some monday musings

Greetings from Quarantine Day 58 (I think). I’ve lost track.

OOTD –

Bonus cat pic just because.

This meme feels relevant today. It’s mid-May, but it’s barely 60 degrees outside. I’m wearing leggings under my dress, and we have the heat turned on in the house. It’s ridiculous. I’m ready for warmer weather.

Other memes that spoke to me today:

I downloaded a Couch to 10k app. I get a 7 free day trial, and then have to pay like $12 or something. I’ve decided I need a project, and this is going to be the project. I like this app because it had me do an assessment to determine where in the program I should start. I looked at what will be my starting run, and it seems right on point for my fitness level. I’m going to do the first run after my appointments are finished for the day.

I feel unwell. I’m still on that same “allergies combined with drug side effects” struggle bus. I’m crazy exhausted today, which I know is from my white & red blood cell counts being low. This is my recovery week (from Ibrance), but I basically feel like hot garbage right now. I have an appointment Friday with the oncologist, where I will get another round of Faslodex injections (uggggghhhhh) and then I start round 3 of Ibrance on Saturday night. I’m not looking forward to any of it.

Holy fuck I feel bad right now. *sad face*

I’m anxious to see what, if any, fallout occurs from everyone being out and about again in my county. I heard/read reports of restaurants and bars being absolutely packed this weekend – like with people shoulder to shoulder – with almost nobody wearing masks. I figure by the end of this month we should know whether that was an epic fail or not. I’m assuming it will be. I will be staying in for now and seeing how it goes.

I was at Target on Saturday afternoon, and it wasn’t too bad. Most people had on masks. Target was doing a good job of trying to make social distancing happen. I’m in no rush to do it again though. Going out nowadays feels gross and wrong…dangerous. I hate it. I hate all of this.

It was interesting to see what was out of stock. Freya wanted candles for her mom, but there were very few remaining, so I got the best ones I could. The craft aisle was empty. All the bicycles were gone. Still no toilet paper, but we did get some paper towels, which we needed. We’re good on toilet paper (Thanks, Amazon!).

Freya is with her mom all week, and we are sort of bummed about it, but it was only fair given that we had her for (almost) an entire week due to her mom being (potentially) exposed to Covid-19 (and we offered – it isn’t like she asked). Thankfully, K seems to be fine.

I’m already dreaming of the weekend. Too soon?

xoxo

 

it sucks

Every time a new pain pops up, I just assume it is cancer, and it really, really sucks.

Though, to be fair, this current pain is in a spot where I actually know there is a tumor, so I guess I should just pop some pain pills and calm the fuck down about it.

The good news is that I haven’t had any pain in the spot that was radiated a month or so ago, so that’s good. It was really bothering me prior to that.

Session 1

My first therapy session went really well. I really like her a lot. She’s super easy to talk to, and we dug into a lot of shit, which is normal for session 1. Topics included: cancer (obvi), relationship stuff, self-esteem/body image issues, swinging/lifestyle stuff, parenting, and my career/the law firm. I’m going to be seeing her every two weeks for now. I felt heard/seen/accepted. It was good. I should have done this a while ago.

this is an update

I submitted an online inquiry to a therapist. Her office is out of Nashville, but she offers virtual appointments to Missouri residents because she grew up in STL. She came highly recommended by my therapist friend, so I hope it works out. My friend actually said she would be the best one in her practice to work with me, but obviously that is not allowed.

In other news, tonight is date night. The kids have been picked up by the other parents, and so it’s just me and D. This morning started out quite nicely with an enthusiastic bang, so hopefully there will be some more of that tonight. There will also be Petrichor – we are picking up dinner and beer from them tonight. Mmm West Coast IPA. I think we might be watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 – even though we kind of hated the first one – because we need to keep moving through our Marvel movie marathon.

We’re not exercising tonight. We were going to go on a walk, but it is going to storm. I’m actually looking forward to just chilling and (hopefully) not worrying about anything except enjoying my husband’s company. I’m trying really hard to train my brain not to go down those deep, dark, scary rabbit holes. I get lost in there and can’t find my way out. No bueno.

xoxo

tuesday tirade

I was wearing a cute dress and cat brooch:

But then I decided to change, because my body hurts today. It’s partially soreness from yesterday’s workout, but the bigger part is tension pain throughout my head, neck, shoulders, and back. So now I’m wearing this instead:

It was nice to free the boobs from boob jail – this shirt seemed appropriate under the circumstances. Haha. And my husband seems to like these basic looks better than my usual attire anyway so win-win.

Last night, D and I took a long walk, and I ended up spewing emotional vomit all over him, and I feel terrible about it. It’s not fair for me to place all of my emotional baggage at his feet and ask him to carry it. Help me carry it? Sure. But he doesn’t need to hear some of it. Some of it is just too much; especially considering he can’t do a damn thing about it. So I reached out to a therapist friend, whom I’m hoping will have a referral for me. I need someone I can talk to. The cancer psychologist I met with was cool, but he’s not the right fit for the shit I’m ready to dig into. I want a female. I need someone who can at least sort of relate to what I’ve already given up in terms of my body and self esteem. I need a female perspective on how to deal with my insecurities about the future and about my relationship. In the meantime, my friend Kara has been stepping up in a big way. She has her own cancer diagnosis, so she understands. It’s good to vent to her, but still…I need professional help. My issues are a fucking full time job right now. I put up a brave front, but this is so fucking hard. The bitterness – it’s palpable. It’s like I’m choking on it.

Wow that was a novel.

Ugh there is still so much shit left to do today. I’m thinking of taking some time off, but I feel bad if I’m not constantly making money for the firm, because who the fuck knows what’s going to happen with the economy. But I need to give that up, because I certainly won’t be thinking of how I wished I had worked more when I’m on my death bed.

I just keep reminding myself that despite how difficult shit is, and how disappointed I am in some things, I am actually very fucking lucky. Even with cancer, I’m luckier than a lot of people. His love is worth more than anything, and I have it. I can’t lose sight of that.