Tag Archives: random babble

Craving

Peking Duck, but with buns instead of pancakes, which is difficult to find, and bbq pork bao. I think a trip to Royal Chinese BBQ or maybe Lulu’s is in order. I’m seeing C tomorrow night so I’m going to ask him for suggestions. His homemade bao is *chef’s kiss*

Tomorrow night, I will finally have the amazing French onion soup I’ve been dreaming of, and I’m so fucking ready for it.

I’ve had no appetite for days, but it finally kicked back in today, and I demolished a mini STL style pizza from Sybergs for lunch this afternoon. I even dipped it in caesar dressing! Mmm. Don’t judge!! LOL

My docs are worried about my weight. I’m disappearing. I either skip meals or only have a few bites. I’ve been supplementing with protein drinks and orange juice to get in calories where I can. I get full really quickly because of the cancer in my gut, and the narcotics are appetite suppressants.

You know what’s so fucked up though? I love how skinny I am. I wish I was stronger/more toned, but fuck if I don’t love seeing these low numbers on my scale. I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating my entire life. It makes me sad that I’m secretly pleased about the weight loss. And…that’s my dirty little secret, friends.

Well one of them anyway. Ha!

jenn goes bonker balls: a ramble

I’m on my laptop, and that always feels like a good excuse to update the blog. Typing is just so much easier on a full size keyboard. I’m old school. And…old. haha

Lots of stuff going on this week. Tonight is Jackson’s choir concert. The entire fam, plus Annie, will be going to that. I have invited my ex to sit with us, and it will be interesting to see if he accepts that invitation. It has been over ten years since we split, but he still holds a big time grudge against D, so that makes things quite awkward. However, my ex visited me in the hospital last month (when he brought Jackson up) and he actually said “take it easy” to D as he left. So that was def progress. My ex likes my bestie, so she will be a good buffer. I just really need G (my ex) and D to be able to talk to each other. Once I’m gone, they are going to have to communicate somewhat extensively. D is the trustee of Jackson’s trust, and there is going to be a lot of stuff to hash out over the years. I worry about this a lot. I’m a control freak, and so I am trying to control the future, which I obviously cannot do. All I can do is try to set things up to go as smoothly as possible. The rest is out of my hands. This has been a tough pill to swallow. Anyway send good vibes for tonight. LOL.

In the same “worried control freak mom” vein: both of my kids are having friendship issues right now and are struggling socially. I know this is totally normal and will pass. I also know that it drives me crazy that I can’t fix it for them. I hate seeing them suffer. And I keep thinking worst case scenario stuff like: what if I die and they have no friends to support them? Right now I’m Freya’s confidant, so what happens when I’m not around to fill that role anymore? What happens when I’m not around to be the mediator between Jackson and his dad? Who will Jackson open up to about his feelings when I’m not around to prod him? I know they worry about these things too. UGH – worry, anxiety, sadness…I’m trying to fight back, but it feels like that’s the atmosphere around here lately. And really – why wouldn’t it be? That’s totally normal given what we have going on. It’s a suck.

But I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. Death is a normal part of life. They were always going to grow up and move on. I was always going to be come less important in their lives. They will be absolutely fine. They will thrive. I can die knowing I’ve set them up to be emotionally and financially stable.

Then I start to worry about D. And that is an entire other thing. So much worry and sadness. I don’t want to get into that right now. I don’t want to spend my day crying over shit I cannot change.

This ended up being a trauma dump, which was not my original intent, but maybe it’s a good thing. It’s good to get the feels out, and that is always how I’ve used this blog. Why stop now? Anyway – what I was originally going to talk about is how this is a busy day/week, and I’m happy with how it’s going so far. I’m feeling okay-ish. Enough so that I got some errands done this morning. I’m excited about tonight, and plan to take the fam out for dinner after the concert. Looking forward to having that time together.

