winter is coming

  1. I woke up this morning and was almost instantly annoyed because it’s so fucking cold. I went outside and it was snowing. Just flurries, but still. I hate cold weather so much. There are maybe six weeks out of every year where I’m actually happy with the weather. I should move back to Southern California.
  2. I am mostly moved into my new office. It’s huge, and it feels empty. I think I need to put a couch in there. Something. It’s also really cold in there.  It’s a really ugly green color. I’m not feeling that at all.  That’s going to have to go.  Anyway, I’m in decorating mode. I need it to feel more cozy and Jenn-like.
  3. I have been in a super grumpy mood all day (see #1) and then I checked my mail to find that I had a save the date card from honoluluorbust. I’m so happy and excited for him.  He’s one of my oldest friends, and I’m super pumped about his wedding. His fiance is the coolest, sweetest guy ever.  OMG SO EXCITED.
  4. Leaving the office early to drink beer and eat chocolate covered cherries also helped improve my mood. I still think I could benefit from a nap before my bf gets here. He told me I better not be grumpy when he gets here.  He’s going to get laid either way so does it really matter? We shall see.  Besides, I’m always nice to him. He’s too cute for me to be mean to him.
  5. Wanna see my “nipple”?

image

while the boyfriends are away, the besties will play

Mine is in Scotland. Her’s is in Arkansas.  This left us with plenty of free time to do the following:

  1. Eat lunch at Sugarfire. So. Much. Yum.
  2. We finally got our matching bff tattoos. (This was something we discussed back in the chemo lounge, so it was exciting to finally get it done.)  We each got a pink heart.
  3. Parenthood marathon. She’s been telling me to check it out for months now. I finally went for it. I love it so far.
  4. Yummy mexican food and sangria at Gringo.
  5. The Cup.  Their cupcakes are the best. Totally worth the calories.
  6.  We watched The Conjuring, which she hadn’t seen. I love that she will watch horror movies with me. <3
  7. Then she told me she had never seen It’s Always Sunny and I was like, “Um…wtf?” so we fixed that.

I love bestie bonding time. 

when it’s over

I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday for my final follow-up appointment.  She said that the incisions look great, and that she is pleased. She brought up nipple reconstruction again, and said that she’s concerned my radiation boob cannot handle the surgery to create the bump, especially considering how long it took my incisions to heal.  She recommends doing a 3D nipple tattoo instead. I am not too bummed about it, because the reconstruction was actually my last choice. I’m debating between the 3D nipple and a regular tattoo. I think the regular tattoo is winning. I like the idea of flowers or hearts.  I like that it would cover the entire scar instead of just a portion of it. I think that would look better. I’m going to use my scar strips for a few months while I figure out exactly what I want.

We also talked about doing another round of fat grating.  Probably in April. She says she can make them look better.  I’m not sure where she is going to take the fat from. We are running out.  Is this an excuse for me to eat a lot of cookies and cupcakes?

It was weird to leave the office yesterday knowing that I don’t have to go back if I don’t feel like it. If I do decide to go the 3D nipple tattoo route, I’m not doing it at their office. If I don’t want to do more fat grafting, I have no reason to go back.  With the exception of the Tamoxifen I take on a nightly basis, cancer treatment is a thing of the past. I know I’m lucky, and I’m certainly happy about it, but it does feel weird. 

I made it.

decisions, decisions

It seems that I’m in a bloggy mood today.

I’ve had nipples on my mind lately. I, unfortunately, don’t have mine anymore. I used to have two cute, small, pink nipples before cancer took them from me. Now that my permanent implants are finally in place, it’s finally time to give real thought to nipple reconstruction.  It was always something I pushed to the back of my mind, because it felt so far away, but here I am a year later. It’s time to make a decision.  I know I don’t have to decide right now. It’s not like there’s a limited time in which to do something.  It’s simply that I want to complete the process and move on with my life.  At least to the extent moving on is even possible.

I have four options as I see it:

  1. Do nothing.  Let the scars heal, and leave it at that.  I like this option the least.
  2. Nipple reconstruction.  My plastic surgeon will create a nipple and tattoo an areola. This is as close to being “normal” as I can get at this point.
  3. 3D nipple tattoo. These look real, and even appear to have projection, but will actually just be a tattoo.  Like this:  
  4. Get a tattoo of something else.  For example, I really like this:

I don’t know what to do.  It’s such a difficult decision. 

I’m also considering getting a tattoo to cover my port scar. I hate it.  It healed nicely before, but this time it is much more visible. If I’m going to have something there, I figure it should be something I like, but again, this is a difficult decision. 

Fuck.