Just hot flashing at 3:36 am.
I have insomnia, and the internet is boring, but I’m too lazy to fetch my Kindle from the other room. This is a recurring theme.
My husband woke up briefly, mumbled, “Hi you’re up,” and then immediately started snoring again. I envy his ability to sleep.
I, on the other hand, fell asleep around 2 am and woke around 4:15 am. Sigh.
I’ve never been a good sleeper, but it has definitely gotten worse post-menopause. Just another reason to miss my ovaries.
I was talking to a client last week who is also a fellow breast cancer survivor. We’ve had all the same surgeries. We commiserated for a while, but then she asked, “But doesn’t it feel good knowing we did everything we could?” And, yes, yes it does.
I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe some sleeping pills. I need some relief. This is ridiculous.
I FEEL LIKE I’M AWAKE ALL THE TIME. This is not good for one’s mental health, let me tell you.
It reminds me of my grandmother, actually. She always seemed to be awake too. See…I’m old. BUT I’M ONLY 40. *lol sob*
Speaking of old, the fans at the Blink concert had me feeling quite old. I kept thinking: these are not my people. (DMB has spoiled me). It was still a good show though, and it was fun watching my husband and daughter do their thing. ❤️
I miss Tom a lot. The band just isn’t the same without him. We’re seeing him next Sunday though, so yay! Oh and I can’t hear Matt Skiba without thinking about my favorite Alkaline Trio song. This has been stuck in my head all night:
This Could Be Love
I’ve got a book of matches
I’ve got a can of kerosene
I’ve got some bright ideas involving you and me
I don’t blame you for walking away
I touch myself at thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days
I had my yearly oncology appointment yesterday. It’s still weird to me that I only go once a year. It makes me feel nervous.
The short version is that he wants me to start Lexapro to help with some of my menopause side effects, and also to help with my depression/anxiety. It is sitting at Walgreens waiting for me to pick it up. I suppose I’ll start it tonight if I can manage to get out of the house later. Fingers crossed it goes over better than the Effexor did.
He wants me to go back on Tamoxifen (or a similar drug) at some point, but told me to take the next six months to allow my body to continue to recover from the hell it went though with the hysterectomy/oophorectomy. So I go back in May to deal with that.
Considering all the bad news I’ve gotten recently regarding friends being diagnosed with cancer, I will take the pills and be happy I have that to fall back on.
Oh and it occurred to me yesterday that I’m a six year survivor! How about that!
2018 has been a difficult year for me, both health-wise and career-wise. But, as always, I have come out on the other side better for all of it. My motto for the year has been: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
From a health perspective: I have eliminated my chance of cervical and ovarian cancer, as well as drastically reduced my risk of breast cancer recurrence. It was a hard road to recovery, but I’m here now, and while there are some shitty side effects, I don’t regret my decision to have the surgeries.
As for my career: 2018 has been the most litigious year yet. It has been stressful as fuck, but I continue to learn and grow as an attorney. I am a better attorney today than I was on 1/1/18. These experiences have emboldened me, and I have started taking more complicated cases as a result. I take more chances. I have more confidence in my abilities. I am grateful for that.
My afternoon project has been a massive closet and bathroom cleaning.
I guess I don’t need this anymore:
I am no longer a virgin.
I sent this to my husband after I walked out of the doctor’s office.
THEY JUST RESCHEDULED MY APPOINTMENT UNTIL FUCKING TUESDAY. I’M SO ANGRY.
Fuck it. I’m going to do what I want. I’m over this nonsense.
The husband woke up, cuddled up to me, and whispered, “Happy sex day.”
As I’m starting to feel more like myself, it’s getting increasingly difficult to not have sex. We had a close call last night.
Ahhhhhh! So frustrated.
Less than two weeks to go. Hopefully.
A combination of:
It’s like being a virgin again.
At least I can get the husband off. I’m not allowed to even orgasm on my own. So frustrating.
We have a few more weeks of this nonsense to go.
My next follow-up appointment with the doc is 5/31. Fingers crossed that I’m given the all clear that day.
So…no more Effexor for me.
I took the second dose after dinner. Over the course of the night my headache and nausea got pretty bad, but I was handling it. I went to bed, and my thoughts started racing and turned quite dark. My heart was beating super fast. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my body, and started having suicidal thoughts. I was dry heaving and it felt like my left eye was going to explode. My poor husband woke up and found out what was going on. Naturally, he was freaking out. He sat with me through the worst of it, and I finally fell asleep sometime around three.
Fuck. That. Shit.
I guess it’s time to look into some natural remedies.