I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by everything going on this week (especially this weekend – yikes). It’s nice to have stuff planned, and to feel like a (somewhat) normal person just enjoying the holiday season. One big thing happening this weekend is we are having a photographer come out on Saturday morning to take some family pics. This is really important to me, and I’m hopeful we will get some great shots. But then we are having our holiday party with our besties on Saturday night – so it’s just a lot. (Oh and D’s work holiday party on Friday night / Freya’s choir concert. Busy fucking weekend).

It’s going to be fine! Deep breaths. Enjoy the ride.

Weekend Update

Haven’t been feeling the greatest, but I’m powering through. Seize the day, for the days are limited.

Last night, two of Jackson’s friends came over for his belated birthday sleepover. These are newish friends so I didn’t know what to expect. Both kids were very polite and well behaved. I barely knew they were here. Jackson had a great time, and that was so important to me, especially given everything we have going on. It’s a relief to know he has good friends he can lean on.

D and I have been watching Christmas movies, but not the classics. Those we save for Christmas Eve and the big day. Friday night we watched Four Christmases, which we hadn’t seen before, and last night was a rewatch of Office Christmas Party. We will be watching another tonight with the kids as part of the advent calendar surprise I have planned for tonight. Can’t say much about it yet, because Freya reads my blog. 🤐

Ooh and speaking of classics, we have tickets to see It’s A Wonderful Life in the theater on the 18th!! 🥰

This afternoon I have a lunch date with my husband. Afterwards, Frey and I are going shopping for the little 5 yo girl I adopted for Christmas. Her list says she wants LOL dolls, Shopkins, and winter clothes. I had to ask Frey to explain Shopkins to me, as I was confused by what I was seeing online. Haha. Weird shit, but whatever. I’m going to hook this little girl up. Whenever I think of her opening her gifts on Christmas morning, I get all teary eyed. I wish I could get some stuff for her mom too, but this is a kids only thing. I should have found a family to adopt, but I didn’t want to get in over my head.

I can’t believe it’s already Sunday. I wish we could get an extra day of weekend. Now that I’m retired, my weeks feel so very long, and I live for weekends so I can hang with the fam. This will be a weird week because D is traveling. Though my bestie will be staying over the two nights he’s gone, so that will be fun. I have chemo tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it because I want to kill some fucking cancer. Hopefully, it will treat me as gently as it did this last week.

I’m still worried about my eye. It’s swollen, and it’s sore inside/behind the eye. Something is def going on. I’m going to ask for a referral to an ophthalmologist. Gah – it’s always something. I’m tired, yo.

We’ve been discussing NYE. Our friend is throwing another party. This year it’s at The Fortune Teller Bar, which is a cool af venue, so I think we’re going to get tickets for that, and hopefully my body will cooperate. A lot of the LS crowd will be there, so it will be fun to hang with some old friends we haven’t seen in a bit. We’ve been out of that mix for about a year now. I miss my peeps!

I was also eyeing the NYE event at Jazz STL, but it’s crazy expensive, and I just don’t know if that’s the right vibe for us this year. I do miss live music tho, and I’m hoping we can get out for a show soon. I really enjoy jazz. I like it more than D does, but he indulges me like a good husband.

TTFN 😘

2:35 am

My sleep schedule is fucked. I am still very much on European time. I slept on and off all afternoon, which I know was a mistake, but my body needed it. The result is that I’m now wide awake in the 2 o’clock hour.

My body is such a fucking mess. I feel broken. The fluid in my abdomen is painful and heavy, making it difficult to take deep breaths. My feet and legs are still swollen, though less so, thank goodness. I keep feeling panicky and like I can’t breathe. I just took a Xanax, which should help. I’ve been popping them like candy the past couple of days.

I’m trying to show myself a lot of grace this weekend. I deserve the time and space to rest and recover. I forced my body to its breaking point for the trip. I don’t regret it, but I have to be patient with it now. This is the cost.

I worry this was my last big trip. I don’t think I could handle another, unless something changes. I really, really need a treatment to work for me and give me some of my control back.

I still haven’t decided what to do about treatment. My three options are:

  • Restart Verzenio at a reduced dose.
  • Start Kisqali, which is a pill in the same class as V.
  • Start Erubilin, which is IV chemo.

