A war inside my head

It’s 11 am, and all I’ve done so far today is move myself from the bed in our bedroom to the bed in my study, which has me feeling lazy and worthless. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s okay to rest. I have a terminal illness, and the meds used to treat it are way harsh. Self care is key. I’m so used to putting my physical needs on the back burner, but I have to learn to put my body’s needs first.

It’s okay to rest and have bad days. It’s not okay to give up. Gotta walk that line. I’m still learning that – even after all these years of chronic pain and health problems. I’ve always been incredibly hard on myself, but look at what I accomplished because of it. I did things nobody thought I’d be able to do, and it’s because I’ve been so relentless.

But on the other hand, I’m tired. So very tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted.

Food for thought. You never stop learning, growing, and changing.

I’m not feeling great today. I restarted the Ibrance, after a two day break due to chest pains/rapid heart beat. I’m two days into treatment again, and this seems to be the part where the side effects begin to make themselves known.

I just have to take it one day/pill at a time.

Quarantine – Day 9

I emailed my oncologist and told him I was losing my shit, so he called me in some Xanax. Fucking finally, bro. He told me to only take it as needed, and I’m like lol okay, dude, that’s like every minute of my fucking day anymore. I have metastatic cancer, and am immunocompromised during a fucking pandemic. I’m trapped in my fucking house. I’m also currently adjusting to two new meds with brutal side effects. Oh and all of this has happened within the last fucking month. Give me a minute.

The Ibrance (most likely) is causing rapid heart rate and some chest pains, so he advised that I stop it for two days to see if that is for sure the cause. If so, there is apparently a lower dose we can try. I’m not wanting to give up on it unless I absolutely have to. There aren’t enough treatment options to just discard one that might work. Ugh. In a lot of ways, the treatment is worse than the disease itself.

When I washed my hair this morning, there was more in my hand than normal. Ugh. Let the shedding begin. I fucking hate cancer. If I end up needing a wig, I’m getting one of those super expensive human hair ones this time. FUCK IT. What am I saving my money for? *lol sob*

I’m trying to stay positive. I’m alive. I don’t seem to have Covid-19. My family is healthy. We are lucky to be financially secure and able to work from home. I really shouldn’t complain.

Peace out.

This is fine.

  • Not feeling great today. The side effects are creeping in.
  • This fatigue is a bitch.
  • The kids are back after a weekend with the other parents. Freya has been very chatty and seems happy to be home. Jackson has been holed up in his room all damn day. 🤷🏻‍♀️
  • I got very little done today, but I’m trying not to beat myself up. With everything going on, I feel like I’m doing quite well all things considered.
  • Tomorrow is another chance to get it right. Whatever that even means anymore.
  • I’m definitely gaining weight. Ugh.
  • It’s cold again, and I hate it. I want to be able to hang outside on the deck, and maybe grill.
  • The more I read the news, the more freaked out I get. I never want to leave the house again at this point.
  • I got a message that Jackson’s school is now closed until the 23rd, but I imagine it will be even longer. In fact, I’m not expecting him to go back this school year.
  • I have to set up a computer for him to work on. E-school starts on Wednesday.
  • I’m in the bathtub right now, and it is glorious. This giant tub might be my favorite thing. I haven’t been able to take a bath for several weeks. First because of the biopsy, and then because of the rads markers. Showers just aren’t the same.
  • We have been doing a fantastic job of maximizing our food, but another trip to the store is needed soon, and that freaks me out. D will go without me, but I’m still worried.
  • I’m worried about everything right now, like so much so that my heart is always racing, and I can’t sleep.
  • I’m also angry. Our government is a fucking disaster.
  • I just remembered I forgot to take my Ibrance at dinner time. Gotta go do it now.

treatment time

All the nurses at the cancer center loved my dress.

The injections (Faslodex) are done. I get two: one in each ass cheek. They were given simultaneously by two nurses. It hurt more than I anticipated, but I’m a tough bitch so it was fine. One of the nurses was like, “Damn, she didn’t even flinch.” That’s the silver lining of chronic pain, friends.

Eventually, I’ll be starting a bone strengthener, Zometa, which is also an injection.

Next up: start taking these babies right here –

This is the oral chemo. One per day, at the same time, with a meal. Apparently it’s very important that it’s taken with food. I’ve decided to take mine with dinner, since that’s the only meal I consistently eat.

I slept hardly at all last night, and woke up early, so I’m currently in bed, ready for napping. I had a dream that I had Covid-19. I woke up sweaty and startled.

It was weird being out of the house today. I stayed as far away from people as I could, but I’m still super paranoid. I’m happy that I don’t have to leave the house again until Monday afternoon (for rads). D is going to go to the store later to pick up some stuff. Friday Night Dinner Date is still a go. Tonight we’re making steak and broccoli cheese rice bake. I might wear a formal dress…just because.

Thank you to everyone who has sent messages of love and support today. ❤️💙

Happy Friday!

all marked up

For radiation.

(In an attempt to be transparent on this cancer journey, I share the following pic, which is not flattering. However, I’ve noticed that my breast cancer related tags get searched a lot, and not just recently – it has been this way since 2012. I want to give as much info as I can, and keep it real with all the ladies (and men) who may be looking for an insider perspective into breast cancer. xoxo)

359bbf03-6570-4b96-8e34-6054c17873e5

No tattoos necessary this time, because Dr. Z says we should only need the one treatment. So one zap and that’s that. The idea is that it will kill the cancer in that one spot, thereby providing pain relief. I’ll get zapped on Monday at 5 pm. Now I just have to keep these marks visible until then. It’s hard to tell in the pic, but they are covered by medical tape. I guess I won’t be having any baths this week/weekend. Showers only/no scrubbing.

I also asked for some insight into why we don’t just radiate all of them. He explained that we are only using radiation to provide pain relief. We need to leave the others so that we can (1) limit the amount of radiation in my body (and save it for later use if necessary), and (2) we need the other tumors to remain untouched so that we have a way to tell if the new treatment is working. That all made perfect sense, and made me feel better.

I’m getting nervous about starting treatment on Friday. For the most part, I still feel pretty good, and I’m worried the side effects from these meds are going to ruin that.