- I’m going to try to do a Facebook Live every Wednesday. I’m calling it Weed Wednesdays – lol. I did my first this morning. If you want to check it out: https://www.facebook.com/jenn.alter.rieken – it’s set to public.
- I’m currently reading The Final Girl Support Group, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages. I’m about a third of the way through, and I’m disappointed so far. I think it has been too hyped. My plan is to finish it today.
- Next up: For Your Own Good by Samantha Downing, which I’ve also been anxiously awaiting. I’ve loved all of her stuff so far, so expectations are high.
- I woke up feeling pretty good today, and I hope that lasts. I hope it at least lasts through tomorrow, since tomorrow is my birthday!!
- D and I have both been struggling with our aging as of late, but we agree that the only thing worse than aging is not aging. Still, we want to try harder to control the chaos once we get home.
- There isn’t much to report really. We are in full-on relaxation mode. The beach is healing. I adore the ocean, and am in awe of it. My early mornings sitting out on the balcony are becoming my favorite time of day. I’m going to miss it, but hope to find a way to make that time of day equally as relaxing once I get home.
- I do miss my fur babies very much. My neighbors are doing a fabulous job with the girls, and send me updates, which I very much appreciate. I wish we were getting more updates on Bizzy. He’s being boarded. (Violet isn’t allowed to be boarded. Lol. It’s a long story).
- I’m so appreciative of this time off/away. I’m not quite homesick yet, but I feel it coming. I miss my pets, my bed, and my gf.
- I have a gf. 🥰
- Trying to decide if I’m going to take Frey to the outlets today for some shopping. 🤔
- Life is good. 😘😘
I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.
To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.
So that’s fun.
Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.
Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?
Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.
Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.
I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…
I won’t say it.
If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.
Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.
I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.
Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!
This post is all over the place, just like my brain.
I hope your Friday treats you kindly.
Take it easy, but take it!
– I am high on a gummy and it’s a delight.
– The Conjuring, in particular, and horror generally, is my go-to source of comfort. Current status: on the couch, high af, watching TC on Netflix. Up next: The Conjuring 2. Lol.
Zofran is my new best friend.
I’m getting better at allowing myself to just be, and not beating myself up for not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.
Like my weight, for example: I’ve gained some back since stopping keto, but I’m not obsessing (too much – ha). I’m being gentle with myself for the first time maybe ever.
Let’s talk side effects so far: fatigue, dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and headache.
I’m going to try to get back to my normal routine tomorrow. I think some normalcy would do me good.
Oh and here is a pic of me from yesterday, just because I like it.
Wow – court is going very poorly today. I was number one on the 10:30 am docket, and we just started my case at 11:50. We are having lots of tech issues with the phone conference software today, and I just don’t understand how we can have so many phone problems. It’s 2021 – shouldn’t we be better than this? I hate to say it: but I think I’m ready for in-person court again. This shit is ridiculous.
I continue to scour the internet to try to find a vaccine appointment for Dave. Our (shitty) governor is eliminating all tiers as of April 9 (i think) and so I want to get him vaccinated asap (though he is already eligible under the current tier so it doesn’t really matter I guess/i just wanted to mention that Parsons is a dickbag). Trying to find an appointment is a full-time job on its own. As of tomorrow, my waiting period will be over and I will be considered fully vaccinated. That’s very exciting.
Today was weigh-in day, and I fell about .4 short of my 1% for the week, but I’m not too worried. I weighed in at 138.6 this morning, but I was as low as 136.7 yesterday morning. Weight fluctuates so much that I try not to get too stuck on a particular number as long as I am showing a loss from the previous Friday. It doesn’t help that my date night with Matt is on Thursday nights, and there is usually much eating and drinking on those nights. We got deep into some (shitty) beers last night – like I think I drank three Coronas. We had such a good time though, and it was totally worth it. We have gotten to a very comfortable point with each other where the conversation flows super well – like we run out of time before we run out of shit to say. I love that.
I have been trying on all my clothes over the last few days, and have so much stuff that doesn’t fit. I’m embarrassed by how much of it still has the tags attached! Oops. The issue is that I buy stuff, but then I don’t return it when it doesn’t fit or I don’t like it. I suck at returning stuff, like I can’t remember the last time I returned something. It has seriously been years. Anyway – I am in need of a few replacement items, so I am thinking about hitting up the outlets tomorrow to do a little shopping, assuming it’s not raining, of course. I am so over all of this rain.
D’s college bestie arrived last night, and they are downstairs playing Axis & Allies Pacific in the dining room. I hear bursts of loud laughter occasionally, and it makes me happy to know that D is having fun. He has been super stressed recently, and he really needs this time to unwind. We came home from a very fun night out on Tuesday, where he got quite intoxicated, and then had a bit of a breakdown. I am determined to do what I can to alleviate as much stress for him as I can. Obviously, I cannot do much for his work stress, but I can eliminate household stress by stepping up my game around here – so that is the new plan. Already in effect!
