friday five

  1. I can tell I’m going to have a hard time adjusting to my new paralegal set-up. I’ve had the same assistant for the last ten years, and now she’s transitioning into a different position. I will still be working with her in my crim/traffic practice, but now have a staff of three new bankruptcy paralegals to rely upon, and I don’t wanna. lol. I want K. K is my person. I’m trying not to panic.
  2. I woke up feeling pretty shitty today, but otherwise in a good mood. The spring allergies are definitely trying to kill me. I also might be a touch hungover from the tequila and prosecco M and I shared last night. My face feels like it’s going to explode. No bueno. I need to stop somewhere in stl county and pick up some Claritin D. (You can’t get pseudoephedrine in my county w/o a prescription, because my county is fucking stupid).
  3. Speaking of last night, I had such a lovely time. Our relationship has def leveled up these past couple of months, and I am here for it. He really does feel like my actual boyfriend at this point. It’s nice.
  4. I stayed up late reading last night, and now I need another book. I have several unread books nearby, and a long to-read list on Goodreads, and still I search. It has to be exactly the right book for right now. That’s just how it goes for me. #booknerd
  5. This weekend has a lot of potential. Tonight is Friday night dinner date with my love, which is always the highlight of my week. How it’s possible to adore someone so much is beyond me, but it’s amazing. We are going to the outdoor beer festival at our neighborhood brewery tomorrow afternoon, which will be tits. N&N want to hang out, so maybe we will invite them along. The kids will be home, and I’d like to spend some quality time with them assuming they allow it. Fucking tween/teens, bro. Oh and I have a Zoom date with MVS on Sunday that I am very much looking forward to. Our first (virtual) date!

Happy weekending, y’all.
XOXO

“poly” points

  • the line between not enough attention and too much is a thin one for me. it’s an INFJ thing. i’m not an easy person to get close to. i have a wall.
  • i tend to obsess over my partners “liking” another female’s post (especially a sexy post) on social media. (lol – that’s not very poly of you jenn)
  • the jealousy is strong with this one.
  • i am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. i am extremely high maintenance. i’m working on it (always), and i like to think i’m worth it, but…caveat emptor. lol
  • i’m not sure what info i’m entitled to regarding who another partner is interested in/seeing/sleeping with.
  • i don’t even know how much i actually want to know about that either.
  • i like that the jealousy workbook talks about a relationship spectrum. i’m not like super poly, but i’m not monogamous either. i feel like some poly people are so strict about what it means to be poly, and it really turns me off tbh.
  • i don’t necessarily want the label. i don’t know that i actually consider myself poly at all. it’s an easy label to apply to most easily describe the situation, but it isn’t really an accurate label.
  • maybe hierarchical poly is a better label. it’s still not perfect though.
  • i am dating 3 people. all of their names start with M. lol
  • two of them read this blog.
  • and obviously my husband reads this blog as well.
  • because of all that, i have been a bit hesitant to share certain things here recently, but i am trying to ignore the urge to hold things in. i truly believe that i’m liked because of my openness, so why change that now?
  • one of my best friends has no idea that any of this is going on. i was going to tell her a few months ago, which i was dreading b/c i knew she wouldn’t take it well (from my swinger days), but didn’t because she was diagnosed with cancer. her treatment is now over, and we are seeing each other for the first time in months. i think it’s time to tell her the truth. I AM NERVOUS AF.
  • but like C (my other bestie) told me earlier: you’ve gotta do you, babe, and not worry about what other people think.
  • i am a walking contradiction, huh?

M

My boyfriend (I like saying that!!) came over tonight. He made us keto friendly Indian food, which was delicious. We talked quite candidly about all the things, and I’m feeling really good about us right now. I’m so glad I trusted my instincts and dug in tonight. We for sure leveled up.

We also had many shots of expensive tequila. My weigh-in tomorrow is going to be awful, and I’ll probably be hungover, but I have no regrets. ♥️

my heart ♥️

D and I had a great night of reconnection. He was feeling upset about something, and we talked it out over the course of the night. He was so forthcoming and vulnerable with me, and I’m really loving how expressive he is being nowadays.

He was worried I was going to be upset with him, but not even close. I choose him. Always.

5:34 am

My insomnia has gotten really bad recently. I feel like I’m always awake. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about adjusting my sleep meds.

I was thinking about poly stuff earlier. A couple of months ago, I thought I was hitting it off with someone, and then he pulled away. Not gonna lie, it stung a bit. But it got me thinking about what I want, and got me to message MP. Things with him are really great, and I’m so glad I reached out to him. I have a big time crush.

You know who else I’m crushing really hard on? My husband. We have always had an amazing relationship, but we have leveled up recently. I feel closer to him than ever, and we are meeting each other’s emotional needs on a deeper level. I feel loved and cherished by him. So secure. It’s wonderful. I love him so much.

I think this is going to be a good year.