probably tl;dr

I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).

This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.

The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.

BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)

We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!

I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.

I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.

My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.

Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.

But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.

I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)

OH AND I RAN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. Difficult, but good.

I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.

There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:

As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”

This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.

xoxo

hello again β™₯️

– As my husband said earlier: it feels good to be home, and it feels good that it feels good to be home. This was def a much needed break. I’m glad we got away for a bit.

– My lower back is killing me, and I’m not sure why. My mind immediately goes to mets, because duh. It feels different from bone pain though, so idk.

– I had a little mini breakdown this weekend about my weight. D made me feel better, and I have a plan. Hopefully I’ll see some improvements in the next few weeks.

– I’m off tomorrow. I have to see an endodontist. It’s also Jackson’s birthday, and I have some stuff to pick up for his birthday dinner/family party. I’m excited to see both of the kids.

– I’m also excited to pick up my Bizzy boo boo bear tomorrow.

– I’m behind in my walking challenge, and I need to play catch up. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to pull this off, but I’m def not giving up. I did 2.3 miles tonight, but I’m going to have to step up my game.

– I have a lot of firm merger shit to do this week.

– I still haven’t heard back from my former business partner. He’s such a dick. He’s a GDB. (Inside joke)

– I have a date with M on Thursday night, and D has a date with J. I’m referring to it as poly date night. I’m excited about it.

– My cats are pleased to have me back. I’m getting all the cuddles.

– Next Sunday we’re doing family Thanksgiving with our kiddos, and will be putting up our Christmas trees/decor. I’m excited about this, though I can’t believe it’s already time. Didn’t we just take all that stuff down??

– It feels good to be bloggy again.

status update

It’s another rainy, dreary day, and YAY.

Pretty sure my plans for tonight are canceled, so I’m keeping it casual today. You know my introverted self ain’t mad about it!

At least I showered today. Lol.

Also – no filter on that pic. My skin is looking fierce thanks to my new Burt’s Bees skin routine. I’m super into natural skin care right now. Oh and oil based skin products. I’m currently using two face oils as well as a cleansing oil. It’s worked wonders on my dry af skin. I’m about to order the Mad Hippie Vit A serum and add that into my nightly routine. Obsess much? Yes.

The interior designer came by this morning to discuss the drapes for the wall of windows in the great room. I’m so excited about what I’ve picked.

For reference:

We’re going a similar layout to this:

But with this fabric and color, which I adore:

And with this pleating:

Should be installed in five to seven weeks. So now we have to decide what we’re going to do about our 12 foot Christmas tree. Do we wait to put it up? Do we push off installation? I’d love to have both up at the same time. Hmm…idk. First world problem, for sure.

Ooh gossip time! So I’m in a few local lifestyle (swinger) groups on Facebook. Apparently, this other bk attorney I know (and used to share office space with) found out we’re both in this group, and has totally freaked out. He even blocked me! The dumbass didn’t block JNel or my husband though, so I can still see all of his shit, and woo is he an annoying motherfucker. He took pics that other men in the group posted and photoshopped his face onto them. Like wtf??? I never knew this guy was such a weirdo, but I am fascinated, and kind of can’t wait until we inevitably run into each other again. Is he going to hide from me?? πŸ˜‚

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, and so now I’ve got Anniversary from Tony! Toni! TonΓ©! stuck in my head. “Do you know what today is?” β™₯️ I’ll for sure be singing it all day tomorrow too.

That’s all she wrote. xoxo

Saturday Stuff

I cried myself to sleep last night. 2020 is just too much.

I just dropped Bizzy off for playtime and boarding. We’re celebrating J’s birthday tonight, so we will be out super late, and I don’t want him to be neglected. While at the doggie daycare, I felt envious. I’d love to work with pups all day. What a fun and stress free job.

In reality, I could never do that long term. I know myself. Still – it’s fun to day dream.

The weather outside is delightful, and I’m contemplating an outdoor run, though my knees are still swollen so it’s probably not a good idea. Maybe just a walk. That sounds good actually. I’m beginning to think my running days are behind me. Sigh. Maybe I should start hiking? Biking? Maybe I’ll ride Freya’s bike. She never uses it.

I’ve been way in my head recently. I haven’t been talking to friends much. I feel bad about that, but sometimes you have to work on yourself first. I’ve needed a lot of quiet time. I’ve been reading a lot, playing games, and watching things. I’ve even cut back on my drinking. I was exercising a lot more too, until my arthritis flared. I’ll get back to it when it’s over. This is going to be the season of self-care. If not now, when? And since it’s finally getting cooler, I’m going to enjoy a nice bubble bath at some point this week.

Right now I’m cuddled up with my sweet Sansa, and plan to relax with a book. (Duh!) We will be out late tonight, so I have to rest up while I can.

optimistic

I’m not having my normal Sunday night anxiety tonight. In fact, I’m feeling pretty good about the upcoming week.

