in the thick of it

This week has been…a lot. I’m so grateful it’s Friday. I am ready to cut loose and have a fun-filled weekend. We originally had plans scheduled tonight with Matt & Jen, and then Rob and Ann Saturday night, but all of those plans have been canceled. It’s a non-custody weekend, and we plan to dig in and do our thing this weekend: just us two. Right now we just don’t have time for anyone other than us (and the kids obviously).

When D got home last night, he was still sort of weepy and bummed out, so I gave him a stern talking to, which basically boiled down to: I’m not dead yet. Stop mourning me already. It helped. In fact, he was like, “I need you to yell at me. What would I do if I didn’t have you to yell at me?” I didn’t yell (lol), but you get the idea.

Anyway – we had a great night last night. We made dinner, and watched the newest Picard. We had very hot, intense, passionate, emotional sex (twice). We talked about a lot of stuff – some sad stuff, some future plans, some what-ifs, but it wasn’t super sad or anything. It’s taking a toll – the not knowing – but we are doing the best that we can under the circumstances.

The plan for tonight is to do our normal Friday night routine; meaning we will make dinner and eventually watch something. I haven’t been drinking much recently because of my stomach issues, but we are going to drink one of our bottles of Picard wine tonight. More on that later!

As far as the rest of the weekend is concerned, we’ve thrown out a bunch of ideas. I know we are going to finally tackle our DMB poster project (and some other home decor shit we’ve been putting off). There will be pics – duh. And we talked about maybe doing our tattoos finally. All I know is that I am tired of putting stuff off. It’s like the blog title says: the future is no place to place your better days. It’s easy to lose sight of how fleeting and precious life is, and, even if I’m absolutely fine, I am actually kind of grateful for the reminder. I needed this kick in the ass.

I’m wearing a dress and necklace that I’ve had for a while, but haven’t worn out of the house before. It’s time to be bold. What am I waiting for?

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In other news –

  • I am obsessed with the My Favorite Murder podcast, and have been listening to it all day. I’m glad I’m not the only weirdo obsessed with true crime.
  • D wants to know my top 5 vacation requests – so I’ve been thinking about that. I def want to do England/Ireland. I also want to do over-the-water bungalows somewhere exotic as fuck. And I want to take the kids on a kick-ass family vacation this summer. We had been discussing a trip to Florida, but now I’m thinking Cancun or Turks & Caicos. Go big or go the fuck home. I want the memories, and, more importantly, I want them to have the memories.
  • I also told D last night that, if we get bad news, I want a second opinion (and maybe a third) on treatment. I’ll do whatever Dr. Rearden tells me to do while we wait, but we have enough money that I can get a second opinion from one of the really prestigious cancer centers, like MD Anderson or Sloan Kettering or the fucking Mayo Clinic. I’m not fucking around with this shit. I want all the time I can squeeze out of this body.
  • I want to head over to Illinois and check out the weed shops. I also want to get some CBD oil. Again – this is all stuff I’ve wanted to do, but always put off. It’s time.
  • Oh and I almost forgot: Scott (former business partner) texted me. I told him what is going on, and it sounds like he will do whatever I want to do. He got really emotional actually. I told him I’d contact him in a couple of weeks and we can meet to discuss things. I need that put to bed so that I can make plans for the future. Regardless of my prognosis, I know that I have to change my career in a big way. The stress has taken a huge toll on my health, and I simply cannot do it anymore. At least not like this. I hate being a business owner. Yeah – there are a few perks – but mostly it is a fucking never-ending grind, that has resulted in very little money and even less satisfaction. It is not worth it. If this cancer doesn’t kill me, this job will.
  • So there ya have it. Have a great day, a fabulous weekend, and, as my grandfather used to always say, “Don’t take any wooden nickels.”

 

 

Back at it!

At hearing #1. I’m way early. My client was supposed to be here six minutes ago, but I told him to come super early because I knew he’d be late.

I have to do something about this anxiety and insomnia. I’ve gotten like six hours of sleep over the last two nights.

A bright spot: I’m wearing tights that used to be uncomfortable, and a fitted dress that used to show major mom bulge. My mom tummy is much reduced. Woot.

I’m determined to have a better day today. All I can control in life is my own attitude.

Monday: just not feeling it.

I’m still rocking eye makeup from Saturday night. I have zero fucks to give today. Oh but I did manage to fix my favorite brooch, which I’m wearing today. That, at least, brings me a small bit of joy.

Today I have three courts to go to. Tomorrow I have three courts to go to. Online inquiries are ramping up. Busy season looms large, and I just want to stay in bed instead, please and thank you.

I’m glad I’m meeting my new primary care doc on the 21st. I have to get some relief for my raging anxiety and insomnia. Last night, my heart was racing for hours and I felt like I was going to die.