And meanwhile i’m loving you so much

My current favorite off the new album, with which I am completely obsessed btw, in a way that only women who came to age in a very specific time in the late 90s can be (oh hello, class of 97).

 

I gave you pictures and cards on non-holidays
And it wasn’t because I was bored
I followed you from room to room
With no attention
And it wasn’t because I was bored
It was because I was loving you so much
It’s the only reason I gave my time to you
And that’s it, there’s a kick and you’ve given up
‘Cause you know you won’t like it
When there’s nothing to do
Check out that rack of his
Look at that row of guitar necks
Lined up like eager fillies
Outstretched like legs of Rockettes
They don’t know what they are in for
And they don’t care, but I do
I thought you would wail on me
Like you wail on them
But it was just a coochie-coo-coo
And meanwhile I’m loving you so much
It’s the only reason
I gave my time to you
And that’s it, there’s a kick and you’ve given up
‘Cause you know you won’t like it
When there’s nothing to do
Meanwhile I’m loving you so much
It’s the only reason
That I gave my time to you
And that’s it, there’s a kick and you’ve given up
‘Cause you know you don’t like it
When there’s nothing to do
And I’ve been used so many times
I’ve learned to use myself in kind
I tried to drum
I tried to write
I can’t do Orville, oh well that’s fine
I guess ’cause I know how to spend my time
(I know how to spend my time)
(I know how to spend my time)
(I know how to spend my time)
(I know how to spend my time)
(And meanwhile I’m loving you so much)
(Meanwhile I’m loving you so much)
(Meanwhile I’m loving you so much)
(Meanwhile I’m loving you so much)
(Meanwhile I’m loving you so much)
**I remember feeling this type of pining, semi-obsessive love for my (now) husband way back in the day before we had really hit our stride, and I think that is why I love this song so much. We had a rocky road in the beginning, and sometimes I wasn’t sure if he actually cared about me or not, but I was oh so very much enamored of him. Still am; except now I know he’s just as enamored of me. It’s the best feeling in the world.

this is an update

I submitted an online inquiry to a therapist. Her office is out of Nashville, but she offers virtual appointments to Missouri residents because she grew up in STL. She came highly recommended by my therapist friend, so I hope it works out. My friend actually said she would be the best one in her practice to work with me, but obviously that is not allowed.

In other news, tonight is date night. The kids have been picked up by the other parents, and so it’s just me and D. This morning started out quite nicely with an enthusiastic bang, so hopefully there will be some more of that tonight. There will also be Petrichor – we are picking up dinner and beer from them tonight. Mmm West Coast IPA. I think we might be watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 – even though we kind of hated the first one – because we need to keep moving through our Marvel movie marathon.

We’re not exercising tonight. We were going to go on a walk, but it is going to storm. I’m actually looking forward to just chilling and (hopefully) not worrying about anything except enjoying my husband’s company. I’m trying really hard to train my brain not to go down those deep, dark, scary rabbit holes. I get lost in there and can’t find my way out. No bueno.

xoxo

It’s a struggle

This dreary Monday after DST has me all out of sorts.

I haven’t been sleeping well the last few nights – even with sleeping pills.

I keep thinking about what happens after I die, and everyone moves on with their lives. More specifically, I keep thinking about D getting another girlfriend/wife. It makes me feel sick, like I might throw up. Of course I want him to be happy. I really do. But the thought of it is like taking a fucking bullet.

Fuck all of this bullshit. I’m so fucking angry today.