Part of it is that I’m physically feeling well. That will likely change tomorrow afternoon, as I’m due to start a new cycle of Ibrance, and I have my monthly Faslodex injection. Ugh. I normally feel pretty crappy after those, unfortunately.

I think another contributor to my good mood is the cooler weather. It only got into the upper 70s today, and was only 62 degrees when we went on our evening dog walk. Bizzy is also a fan of the cooler temps! We were both in noticeably better moods on this walk than we have been for the last several months. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

I tried on a couple of my thrifted dresses tonight (both Leota) and I am pleased with how I look in them – especially given the prices. There is one that fits like a glove, and I feel both sexy and professional while wearing it. It also has a subtle polka dot print (black on black) and you can’t really go wrong with polka dots. (Actually, both dresses are polka dot printed – I really do have a polka dot problem). I’ll probably wear both this week – and pics or it didn’t happen, obvi. I have been lax with documenting my outfits as of late. (Not that anyone cares, but I care, so yeah.)

I’m meeting my new oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and I’m slightly nervous about it. I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that she is female, well respected, and an expert in my particular type of cancer. Given all of that, I suppose I should make do regardless of how I feel about her personally.

I was thinking today about how weird it is to be 41. I definitely physically feel all of those 41 years, but, mentally, I feel much younger. In fact, I don’t understand how I’m even considered an adult. Like how am I allowed to have kids, and a law firm, and be in charge of shit. It’s just such a mind fuck. I was talking to D about it over beers this afternoon, and he was like, “Well that’s why they say inside of every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.” And yes, I absolutely feel that.

It’s getting late, so I’m off to start my bedtime routine. It takes like 30 minutes. lol. Being old ain’t easy.

xoxo

It’s only 10 am??

I’ve been up since 5:45 because D had a minor medical procedure this morning. It feels like it should be lunchtime.

I finished court and a few other things, and now I’m going to chill for a bit. Maybe nap. I’m running on about three hours of sleep.

I’m looking forward to the Philly cheesesteak I’m going to be ordering in a bit. Penn Station ftmfw.

Oh I’m reading the new Samantha Downing and I’m obsessed.

I might watch a movie later. I should be productive, but it’s not looking good.

Oh there’s a DMB show airing tonight from (I think) 2013, and the setlist is fucking πŸ”₯πŸ”₯.

Aren’t you glad you take time from your life to read my inane babbling? Lol.

other news

I am working today (boo), but I am off tomorrow. I look forward to a long weekend.

Tonight, D & I are having a night in the city. We have reservations at one of our favorite patio places, and staying overnight at the Chase. Birthday 2.0.

I have a feeling we won’t be able to go out much longer. Shit is getting real here in MO. In fact, the county we live in has the highest increase in cases, which is not surprising to me at all.

Back to my birthday: Birthday 3.0 will happen on Saturday night, when C&J come over. I’m excited about that, too.

I am spoiled.

At my oncology appointment on Tuesday, my doc told me that he is moving from my preferred hospital, and will be retiring next year. He’s going to introduce me to a new oncologist at my next appointment. D looked her up, and she is relatively new, which I’m actually kind of pumped about. I think I will have an easier time communicating with her. I would sum up my current doctor by saying he needs to talk less and say more. He always buries the lead with a bunch of blah, blah, blah, and completely confuses everything. It doesn’t inspire confidence.

He also told me that my case is going in front of the tumor board next week, which will review my current treatment plan. Neither of us anticipate them making any changes, given my current NED status. He also had blood drawn to send off for genetic testing to determine whether I have any mutations which would result in certain treatments being more or less effective. I’m happy about both of these things, as I’ve been wanting them from the beginning.

Bizzy went to doggie daycare for the first time since quarantine started. He was sooooo happy. He actually screamed. I don’t know how else to describe it. He gets to play all day, and he is staying over tonight, so that D and I can do our city date.

The plan for my day off tomorrow? Lounge about and watch scary movies – unless my husband has other plans for us. Maybe do some reading. I’m still reading A People’s History and recently started Mexican Gothic. I’m thinking about purchasing the entire Babysitter’s Club series as well, but it is pricey.

I’ve actually felt better since I’ve been off Keto. This happened last time, too. I don’t think my digestive system can handle it. It sucks, because it is such an effective method of weight loss. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll try to eat lower carb, but not so low carb that I actually go into ketosis? Idk – I want to be fitter, but I don’t want to obsess over my weight. I look good, right? Right.

I’m not going to spend whatever time I have left hating myself, and I don’t want to waste time feeling bad for reasons I can control. I feel plenty bad enough without creating more problems for myself.

Also – that ass… I’m not getting any complaints. lol.

