wordy wednesday

I’m trying to get back into the habit of posting my day-to-day bullshit here.

The day so far:
– huge docket at 9 am. I was stressing hardcore over this one. It is the biggest, messiest docket I’ve had since before I started my own firm. DG has a lot more cases than I do, so when I’m covering both of us, stuff gets a bit crazy. Plus, the judge is a scary man. I’ve been practicing in front of him for 14 years, and I still get anxious and nauseated before the docket. But during? Adrenaline rush. Everything moves so quickly, you barely have time to think. I love it (don’t believe the lies I tell about not loving it).
– Miscellaneous paperwork while eating my 1st meal.
– I spent two hours prepping for my 2 pm docket, which had a super weird, no good case on it,. I knew I had no chance of winning, but I was ready to bring my A game regardless. I swallowed my nerves (same judge as this morning btw), joined the conference call, and the judge couldn’t hear any of us due to technical error (he had us all on “listen only” status). So the case got continued, which is actually really good for my client, so I’ll take it as a win.
– And now? It is almost 3 pm. I am about to logout for the day. I need to shower and beautify myself, because tonight is date night with my man. He wants to do something fancy tonight, so I get a chance to dress up. I’m currently wearing raccoon printed leggings and a sweatshirt that says “I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.” Yep.

The rest of the week looks pretty good. There is no more court (*praise hands*) this week. We are kid-free until Monday afternoon. Tomorrow night is poly double date night! I am super pumped about this development. The rest of the weekend is kind of up in the air since I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday afternoon, and we aren’t sure what to expect. Still – that’s an excellent problem to have. Every other weekend this month is pretty much booked, so it’s good to have nothing planned.

My mood has been better this week. I think it’s because of all of the sunlight. It feels weird saying that since I’ve always considered myself a vampire, but I guess I am not immune from S.A.D. after all. I’m trying to enjoy this limited time where it’s not brutally cold or brutally hot. This time is so short lived here in MO.

I’m on the struggle bus with my diet this week, and I’m not sure I’m going to make my 1%. I need to get down to 139.5 by Friday morning, and I weighed in this morning at 140.9. I keep losing and gaining the same pound. It’s totally my fault. I have been cheating. Too many tequila shots, and not finishing all my water. I’ve gotta get my head back in the game. Can’t stop/won’t stop. (If for no other reason than my husband cannot keep his hands off of me, and is constantly telling me how hot I look. All the yes).

Another motivation: I told myself I cannot have any of the keto cheesecake I bought until I see the 130s on my scale. I really, really want to get high and eat some of this fucking cheesecake, so I need to get my shit in order. Jen told me it is amazing.

Okay, okay. This is boring as fuck. I know, I know.


In the middle of the night

It’s 3:24 am. Insomnia strikes again.

It’s Monday, I guess. Boo to that. It’s treatment day, too. Meh. I have anxiety over seeing my tumor markers.

I had a really good, though very busy, weekend. All the socializing really wore me out. It was totally worth it though. I especially enjoyed my lunch with A. She is such a fucking delight.

Yesterday was Metamour Day, and I made sure mine were feeling the love. I’m so happy to have them in my life.

I don’t know what to think about certain relationships. I just continue to ride the rollercoaster. I’m trying to not have expectations. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Been there, done that.

It’s March! How did that happen? This will be a good month. We have a lot of fun stuff planned already. Also – I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday. I’m excited to get that behind me.

Every day feels the same, but I really can’t complain. I’m happy. I’m loved. I’m lucky.

Pics from yesterday:



I drank too much last night, and I am really paying for it today. I feel awful. I have to remember that I cannot drink like I’m in my 30s anymore. Especially given the lack of carbs, the weight loss, and the alcohol content of what I drink nowadays (mostly tequila and wine – beer was so easy to drink and I miss it). Ugh, ugh, ugh.

But…my date with MP was wonderful. He’s so interesting and thoughtful. I had a very good time. It was definitely worth the wait.

When I got home, A was here, so I said hi to her and Dave, then ran to the bathroom to throw up. Keeping it really classy over here, peeps.

And then play that on repeat, unfortunately.

The silver lining? My weigh in was pretty amazing this morning! Ha. I made my 1% loss for the week. I came in at exactly 142. I’m going to squeal when I finally see 139 on my scale. Hopefully next week! I’ve lost a total of 12 pounds. 17 to go!

We were supposed to have Jackson with us this weekend, but his dad had to cancel his trip (he was going to Texas), so we are unexpectedly kid free. The plan tonight is the usual: steak night with my gingy babe. We have some catching up to do. We both have dates to discuss.
Tomorrow night we have reservations at our fave seafood spot, and then on Sunday we are making a weed run to Illinois. It’s about time I put my medical mj card to use.