I think I’m leaning towards starting Kisqali. I’m not convinced that Verzenio, even at a lower dose, won’t cause the same GI issues as before. At this point, quality of life is the most important thing to me. I don’t want to be sick all the time just to extend my life for a few months. What’s the point in being alive if I’m not enjoying it?

Hopefully writing that out will clear my head and allow for some more rest. I can feel the Xanax kicking in.

That feeling when you’ve got the perfect high going…

I got swept up in some work drama this afternoon, which resulted in me drafting a couple of last minute motions. It was exhilarating, annoying, and exhausting, all at once.

I’m now on season 2 of Never Have I Ever, and it’s the cutest. I also need to watch the latest season of Maisel. And continue on with Discovering Anna. Plus, there are like four newish horror movies to watch. Oh oh oh, and…STUDIO 666. 😍

It’s March 1st, which means a new Reading Rivalry competition has begun. I’m halfway through my first book, and I have my next two planned. This month’s overall theme will be challenging for me, but I’m looking forward to expanding my horizons.

I’m halfway through Cursed by Jennifer Armentrout, and I’m surprisingly into it. I’m not typically into fantasy-romance, but it has my attention.

In fact, I guess I should get back to it.

xoxo

(I didn’t mention cancer even once…Oops)

3:51 am

If only I could sleep through the night. Sigh.

I’m anxious about the big docket this morning. Starts at 9. Should be over in like an hour. The plan is to then spend the afternoon at a winery with D, and the evening with my gf. How delightful.

After school drop-off later this morning, we will be gloriously kid-free until Tuesday afternoon. We need this. Our plans are still up in the air, but we have a swinger date on Friday night, so that should be fun. (Kind of a blast from the past too, but more on that later). I’ve also been promised dinner at my favorite French bistro that has the most incredible onion soup E•V•E•R.

I took two doses of oxy in the past 24 hours, and now my body is itchy. I hate that I have this reaction to narcotics, but fuck I sure do feel a lot better otherwise.

I feel like a terrible friend. I have so many people I’ve been neglecting. I need to set up dinner dates with the besties. At least I’ll get to see Annie on Thursday afternoon while we’re getting our hair done. Woo.

I’m only blogging because I’m bored, and I don’t feel like reading. I have to be up for the day in just 2 1/2 hours. I’ve been awake for an hour already. This nonsense needs to stop, but I think this is just my life now tbh. I remember my grandmother seemingly always being awake, and I’m feeling like that more and more.

Things coming up in the next month-ish:

  • Swinger date(s)
  • Tree climbing adventure with Karen (yes, I’m hanging with Freya’s mom again. We’re friends now)
  • Vintage market days
  • Freya’s homecoming!
  • Various friend dates
  • Road trip to Cleveland to visit L&L
  • St. Vincent!!
  • Hopefully the book swap party – I need to get an evite out asap.

Oh and it’s September now, which, in my mind, means it’s the first day of autumn. Lol. Gonna start decorating, and planning the Halloween party.

Okay so I’m actually extremely fucking tired, so let’s see if my dumb ass brain will actually allow more sleep.

•kiss-kiss•

some tuesday tidings

I woke up feeling pretty good today. My energy is high (for me). I think today will be a good day.

On today’s agenda:

  • Cleaning all the things.
  • Finish up drafting a few legal docs.
  • Taking the boy to get a much needed haircut. He def has my hair – well the hair I used to have pre-cancer. It grows quickly and is very thick. His dad is bald, and has been for years, so he got lucky.
  • Picking up the girl from band at 4:30. I’m just waiting for her to ask if she can go to her bf’s house or if he can come here. Ugh. She is obsessed with this kid, and it is affecting everything she does (including her life goals – like she doesn’t want to go to college anymore, just wants to marry this kid). He was here last night. Had dinner with us. Then later they got busted getting it on – yep, yep, yep that happened. D is freaking out/furious/disappointed. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. There is a lot more going on that I am not going to share here, but none of it is good. She is quite the handful right now. I’m just lucky that she confides in me so that I can try to keep her from going completely off the rails. She does seem to take my advice to heart most of the time.
  • After that, I have to pretty myself up for date night with my gf. We are going to Dave & Busters tonight. I’m so excited.

