I read an article that took me down a dark rabbit hole, and now I have the sad.
To sum it up: I have peritoneal mets, and the life expectancy is quite poor.
So that’s fun.
Anyway – it’s not like I didn’t already know, but it was a bit of a slap in the face to see it so plainly stated, in a medical journal.
Le Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with certain things anymore. Why pretend like life is normal, when it clearly is not normal and will never be so again? Like why am I even doing attorney work anymore?
Welp – today is Fri-yay, so I am going to pull myself out of the funk, and get to having fun with my man. We have a fancy date planned for this afternoon/evening. I just need to escape from the (court) hearing hell I’m currently living in. We are an hour into the hearing, and are only on case #5. My cases start at #13, and I have 4. Oof.
Both of the kiddos are leaving on family vacations today with their other parents. I am excited for both of them, and even more excited about our own vacation, which is only a week away!!! OMG I NEED TO FEEL THE SAND BETWEEN MY TOES. I NEED TO SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE GULF. I NEED NEED NEED NEED IT.
I can feel it you know…the cancer. But I feel it less than I did a month ago, so maybe this treatment will work for a while. The average is 6 to 12 months. I’ll take what I can get. I know it’s petty and selfish, but I hear about some women being on their first line of treatment for years, and I get angry. Why not me?? Why am I always so fucking unlucky? I’m now on my third line of treatment in 18 months. And my mets are in the weird, scary, unusual places. Because of course they are. Lobular sometimes mets to the eyes, and I swear to god if I go blind over this…
I won’t say it.
If you have messaged me, and I haven’t responded, I am sorry. I just can’t right now. I only have so much energy, and I ration what I give away nowadays. I save 90% of it for my family. That’s just the way it’s gotta be.
Alrighty – enough with the pity party. Feeling bad/sad/angry isn’t going to change a god damn thing.
I can’t get the lyrics from Funny The Way It Is out of my head.
Speaking of which – we’re only a month out from DMB Deer Creek weekend!!!
This post is all over the place, just like my brain.
I hope your Friday treats you kindly.
Take it easy, but take it!