Alrighty – it is a little after noon now. Court is finally over. I am starving. I need to get some food and get myself dressed and presentable. I have 2 pm and 3 pm consults, and then I’m off to pick up Corrine and head over to Third Wheel for the lawyer happy hour tonight. Our lawyer pal rage quit his job a few weeks ago, so several of us are getting together to buy him drinks and get the scoop. It will be good to see everyone. It has been too long. C and I are arriving a bit early so we can have some girl talk prior to everyone else arriving. I have so much to tell her!
Happy Friday. I hope you have a fabulous weekend.
- I can tell I’m going to have a hard time adjusting to my new paralegal set-up. I’ve had the same assistant for the last ten years, and now she’s transitioning into a different position. I will still be working with her in my crim/traffic practice, but now have a staff of three new bankruptcy paralegals to rely upon, and I don’t wanna. lol. I want K. K is my person. I’m trying not to panic.
- I woke up feeling pretty shitty today, but otherwise in a good mood. The spring allergies are definitely trying to kill me. I also might be a touch hungover from the tequila and prosecco M and I shared last night. My face feels like it’s going to explode. No bueno. I need to stop somewhere in stl county and pick up some Claritin D. (You can’t get pseudoephedrine in my county w/o a prescription, because my county is fucking stupid).
- Speaking of last night, I had such a lovely time. Our relationship has def leveled up these past couple of months, and I am here for it. He really does feel like my actual boyfriend at this point. It’s nice.
- I stayed up late reading last night, and now I need another book. I have several unread books nearby, and a long to-read list on Goodreads, and still I search. It has to be exactly the right book for right now. That’s just how it goes for me. #booknerd
- This weekend has a lot of potential. Tonight is Friday night dinner date with my love, which is always the highlight of my week. How it’s possible to adore someone so much is beyond me, but it’s amazing. We are going to the outdoor beer festival at our neighborhood brewery tomorrow afternoon, which will be tits. N&N want to hang out, so maybe we will invite them along. The kids will be home, and I’d like to spend some quality time with them assuming they allow it. Fucking tween/teens, bro. Oh and I have a Zoom date with MVS on Sunday that I am very much looking forward to. Our first (virtual) date!
Happy weekending, y’all.
I’m trying to get back into the habit of posting my day-to-day bullshit here.
The day so far:
– huge docket at 9 am. I was stressing hardcore over this one. It is the biggest, messiest docket I’ve had since before I started my own firm. DG has a lot more cases than I do, so when I’m covering both of us, stuff gets a bit crazy. Plus, the judge is a scary man. I’ve been practicing in front of him for 14 years, and I still get anxious and nauseated before the docket. But during? Adrenaline rush. Everything moves so quickly, you barely have time to think. I love it (don’t believe the lies I tell about not loving it).
– Miscellaneous paperwork while eating my 1st meal.
– I spent two hours prepping for my 2 pm docket, which had a super weird, no good case on it,. I knew I had no chance of winning, but I was ready to bring my A game regardless. I swallowed my nerves (same judge as this morning btw), joined the conference call, and the judge couldn’t hear any of us due to technical error (he had us all on “listen only” status). So the case got continued, which is actually really good for my client, so I’ll take it as a win.
– And now? It is almost 3 pm. I am about to logout for the day. I need to shower and beautify myself, because tonight is date night with my man. He wants to do something fancy tonight, so I get a chance to dress up. I’m currently wearing raccoon printed leggings and a sweatshirt that says “I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.” Yep.
The rest of the week looks pretty good. There is no more court (*praise hands*) this week. We are kid-free until Monday afternoon. Tomorrow night is poly double date night! I am super pumped about this development. The rest of the weekend is kind of up in the air since I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday afternoon, and we aren’t sure what to expect. Still – that’s an excellent problem to have. Every other weekend this month is pretty much booked, so it’s good to have nothing planned.
My mood has been better this week. I think it’s because of all of the sunlight. It feels weird saying that since I’ve always considered myself a vampire, but I guess I am not immune from S.A.D. after all. I’m trying to enjoy this limited time where it’s not brutally cold or brutally hot. This time is so short lived here in MO.
I’m on the struggle bus with my diet this week, and I’m not sure I’m going to make my 1%. I need to get down to 139.5 by Friday morning, and I weighed in this morning at 140.9. I keep losing and gaining the same pound. It’s totally my fault. I have been cheating. Too many tequila shots, and not finishing all my water. I’ve gotta get my head back in the game. Can’t stop/won’t stop. (If for no other reason than my husband cannot keep his hands off of me, and is constantly telling me how hot I look. All the yes).
Another motivation: I told myself I cannot have any of the keto cheesecake I bought until I see the 130s on my scale. I really, really want to get high and eat some of this fucking cheesecake, so I need to get my shit in order. Jen told me it is amazing.
