2:35 am

My sleep schedule is fucked. I am still very much on European time. I slept on and off all afternoon, which I know was a mistake, but my body needed it. The result is that I’m now wide awake in the 2 o’clock hour.

My body is such a fucking mess. I feel broken. The fluid in my abdomen is painful and heavy, making it difficult to take deep breaths. My feet and legs are still swollen, though less so, thank goodness. I keep feeling panicky and like I can’t breathe. I just took a Xanax, which should help. I’ve been popping them like candy the past couple of days.

I’m trying to show myself a lot of grace this weekend. I deserve the time and space to rest and recover. I forced my body to its breaking point for the trip. I don’t regret it, but I have to be patient with it now. This is the cost.

I worry this was my last big trip. I don’t think I could handle another, unless something changes. I really, really need a treatment to work for me and give me some of my control back.

I still haven’t decided what to do about treatment. My three options are:

  • Restart Verzenio at a reduced dose.
  • Start Kisqali, which is a pill in the same class as V.
  • Start Erubilin, which is IV chemo.

I think I’m leaning towards starting Kisqali. I’m not convinced that Verzenio, even at a lower dose, won’t cause the same GI issues as before. At this point, quality of life is the most important thing to me. I don’t want to be sick all the time just to extend my life for a few months. What’s the point in being alive if I’m not enjoying it?

Hopefully writing that out will clear my head and allow for some more rest. I can feel the Xanax kicking in.

That feeling when you’ve got the perfect high going…

I got swept up in some work drama this afternoon, which resulted in me drafting a couple of last minute motions. It was exhilarating, annoying, and exhausting, all at once.

I’m now on season 2 of Never Have I Ever, and it’s the cutest. I also need to watch the latest season of Maisel. And continue on with Discovering Anna. Plus, there are like four newish horror movies to watch. Oh oh oh, and…STUDIO 666. 😍

It’s March 1st, which means a new Reading Rivalry competition has begun. I’m halfway through my first book, and I have my next two planned. This month’s overall theme will be challenging for me, but I’m looking forward to expanding my horizons.

I’m halfway through Cursed by Jennifer Armentrout, and I’m surprisingly into it. I’m not typically into fantasy-romance, but it has my attention.

In fact, I guess I should get back to it.


(I didn’t mention cancer even once…Oops)

3:51 am

If only I could sleep through the night. Sigh.

I’m anxious about the big docket this morning. Starts at 9. Should be over in like an hour. The plan is to then spend the afternoon at a winery with D, and the evening with my gf. How delightful.

After school drop-off later this morning, we will be gloriously kid-free until Tuesday afternoon. We need this. Our plans are still up in the air, but we have a swinger date on Friday night, so that should be fun. (Kind of a blast from the past too, but more on that later). I’ve also been promised dinner at my favorite French bistro that has the most incredible onion soup E•V•E•R.

I took two doses of oxy in the past 24 hours, and now my body is itchy. I hate that I have this reaction to narcotics, but fuck I sure do feel a lot better otherwise.

I feel like a terrible friend. I have so many people I’ve been neglecting. I need to set up dinner dates with the besties. At least I’ll get to see Annie on Thursday afternoon while we’re getting our hair done. Woo.

I’m only blogging because I’m bored, and I don’t feel like reading. I have to be up for the day in just 2 1/2 hours. I’ve been awake for an hour already. This nonsense needs to stop, but I think this is just my life now tbh. I remember my grandmother seemingly always being awake, and I’m feeling like that more and more.

Things coming up in the next month-ish:

  • Swinger date(s)
  • Tree climbing adventure with Karen (yes, I’m hanging with Freya’s mom again. We’re friends now)
  • Vintage market days
  • Freya’s homecoming!
  • Various friend dates
  • Road trip to Cleveland to visit L&L
  • St. Vincent!!
  • Hopefully the book swap party – I need to get an evite out asap.

Oh and it’s September now, which, in my mind, means it’s the first day of autumn. Lol. Gonna start decorating, and planning the Halloween party.

Okay so I’m actually extremely fucking tired, so let’s see if my dumb ass brain will actually allow more sleep.


some tuesday tidings

I woke up feeling pretty good today. My energy is high (for me). I think today will be a good day.