I really do need to get that treadmill moved to my house though. I should work on that tomorrow.

Okay – I am being boring now, and I need to pay attention to this hearing, so bye. Happy Friday eve!

Late night babble

It’s storming currently and it’s awesome. I love thunderstorms at night.

The downside: my cats are freaking out.

Speaking of freaking out, we haven’t been able to walk Bismarck recently, because he’s so scared of fireworks.

We have Jackson for the 4th this year, because my ex is going out of town. Unfortunately, we don’t have Freya, since technically it’s not our year to have either of them for independence day. But it is our weekend, so we’re going to celebrate on Friday instead, which is perfect since D and I are off that day.

I got the proofs back from my photo shoot and I hate how I look in all the pics.

What else is new, right?

Anyway – these are my top three:

I got a tool to help me make victory rolls, and it’s a steep learning curve. Lol.

I need some practice!

Here are some cute pet pics just because:

I didn’t talk much about my weekend.

Friday, after the photo shoot, I met the other Jen for lunch and cocktails. We went to a cutesy little creole place in the CWE.

Then D and I did our normal Friday night dinner date, which was awesome.

On Saturday, I ventured out for a mani/pedi and was super impressed with their cleanliness, social distancing requirements, and the service. I’ll def be going back.

On Saturday night, we hung with Nick, Nancy, and Carmen for a few hours. We all sat more than six feet apart. It was good to catch up.

Sunday we lazed around all day. It was glorious.

I’m already counting down the days until next weekend.

Monday was pretty meh overall. Here’s hoping Tuesday will be awesome.

It’s 12:14 am. I should try to sleep.

miscellaneous monday musings

I went to the dentist that afternoon for x-rays and a quick exam. No issues were found, and I have been cleared to start Zometa. I’m hoping it will be gentle on me. I am so tired of starting new meds and feeling like shit for weeks as a result. That has basically been my life since mid-February. I am beyond over it. Every time I start to feel normal again, they pull the rug out from under me. Every. Single. Time.

I have been so terrible about responding to messages. Right now I have the following unread and/or unanswered messages that need to be dealt with:
Facebook: 6
Instagram: 3
Texts: 19
Emails: don’t ask. lol.

My current obsession is the NYT crossword app. I’ve been a subscriber for a while, and I have really gotten into it. I do the mini puzzles every day, and find those easy. I do the big daily puzzles as well, though not as successfully. Haha. Mondays are the easiest and they get harder through Sunday, which is a fucking bitch. I’m pretty good up until around Thursday, when it gets hard. It’s my goal to complete a Sunday puzzle without help. I’m actually learning a lot by doing the puzzles, which is cool.

My current “to be watched asap list” includes: Reign, Dead to Me (season 2), The Lodge, and more Twilight Zone. I’m really digging The Twilight Zone. Even the bad episodes are good. Some of it makes me laugh so hard I almost pee myself.

Things I’ve looking forward to in the not too distant future:
– I have a much needed mani/pedi appt on Saturday afternoon at a new(ish) super posh nail salon near my house. It’s appointment only and you have to give them a credit card to make a reservation. They don’t do acrylics or dip. It’s super clean and has amazing reviews. I’m excited to check it out.
– Saturday night we will be hanging out with Nick, Nancy, and maybe Carmen. Another night away from the house? Yes, please! And I love that we can feel safe because everyone in our chosen bubble has been super serious about quarantine/mask wearing/social distancing.
– I just found out today that Netflix made a series that’s a modern update of The Babysitter’s Club. I am beyond excited, like omfg I loved that series so much!!! It’s coming out July 3rd, which is the same day Hamilton airs on Disney+ – so that is going to be a big day here at RiekAlt Manor. My ass will be on the couch allllllllllll dayyyyyy. Woot!

Tomorrow is the teen’s 14th birthday, but we are having her party tonight (since she is with K tomorrow). She’s having her bestie stay over and there will be pizza, cake, and many snacks. I’ve already bought two bags of Sour Patch Kids. lol. Right now, she and D are at the local skate shop, where our pal Nick works – picking out a skateboard. She is so, so, so excited. I can’t wait to see what she picks out. When I met her cute, girly, princess loving self at the age of 6, I never imagined her becoming a skater punk, but I fucking love it.
Girl power. <3

I guess I could work for the next hour, but I think I’m going to go try to finish Catherine House instead. I’m liking it more now that I’m further into it. It is weird af, which I like. Not at all derivative.

Later, babes.
xoxo

good vibes only

Being silly (and maybe a little drunk):

We did a seafood bake for dinner. A Martha Stewart recipe. It was very tasty.

