I find out my exit (to the courthouse) is closed right as I’m pulling up. There are no advance signs to warn me. Why would there be a sign??? It’s a left exit, of course, so I have to cross 4 lanes of traffic within 20 seconds to get to the next exit, which is the last Missouri exit. Fun times. Fun fucking times. Fuck you very much, Missouri Dept. of Transportation.
The usual scenario:
Old guy comes into my office for a consultation. I walk into the room and immediately introduce myself, indicating that I am the attorney.
Old guy: Wait…you’re the attorney????? *looks confused and uncomfortable*
What I want to say: Yes, I am the attorney. I know that you are confused because I have a vagina, am younger than you, and also likely a bit uncomfortable because you are attracted to me on some level, but you’re going to need to get the fuck over it or get the fuck out. Okay? Because I don’t have time for this bullshit today.
What I actually say (in a cheery but slightly condescending way): Yep! Sure am! That’s my name outside on the door.
By the end of the consultation, they are usually much more chill, as I have proven to them, I suppose, that I am more than just a pretty face. Guess what?!! Women can be lawyers, too!!!
BUT…once they get comfortable, shit like this starts up: “I really like that dress. You sure dress a lot nicer than other women. You’re really cute. I never thought I’d have a cute female lawyer when I made the appointment.”
EPIC FUCKING EYEROLL. JUST DON’T OKAY. DON’T. If you wouldn’t say it to a male attorney then don’t say it to me.
I asked my ex to get Jackson’s hair cut last night, which he promised to do, but then he blew it off to celebrate National Tequila Day. This was after I explained how I really needed him to handle it (for once), since I have a bunch of stuff going on this week. So guess who is sitting at the hair salon right now? That would be me. Oh and guess who had the audacity to ask me for a loan this morning? That would be my ex.
I’m so fucking ragey right now at people who:
- are clueless about how to do the things they are paid to do.
- are incompetent, but act like self-important know-it-alls.
- don’t know when to stop talking.
- can’t take a fucking hint.
- are adults with professional degrees but need to be babysat.
- don’t know how to be helpful.
- are essentially completely fucking worthless.
While I said “people” above, I really mean “person.” Because it is one person who is so on my nerves today, that it might finally be the day I lose my shit. I have already left the office once today, because I just can’t even with the overall nonsense and constant fucking mansplaining.
For fuck’s sake, please stop calling me all the time.
If I wanted to talk to you this often, I wouldn’t have divorced you.
I’ve been helping my kid with his math homework a lot recently, and I must say I don’t understand the way they teach it nowadays.
Well…that’s not true. I do understand it, I just think it’s fucking stupid. It’s supposed to be easier, but it’s actually overly complicated.
He actually said to me at one point, “we’re not allowed to count.” Because heaven forbid you might fucking count?! For fuck’s sake.
I hate how the kids think that if they can’t sleep for some reason then they need to walk around the house waking everyone else up, too. Both of them do this and it is infuriating. Last night was Jackson’s turn.
Grumpy mom alert.
I wish my clients would take a deep breath and think about what they’re going to say before it comes out of their mouths.
If I hear one more time, “This bankruptcy ruined my life,” I’m gonna lose my shit.
Oh did it? Did getting rid of that $100,000.00 in debt ruin your life, Martha? I’m so fucking sorry to hear that.
That’s basically how I respond to them, because I don’t even give a fuck anymore. I’m so fucking sorry that you got rid of all of your debt but now you can’t turn around and immediately buy a house because you have shitty credit. Cry me a motherfucking river, my dude.
I’ve been trying to stay off the internet, because the internet is dark and full of terrors. Seriously…I fucking can’t with people right now. It has been easy to do today because I was absolutely slammed at work.
The blog doesn’t count. The blog is exempt.
Seriously though, Facebook is a pile of shit and I’m back to wanting to just deactivate my account. I’m tired of learning seriously alarming and disappointing things about people I like and/or love. I mean, I guess it’s better that I know, but still. It’s all very disheartening.
Oh and I can’t even with how everyone is suddenly an expert on the First Amendment. *epic eye roll* Read Brandenburg v Ohio and get back to me, please.
And listen…I get that it is so much worse for minorities and that they have been living with this ridiculous, disgusting bullshit fucking forever now. I get to have my feelings, though, and this is my space to express them. That should go without saying, but, ya know…motherfucking people are going to people. (That’s my new version of haters gonna hate, btw.)
There are like maybe 20 people I don’t absolutely loathe interacting with at this point.
I have three people for whom I carry some serious resentment. I call them The Big Three in my mind…haha. I need to find a way to get past it, but they always make it so fucking difficult with all their martyr syndrome bullshit and/or the inability to concisely answer a fucking question or just be chill for like once. Ugh. Today is supposed to be a rest day for me, but I may need to run anyway in order to channel some of this rage. Because now it’s ruining my day and that is just fucking stupid. TGIF for real though. I need an extended break from people.
- Passive aggressive behavior: just fucking say what you want to say, bro.
- Lateness: especially when clients are late for appointments, but really any sort of lateness drives me crazy. Be where you said you were going to be, when you said you were going to be there. It isn’t that hard. People like to say better late than never, but I disagree. Never is perfectly acceptable to me.
- These two are sort of related so I’m going to post them together: (a) when you try to move into the next lane and the person in that lane speeds up to block you, and (b) when you let someone over and they don’t wave to say thanks. Rude.
- When I’m talking to someone, and they aren’t fully listening to me/engaged, I feel epic rage. I don’t make a point of speaking with most people, so if I’m talking to you then it’s important to me.
- People who spaz out on you the moment you see them, making the entire interaction super fucking painful and awkward, while you watch them spiral further and further out of control until they finally just leave; meanwhile, the entire time you were just standing there staring at them like what in the actual fuck is happening right now. I have two people in mind where this is a constant issue, and I think that maybe I just make them nervous, which makes me feel like a bit of an asshole for what I just said, but still…fucking chill. Some people just have no chill, I guess.
because I’ve been biting my tongue all morning. So far I have refrained from going off on:
- a court clerk
- a prosecutor
- my employees
All of whom have deserved my wrath on this fine fucking day.
I am definitely practicing patience and kindness today.
Oh and tomorrow? Tomorrow is going to suck hella fucking hard. I have a case on the docket tomorrow morning that is so fucked I can’t even…
This is why so many attorneys are alcoholics.
*EPIC FUCKING SIGH OF FRUSTRATION*