desperately seeking something

The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.

It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.

I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.

I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.

just one step at a time

I’ve been up since about 4:30 am worrying about various things. Around 5:30 am, I decided it was stupid to lie around worrying about stuff, when I could just get up and do some of the stuff. So I did. I got to the office super early. I cleared a bunch of stuff off my desk. Also, I am now >this< close to being done with these fucking responses that are due on Friday. I think maybe they’re sort of good. I feel like they are persuasive, and that’s what really matters. I don’t actually have to do the oral arguments until July 20, but I’m sort of locked into whatever I write in these written responses, so…stress.

Of course, I also awoke to various emails, court filings, and emergencies, so the stress just keeps on keeping on. But at least I’m making some sort of progress. Sometimes that’s all you can hope for. I get a strange satisfaction from literally marking something off my to-do list.

I typically work from home on Mondays, so I’m going to pack up in a bit and head back to the homestead. I will then finish my writing for the day, and maybe even find time for a run before the bestie comes over tonight to hang out.

it hit like a fucking bullet

We’re about fifty miles from home now, and my mind has already started listing out all the work shit that absolutely must get done this week; including one huge thing that is causing me much anxiety. Because where do I even start with that monster project? Oh and my business partner is on vacation this entire week…because of course. So when will I even find the time??

Ugh…the weekend is over, peeps. Back to the crushing, stressful hell that is lawyer life.

just breathe 

I feel exhausted. I keep almost falling asleep while driving. Not good. Not good. 

Chronic fatigue is a real medical condition. I need to remember just how much I’ve endured, and stop giving myself shit for practicing self-care.

I’m stressed. I feel like everyone needs something from me, and I’m running out of stuff to give. 

But nobody said it would be easy. Right? 

I’m currently relaxing in my giant tub with bubbles, candles, and red wine. I have a man who loves and supports me. I have two amazing kids. I have awesome friends, and a kick ass career. 

Everything’s gonna be just fine.

let it go

I spend so much time feeling stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed that I have started to believe that this is just how life goes. I’m not quite ready to give into that line of thinking, however. So I’ve started doing stuff lately to try to make a difference. 

Some things I have tried/am trying:

  • practicing mindfulness
  • less social media
  • more exercise
  • more organization
  • self-care
  • some of the things from this 30 day minimalist challenge

For example, tonight I did a bunch of cleaning and organizing (including getting rid of a bunch of stuff that had taken over my closet). I had dinner with my kid. We built one of the LEGO sets together while chatting about our days. I avoided the internet, instead choosing to listen to music and read. I cleaned out my inbox and unsubscribed from a ton of emails (I love And I turned notifications off.

I have some more ideas for things that I think will help. I know it seems silly in our digital age, but I’m going to be buying a day planner/note keeper for all of my lists and stuff. (You should see all the post it notes I have stuck to my desk, computer monitor, case files, etc.)  I’ll still use Google Keep for some things, but I enjoy writing things out, so I think this will be a good move for me. Besides, I’ve been wanting an excuse to buy an Erin Condren LifePlanner

I still feel really overwhelmed, but all I can do is take it one day at a time, and try not to be so hard on myself. After all, I’m a work in progress. 

reason #1,000,001…

that my bf is awesome.

I text him and tell him I have to cancel our plans to go out because my ex just asked me to take our kid tonight (as the ex is apparently ill).  His response? I’ll come over and make dinner.

*all the heart eyes*

I’m having a crazy fucking stressful day today, like I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t really have time to get into it anyway.



is always the answer to relieving my stress & anxiety. I always feel so much better about myself and about life afterward. There is no drug that can provide this same feeling. 

I did 5k tonight. I think I want to do the 10k Go STL (Halloween) race in October. I have some work to do in order to pull that off, but I love having goals so yay. 

Two years ago I ran the October half-marathon. I’d love to do it again, but I just don’t think my knee can handle it.