I already regret my last post, but I won’t delete it. I do feel that way sometimes, but I also love my family, pets, and friends. I appreciate everyone so much. I love being loved by them. Being needed. I’m just…so confused about everything right now. I don’t know how to be.
I’ve found myself envying men lately; the ease in which they move through the world. How nice to wake up and not have to spend an hour getting ready to face the world. No hair and makeup worries. Mostly just get up and go. Of course, I realize that I also don’t have to do those things either, but it’s like I just can’t stop myself. The idea of being so exposed is too much to bear; and, honestly, my own reproach is what I fear the most. I can’t stand to see my naked face in the mirror. I want to love it, and sometimes I do, but mostly I feel disgust.
Isn’t that a terrible way to live? So silly, too. Why can’t I give myself the grace I give others?
I also find myself resentful of demands upon my time. I need a certain amount of alone time, and it’s more than most people seem to need. I need time to nap. Time with my books. I even resent the animals constantly pawing at me. I just need some quiet. I need peace. I need to pull into myself and just be for a while.
D says there’s something about me that draws people/creatures to my presence. I find it ironic that the “popular” girl just wants to be left alone.
It’s nice to write here like this again. I want to leave this here, and in a couple of hours, I’ll put on my armor and go out to be a person again.
The internet says I’m too young (at not quite 38) to be having a mid-life crisis. But I say fuck the internet. The internet doesn’t know me. It’s very Jenn to be ahead of the curve. I like to be a trendsetter. (hahahahaha).
So…I have been reading articles about the female mid-life crisis and I have found most of them to be helpful. This one in particular I liked, and I’m going to write about it below to help me get a better grasp on some of the things that have been bothering me.
- You’re asking yourself some deep, probing questions. Yes. Am I happy with where I am in life? What can I do to be a better person? A more successful person? A fitter person? Am I a good mother? Step-mother? Am I a good wife? The silver lining, I suppose, is that I’m actually making an effort to answer these questions. I think in the end this will make me a better person.
- You’re making rash decisions. Yes. Do you like my new car? My new pixie cut? Lol.
- You feel as if you’re slowly losing your mind. Oh yes, very much this. I can’t keep track of things or remember things from minute to minute. It’s frustrating as fuck. My patience is running very thin nowadays as well.
- Sleeping through the night has become a thing of the past. Yep. No more sleep for me. I’m grateful if I manage four to five hours a night.
- Your vision of the future is pretty dismal. I’m on the fence with this one. In some regards, yes. But on the flip side, I see glitter, kittens, and rainbows when I think about my future with D.
- You feel like life is one big pile of blah. I dread the routine. I hate the routine. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Things that used to interest me: reading, shopping, fashion, running…are all very meh right now. Additionally, I sort of hate my job/career. I want to hide under a pile of blankets and just sleep through it all.
- You’re walking around with an overwhelming sense of loss. It’s more accurate to say I’m walking around with a low grade depression.
- You have become overly concerned about your appearance. Oh yes. 100 times this. I’m obsessed with my appearance and find it lacking in every way. I can buy all the expensive skin care products and make-up in the world, but it can’t change what I hate about my face, which is everything. I’d be better off putting on a ski mask and calling it a day.
- …Or you throw in the towel when it comes to your looks. Not even close. I almost wish I would, honestly. Life would be so much simpler. Though I will say my general malaise combined with various physical ailments has made it more difficult for me to control things like my weight, which feels like giving up, and is adding to my depression.
- You rarely (if ever) have interest in sex. NOPE. If anything, I want more sex than I get. My sex drive is at an all time high. The real mind fuck is when you want all the sex, but you also think you are so repulsive that nobody in their right mind would every want to have sex with you.
- You think of yourself as an old person. Yep. I find myself listening to more old music than new. I find it harder to get shit done physically. I see my body changing in ways I don’t like due to metabolism changes, hormonal changes, and wrinkles. It’s rough.
- You feel as if your best days are behind you. I refuse to allow this to be the case. I’m going to go down fighting. But I’d be lying if I don’t worry about it from time to time. Especially when it comes to my career. Part of why I want to open these new office locations is because I need something to look forward to professionally. I feel like I’m in a rut and I just can’t imagine being in this same situation 10+ years down the road.
- You assume that every bad day means you’re in the throes of a midlife crisis. Haha. This is so me. I have a bad day or even a bad morning/afternoon and I become convinced that my entire life is spiraling out of control. This comes with being dramatic as fuck. The good news is that reading this article, thinking it through, coming up with a plan of action, and talking/writing out my feelings makes a really big difference. All is not fucked. I know this in my heart. Sometimes you’ve just gotta feel your feelings though, ya know?