we have to be out of here by September 1st, and even though we have no place to go as of yet, that doesn’t mean this shit doesn’t have to get packed up.
I dug into the beautiful antique cabinet that I rarely venture into. In fact, I think it has been at least two years since I last peeked inside. It held three decorative boxes filled with pictures, scraps of paper, mementos. Things mostly forgotten about that likely need to be purged.
I did come across two things that surprised me a bit.
- I found my ex-husband’s birth certificate. It was in a manilla envelope along with my own. I suppose I should give that back, huh? I have no doubt I took it from him long ago for safe keeping. I swear, that man would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.
- Even weirder to find? A note from my now husband and his then wife from way back in 2012. They sent me flowers when my step-father died. The note is sweet and cutesy. I remember thinking it was a classy thing to do. Now? I see it and feel awed at how much time can change things. I went to throw it away, but couldn’t do it for some reason. So I guess someday I will stumble upon it again. I wonder what will be going on in my life at that point.
Packing this room up is bittersweet. This office holds so many memories. My law firm has been in this building for 7 years. I’m going to miss it very much. At the same time, I’m looking forward to a change. Things have gotten stagnant. It’s time to mix things up.
I love the On This Day feature on Facebook.
D and I got shit faced at a winery and his ex went off on him. Worth it.
Trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. We rented a boat and bought silly clothes at the tourist shops.
Our trip to Punta Cana
We bought a house and a bunch of new furniture to fill it with.
In like 1986, when I was seven years old, I heard the following song on Family Ties and it struck me as the most beautiful and romantic song ever. My thoughts on that particular subject have changed over the years, but this song still holds a special place in my heart, and I get all teary eyed whenever I hear it, which admittedly isn’t often. For some reason, I’ve had it in my head the last couple of days and have been singing it to myself.
What did you think I would do at this moment
When you’re standing before me
With tears in your eyes
Trying to tell me that you have found you another
And you just don’t love me no more
What did you think I would say at this moment
When I’m faced with the knowledge
That you just don’t love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
’cause you just don’t love me no more
Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you when darling I love you
And you know I’d never hurt you
What do you think I would give at this moment
If you’d stay I’d subtract twenty years from my life
I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again
I’d fall down on my knees
And kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you…
If I, could just hold you…
If I could just hold you
We were sitting at the bar, enjoying our third round of IPAs when we started arguing about D’s ex wife (details aren’t important). I got fed up, walked out, got in my car and drove away. Unfortunately, I turned the wrong way and got lost, as I am wont to do. I immediately started getting texts and calls from D, which I eventually answered, where he told me he was looking for me and to please tell him where I was. The problem is that I had no idea where I was. Eventually, he tracked me down, and we made out, and made up, and went back to my apartment and had epic make up sex. And now you know. 💜
Last night, D was on a run and the kids were asleep, so I decided to tackle my personal gmail account. It had 1546 unread messages. *sigh*
It was an interesting experience going through all of the emails. I was able to unsubscribe from several email lists, which should hopefully result in a more clutter free email experience moving forward. Once I hit the June 2016 mark, I found an unread email from one of my college besties (hi, James!) telling me how happy he is that I’m happy, and how much he misses me. I felt like the biggest asshole for never responding. I immediately sent off a response apologizing for it, but I wanted to apologize here as well. Sorry, dude. You know I love you.
After deleting like 1500 emails, I finally reached the bottom of the inbox. This is a place I rarely visit. It holds some real gems, as well as some reminders of times I’d rather forget but for some reason can’t bring myself to delete.
- An email from 2011 written by an old colleague and detailing the hell that is going to muni court. It’s entitled “Gettin’ Outta Jail” and it’s still hilarious.
- Several emails from late 2012 from D which contain attachments to songs he wrote, including a couple he wrote for me. Winter for You still makes me cry.
- A link to a sex video we made. Yeah, baby.
- A few super sweet emails I received from friends during my cancer treatment.
- An email from 5/2012 written by my ex-husband.
- Two emails from 5/2012 written by my ex-MIL.
- A disqus comment thread from 10/30/2012 which contains an argument I had with my boyfriend’s ex regarding content on my blog.
- Emails from 5/2013 between D and myself that I simply refer to as “the great break-up exchange of 2013” and refuse to read because they will make me cry, despite how awesome things ended up. There are some brutal truths in those emails, and I see it as the point where we really took off the gloves and went for it. Balls to the wall.
I should really delete some of this stuff. But I just can’t. I don’t know why. It’s almost like I feel like if I delete it that I’m pretending it didn’t happen. I don’t know…it’s complicated.
This isn’t going to be pretty.
*domestic violence trigger warning*
While I do recall bits and pieces of various events in my young life, my most vivid “first” memory is from when I was around five years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night to go out looking for my step-dad. She parked our car in a 7-11 parking lot, and we waited quietly. It could have been minutes or hours. I had no concept for time. Eventually, however, we pulled out of the lot and started following another car. Finally, a few blocks from home, both cars pulled over and an argument broke out. I could see three people in the street: my mom, my step-dad, and some woman I didn’t recognize. It turns out that woman was my step-dad’s ex-girlfriend.
We ended up back at home, and I watched while my step-dad beat my mom up. She had to be at least six months pregnant with my sister at the time.
Other memories from around this same time include:
- my step-dad throwing a coffee table at my mom. there were broken pieces strewn around the room.
- my step-dad beating my mom up, locking her out of the house, and then looking over to me, casually asking, “Would you like some nachos?” All the while, my mom was hysterically crying and pounding on the front door, begging to be let back inside.
- being scared. all the time. and feeling very intensely that i could only rely upon myself for anything ever.
We listened to Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I’m playing next.”
I said, “Riders on the Storm.”
He said, “Fuck…how did you know?”
As the song came on.
I know him so fucking well.
I love it.