Random pretty flower from my most recent bouquet:

I raided D’s library:

Played around with my hair:

Tried on my new shirt:

πŸ™ŒπŸ»

We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. I love that movie. D mentioned earlier in the night that he never really saw it, because he was fucking around with his (ex)gf the first time around so he wasn’t paying attention. (That trashy Trumper whore Beth πŸ™„) This time we did the fucking around first, but then he fell asleep during the movie. πŸ˜‚

To be fair, we’ve had a lot to drink, and we started around 3:30, when D asked me to quit working and have a drink because he had news, and it was really good news!! I can’t talk about it yet, but squeeeeeeeeeee.

It’s 1:30 am now. We’re in bed. Everyone is asleep but me. I kind of like this time of night now that my anxiety is under control.

break time!

I have a fairly light day today. I had a hearing this morning, and a consultation in about 40 minutes. Otherwise, it’s an admin sorta day: preparing petitions, amending plans, answering emails – shit like that.

After the afternoon consultation, I plan to head out to pick up the kids. I’m excited to have a weekend with them, and I have something fun planned. We have this gorgeous pond a block away from the house (within the subdivision). It is filled with frogs, toads, fish, ducks, and geese. There is a nice flat spot near the shore, where I plan to set up a picnic tomorrow afternoon. I’m really looking forward to sitting there with them and watching the wildlife. D and I walk around it every evening now (with Bizzy) and I squeal with delight at all the frogs jumping and splashing around. Every single time. It never gets old.

We have plans tomorrow night to go visit with C&J. I’m excited to see them and catch up. I feel like we have so much stuff to tell them.

I washed and styled the hair this morning, and I’m still digging it. I straightened it just to make sure everything was even, and that I still like the cut. I do. I think I prefer the wavy, but I like it this way too. This is a classic Jenn cut. I’ve had this same cut many times in my life. It just feels so new after having my hair long. I think I should just recognize that I’m a short hair kinda gal, though that won’t stop me from trying to grow it out again, I’m sure.

It was kind of funny yesterday. The bestie, who also had long hair, was committed to cutting her’s off if I was going to cut mine off. Her appointment was before mine, so she arrived at the salon first. I got a text from her saying, “Hey she just cut off all my hair so you better still be doing this!” I had to giggle, because right before I left the house, I looked at D and said, “I don’t know if I can do this!” But once M chopped A’s hair, I was locked in.

It was cute because she was talking about how I didn’t let her shave her head last time (when I lost all of my hair due to chemo back in 2013), and she was like, “Next time it’s happening no matter what you say.” I love her solidarity. We both know that someday I will have to do IV chemo again, and that I will most likely be bald as a result. Hopefully that day is way far in the future.

In other exciting news, D’s birthday present arrived today, and it is fabulous. He is so pleased, and seeing him so happy makes me happy.

Isn’t it cool???

Today is my Friday!

And now that my workday is over, I’m in weekend mode.

But let’s rewind –

I feel like I’ve been neglecting the blog a bit recently. That’s due to a combination of utter boredom and feeling shitty. I woke up feeling fairly good today, so I decided to take advantage. Hence the fancy attire earlier:

This morning when I woke up, I decided to take a “before” pic. Before what – I’m not entirely sure. I mostly just want to see if my body changes at all during the couch to 10k training.

Trying to reduce that mom tum a bit.

I ran today after my last appointment of the day, and it felt good. I’m hovering right around 5k, but slow and steady is definitely what I need right now. The app only wants me running three days per week, so I walk the other days (when my body allows it).

I read somewhere that 30 min of cardio, 5 days per week, can be as effective as chemo, and while I doubt that is true, I’ve taken it to heart.

I need new running shoes. See those holes? πŸ˜†

I participated in a town hall zoom meeting for STL Co courts this afternoon regarding the crim and traffic divisions, and what the new procedures are going to be moving forward. I kind of can’t believe this is reality. Life feels so strange. I will say that the silver lining of the virus for the legal profession will be that it is forcing the courts to finally embrace technology. We will be doing Zoom court appearances, and eliminating so much bureaucracy in the process.

I’m off tomorrow because I have treatment in the morning, and I know I’ll feel shitty afterward. My plan is to come home and lounge on the couch while I watch Netflix all day. I’m looking forward to it. I deserve a couch day.

In other news: my hair stylist reached out to me to say she would open the salon for me on a day where nobody else will be there so that I can get my hair cut. I love her so much, and am so grateful. I need to cut this hair so it will be easier to manage (and look better) while I adjust to these meds. I sure do hope the shedding will slow down soon. I’m really depressed about it.

I was feeling like I shouldn’t risk it, but D says we can’t completely neglect our mental health, and I agree. Plus, we will be wearing masks and sanitizing everything. I will ask the oncologist what he thinks when I see him tomorrow. It my white counts are decent, then I suspect he will says it’s okay.

Waiting on D to get back from his run so we can do our Thursday night thing.

Happy Friday Eve!