Next week starts the new custody schedule – so we will have both kids on Mondays and Tuesdays now (and every other weekend). For a while it has been both kids on Monday, Frey on Tuesday, and Jackson on Wednesday. This will be a nice change. It’s more convenient for me, since I often have court on Wednesdays at 4 pm, which is when I’m supposed to get Jackson from school. Plus, I like the idea of having them for one long stretch at a time. When they are here, they are here.

I do miss him already though. My sweet boy.

It’s around 2 pm on Friday afternoon. I’m going to go ahead and call it a day. I feel like crawling into my (upstairs) bed and reading. MP gave me some books last night that I am very excited to dig into. First up: Lost Caves of St. Louis. I cannot wait until spring so we can get out and start exploring some stuff. My bed is extra cozy right now because M&J hooked me up with an amazing pink velvet comforter that I am obsessed with.

Okay – enough pointless rambling.


first the blogging, then the napping

Hey, hey, Friday! It’s a little before noon and I am already done working for the day. Tis glorious.

My week in review:
– lots of court
– a fun snowy afternoon with my son (and the husky)
– ordered a strap-on
– played Truth or Drink with MP (via Zoom)
– found out that I may not be able to get the vaccine (more on this later)
– had a first date with a lady I met in the poly group. It went really well.
– and now her fiance and boyfriend are messaging me. What is my life?
– lots of hot sexy time with D. He is def showing his appreciation for my hard work.
– hit my 1% loss goal for my CR custom program. I’m now at 9 pounds lost!

Weekend stuff I’m looking forward to:
– Friday night cooking date with D tonight. Ribeye!!!
– Sunday afternoon shopping date with D. We are going shopping!
– My kids will be home this weekend, so I’m looking forward to spending time with them.
– reading. duh.

I woke up with a bad headache. I think it’s time to rest up for a bit. I have a few hours still before I need to go pick up my kids.

Happy Friday!!

Words about things

– Well somehow tomorrow is Monday already, which sucks.

– I have treatment tomorrow morning, and that will take up half of my day. I’m not complaining though because I’m just so very grateful that this treatment is still working.

– I joined the 10 pound take down / Code Red challenge for January, which starts tomorrow. I have two friends doing it with me, which will make it easier. I went shopping today and bought keto foods, as well as some meal prep containers, and a huge water bottle. Oh and D is being super supportive. He’s planning out some keto dinners. I’m weirdly excited.

– I think I going to buy one of those DB Method squat machines. They have amazing reviews.

– I did this to myself somehow, and it hurts like a motherfucker.

– We took down all the Christmas decor today, and I’m sort of bummed about it. The house feels so big and empty now.


Okay bye.

probably tl;dr

I write blog posts in my head when I’m trying to fall asleep. There is something about that in-between sleep & awake place that gets me thinking about all the things. Sometimes I send myself emails so I don’t forget. I do this with tasks too. I have to get it out of my head in order to relax. Blogging, journaling, and list-making are essentially my therapy. Of course, this blog is also a piece of me that I’m leaving behind for my husband and kids. A legacy of sorts. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: what I’m going to be leaving behind for them. As a result, I have decided to stop holding back here. I’ve been posting less of the random thoughts that pop up. I’ve been doing less videos. Fuck that. I’m putting it all out here. For him (and for them when they are older).

This is going to be one of those long ass stream of consciousness posts, so I apologize in advance.

The landscaping crew is here today! It has finally begun. I am so pleased. I can’t wait to see how it looks. We’re getting a Japanese maple and a hydrangea bush, among other things.

BEWARE: The next paragraph contains spoilers for The Office (just incase you are a weirdo like me and never watched it back in the day)

We have finally made it past the part of The Office where Michael leaves. I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve gotten at recent episodes. I cried kind of a lot during his proposal to Holly. And when Pam runs up to Michael at the airport…omg *sobs*. Once we have finished The Office, I have told D I want to watch Community. I never really gave it much of a chance back in the day, as I found it to be too sitcom-y, but I’m ready now. Bring it on!

I love sharing things with him. Even insignificant shit like tv shows.

I never put up any of the fall decor. I usually do a porch display, dining room decor, and a festive table in the foyer. I skipped all of it this year, mostly because like how is it even Thanksgiving time already anyway? This year has been so weirdly fast and slow all at once. I’m thinking I’ll do some dining room decor this weekend – for our family Thanksgiving. Then we will put up all the Christmas things.