On today’s agenda:

  • Cleaning all the things.
  • Finish up drafting a few legal docs.
  • Taking the boy to get a much needed haircut. He def has my hair – well the hair I used to have pre-cancer. It grows quickly and is very thick. His dad is bald, and has been for years, so he got lucky.
  • Picking up the girl from band at 4:30. I’m just waiting for her to ask if she can go to her bf’s house or if he can come here. Ugh. She is obsessed with this kid, and it is affecting everything she does (including her life goals – like she doesn’t want to go to college anymore, just wants to marry this kid). He was here last night. Had dinner with us. Then later they got busted getting it on – yep, yep, yep that happened. D is freaking out/furious/disappointed. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. There is a lot more going on that I am not going to share here, but none of it is good. She is quite the handful right now. I’m just lucky that she confides in me so that I can try to keep her from going completely off the rails. She does seem to take my advice to heart most of the time.
  • After that, I have to pretty myself up for date night with my gf. We are going to Dave & Busters tonight. I’m so excited.

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be driving about an hour for an in-person court hearing. It sounds like I only need a continuance, so it sucks that this requires an appearance, but it will be sort of good to get out into the mix; even if it is for something fucking stupid.

I do hate the clerks down in this particular county though. The PA, too. They are all a bunch of dicks and they hate the “big city attorneys” and treat us like shit. One of them asked me once if I was stupid because I asked about one of their procedures – I’m serious. LOL forever. Fucking hicks. I bet I get the Delta Variant down there.

Anyhoo – I have high hopes that these cancer meds are actually working for me, and that is maybe why I am feeling better, and that maybe life will feel normal for a bit. I/we deserve it.


Wordy Wednesday

  • I’m going to try to do a Facebook Live every Wednesday. I’m calling it Weed Wednesdays – lol. I did my first this morning. If you want to check it out: https://www.facebook.com/jenn.alter.rieken – it’s set to public.
  • I’m currently reading The Final Girl Support Group, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages. I’m about a third of the way through, and I’m disappointed so far. I think it has been too hyped. My plan is to finish it today.
  • Next up: For Your Own Good by Samantha Downing, which I’ve also been anxiously awaiting. I’ve loved all of her stuff so far, so expectations are high.
  • I woke up feeling pretty good today, and I hope that lasts. I hope it at least lasts through tomorrow, since tomorrow is my birthday!!
  • D and I have both been struggling with our aging as of late, but we agree that the only thing worse than aging is not aging. Still, we want to try harder to control the chaos once we get home.
  • There isn’t much to report really. We are in full-on relaxation mode. The beach is healing. I adore the ocean, and am in awe of it. My early mornings sitting out on the balcony are becoming my favorite time of day. I’m going to miss it, but hope to find a way to make that time of day equally as relaxing once I get home.
  • I do miss my fur babies very much. My neighbors are doing a fabulous job with the girls, and send me updates, which I very much appreciate. I wish we were getting more updates on Bizzy. He’s being boarded. (Violet isn’t allowed to be boarded. Lol. It’s a long story).
  • I’m so appreciative of this time off/away. I’m not quite homesick yet, but I feel it coming. I miss my pets, my bed, and my gf.
  • I have a gf. 🥰
  • Trying to decide if I’m going to take Frey to the outlets today for some shopping. 🤔
  • Life is good. 😘😘

riding the rollercoaster: day in/day out

I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.

To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.

So that’s fun.

Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.

Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?

Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.

Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.


I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…

I won’t say it.


If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.

Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.


I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.

Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!

This post is all over the place, just like my brain.

I hope your Friday treats you kindly.

Take it easy, but take it!



– I am high on a gummy and it’s a delight.

– The Conjuring, in particular, and horror generally, is my go-to source of comfort. Current status: on the couch, high af, watching TC on Netflix. Up next: The Conjuring 2. Lol.

Zofran is my new best friend.

I’m getting better at allowing myself to just be, and not beating myself up for not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.

Like my weight, for example: I’ve gained some back since stopping keto, but I’m not obsessing (too much – ha). I’m being gentle with myself for the first time maybe ever.

Let’s talk side effects so far: fatigue, dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and headache.

I’m going to try to get back to my normal routine tomorrow. I think some normalcy would do me good.

Oh and here is a pic of me from yesterday, just because I like it.

the tgif post

Wow – court is going very poorly today. I was number one on the 10:30 am docket, and we just started my case at 11:50. We are having lots of tech issues with the phone conference software today, and I just don’t understand how we can have so many phone problems. It’s 2021 – shouldn’t we be better than this? I hate to say it: but I think I’m ready for in-person court again. This shit is ridiculous.

I continue to scour the internet to try to find a vaccine appointment for Dave. Our (shitty) governor is eliminating all tiers as of April 9 (i think) and so I want to get him vaccinated asap (though he is already eligible under the current tier so it doesn’t really matter I guess/i just wanted to mention that Parsons is a dickbag). Trying to find an appointment is a full-time job on its own. As of tomorrow, my waiting period will be over and I will be considered fully vaccinated. That’s very exciting.

