the insomnia chronicles

I have insomnia, and the internet is boring, but I’m too lazy to fetch my Kindle from the other room. This is a recurring theme.

My husband woke up briefly, mumbled, “Hi you’re up,” and then immediately started snoring again. I envy his ability to sleep.

I, on the other hand, fell asleep around 2 am and woke around 4:15 am. Sigh.

I’ve never been a good sleeper, but it has definitely gotten worse post-menopause. Just another reason to miss my ovaries.

I was talking to a client last week who is also a fellow breast cancer survivor. We’ve had all the same surgeries. We commiserated for a while, but then she asked, “But doesn’t it feel good knowing we did everything we could?” And, yes, yes it does.

I’m going to ask my oncologist to prescribe some sleeping pills. I need some relief. This is ridiculous.

I FEEL LIKE I’M AWAKE ALL THE TIME. This is not good for one’s mental health, let me tell you.

It reminds me of my grandmother, actually. She always seemed to be awake too. See…I’m old. BUT I’M ONLY 40. *lol sob*

Speaking of old, the fans at the Blink concert had me feeling quite old. I kept thinking: these are not my people. (DMB has spoiled me). It was still a good show though, and it was fun watching my husband and daughter do their thing. ❤️

I miss Tom a lot. The band just isn’t the same without him. We’re seeing him next Sunday though, so yay! Oh and I can’t hear Matt Skiba without thinking about my favorite Alkaline Trio song. This has been stuck in my head all night:

This Could Be Love

I’ve got a book of matches
I’ve got a can of kerosene
I’ve got some bright ideas involving you and me
I don’t blame you for walking away
I touch myself at thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days

friday the 13th fuckery and fails…oh my

I forgot to remind my ex that today is picture day, so I can only imagine wtf Jackson is wearing today.  Major mom fail!

The only upside is that it should motivate me to finally set up the professional photographer to take family pics.

Oh and speaking of not good things, this morning my favorite pin, the vintage pearl heart brooch, lost a pearl! I was able to find it, and hopefully I can glue it back in, but booooo. I fucking love that brooch! So that’s a project for this weekend I guess. One of my earrings broke this morning too – wtf?! Must be those Friday the 13th, full moon vibes.

Speaking of Friday the 13th, I am currently trying to convince my husband to watch a horror movie with me tonight. I know Freya will be into it. Ooh maybe Frey and I can go see It this weekend. Idk though…we have so much going on as it is. But that’s another post entirely (that I already have in drafts so maybe I should go post it now).

the tuesday list post

  • As I stepped out of my car this morning in the office lot, I noticed there was a used condom right there on the ground. Welcome to the city! *puke*
  • I found out yesterday that the Nicole style dress from Lularoe is being discontinued. I’m not much for LLR anymore, but I do love that style, so I have sad feelings about this. I spent about 45 minutes on Poshmark last night finding ones I want to buy. I found a cute velvet one, and also a poinsettia print that would be perfect for the holidays. I fucking love Poshmark.
  • I’m a tiny bit worried that my step-daughter is turning into a bit of a mean girl. I’m hoping it’s just a middle school phase. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I’m doing intervention when and where I can.  I’d love to discuss it with her mom actually, but that just never ever goes well. Trust me.
  • I don’t do audio books. I feel like it’s cheating.
  • There’s this lovely lady I follow on various social medias whom I have noticed never ever likes my selfies. She likes everything else I post. She leaves charming, insightful comments at times, but never likes a selfie. It’s weird. She likes other people’s selfies, but never mine. And now that I’ve noticed, I can’t stop noticing. So now I’m this weirdo obsessing over why this person won’t like my selfies. This has been going on for some time. lol.
  • The internet, man. I’m pretty sure it’s causing me to be dumber, and certainly crazier.
  • While I was shredding last night (this is what I call doing the 30 Day Shred fyi), I noticed how much stronger I have gotten. This was a major non-scale victory.
  • I think I may want to get my implants swapped out for different ones. And for any new readers: this has to do with breast reconstruction related to breast cancer – not just me saying I want a boob job. Not that there is anything wrong with getting a boob job, and I would have gotten one but for the cancer situation. This is certainly not the boob job I wanted. Sigh.
  • But yes – I have silicone gel “gummy bear” (teardrop) and I want just regular silicone (round). I followed my doctor’s recommendation the first time, and I regret the decision.  As I proclaimed to D, C, and J on Saturday night: I want stripper tits – or as close as I can get under the circumstances.
  • Speaking of boobs, I got to grope some very nice ones on Saturday night. I love boobs. I miss nipples.
  • I have a bestie date night with Carrie tonight, and I am excited. We are having dinner, and then going to Ulta, which is our favorite place. haha
  • I’m going to see office space on Friday afternoon that is very close to my home (which is about 45 minutes from my STL office). The idea is I could see clients there once (maybe twice) a week and build up business in that area. Clients out there tend to hire lawyers out there – so this could be good for business. If the commitment is cheap enough, I think I’m going to do it.
  • I’ve had a song stuck in my head for days and I cannot remember who sings it. I can’t find it on the internet. It’s driving me crazy. Did I make it up???
  • The part I remember goes, “Lazy days, no one can rain on our parade…” It’s by a female artist.
  • I suppose I should to some actual work now. SIGH.
  • Ugh – just noticed a really shitty client is coming in to meet with me this afternoon. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

