The 5-year survival rate tells you what percent of people live at least 5 years after the cancer is found. Percent means how many out of 100. The 5-year survival rate for women with metastatic breast cancer is 29%. The 5-year survival rate for men with metastatic breast cancer is 22%.
February will be three years for me.
I’m in bed recovering from the paracentesis. They drained a liter and a half of fluid. It was crazy watching the bag full up. I’m confident I’ll be much more comfortable once I heal. Right now everything is sore and crampy.
Tomorrow is scan day, and that’s all I can think about. I’m trying to lose myself in a book, but I’m def distracted.
Zero.
Just keeping it real. Cancer fucking sucks.
I’m having a CT scan on Thursday morning to see if the meds are working. Given everything that’s going on, I’m nervous af. What if it’s not working? What if it is, but my body can’t handle the side effects? I feel like this is my last good option. If this doesn’t work, it’s all downhill from there.
Awake and sad at almost 2 am.
Oh and in pain too.
And a touch angry, because it’s all just fucking bullshit, ya know?
Yet somehow still grateful to be here, alive, and able to function despite how much it hurts.
It’s all so complicated, this living thing, and still I want more.
More of the same today: bar hopping mostly. I’m not the drinker that I used to be, but I had several frozen cocktails today. It feels like saying goodbye to summer.
I’m in a weird place mentally. Watching my decline is really starting to fuck with my head, and my self-esteem is in the gutter. I’m so bloated and swollen. I look pregnant. My knees and feet are so swollen that I can hardly walk. I’ve been sucking it up, but it hasn’t been easy. We haven’t really talked about my cancer at all this trip, which is both a good and a bad thing. I feel like I’m just a total bummer to be around at this point. I don’t know…I’m struggling and feel kind of alone.
Still – I’ve had a good time, and I’m glad we got away. I can tell it has been good for D especially. He def needed a vacation.
I can barely walk right now because of the knee swelling. I haven’t had this issue in a while, and I have no idea if it’s an arthritis issue or a side effect.
I have chemo on Monday. I though it was my last before the cruise, but I have another one. My brain doesn’t work right anymore. I get confused easily.
I have neuropathy in both feet, but especially the right.
On these days that I actually feel well, I’m almost fucking manic. I just need to be doing all the things, all the time. I’m trying to squeeze as much life out of the day as possible.
It feels so good to live. Even the mundane feels divine after the joy-suck that was my summer.
The fresh buzz cut feels very nice. Fresh. Clean. Cool. It’s kind of liberating to not have hair. It will be interesting to see whether it grows back during treatment like some people’s does.
I’m both miserable and lonely.
Today has been trying on the side effects front. The two biggest issues are ridiculously painful bloating, and a huge hemorrhoid that may be the death of me. It hurts like I can’t even describe. White hot pain. TMI TUESDAY! lol
Seriously though, I’m def asking for a dose reduction next cycle. If for no other reason than it will be the cycle before the Mediterranean trip, and I need to maximize my chances of feeling as good as possible. I was offered a dose reduction this last time, but decided to suck it up. I want NED, baby! (no evidence of disease for you newbs – the holy grail). Apparently, there are two lower doses that are available. I will say that, even with today being an epic suck, this cycle has been more tolerable so far.
I finished another book today. It was a slog and I’m glad it’s over. One of my favorite authors released a new novel today, however, and I’m quite excited to get started. The plan is to start that tonight.
There isn’t much to report. I’m just writing because I’m lonely. The family is having dinner, but I’m not feeling well enough to join them tonight. But I keep reminding myself that I’ll be feeling a lot better in just a couple of days most likely. And the almost two weeks of feeling good is definitely worth how I feel right now.
Oh…I received two messages today from readers that made me smile, and I just want to say thank you again to those who reach out. It’s nice to feel like my words matter. I feel so insignificant most of the time anymore.
xoxo
The future, or lack thereof, I suppose. I feel it sucking away all the joy, like a black hole. And I’m getting too tired to fight it. I’m sorry. You’ll never know how much I wanted to be more than this.
