a classic stl muni court tale

I went to court this afternoon to pull some warrants, and there was a dude in the waiting area who was singing and dancing while waiting on the courtroom to be unlocked. He was singing that Rod Stewart song that goes something like, “Some guys have all the luck/some guys have all the pain/some guys get all the breaks/some guys do nothing but complain…” The funny thing is that it didn’t even occur to me that this was in any way unusual. This sort of shit happens all the time at city court.

Later, I was getting compliance letters from the clerk, and this same dude was standing around waiting for me. He asked if I was an attorney, and I reluctantly said yes (lol), because I knew what was coming. He then launched into a very confusing tale regarding his situation and need for legal assistance, of course. We talked for about 20 minutes, and I still cannot tell you wtf he has going on. Some kind of “maybe traffic mixed with a little domestic violence because he wouldn’t get off the porch, but he doesn’t remember because it was three years ago, and it isn’t his fault the judge kicked him out of the courtroom for calling him beautiful, because he forgot that men don’t like to be called beautiful” type of situation.

And me, being the absolute sucker that I am, took pity on this poor fool, because he is clearly mentally ill, and gave him my card. I gave him some advice, told him to go home and call my office so we can run his name/dob and find out wtf is going on, and hopefully he will follow through. He seems like a genuinely nice person.

i’d cut a motherfucker…

This just happened in my last consultation:

Me: What is your marital status?

Him: Single.

Me (because I have learned the hard way): Have you ever been married?

Him: *long pause*

Him: I’m married.

Me: Are you separated or something?

Him: No. I’m just used to saying I’m single. *raises eyebrow at me and winks*
I guess you can put down whatever you think is best.

Me: Well, I’m going to put down that you are married, because you are legally married, and that means something whether you think it does or not.

**What’s even worse is that they just had a baby together one fucking month ago.

this is a new one

I met with this dude a while back. He wants to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Typically, I need pay stubs from the last six months if you’re going to file, but he told me he had been unemployed during that period. Cool. Makes my life easier.

Fast forward to today, when this same dude emails over a bunch of documents (so I can start prepping the case). He sends a bunch of pay stubs. Upon closer inspection, it seems he has created these pay stubs, from a website called Check Stub Maker. Each check has a watermark on it that says, “This watermark will be removed after purchase,” in big letters. Can’t miss it. So he goes to all this trouble to make pay stubs I wasn’t even looking for, that don’t help his case in anyway, and in fact may hurt his case, but then is too cheap and/or stupid to pay to get the fucking watermark removed. Jesus fuck, bro. Can’t make this stupidity up.

But my favorite part is still to come: My favorite part is that he misspelled the “employer’s” address. It should say South Hanley, but instead says Soutj Hanley.

lol lol lol.

It hurts my head trying to figure this out. Why??????

it just doesn’t make any sense

Why do you call an attorney’s office to get a quote on traffic tickets, and then when asked, “what jurisdiction/what charges/when’s the court date?” you are like, “oh I don’t know…I don’t have the tickets with me.”

It happens all the fucking time. It’s insanity. How can I quote you when I don’t know what the fuck I’m signing up to do?

Please try using your brain. It doesn’t hurt, I promise.

we’ll see about that, bro

Some guy just called and made an appointment to meet with me next Thursday to discuss bankruptcy. According to my assistant, upon finding out I’m a female, he chuckled and said, “Oh good. Female attorneys are way less intimidating.”

We shall see about that, motherfucker.

I put a note in his appointment on the calendar so I can remember he said it. That kind of shit annoys the fuck out of me.

In today’s version of “Stuff Clients Say”

One client recently bought a new car, despite the fact that she is already paying on two different cars, both of which are in excellent condition. In way of explanation, she said, “Well I made that decision (to buy the third car) while I was high on oxy, and I know I must have been really high too, because I told my boyfriend he could stick his thing in my butt. I never let him do that normally!”

Yep…that actually happened. I literally laughed out loud.


clients today

  • One got “taken by a scam” where he paid out over $15,000.00 (via iTunes gift cards) to someone he met through an online dating site, but never met or saw in real life. I shit you not. I wanted to ask him if he at least got some sexting action, but I didn’t.
  • Another had the most ridiculous fake eyelashes I have ever seen (which is really saying something) and I couldn’t stop staring at them. I wanted to pull them off so badly. Oh and she just doesn’t understand why she isn’t eligible to get a discharge of all this debt she’s accumulated – even though she just had a discharge of debt like four years ago. “UGH…IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!!!!!!”
  • This other dude came in wasted and absolutely reeking of alcohol. He looked like he was about five seconds away from completely losing his shit. After he left, I had to Febreze the entire downstairs and light a bunch of candles – the reek was overwhelming.
  • One more to go. I wonder what’s behind door number four??


today’s adventures in dealing with clients

**One lady came into the office, and told T, “I feel an evil presense in this building.” She then went out to her car and came back with a bundle of sage, which she burned for us to “drive out the bad spirits.” Because she just carries sage around with her…ya know, like you do.  She also laid hands upon T to bless her.

T was like, “So we should be good now.” And I responded, “Sage isn’t going to handle the demons though…” She looked quite dismayed. Haha.

**I just had an initial consultation with a 23-year-old man. During our conversation, he said, “I know this is really unprofessional and all, but you are really pretty, and do you have any kids? Are you married?”

I’m not wearing my wedding ring today, because my finger is swollen. I replied, “Oh thank you. Yes, I have kids. Yes, I am married. I am also old enough to be your mother.”

Him, “Mmm. Damn.”

Me: “So moving on…”