Today was weigh-in day, and I fell about .4 short of my 1% for the week, but I’m not too worried. I weighed in at 138.6 this morning, but I was as low as 136.7 yesterday morning. Weight fluctuates so much that I try not to get too stuck on a particular number as long as I am showing a loss from the previous Friday. It doesn’t help that my date night with Matt is on Thursday nights, and there is usually much eating and drinking on those nights. We got deep into some (shitty) beers last night – like I think I drank three Coronas. We had such a good time though, and it was totally worth it. We have gotten to a very comfortable point with each other where the conversation flows super well – like we run out of time before we run out of shit to say. I love that.

I have been trying on all my clothes over the last few days, and have so much stuff that doesn’t fit. I’m embarrassed by how much of it still has the tags attached! Oops. The issue is that I buy stuff, but then I don’t return it when it doesn’t fit or I don’t like it. I suck at returning stuff, like I can’t remember the last time I returned something. It has seriously been years. Anyway – I am in need of a few replacement items, so I am thinking about hitting up the outlets tomorrow to do a little shopping, assuming it’s not raining, of course. I am so over all of this rain.

D’s college bestie arrived last night, and they are downstairs playing Axis & Allies Pacific in the dining room. I hear bursts of loud laughter occasionally, and it makes me happy to know that D is having fun. He has been super stressed recently, and he really needs this time to unwind. We came home from a very fun night out on Tuesday, where he got quite intoxicated, and then had a bit of a breakdown. I am determined to do what I can to alleviate as much stress for him as I can. Obviously, I cannot do much for his work stress, but I can eliminate household stress by stepping up my game around here – so that is the new plan. Already in effect!

Alrighty – it is a little after noon now. Court is finally over. I am starving. I need to get some food and get myself dressed and presentable. I have 2 pm and 3 pm consults, and then I’m off to pick up Corrine and head over to Third Wheel for the lawyer happy hour tonight. Our lawyer pal rage quit his job a few weeks ago, so several of us are getting together to buy him drinks and get the scoop. It will be good to see everyone. It has been too long. C and I are arriving a bit early so we can have some girl talk prior to everyone else arriving. I have so much to tell her!

Happy Friday. I hope you have a fabulous weekend.


friday five

  1. I can tell I’m going to have a hard time adjusting to my new paralegal set-up. I’ve had the same assistant for the last ten years, and now she’s transitioning into a different position. I will still be working with her in my crim/traffic practice, but now have a staff of three new bankruptcy paralegals to rely upon, and I don’t wanna. lol. I want K. K is my person. I’m trying not to panic.
  2. I woke up feeling pretty shitty today, but otherwise in a good mood. The spring allergies are definitely trying to kill me. I also might be a touch hungover from the tequila and prosecco M and I shared last night. My face feels like it’s going to explode. No bueno. I need to stop somewhere in stl county and pick up some Claritin D. (You can’t get pseudoephedrine in my county w/o a prescription, because my county is fucking stupid).
  3. Speaking of last night, I had such a lovely time. Our relationship has def leveled up these past couple of months, and I am here for it. He really does feel like my actual boyfriend at this point. It’s nice.
  4. I stayed up late reading last night, and now I need another book. I have several unread books nearby, and a long to-read list on Goodreads, and still I search. It has to be exactly the right book for right now. That’s just how it goes for me. #booknerd
  5. This weekend has a lot of potential. Tonight is Friday night dinner date with my love, which is always the highlight of my week. How it’s possible to adore someone so much is beyond me, but it’s amazing. We are going to the outdoor beer festival at our neighborhood brewery tomorrow afternoon, which will be tits. N&N want to hang out, so maybe we will invite them along. The kids will be home, and I’d like to spend some quality time with them assuming they allow it. Fucking tween/teens, bro. Oh and I have a Zoom date with MVS on Sunday that I am very much looking forward to. Our first (virtual) date!

Happy weekending, y’all.

wordy wednesday

I’m trying to get back into the habit of posting my day-to-day bullshit here.

The day so far:
– huge docket at 9 am. I was stressing hardcore over this one. It is the biggest, messiest docket I’ve had since before I started my own firm. DG has a lot more cases than I do, so when I’m covering both of us, stuff gets a bit crazy. Plus, the judge is a scary man. I’ve been practicing in front of him for 14 years, and I still get anxious and nauseated before the docket. But during? Adrenaline rush. Everything moves so quickly, you barely have time to think. I love it (don’t believe the lies I tell about not loving it).
– Miscellaneous paperwork while eating my 1st meal.
– I spent two hours prepping for my 2 pm docket, which had a super weird, no good case on it,. I knew I had no chance of winning, but I was ready to bring my A game regardless. I swallowed my nerves (same judge as this morning btw), joined the conference call, and the judge couldn’t hear any of us due to technical error (he had us all on “listen only” status). So the case got continued, which is actually really good for my client, so I’ll take it as a win.
– And now? It is almost 3 pm. I am about to logout for the day. I need to shower and beautify myself, because tonight is date night with my man. He wants to do something fancy tonight, so I get a chance to dress up. I’m currently wearing raccoon printed leggings and a sweatshirt that says “I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.” Yep.

