It’s too early to be awake on a Saturday morning, but I can’t sleep, of course. My mind keeps wandering to the strangest places.
Doesn’t New Years day feel like the longest day ever? I’m glad it’s over.
We watched Lethal Weapon last night and it was just as ridiculously bad as I remembered. My mom used to watch it all the time when I was growing up. I wonder if she still does. I have no idea about what my mom likes anymore or what she wants or how she feels. I haven’t really known her (if I ever did) since 1998 when I left for good. I suppose I could fix that, but I’ve lived this way for so long that it’s the only way I know how to be.
It’s interesting to compare that situation with my relationship with Dave. Just last night, during a discussion about parents and exes, I told him that I know him better than anyone else and I love him way more than they do. He agreed. We both remember our very first lunch date where I told him that I wanted to know everything about him. Now I do.
I was thinking about my ex yesterday because of a difficult conversation we had that made him sad. It occurred to me that the person he misses no longer exists. He doesn’t know me anymore. I sacrificed so much of who I was to make that relationship work, and now that I don’t have to do that anymore, I’m a different person.
Waking up to family drama via Facebook is not my ideal way to start a Sunday morning, but such is life.
I haven’t posted much about all of this, mostly because I haven’t wanted to deal with it. (I think I did post about it once, but then I made the post private.) Anyway, my mom is really sick. It sounds like maybe it’s life threatening. I don’t really know for sure. I don’t have all the details. That may sound odd: like how do you not know if your mom is dying? Well…it’s really not that odd considering my family history. My remaining family is as follows: my mom and two younger sisters. None of us really talk to each other. The past is like a dark cloud that is always hanging over us and none of us know how to get out from under it. We try. Sometimes we succeed for a short while, but it always comes back. It feels a lot like being trapped. My defense mechanism is to just ignore it and hope that it will go away. It never stays away for very long.
So my mom is sick. One of my sisters is a heroin addict. My other sister is just sick of everyone’s shit and has pretty much isolated herself. She’s also very, very angry. We are all estranged due to a history of violence, abuse, and neglect. It’s no one person’s fault. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t blame my mom for it. I certainly used to, but I’m older now and I get how this shit happens. That said, we all are who we are, for better or for worse, and it has been my life’s goal to escape that history. To make a better life for myself. To ensure my child has a happy childhood. In an attempt to do so, I have left behind people whom I felt were toxic. Therefore, these relationships have fallen to the wayside.
I have a reputation within my family for being cold and/or unfeeling. Oh Jennifer doesn’t care about us. She thinks she’s better than us. Blah, blah, blah whatever. In reality, Jennifer is sad. Jennifer is broken. Jennifer is tired. And she’s sick of hearing excuses. She’s done with reliving her abusive past. She wants to concentrate on the future. If you want to be in that future, then you may have to change. If you can’t change, then that is on you. Not me. I love every single one of you, but sometimes love alone just isn’t enough.
But I’m here. And I’m ready to try. The ball is in your court now. Don’t fuck it up.
I said that three times today. Each time with tears in my eyes.
To my son.
To my boyfriend.
To my college bestie as I hugged him after his wedding.
I really do hope they all know. I don’t love many people. If I tell you I love you, it fucking means something.
The song I Know by Fiona Apple will always remind me of my boyfriend and the beginning of our relationship.
It will also always make me cry.
Tonight as I was heating up my dinner (leftover deep dish pizza from Pi), I started thinking about all the ways my boyfriend and I have influenced changes in each other over the past three years. This may seem strange, but I never used to eat deep dish pizza (I’m a STL girl at heart: thin crust and provel ftw!). In fact, I used to profess a deep and utter hatred of it. However, I was quite looking forward to those leftovers tonight, and so my brain started making a list.
Ways in which I am different now (thanks to my bf):
- Hoppy beer. When we met back in 2011, I would have proudly told you (and did tell him) that my favorite beer was Michelob Ultra. Now it tastes like water to me. My current favorite? Bell’s Two Hearted Ale, but I can do hoppier (more hoppy?) when I’m feeling it.
- I save money. I was never big into saving money when I was married, though to be honest I never had any b/c my ex was always spending it. My boyfriend has taught me the benefit(s) of being thrifty, and he also encouraged me to start a 401k. I’m enjoying watching that money grow.
- Android phones. He turned me onto the awesomeness that is the android phone, and made me aware of the weird (and sometimes inexplicable) Apple brand loyalty. I’m in love with my Samsung Galaxy and I don’t see myself going back to iPhone unless they make some changes. (I took A LOT of crap from my friends over this. A lot.)
- I’m happy. I’m just generally a happier person around him, and my self-esteem is in a much better place. He supports my career. He compliments my body. He allows me to be me.
- HE MADE ME LIKE STAR TREK. This is, perhaps, the most important and amazing point of all.
I’m sure there are many more, but this is what occurred to me while I was heating up that pizza.
A few ways in which I have changed him:
- He likes Dave Matthews Band. This is pretty amazing considering the irrational hatred his ex has for that band.
- He cuddles now, and he likes it.
- He spends money. He was pretty cheap when we met, to be honest.
- He enjoys spending time in the city. (Though I don’t let him drive around here very often b/c then Red Dave comes out).
- He expresses his emotions/feelings. This took quite a bit of work. Engineers… *sigh*
- He loves Game of Thrones.
This was fun. <3
My boyfriend and I don’t fight very often. We tend to have one big blow up fight per year. Luckily, we always seem to come out stronger on the other side. I think we have now paid our dues for 2015, and I’m looking forward to the rest of the year being drama free & happy. Back to our regularly scheduled awesomeness.
I’m also looking forward to the make up sex tonight. That almost makes it all worth it.
Except not really because I hate fighting with him. HATE IT.