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be driving about an hour for an in-person court hearing. It sounds like I only need a continuance, so it sucks that this requires an appearance, but it will be sort of good to get out into the mix; even if it is for something fucking stupid.

I do hate the clerks down in this particular county though. The PA, too. They are all a bunch of dicks and they hate the “big city attorneys” and treat us like shit. One of them asked me once if I was stupid because I asked about one of their procedures – I’m serious. LOL forever. Fucking hicks. I bet I get the Delta Variant down there.

Anyhoo – I have high hopes that these cancer meds are actually working for me, and that is maybe why I am feeling better, and that maybe life will feel normal for a bit. I/we deserve it.

xoxo

Wordy Wednesday

  • I’m going to try to do a Facebook Live every Wednesday. I’m calling it Weed Wednesdays – lol. I did my first this morning. If you want to check it out: https://www.facebook.com/jenn.alter.rieken – it’s set to public.
  • I’m currently reading The Final Girl Support Group, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages. I’m about a third of the way through, and I’m disappointed so far. I think it has been too hyped. My plan is to finish it today.
  • Next up: For Your Own Good by Samantha Downing, which I’ve also been anxiously awaiting. I’ve loved all of her stuff so far, so expectations are high.
  • I woke up feeling pretty good today, and I hope that lasts. I hope it at least lasts through tomorrow, since tomorrow is my birthday!!
  • D and I have both been struggling with our aging as of late, but we agree that the only thing worse than aging is not aging. Still, we want to try harder to control the chaos once we get home.
  • There isn’t much to report really. We are in full-on relaxation mode. The beach is healing. I adore the ocean, and am in awe of it. My early mornings sitting out on the balcony are becoming my favorite time of day. I’m going to miss it, but hope to find a way to make that time of day equally as relaxing once I get home.
  • I do miss my fur babies very much. My neighbors are doing a fabulous job with the girls, and send me updates, which I very much appreciate. I wish we were getting more updates on Bizzy. He’s being boarded. (Violet isn’t allowed to be boarded. Lol. It’s a long story).
  • I’m so appreciative of this time off/away. I’m not quite homesick yet, but I feel it coming. I miss my pets, my bed, and my gf.
  • I have a gf. 🥰
  • Trying to decide if I’m going to take Frey to the outlets today for some shopping. 🤔
  • Life is good. 😘😘

riding the rollercoaster: day in/day out

I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.

To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.

So that’s fun.

Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.

Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?

Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.

Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.

***

I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…

I won’t say it.

***

If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.

Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.

***

I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.

Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!

This post is all over the place, just like my brain.

I hope your Friday treats you kindly.

Take it easy, but take it!

xoxoxo

Randomness

– I am high on a gummy and it’s a delight.

– The Conjuring, in particular, and horror generally, is my go-to source of comfort. Current status: on the couch, high af, watching TC on Netflix. Up next: The Conjuring 2. Lol.

Zofran is my new best friend.

I’m getting better at allowing myself to just be, and not beating myself up for not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.

Like my weight, for example: I’ve gained some back since stopping keto, but I’m not obsessing (too much – ha). I’m being gentle with myself for the first time maybe ever.

Let’s talk side effects so far: fatigue, dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and headache.

I’m going to try to get back to my normal routine tomorrow. I think some normalcy would do me good.

Oh and here is a pic of me from yesterday, just because I like it.

the tgif post

Wow – court is going very poorly today. I was number one on the 10:30 am docket, and we just started my case at 11:50. We are having lots of tech issues with the phone conference software today, and I just don’t understand how we can have so many phone problems. It’s 2021 – shouldn’t we be better than this? I hate to say it: but I think I’m ready for in-person court again. This shit is ridiculous.

I continue to scour the internet to try to find a vaccine appointment for Dave. Our (shitty) governor is eliminating all tiers as of April 9 (i think) and so I want to get him vaccinated asap (though he is already eligible under the current tier so it doesn’t really matter I guess/i just wanted to mention that Parsons is a dickbag). Trying to find an appointment is a full-time job on its own. As of tomorrow, my waiting period will be over and I will be considered fully vaccinated. That’s very exciting.