The rest of the week looks pretty good. There is no more court (*praise hands*) this week. We are kid-free until Monday afternoon. Tomorrow night is poly double date night! I am super pumped about this development. The rest of the weekend is kind of up in the air since I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday afternoon, and we aren’t sure what to expect. Still – that’s an excellent problem to have. Every other weekend this month is pretty much booked, so it’s good to have nothing planned.

My mood has been better this week. I think it’s because of all of the sunlight. It feels weird saying that since I’ve always considered myself a vampire, but I guess I am not immune from S.A.D. after all. I’m trying to enjoy this limited time where it’s not brutally cold or brutally hot. This time is so short lived here in MO.

I’m on the struggle bus with my diet this week, and I’m not sure I’m going to make my 1%. I need to get down to 139.5 by Friday morning, and I weighed in this morning at 140.9. I keep losing and gaining the same pound. It’s totally my fault. I have been cheating. Too many tequila shots, and not finishing all my water. I’ve gotta get my head back in the game. Can’t stop/won’t stop. (If for no other reason than my husband cannot keep his hands off of me, and is constantly telling me how hot I look. All the yes).

Another motivation: I told myself I cannot have any of the keto cheesecake I bought until I see the 130s on my scale. I really, really want to get high and eat some of this fucking cheesecake, so I need to get my shit in order. Jen told me it is amazing.

Okay, okay. This is boring as fuck. I know, I know.


In the middle of the night

It’s 3:24 am. Insomnia strikes again.

It’s Monday, I guess. Boo to that. It’s treatment day, too. Meh. I have anxiety over seeing my tumor markers.

I had a really good, though very busy, weekend. All the socializing really wore me out. It was totally worth it though. I especially enjoyed my lunch with A. She is such a fucking delight.

Yesterday was Metamour Day, and I made sure mine were feeling the love. I’m so happy to have them in my life.

I don’t know what to think about certain relationships. I just continue to ride the rollercoaster. I’m trying to not have expectations. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Been there, done that.

It’s March! How did that happen? This will be a good month. We have a lot of fun stuff planned already. Also – I’m getting my second covid shot on Saturday. I’m excited to get that behind me.

Every day feels the same, but I really can’t complain. I’m happy. I’m loved. I’m lucky.

Pics from yesterday:



I drank too much last night, and I am really paying for it today. I feel awful. I have to remember that I cannot drink like I’m in my 30s anymore. Especially given the lack of carbs, the weight loss, and the alcohol content of what I drink nowadays (mostly tequila and wine – beer was so easy to drink and I miss it). Ugh, ugh, ugh.

But…my date with MP was wonderful. He’s so interesting and thoughtful. I had a very good time. It was definitely worth the wait.

When I got home, A was here, so I said hi to her and Dave, then ran to the bathroom to throw up. Keeping it really classy over here, peeps.

And then play that on repeat, unfortunately.

The silver lining? My weigh in was pretty amazing this morning! Ha. I made my 1% loss for the week. I came in at exactly 142. I’m going to squeal when I finally see 139 on my scale. Hopefully next week! I’ve lost a total of 12 pounds. 17 to go!

We were supposed to have Jackson with us this weekend, but his dad had to cancel his trip (he was going to Texas), so we are unexpectedly kid free. The plan tonight is the usual: steak night with my gingy babe. We have some catching up to do. We both have dates to discuss.
Tomorrow night we have reservations at our fave seafood spot, and then on Sunday we are making a weed run to Illinois. It’s about time I put my medical mj card to use.

Next week starts the new custody schedule – so we will have both kids on Mondays and Tuesdays now (and every other weekend). For a while it has been both kids on Monday, Frey on Tuesday, and Jackson on Wednesday. This will be a nice change. It’s more convenient for me, since I often have court on Wednesdays at 4 pm, which is when I’m supposed to get Jackson from school. Plus, I like the idea of having them for one long stretch at a time. When they are here, they are here.

I do miss him already though. My sweet boy.

It’s around 2 pm on Friday afternoon. I’m going to go ahead and call it a day. I feel like crawling into my (upstairs) bed and reading. MP gave me some books last night that I am very excited to dig into. First up: Lost Caves of St. Louis. I cannot wait until spring so we can get out and start exploring some stuff. My bed is extra cozy right now because M&J hooked me up with an amazing pink velvet comforter that I am obsessed with.

Okay – enough pointless rambling.