I have a date with Michael tomorrow night, and I’m really nervous.
Things have been so hectic recently, so I’m most grateful for this long weekend.
Last night, D and I had a date night. We got all dressed up. We had oysters. I drank all the prosecco. It was lovely. It was good to reconnect with him in a formal way. We’ve been seeing a lot of other people lately, and needed time for just us.
Who are the other people? M&J. We are seeing C&J tonight. That is our covid bubble.
Things have gotten slightly more intense with M&J. J wants more girl nights. M has asked if we can see each other regularly. I think he wants to see me every week, but that’s too much. I could do every two weeks. Maybe. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy spending time with him, because I really do, and I do want to be “official.” I just will not do it at the expense of time with D and the kids – so I have to strike the right balance. He wanted to go out next Thursday, and I suggested the Thursday after instead. Next Thursday, I plan to have another date night with my husband, as it will be our only kid-free night next week.
Also – I’ve been asked out for drinks by another guy that I’m into. We know him (and his wife) through M&J and have hung with them all recently. So technically they are also in our little bubble by default. His name also starts with an M, and his last name starts with a D, so I have no idea what to call him here. I guess I’ll just call him by his name: Michael.
I guess I should add for clarification that D and I have discussed trying separate dates / not as part of a couple. I guess people call those hall passes? Idk the right terminology. We have to approve the other person – meaning we have to be comfortable with the scenario. We have to talk out all the rules still, but he has a couple of ladies he wants to chat up. It’s cute, because he asked if I would help him. Aww. Which I totally will!
This was the natural next step for us given that he’s not necessarily as into the wives of the guys I’m into. Neither of us want anyone to take one for the team, but we also aren’t ready to stop this little adventure either. It has definitely spiced things up around here. (No red waste!)
But at this point, I am definitely at capacity. I do not have the time, energy, or desire to invest in anyone else right now. I am excited to see where these current scenarios lead.
My date with M was great. We went to this hole in the wall Mexican place that was absolutely delish.
We then headed back to my place for (more) drinks.
We had sex (duh), which was good, but my favorite part was the conversation. I love lively discourse. We talked a lot about music. We talked about childhood traumas. We laughed because my cat went under the bed and started clawing at us from the space between the headboard and the mattress. (She was like: Get oooooouuuuuttttt! That’s my mom! You are not the father!!) (PS: if you get that reference, I fucking love you).
M is such a gentleman. He opens doors for me, which is really sweet. He holds my hand while we’re walking. I’m an old fashioned gal when it comes to romance. I like to be treated like a queen.
Oh and I must have looked really hot, because when he saw me he was like “Whoa look at you!” And when we got to the restaurant, I got all sorts of looks/stares. So I was either looking hot or like a hot mess. My dress was very short.
The really great thing is that these nights inevitably lead to the hottest, most passionate fucks with my husband the next morning. GOD DAMN. Did I have a great time with M? Yes. Does it even begin to compare with the fun I have with D? Nope. BUT it does add a little spice. We talked non-stop from about six pm to one am tonight about all the things. (At one point, we held each other and sobbed because…well you know why).
I’ve decided I’m not going to hide my lifestyle choices any longer. I’m not necessarily going to broadcast that we’re poly, but I’m not going to hide it either. I’ve been (mostly) hiding it for ten years (being in the LS). I’m over it.
I am who I am. 🤷🏻♀️
In fact, I outted us to Freya tonight. I really don’t think she was surprised tho. She likes to hang around and listen to our chit chat/banter, so she’s picked up on a lot of shit.
It’s 2:33 am. I should really go the fuck to sleep.
PS AGAIN: I’m not proofreading this. Forgive me.
I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).
This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.
The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.
BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)
We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!
I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.
I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.
My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.
Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.
But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.
I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)
OH AND I RAN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. Difficult, but good.
I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.
There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:
As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”
This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.
I had a really nice time last night.
I talked about D a lot, but he talked about J a lot, so it was fine.
It felt a bit awkward at first, but wine helped. We had a dinner reservation, but ended up skipping it. We had fun just hanging out at his place. We are both introverts, so that suited us just fine. (D and J are the ones who really love going out – so that kind of works out).
I got to visit with J for a bit before I left, which was also nice. They have turned into really good friends. In fact, sounds like we may be spending Thanksgiving with them.
When I got home, D and I talked about my night. Communication is key. I am not willing to do anything that will fuck us up, and neither is he.
Your long term seemingly unattainable girl crush tells you she’s been crushing on you for years, and you two start vibing like whoa. 🥰
Last night, J referred to D and I as polyamorous after hearing my description of how we conduct our non-monogamous relationship. Basically, we are only interested in other couples with whom we have a certain connection, and it is a very short list. We aren’t interested in going out and fucking just anyone. We don’t do hall passes. We don’t really consider ourselves to be swingers. For the record, there is nothing wrong with that lifestyle, it’s just not what we’re doing currently.
Anyway – it has given me something to think about. D and I discussed it during our lunch debrief this afternoon (which is our post couple date tradition now). We don’t really want to label ourselves, but it’s interesting to discuss/think about/study. I find sexuality within long term relationships to be extremely interesting. I love that we have a relationship where we can try new things and grow as a couple. (Gotta avoid the red waste ♥️)