I’m extremely nauseated, my head hurts, and I generally just feel unwell. Hello darkness, my old friend.
We didn’t get home from the hospital until 9:30. It was a ridiculously long day. We do it again in two weeks. I have to go to the west co location tomorrow morning for more blood work and another EKG. The schedule for the first two months on the trial is overwhelming. Being a cancer patient is now my job.
I almost had a panic attack multiple times today. Being in that treatment room all day really forced me to confront some difficult truths. I’m not ready to unpack those right now, because it’s late, and I am drained.
We got here at 730 am and won’t be leaving until around 9 pm. Fuuuuuuuuck.
I’ve taken both meds. Now I’m getting blood drawn and EKGs every hour. Still feeling okay for now.
Please don’t do this…
I’m not ready for this, but also: let’s do this already.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like a loser, but also it’s nice to have a flexible schedule, and free time. If not now, when?
I start the new treatment on Thursday. The side effects sound fucking brutal, and I am nervous. I feel…defeated and weary.
The upside of dying is that every mundane thing is beautiful.
Another day, another visit to the cancer center.
Not starting treatment today. United Healthcare is dragging its feet so we’re waiting on them to get their shit together. I’ll prob start next week sometime. I am back at the hospital for more labs, however. I’m here so often nowadays that everyone knows me. I don’t get the covid screening questions anymore. Everyone greets me by name. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Sigh.