My style is changing. I haven’t looked at Modcloth in ages. I barely look at Unique Vintage anymore. I’m borderline obsessed with White House/Black Market, and I’ve recently discovered a couple of clothing sites that I really like. I haven’t had much disposable income as of late due to issues at the firm. I can’t pay myself – gotta pay the staff. But the end of all that is rapidly approaching, and I think I’m going to treat myself to a wardrobe update. I have a way I want to present myself moving forward – more sophisticated/mature, but also sexier. I bought two dresses earlier this week (from Target) that are way outside of my comfort zone in that they are fitted and SHORT. But I’m ready to shake things up a bit.

Speaking of the end: it is upon me. The last day of my current practice will be 11/30. And that is actually the day I’m planning to have the movers come, so really it seems like the last day is going to be next Wednesday. We were always going to be closed on Thanksgiving and the day after. There really isn’t any point in being open for business on the 30th. I just…can’t believe it. I’m still processing all of that. There will be tears eventually.

But…last night DG told me that I never have to interact with clients again if I don’t want to, and god damn that sounds nice. I doubt I’ll take him up on it, because I want to stay sharp, but it will certainly be nice to have a staff of 6 legal assistants doing most of the interacting with clients.

I’m already down two pounds, and while I know it is only water weight, it feels good to see that number go down. My goal is to be down two more pounds next week. (My weigh-in day is Wednesday)


I have a date tomorrow night with M, and I am excited about it. He’s coming out to me this time, and D is going into the city to hang with J. I never would have thought that I’d be poly, but we’ve sort of just eased into it without even realizing it. I’m really enjoying where things are currently. I love the relationship we have with them. We split up for dates, I have my solo dates with J, and we have group dates. Apparently I’m bisexual and polyamorous. Huh. It’s interesting how you keep learning things about yourself / how you keep growing as a person – throughout your entire life. I’ve known I was bi for years, but have never been very vocal about it. I’ve been attracted to women and have had sex with women for the last ten years or so. But I’d never met a woman I was super into, like legit crushing on, until I met J.

There is more floating around in my head, but I have neglected my responsibilities long enough. I hope you enjoyed this post, and if it was tl;dr, then I leave you with this little tidbit:

As I said to Karen in a text last night: “Since my metastatic diagnosis, I’ve decided to always speak my truth.”

This post is some of my current truths. Thanks for reading.


hello again ♥️

– As my husband said earlier: it feels good to be home, and it feels good that it feels good to be home. This was def a much needed break. I’m glad we got away for a bit.

– My lower back is killing me, and I’m not sure why. My mind immediately goes to mets, because duh. It feels different from bone pain though, so idk.

– I had a little mini breakdown this weekend about my weight. D made me feel better, and I have a plan. Hopefully I’ll see some improvements in the next few weeks.

– I’m off tomorrow. I have to see an endodontist. It’s also Jackson’s birthday, and I have some stuff to pick up for his birthday dinner/family party. I’m excited to see both of the kids.

– I’m also excited to pick up my Bizzy boo boo bear tomorrow.

– I’m behind in my walking challenge, and I need to play catch up. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to pull this off, but I’m def not giving up. I did 2.3 miles tonight, but I’m going to have to step up my game.

– I have a lot of firm merger shit to do this week.

– I still haven’t heard back from my former business partner. He’s such a dick. He’s a GDB. (Inside joke)

– I have a date with M on Thursday night, and D has a date with J. I’m referring to it as poly date night. I’m excited about it.

– My cats are pleased to have me back. I’m getting all the cuddles.

– Next Sunday we’re doing family Thanksgiving with our kiddos, and will be putting up our Christmas trees/decor. I’m excited about this, though I can’t believe it’s already time. Didn’t we just take all that stuff down??

– It feels good to be bloggy again.

status update

It’s another rainy, dreary day, and YAY.

Pretty sure my plans for tonight are canceled, so I’m keeping it casual today. You know my introverted self ain’t mad about it!

At least I showered today. Lol.

Also – no filter on that pic. My skin is looking fierce thanks to my new Burt’s Bees skin routine. I’m super into natural skin care right now. Oh and oil based skin products. I’m currently using two face oils as well as a cleansing oil. It’s worked wonders on my dry af skin. I’m about to order the Mad Hippie Vit A serum and add that into my nightly routine. Obsess much? Yes.

The interior designer came by this morning to discuss the drapes for the wall of windows in the great room. I’m so excited about what I’ve picked.

For reference:

We’re going a similar layout to this:

But with this fabric and color, which I adore:

And with this pleating:

Should be installed in five to seven weeks. So now we have to decide what we’re going to do about our 12 foot Christmas tree. Do we wait to put it up? Do we push off installation? I’d love to have both up at the same time. Hmm…idk. First world problem, for sure.