truthy tuesday things

  • This one guy, a client’s “man friend,” whom I got into it with previously, is too scared to come into the office now. He just drops her off and walks her to the door. I’m happy about this. That guy sucks. He knows what I think of him. Scamming motherfucker.
  • Not related to the above, I yelled to K today, “PLEASE TELL HIM TO JUST STAY HOME AND NOT TO COME IN HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT IF HE DOES.”
  • It is, however, related to the fact that my business partner called in sick today, but is now trying to come in. Not trying to be mean, but I don’t need you here. I’ve got this, bro.
  • I don’t understand how one makes a legal determination regarding disposable income and the ability to file a certain chapter of bankruptcy without actually completeting those forms. It isn’t like this was obvious. In the end, I had it figured out in less than 15 minutes. I don’t understand. It’s making me ragey, tbh. This means nothing to anyone but me, I know, but that’s okay.
  • I’m going to need a drink tonight.
  • Didn’t run last night because I needed a break. Oh and also because I’m reading a book about a (fictional) serial killer, and it’s creeping me out. I’m already kind of scared to run by myself at night even though I don’t leave the subdivision – especially down at the far end where they are still building.
  • We are making beef and broccoli tonight and watching TNG. That sounds just right.
  • My biggest pet peeve, which I have mentioned a thousand times already, is people being late. It’s so fucking rude. Happening currently. This prospective client is 18 minutes late. I already hate her. Not a good way to start things off.
  • I AM (sometimes double) BOOKED EVERY HALF HOUR FOR THE ENTIRE WORK DAY – I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE LATE.
  • It did give me the time to write this post though. Lol.
  • She’s here now, so…

stuff & things

I want an air fryer. I would use it to make fried curry cauliflower like they sell at Petrichor (local brewery). And other stuff too, obvi.

Speaking of Petrichor, I want a shirt that says craft beer makes me hoppy. They’re currently selling those. Maybe we can go tonight, babe?

I want to train for a 10k. I’m worried my knees can’t take it, but I want to try. We are signing up for the Go STL Halloween race, assuming it doesn’t interfere with some travel plans we’re making.

I found out an awesome kitty died recently, and I’m bummed about it. RIP, Bozo. I’ll miss you.

I also found out that another awesome kitty, my bestie’s baby, is sick again. No!! Leave my Morgan kitty alone.

And one of Freya’s kitties recently passed, though she was old af, it’s still sad. Makes me hug my Violet extra hard.

I’ve picked up a few new blogs to read.

I’m in a bit of a reading slump. Not sure why. Maybe this new book will snap me out of it: The Whisper Man. I need to read Thirteen, like Elizabeth has told me several times. Haha. It has great reviews and I have an ARC.

I’m working from home today, but it’s already 10:20 and I haven’t done dick so far, except drop Jackson at camp, and eat breakfast.

I woke up not feeling well. My throat and head hurt. My eyes burn. Sneezing. Yep…motherfucking allergies.

I may just chill out all day: read, sleep, watch shit. I can catch up tomorrow and over the weekend.

It’s now technically our non-custody weekend. We have some party plans. I’m assuming we will do some house project stuff, too. And I’m hoping for a bit of a fuck fest, tbh.

I have to go to the dmv today and get our new car titled. Boo. I’m applying for a personalized plate as well! I’ve always wanted one of those.

sunday morning musings from the bed

It’s almost 10 am and I’m still in bed. I should get up soon and do something productive, but just a few more minutes please.

