It feels silly to tag my posts “metastatic breast cancer” anymore considering my entire life is now about mbc.
Oof – the chemo brain is real. I’m just walking around in a perpetual brain fog. I used to be sharp; a bitch with a long ass memory. Nowadays, I can’t remember if I did something five minutes ago. Today I forgot that my child was in the house until he said good morning to me. I was legit startled. I didn’t set an alarm to wake him up for school, but luckily D did it for me. I took Trazadone and Tylenol PM last night, and finally got some good sleep. Fuck I needed it. I feel like a human instead of a zombie today.
Talked to my psychiatrist this morning. She is fucking amazeballs. She’s got a drug for everything and isn’t afraid to use that prescription pad. I have learned just how important palliative care is when living with MBC, so I am forever grateful to her. I will be starting gabapentin tonight, which should help with pain, anxiety, and sleep, but most importantly, it is supposed to be a miracle worker for hot flashes/night sweats. I am super excited. I wake up several times a night drenched in sweat. It is no bueno.
She even mentioned going on a low dose of Ritalin in the future to help with my brain fog/concentration issues. We aren’t there yet, but it’s good to know it’s available if/when I need it.
I also started a super low dose estrogen suppository this week, which will help plump up my vag tissue. I have some atrophy from all the years of estrogen suppression, and sex has gotten a bit painful. Y’all know this bitch loves to fuck, so I told my doc we had to fix it. I am not afraid to talk to my doctors about sex, and I write candidly about these things here because this blog has become a resource for women living with breast cancer. The drug I’m using is called Imvexxy, and I can honestly already tell a slight difference after just one dose. I know a lot of women with ER/PR+ breast cancer (like mine) are reluctant to try low dose estrogen, but the studies show that it is safe, and doesn’t enter the bloodstream, when used vaginally. It really does make a HUGE difference, too.
I have a consultation in a couple of weeks with my plastic surgeon regarding Geneveve, which is a procedure that restores collagen in the vagina. We will have to pay out of pocket for it, as it is considered an elective procedure (don’t get me started on this bullshit), but it will be well worth it considering the reviews I have read. I feel lucky that it is something we can afford to do, and I am hopeful that I will have good results.
So yeah – I’m fighting the disease itself but also the side effects of the treatments. I don’t know how much time I have left, but I intend to squeeze out every last ounce of enjoyment I can. What is the point of fighting to live as long as possible if we are miserable the entire time?
I wanted to write a big post about MBC, but the reality is that I’m too fucking exhausted, and I can either write the post or take a quick nap before my next consultation. I choose the nap. lol.
I’ll leave you with this:
Every month is breast cancer awareness month when you have MBC.
Today I had the following:
2 Faslodex injections, an Xgeva injection, and started a new round of Ibrance. I fell asleep early. It’s now 3:36 am, and I’m wide awake, feeling absolutely dreadful. It should get better over the next few days, but it’s hard to not feel really down right now.
The cancer is still stable.
I know I should be like excited or relieved or whatever, but I just feel sort of numb for some reason.
I’m having a hard day mentally. I feel upset and confused about my future. I’m mourning what should have been, or at least the possibilities, and I’m uncertain where to go from here. How should I be spending my time? How do I live my best life given my current circumstances? I don’t have any good answers right now. I don’t know what to do. I am so afraid of making a decision that I will regret, that I find myself making no decisions at all. I’m just existing, and while that is okay short term, I know I cannot live in limbo for much longer.
I’ve made some mini goals for today (as of 11:41 am):
– Go shower and make myself look pretty (or as pretty as possible – I’m really down on my looks recently).
– check a few items off of my personal & work to-do lists: this will help me feel less worthless
– exercise tonight, which hopefully will mean running, but it’s okay if I have to walk part of it. Just get out there and get it done.
That’s it. It’s best not to overwhelm. My only other intentions for the day include spending time with my family, and doing some reading.
Having candid convos with the husband about our/my future. I’m ready to not be a business owner anymore. My heart hasn’t been in it for a few years now, but it’s even more so now with my health issues. I’m thinking about approaching another local firm about merging, and me working part-time – maybe 30 hours per week. I am not ready to retire yet, but I’m ready to cut way back on my work responsibilities. I’m feeling all the feelings just writing this out: relief, shame, guilt.
I’ve also decided that once I fail my second treatment, I’m for sure retiring. So I need to get my shit in order way before that point. It’s irresponsible to keep moving forward this way.
I want this treatment to keep working. Obviously.
But I also feel like it’s slowly killing me.