Today was weigh-in day, and I fell about .4 short of my 1% for the week, but I’m not too worried. I weighed in at 138.6 this morning, but I was as low as 136.7 yesterday morning. Weight fluctuates so much that I try not to get too stuck on a particular number as long as I am showing a loss from the previous Friday. It doesn’t help that my date night with Matt is on Thursday nights, and there is usually much eating and drinking on those nights. We got deep into some (shitty) beers last night – like I think I drank three Coronas. We had such a good time though, and it was totally worth it. We have gotten to a very comfortable point with each other where the conversation flows super well – like we run out of time before we run out of shit to say. I love that.

I have been trying on all my clothes over the last few days, and have so much stuff that doesn’t fit. I’m embarrassed by how much of it still has the tags attached! Oops. The issue is that I buy stuff, but then I don’t return it when it doesn’t fit or I don’t like it. I suck at returning stuff, like I can’t remember the last time I returned something. It has seriously been years. Anyway – I am in need of a few replacement items, so I am thinking about hitting up the outlets tomorrow to do a little shopping, assuming it’s not raining, of course. I am so over all of this rain.

D’s college bestie arrived last night, and they are downstairs playing Axis & Allies Pacific in the dining room. I hear bursts of loud laughter occasionally, and it makes me happy to know that D is having fun. He has been super stressed recently, and he really needs this time to unwind. We came home from a very fun night out on Tuesday, where he got quite intoxicated, and then had a bit of a breakdown. I am determined to do what I can to alleviate as much stress for him as I can. Obviously, I cannot do much for his work stress, but I can eliminate household stress by stepping up my game around here – so that is the new plan. Already in effect!

Alrighty – it is a little after noon now. Court is finally over. I am starving. I need to get some food and get myself dressed and presentable. I have 2 pm and 3 pm consults, and then I’m off to pick up Corrine and head over to Third Wheel for the lawyer happy hour tonight. Our lawyer pal rage quit his job a few weeks ago, so several of us are getting together to buy him drinks and get the scoop. It will be good to see everyone. It has been too long. C and I are arriving a bit early so we can have some girl talk prior to everyone else arriving. I have so much to tell her!

Happy Friday. I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

xoxo

friday five

  1. I can tell I’m going to have a hard time adjusting to my new paralegal set-up. I’ve had the same assistant for the last ten years, and now she’s transitioning into a different position. I will still be working with her in my crim/traffic practice, but now have a staff of three new bankruptcy paralegals to rely upon, and I don’t wanna. lol. I want K. K is my person. I’m trying not to panic.
  2. I woke up feeling pretty shitty today, but otherwise in a good mood. The spring allergies are definitely trying to kill me. I also might be a touch hungover from the tequila and prosecco M and I shared last night. My face feels like it’s going to explode. No bueno. I need to stop somewhere in stl county and pick up some Claritin D. (You can’t get pseudoephedrine in my county w/o a prescription, because my county is fucking stupid).
  3. Speaking of last night, I had such a lovely time. Our relationship has def leveled up these past couple of months, and I am here for it. He really does feel like my actual boyfriend at this point. It’s nice.
  4. I stayed up late reading last night, and now I need another book. I have several unread books nearby, and a long to-read list on Goodreads, and still I search. It has to be exactly the right book for right now. That’s just how it goes for me. #booknerd
  5. This weekend has a lot of potential. Tonight is Friday night dinner date with my love, which is always the highlight of my week. How it’s possible to adore someone so much is beyond me, but it’s amazing. We are going to the outdoor beer festival at our neighborhood brewery tomorrow afternoon, which will be tits. N&N want to hang out, so maybe we will invite them along. The kids will be home, and I’d like to spend some quality time with them assuming they allow it. Fucking tween/teens, bro. Oh and I have a Zoom date with MVS on Sunday that I am very much looking forward to. Our first (virtual) date!

Happy weekending, y’all.
XOXO