Okay, okay. This is boring as fuck. I know, I know.
It’s 3:24 am. Insomnia strikes again.
It’s Monday, I guess. Boo to that. It’s treatment day, too. Meh. I have anxiety over seeing my tumor markers.
I had a really good, though very busy, weekend. All the socializing really wore me out. It was totally worth it though. I especially enjoyed my lunch with A. She is such a fucking delight.
Yesterday was Metamour Day, and I made sure mine were feeling the love. I’m so happy to have them in my life.
I don’t know what to think about certain relationships. I just continue to ride the rollercoaster. I’m trying to not have expectations. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Been there, done that.
It’s March! How did that happen? This will be a good month. We have a lot of fun stuff planned already. Also – I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday. I’m excited to get that behind me.
Every day feels the same, but I really can’t complain. I’m happy. I’m loved. I’m lucky.
Pics from yesterday:
I drank too much last night, and I am really paying for it today. I feel awful. I have to remember that I cannot drink like I’m in my 30s anymore. Especially given the lack of carbs, the weight loss, and the alcohol content of what I drink nowadays (mostly tequila and wine – beer was so easy to drink and I miss it). Ugh, ugh, ugh.
But…my date with MP was wonderful. He’s so interesting and thoughtful. I had a very good time. It was definitely worth the wait.
When I got home, A was here, so I said hi to her and Dave, then ran to the bathroom to throw up. Keeping it really classy over here, peeps.
And then play that on repeat, unfortunately.
The silver lining? My weigh in was pretty amazing this morning! Ha. I made my 1% loss for the week. I came in at exactly 142. I’m going to squeal when I finally see 139 on my scale. Hopefully next week! I’ve lost a total of 12 pounds. 17 to go!
We were supposed to have Jackson with us this weekend, but his dad had to cancel his trip (he was going to Texas), so we are unexpectedly kid free. The plan tonight is the usual: steak night with my gingy babe. We have some catching up to do. We both have dates to discuss.
Tomorrow night we have reservations at our fave seafood spot, and then on Sunday we are making a weed run to Illinois. It’s about time I put my medical mj card to use.
Next week starts the new custody schedule – so we will have both kids on Mondays and Tuesdays now (and every other weekend). For a while it has been both kids on Monday, Frey on Tuesday, and Jackson on Wednesday. This will be a nice change. It’s more convenient for me, since I often have court on Wednesdays at 4 pm, which is when I’m supposed to get Jackson from school. Plus, I like the idea of having them for one long stretch at a time. When they are here, they are here.
I do miss him already though. My sweet boy.
It’s around 2 pm on Friday afternoon. I’m going to go ahead and call it a day. I feel like crawling into my (upstairs) bed and reading. MP gave me some books last night that I am very excited to dig into. First up: Lost Caves of St. Louis. I cannot wait until spring so we can get out and start exploring some stuff. My bed is extra cozy right now because M&J hooked me up with an amazing pink velvet comforter that I am obsessed with.
Okay – enough pointless rambling.
Hey, hey, Friday! It’s a little before noon and I am already done working for the day. Tis glorious.
My week in review:
– lots of court
– a fun snowy afternoon with my son (and the husky)
– ordered a strap-on
– played Truth or Drink with MP (via Zoom)
– found out that I may not be able to get the vaccine (more on this later)
– had a first date with a lady I met in the poly group. It went really well.
– and now her fiance and boyfriend are messaging me. What is my life?
– lots of hot sexy time with D. He is def showing his appreciation for my hard work.
– hit my 1% loss goal for my CR custom program. I’m now at 9 pounds lost!
Weekend stuff I’m looking forward to:
– Friday night cooking date with D tonight. Ribeye!!!
– Sunday afternoon shopping date with D. We are going shopping!
– My kids will be home this weekend, so I’m looking forward to spending time with them.
– reading. duh.
I woke up with a bad headache. I think it’s time to rest up for a bit. I have a few hours still before I need to go pick up my kids.
– Well somehow tomorrow is Monday already, which sucks.
– I have treatment tomorrow morning, and that will take up half of my day. I’m not complaining though because I’m just so very grateful that this treatment is still working.
– I joined the 10 pound take down / Code Red challenge for January, which starts tomorrow. I have two friends doing it with me, which will make it easier. I went shopping today and bought keto foods, as well as some meal prep containers, and a huge water bottle. Oh and D is being super supportive. He’s planning out some keto dinners. I’m weirdly excited.
– I think I going to buy one of those DB Method squat machines. They have amazing reviews.
– I did this to myself somehow, and it hurts like a motherfucker.
– We took down all the Christmas decor today, and I’m sort of bummed about it. The house feels so big and empty now.
I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).
This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.
The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.
BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)
We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!
I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.
I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.
My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.
Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.
But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.
I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)
OH AND I RAN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. Difficult, but good.
I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.
There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:
As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”
This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.