final countdown

Something has slowly dawned on me over the last couple of days:

I was never this excited about my first wedding. 

Let me explain. 

The thought first occurred to me on Thursday while D and I were getting our marriage license. Even spending an entire morning doing government paperwork was fun with him. We laughed. I cried happy tears when we took the oath. We both took pics and shared our happiness on social media. It felt easy and fun…special. Afterwards, we went to lunch at one of our favorite places and gushed to each other about how happy and excited we were. 

When my ex and I went to get our marriage license, he complained all morning, made us late because he insisted on going to the bookstore first, and kept telling me stories about random strippers he had encountered in Las Vegas. He bitched and moaned about everything he possibly could and generally just acted like an ass. Even our friends were embarrassed by his behavior. We ended up getting into a huge fight and I remember pushing all kinds of bad thoughts to the back of my mind, thinking: just get it done. 

It occurred to me again yesterday, after receiving and freaking out over photos of my wedding shoes, just how much more into this wedding I am. When D got home, I squealed, showing him the pics while doing a happy dance, and he didn’t make me feel stupid about it. He didn’t trivialize my excitement or turn the moment into something about him. It may seem insignificant, but I promise you that it is not to me. 

This realization has made me a bit sad. I feel guilty. I feel like these feelings trivialize a 15 year relationship, which isn’t my intention at all. Additionally, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy on my last wedding day, because I was. Of course I was. However, it’s impossible to ignore the stark contrast, and I guess I just needed to get it out so that I can accept the feelings for what they are and move on from it. Because in a way I’m putting that relationship to bed, finally. The mourning period is finally coming to an end. What is done is done and it’s time to let it go. In seven days, I will marry the love of my life, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. This is exactly the way it should feel. I deserve this. 

I’m so fucking happy. 

One week! 

feeling sentimental

This was our last weekend alone before the wedding. It went too fast. It was lovely, though. Simple, but lovely. 

He referred to the wedding as the “I win” ceremony today, but really I’m the big winner here. 

Head over heels forever and ever. 

I choose you today and everyday, always.