I want you, you’ve had your fun, you don’t get well no more
I want you, your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful, darling, you might fall
Someone reached out to me yesterday to ask if I would have a difficult conversation with our mutual loved one. She has attempted the conversation herself only to be shut down, and, as she put it, I’m “the only one____ really listens to.”
It’s a conversation regarding health issues: both physical and mental. So I guess I’m going to do it, and hope for the best.
Luckily, I’m quite good/experienced at having difficult conversations where I tell someone something they don’t want to deal with. I mean…that’s essentially my entire job.
She’s home, and there has been a lot of talking, venting, cuddles, laughing, and a little bit of crying. We’re all so happy to be back to us.
My return to paper journaling has helped me a lot this week. More than I expected.
I had a breakdown in the middle of a hospital last night.
I was confused as to how to get out, because I’m directionally challenged on my best days, and I couldn’t find my keys, and I leaned against the wall and just started sobbing. After six hours of holding it all in, I just couldn’t anymore. A nurse came over and helped me find my way (and my keys).
There are still kind people in the world.
Then I ran into someone I kind of know and that was weird because we’re both there for awful reasons and there are other weird things going on and I think I was nice and comforting to her but I was in a daze so I don’t really know.
On my rush to the airport to pick up D, I went the wrong way onto the highway. I realized it almost right away, thankfully. I sobbed the entire way to the airport.
There’s no point to this other than to get it out. Maybe that will help. Gotta keep writing it out. It would be easy to just shut down. Can’t do that. Gotta keep it together.
My husband is devastated. It hurts to look at him. The sadness is just emanating from him.
I feel like the world has been turned upside down. I woke up this morning and it wasn’t all a nightmare. How. Why. Idk.
I’m way off the rails with my diet and exercise. I look at myself and only see a mess that I need to clean up. It occurred to me, however, that this is exactly what’s wrong with society, and my mindset perpetuates that bullshit. And so, while I intend to start taking better care of myself, it’s going to be because I want to be healthier, and not because I need to fit some bullshit mold of what a woman should be/look like. I’m lovely as is: inside and out. I need to remember that impressionable minds are looking to me as a role model. I have to practice what I preach.
Get it together, Jenn.
Somebody made a joke tonight about cutting themselves, and I literally flinched. It was like taking an emotional bullet.
The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.
I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.
It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.
I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.
I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.