Bismarck has slept in our bedroom for the last three nights – either under the bed or under the chair. He has been quiet and well behaved. He only comes over to see me once he sees that I’m awake. I think this means we’re going to move his kennel into the basement, since we will only need to use it occasionally. This is excellent news, because it is currently occupying precious space in my study. Also, this is how we always imagined things going – him sleeping near us – so we are pleased.

I promised Freya we could go shopping today for school clothes. She wants to go to Target as well as the mall. She also wants us to watch a movie: Paranormal Activity 2, since we watched the first one yesterday. (Yay my little horror buddy is back!!) . But we also have another project to do today, so I’m not sure how everything is going to play out. It’s going to be a busy day. Plus, I haven’t touched any of the legal work yet. SIGH.

And how is it already Sunday? I need one more day please.

Waking up this morning to news of yet another mass shooting was very disheartening. What the fuck is wrong with our country that we can’t fix this? Why are gun owner’s rights more important than human lives? When will it end?

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

It’s August now. Frey starts school on Thursday. Jackson starts the week after. It’s still summer, of course, but I’m feeling those fall vibes sneaking in, and I can’t wait. October me, please.

Thursday is 8/8, which would have been my fifteenth wedding anniversary in the other timeline. Lol. It’s weird to think about. Apparently, D’s old wedding anniversary was yesterday. We have the luxury of forgetting, because of where we are now: happily married. But the reminders sneak in. It makes us feel a bit sad to worry that the others aren’t doing as well as we are post-divorce, but it’s been seven years, so what can you really do? Life goes on. I can’t dwell on that shit, because it’s not my shit to carry anymore. I’m not trying to be heartless, just pragmatic. It helps to lay those worries here. I do love that about blogging.

Even so..I can’t get it together to complete any of my photo or blog challenges. I’m just not interested. Maybe I’ve moved on from all that? I am starting to view the blog differently. It doesn’t really matter. It’s my space to do with what I will. Maybe I’ll do the prompts that speak to me and just ignore the rest? Yes, let’s try that.

I’m also finding less time to read with all the stuff I’m doing nowadays. I’m bummed, but not as much as you might think. I love reading, but I love living my life to the fullest too, and that means pulling my nose out of the books from time to time.

As much as it kind of sucks to actually do it, the exercise has been fantastic for my mental health. Also, this new app I’m using (Lose It) has made calorie tracking a breeze. I don’t really feel deprived at all, unlike with Weight Watchers. If I want something then I eat it, log it, and check to see what I can do to even things out with exercise or cutting back somewhere else. So far, so good.

Okay…it’s 10:16 and I really must get this day going. Happy Sunday to anyone who may be reading this. May the odds be ever in your favor. 💜

The Good Place 🏡💛

aka

WE’RE HOME.

And it feels so good.

I immediately showered off the road trip funk, and now I’m soaking in a bath. The best of both worlds!

My boy is here until Saturday afternoon, and I’m so pleased. (We have a date to ride bikes tomorrow. I’m going to borrow Freya’s, but plan to get my own asap. It’s high on my shopping priorities list).

Kitty hasn’t stopped meowing at me since I got in. This will go on for a couple of days. She’s happy and pissy at me all at once. Lol.

I get Bizzy back tomorrow. 💜💜

We don’t get Freya back from camp until Aug 2, but I’ve been stalking the GSEM Facebook page for any pics I can find of her. Nothing great so far, unfortunately. 😢😢 But I know she’s having a blast.

I very fondly remember my own week away at camp when I was 13. In fact, I turned 13 while at camp. I also had my first kiss that week. And met a girl who would become one of my best friends for a long time. Life changing shit…so even though I miss her, I’m very happy for her to be having this experience.

I’m off for the rest of the week (yay!), and I have a very important to-do list to work on. I have lots of medical appointments to schedule, for example. But I also need to make a mani/pedi a priority. It’s all about balance. Haha

So tomorrow…gonna bite the bullet and weigh in. It’s going to be atrocious. But I’m going to record it and move on. There are no more big events to derail me, and no more excuses. I’m not comfortable with myself right now, and that has to change. I’m lucky to have a good support system. My husband, my bestie, and a close friend are all in this with me.

This all means that I’m going to be doing some meal planning as well. And some grocery shopping.

Oh my skin! Ugggghhhhh the sun destroyed it. All my dark spots are popping. I’m going back to basics: vitamin C serum, prescription retinol, and prescription hydroquinone. I’m going to hit up Sephora tomorrow for the former (Sunday Riley CEO), and my derm’s office for the latter. It’s time to stop playing! I may go ahead and make an appointment to discuss this sudden adult acne I’m experiencing, because DISLIKE.