Ooh gossip time! So I’m in a few local lifestyle (swinger) groups on Facebook. Apparently, this other bk attorney I know (and used to share office space with) found out we’re both in this group, and has totally freaked out. He even blocked me! The dumbass didn’t block JNel or my husband though, so I can still see all of his shit, and woo is he an annoying motherfucker. He took pics that other men in the group posted and photoshopped his face onto them. Like wtf??? I never knew this guy was such a weirdo, but I am fascinated, and kind of can’t wait until we inevitably run into each other again. Is he going to hide from me?? 😂

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, and so now I’ve got Anniversary from Tony! Toni! Toné! stuck in my head. “Do you know what today is?” ♥️ I’ll for sure be singing it all day tomorrow too.

That’s all she wrote. xoxo

Saturday Stuff

I cried myself to sleep last night. 2020 is just too much.

I just dropped Bizzy off for playtime and boarding. We’re celebrating J’s birthday tonight, so we will be out super late, and I don’t want him to be neglected. While at the doggie daycare, I felt envious. I’d love to work with pups all day. What a fun and stress free job.

In reality, I could never do that long term. I know myself. Still – it’s fun to day dream.

The weather outside is delightful, and I’m contemplating an outdoor run, though my knees are still swollen so it’s probably not a good idea. Maybe just a walk. That sounds good actually. I’m beginning to think my running days are behind me. Sigh. Maybe I should start hiking? Biking? Maybe I’ll ride Freya’s bike. She never uses it.

I’ve been way in my head recently. I haven’t been talking to friends much. I feel bad about that, but sometimes you have to work on yourself first. I’ve needed a lot of quiet time. I’ve been reading a lot, playing games, and watching things. I’ve even cut back on my drinking. I was exercising a lot more too, until my arthritis flared. I’ll get back to it when it’s over. This is going to be the season of self-care. If not now, when? And since it’s finally getting cooler, I’m going to enjoy a nice bubble bath at some point this week.

Right now I’m cuddled up with my sweet Sansa, and plan to relax with a book. (Duh!) We will be out late tonight, so I have to rest up while I can.


I’m not having my normal Sunday night anxiety tonight. In fact, I’m feeling pretty good about the upcoming week.

Part of it is that I’m physically feeling well. That will likely change tomorrow afternoon, as I’m due to start a new cycle of Ibrance, and I have my monthly Faslodex injection. Ugh. I normally feel pretty crappy after those, unfortunately.

I think another contributor to my good mood is the cooler weather. It only got into the upper 70s today, and was only 62 degrees when we went on our evening dog walk. Bizzy is also a fan of the cooler temps! We were both in noticeably better moods on this walk than we have been for the last several months. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

I tried on a couple of my thrifted dresses tonight (both Leota) and I am pleased with how I look in them – especially given the prices. There is one that fits like a glove, and I feel both sexy and professional while wearing it. It also has a subtle polka dot print (black on black) and you can’t really go wrong with polka dots. (Actually, both dresses are polka dot printed – I really do have a polka dot problem). I’ll probably wear both this week – and pics or it didn’t happen, obvi. I have been lax with documenting my outfits as of late. (Not that anyone cares, but I care, so yeah.)

I’m meeting my new oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and I’m slightly nervous about it. I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that she is female, well respected, and an expert in my particular type of cancer. Given all of that, I suppose I should make do regardless of how I feel about her personally.

I was thinking today about how weird it is to be 41. I definitely physically feel all of those 41 years, but, mentally, I feel much younger. In fact, I don’t understand how I’m even considered an adult. Like how am I allowed to have kids, and a law firm, and be in charge of shit. It’s just such a mind fuck. I was talking to D about it over beers this afternoon, and he was like, “Well that’s why they say inside of every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.” And yes, I absolutely feel that.

It’s getting late, so I’m off to start my bedtime routine. It takes like 30 minutes. lol. Being old ain’t easy.


It’s only 10 am??

I’ve been up since 5:45 because D had a minor medical procedure this morning. It feels like it should be lunchtime.

I finished court and a few other things, and now I’m going to chill for a bit. Maybe nap. I’m running on about three hours of sleep.

I’m looking forward to the Philly cheesesteak I’m going to be ordering in a bit. Penn Station ftmfw.

Oh I’m reading the new Samantha Downing and I’m obsessed.

I might watch a movie later. I should be productive, but it’s not looking good.

Oh there’s a DMB show airing tonight from (I think) 2013, and the setlist is fucking 🔥🔥.

Aren’t you glad you take time from your life to read my inane babbling? Lol.