Happy Monday to me!

My scans showed that the cancer is stable. That is such a huge relief.

She thinks the pain in my hip is from the healing bone and/or radiation related since it’s in essentially the same spot as before.

As for the tumor markers rising, she isn’t sure why. She said that if they continue to rise, she will order a PET scan. I’m still waiting on today’s numbers to arrive.

For now, at least, I can take a deep breath and not worry (as much) about it for a while.

I’m so grateful that this treatment is still working for me.

This has been an emotional few days for me.

K has been my legal assistant for 9 years. Prior to that, we worked together at another firm for several years. She is a really good friend of mine, and has been like my right fucking arm for what feels like forever. K will be working here for another six weeks or so to further assist with the transition, and then she will be moving on. It is just now really hitting us – now that the chaos of the merger is finally dying down a bit – and it is a lot. She has been crying a lot the past few days, and when she starts crying, I start crying.

Even though she totally understands and supports my decision to do this merger, I still feel ridiculously guilty that it means we won’t be working together anymore. Nothing I write here is going to properly convey how I feel about it. I’m just so fucking SAD. I’m scared, too. Not just because change is always a bit scary, but because this change signifies a huge life transition for me. It’s hard to know that this is happening because of my cancer diagnosis. It is chipping away at my identity one piece at a time, and eventually there will be nothing left of me.

This isn’t coming across the way I intended. My head is very foggy today – due to lack of sleep, way too much wine, and a lot of fucking crying.

I can’t wait to go home and spend the evening with D. I miss him.
I need a hug.

exciting

I cashed out my 401k a week or so ago, because right now you can do so without the 10% penalty because of the CARES Act. I’m not going to be growing old, so I took all the monies out, every single penny, and it is now sitting in my bank account.

We are taking the kids to Hawaii for vacation in the spring. The plan is Oahu and Kauai. We’re talking first class travel, helicopter tour, snuba – all the things. They are so freaking excited about it, that I almost cry when they bring it up. I want to give them the best family vacation memory ever. I’m so pleased that I’m going to be able to do this for us/them.

Jackson keeps talking about how he’s going to video all the things and then make a compilation video of our entire trip. I think that is a brilliant idea.

They will never understand just how much I love them, but at least I can spoil them for a bit while I still can. I’m super thankful that D talked me into starting that 401k all those years ago. Thanks, babe.

Home (is where my heart is)

I mentioned tonight, off handedly, that I intend to die in this house. Freya then asked if I’d still be around in five years, and I wistfully replied “probably not.” Tears immediately started falling from her eyes, big fat tears, and I hugged her oh so tight while she cried. Later D said, “She really fucking loves you,” and oh my poor shattered heart. My sweet, sweet girl. We ended up lightening the mood by reminiscing about the time when she was like 8 years old, and drew a pic of the four of us together, but put a big X on my pic. Lol. She was going through some shit! Those were hard times, and now somehow we’re besties. She gets genuinely excited when I pick her up, and often exclaims, “I’ve got gossip!” I love spending time with her.

When I was hugging her as she cried, I whispered in her ear, “I love you so very much and I’m so grateful to have you as my daughter.”

She loves hanging out with us on Friday nights, so she hears stuff that maybe she shouldn’t, but my parenting style is to be honest with the kids; to speak my truth. They have responded so favorably, and we get so much insight into their lives as a result

Tonight, I truly realized what an impact I’ve had on her life, and I’m oh so grateful for every single moment. Even the ones where she kind of hated me. ♥️♥️

probably tl;dr

I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).

This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.

The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.

BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)

We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!

I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.

I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.

My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.

Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.

But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.

I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)

OH AND I RAN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. Difficult, but good.

I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.

There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:

As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”

This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.

xoxo