I’m certain I had more to babble about, but I’m ridiculously exhausted from everything, so maybe I’ll remember later.

I’m outtie. ✌🏻️

here goes nothing

I’m sick, and I’m tired, and I’m trying anyway. That’s all I can do.

I guess I’m feeling posty and candid today.

It’s funny though, because sometime around 3 am this morning, I gave serious consideration to deleting this blog.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

I spoke with a gf this morning, aka my new fitness buddy, and we decided to try the Noom 14 day free trial as an alternative to WW. I’m still doing WW, but testing out Noom concurrently. So far…I don’t see it working better than WW for me. It’s so millennial-esque in how it wants to dig into the issues that I struggle with in my weight loss journey. The Gen-X bitch inside of me wants to be like, “Shut the fuck up with the touchy feely shit. I need to track this food and move the fuck on. Mind your business!”

So yeah…

Unrelated: it’s weird to go back and read old blog entries (mine as well as other’s – particularly D’s ex’s blog, which I still check from time to time) knowing how it all turns out. Hindsight and all that jazz.

I’m feeling introspective. Maybe it’s my rapidly approaching 40th birthday that has me digging deep this week. Who knows.

All I know for sure is that I’m either going to keep it real here or I’m going to delete. There can be no in between. At least not right now.

On a lighter note, I thought I had an outfit in mind for Saturday’s party, but now I feel like I need something bigger. So I guess I need to go shopping tomorrow night.

It’s my party and I’ll attention whore if I want to!

disorder

Today is my Friday.

I woke up with D’s summer cold. I could tell it was going to be a thing as I was falling asleep last night.

I want to read Dark Matter again. Last night’s TNG has me in the mood for more good science fiction. I’m going to try to convince my husband to read it with me.

I have a lot of stuff to do before I leave today, and I have to leave early, so bye.

everything and nothing

  • It’s definitely a Monday. The clients are on. My staff is sort of pissy as a result of the clients being dicks. The phone won’t stop ringing. *sigh*
  • Whatever. I’m leaving in 30 minutes, and then I don’t come back until Wednesday, which is my last day until next Tuesday. Vacation ftw!
  • I went upstairs this morning to let Bizzy out of his kennel and to wake up Jackson for camp – and it was a bit of a mind fuck. I had forgotten that we’d changed up the sleeping arrangements. Everyone is in a new room! Everyone is also super duper happy, including the dog who seems to like being near my stuff. He really is my little furry shadow. Love him so much.
  • D said he’d buy me some study furniture as a birthday gift, so I need to pick some stuff out. We did a bit of looking around online yesterday while we were at the brewery. I found some cute stuff on Wayfair. Just have to figure out a budget and make some choices.
  • Today is supposed to be weigh in day, but I’ve decided to permanently change it to Thursday. Mondays are not good weigh in days, since I am usually retaining water from workouts and alcohol. I also consume more calories over the weekend. I’ve noticed that I’ll be high on Monday morning, and by Wednesday/Thursday I am back to normal. It also works out that my weekly points would reset on Thursday, which is essentially when our weekend begins.
  • I was complaining a bit to D this morning, before he left for work, that while I know it’s silly, I’m super focused on the number on the scale right now. He was like, “I don’t care what the scale says, you look awesome.” I needed to hear that.
  • I’m still having trouble walking properly due to all the squats on Saturday morning. The most difficult stuff is walking down the stairs and sitting down. OUCH!
  • Tomorrow I need to get some shit done for D’s family birthday/father’s day celebration, which is supposed to be Wednesday night (since we’ll be out of town all weekend, and then he’s going out of town after that, like he’s not even driving back to STL with me, but is instead flying to Pittsburgh). Time is flying and everything is sneaking up on me. I am so unprepared for everything going on this month.
  • For example: we only just finally booked our Nashville hotel today – as well as boarding for Bizzy. Procrastination party of 2! Lol. Our hotel looks amazing though. It is right off Broadway, and has an incredible rooftop pool and bar. I am so ready to be on this trip!!
  • Other vacation related to-do list stuff: book the Indy hotel, book the flights to Key West.
  • THE WEATHER TODAY IS FUCKING AMAZING. It was 75 and breezy last I was outside. My husband is unhappy, but I am in heaven.
  • The plan tonight is to run, but I’m a little concerned my wobbly legs won’t be able to handle it, so it may end up being a walk instead. The crazy part is that I’m in this much pain after Nancy promised not to kill me! This is her going easy on me. I’m so fucked. Lol.