I’m just going to say it

Because fuck it.

I’m sitting in the parking lot at the orthodontist’s office, and I need to vent.

Guess who couldn’t be bothered to show up today? Yep…Jackson’s dad. I mean I’m not surprised or anything, but I am angry and disappointed. It’s bad enough I have to carry the financial burden on my own, and the time burden too; since despite the fact that he’s unemployed, I can’t trust him to get Jackson where he needs to be. I’m just extremely fucking frustrated right now and I needed to put it out into the world. So here it is.

Ugh.

*hulk smash*

This is a stupid, petty little rant, but I need to get it out:

I fucking hate co-parenting sometimes.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I bought tickets for the family to go see Rogue One tonight. I bought these tickets like two weeks ago as part of the kids’ Christmas countdown activities. We made a point of telling the kids about it ahead of time so that they could tell the other parents about it. We wanted to avoid having them see it twice in a short period of time. Both of the other parents are big Star Wars fans, so this was a good possibility. I even told my ex about it personally, because I knew I couldn’t rely on children to relay information.

So what happens? Both kids told us when we spoke to them this weekend that they had seen the movie with the other parents. Okay fine. I can still work with that. But…it gets better! My ex called earlier to tell me something unrelated and happened to mention that he took Jackson to see it twice this weekend. Fucking twice. When he knew we had tickets to go see it tonight!

That’s just such a dick move, in my opinion. He just shit all over my fucking plans. I paid like fifty fucking dollars for these tickets, and there is no way Jackson is going to want to see it a third time in as many days. I don’t blame him. Ugh I’m just so (admittedly probably irrationally) angry about this and I want to shit all over something that is important to him just to be an asshole.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck you so fucking hard. Grrr.

 

Parent/teacher conference was tonight…

I swear to fucking god my ex is a master at making literally everything about himself. 

Teacher: Jackson really loves books. 

The ex: Oh that’s because I’m in publishing so books are a huge part of my life…blah blah blah.

Teacher: Jackson is advanced on everything but writing.

The ex: Oh that’s crazy because I’m a published author. Blah blah blah.

Me: 😡😡😡😡😡

matter of fact 

Today my ex told me, among other things, that he’s not in love with me anymore.

He went on to say that he was explaining to Jackson that we met when we were very young (18) and that people just grow apart, and that’s why we had to get divorced. 

It was surprisingly mature for someone I typically describe as a man-child.

Anyway…I was glad to hear it. Though I’ve been mostly over the guilt for a while now. It has almost been five years, after all. Plus, if the exes can’t see that we are all better off now then they must be blind. Who wants to be stuck in a loveless marriage? 

So yeah…that happened today.

maybe you need to be a different kind of person?

I had an awkward conversation with my ex a bit ago.

He called to (supposedly) ask my advice about a shitty situation he finds himself in, though I think he really just wanted to talk about it. Apparently, he has been banging some chick for the past couple of weeks in order to get over his break up with Alaska chick. To make a long story short, this woman is apparently an alcoholic who has admittedly stolen things (including prescription drugs) from previous boyfriends. He is very confident that she stole one of his guitars when she left his house this morning. He plans to confront her about it (though I told him that was likely pointless), and probably file a police report so he can file a renter’s insurance claim (per my advice).

Anyway, he started complaining about how hard dating is and made the comment, “I don’t pull down lawyers anymore.” To which I replied, “Well you used to, so…” He replied, “I’m not that kind of person anymore.”

What I didn’t say, but wanted to, was, “Maybe you need to be a different kind of person then.” Not because he needs to be dating lawyers, but because dating fucked up people who steal from you is not a good alternative. Especially when you have a kid. How about working on yourself? If you can’t find someone worthy of being in your life, how about not dating?

I can’t even. Way to always be a fucking victim. The unspoken theme throughout the conversation (throughout all of our conversations really) is “you divorced me and broke my heart so now I’m doomed to date degenerates.”

Good call, dude. Way to adult.

Maybe I’m being too harsh? That’s possible. I’m hard on people, though I don’t expect more from anyone else than I demand from myself.

Anyway, that’s my truth for the day.

dude, wtf?

I’ve gotta get my rant on:

So I pick Jackson up from school this afternoon and he doesn’t have his coat. It’s 35 fucking degrees outside and so I’m obviously like wtf? He explains to me that his dad was running late this morning (*let me mention here that it was already a late start day, which means school didn’t start until fucking 11 am) and told Jackson he didn’t have time to go back for it. Despite the fact that he lives fucking five minutes from the school and has no place to be because he has no job. Then I’m like, so what did you do during recess? And Jackson explains that his teacher had him wear a coat from the lost and found, which I’m obviously grateful for because it was cold and all, but still…ugh.  Now we look like incompetent asshole parents and I am fucking pissed. I would never have allowed this. 

Maybe I’m overreacting…I don’t know. I’m pissed though.

THEN…

I call him and I’m like yeah I need to come by to get the coat. He acted all put out by this and sounded as though I had woken him up. It was 4:15 pm, btw. Anyway, I go get it and he’s completely unapologetic about it. I wanted to talk shit, but I won’t get into it with him in front of our kid because I’m not trash. 

On the way home, I had to stop at the drug store because we needed children’s Advil, and Jackson jumped out of the car without his coat on (he had been buckled in when his dad threw it in the car, so he didn’t put it on then). I reached back into the car to grab it and hit my head so very hard against the top of the door. So hard. I saw black spots. I got dizzy. My vision blurred. I became nauseous and felt a stabbing pain behind my eye. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

So I’m pretty sure I have a mild concussion. I’m home now. Still hurts. I’m grumpy as fuck and I have decided to blame it all on my ex.

The end. 

come at me, bro

My ex has been talking shit about my boyfriend to my son and then telling my son to keep it a secret. I’m furious about that for reasons that are so obvious I don’t think I need to express them here. 

The most mind blowing part is what he has been telling him. He told Jackson that he shouldn’t try to be like Dave, because Dave doesn’t have a real job and just sits around pretending to work. Dave has a PhD in electrical engineering and is the head of a research and development group. My ex is a wannabe comic book writer who has made all of $1400 from his writing in the last ten years, and, up until a month ago, lived in his mom’s basement.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? 

Jackson told me he disagrees with his dad, but doesn’t want to get yelled at. He also said that it makes him sad to be put in the middle like this.

*deep breaths*

I’m trying to calm down so I can think out my next move. 

perspective

A large glass of wine and a chat with the bf have given me perspective on the “my ex knows about my blog” situation.

I have spent a long time now feeling super guilty about the fact that I ended our marriage. It was absolutely not something he wanted, and he didn’t let me go easily. He fought for a good long time, and even pulled a few really dirty, manipulative tricks. I have forgiven him for that, and I give him a lot of leeway because of the guilt I continue to feel over breaking his heart.

When I see him nowadays, he often tells me about what is going on in his life: who he is dating, where he goes with his friends, etc. In the beginning, it was sort of hard to hear about all the fun he was having going out and living it up, because that was always something I wanted us to do together and he always refused. But I decided to grin and fucking bear it because that’s what you do.  He still does it now, but it’s not a big deal to me at this point. The point is: I certainly never, ever talk to him about anything going on in my life unless it concerns Jackson.  Because I’m not trying to rub his face in it.

But is that really fair? I’m not saying I want to rub his face in it, but is it fair for him to tell me all about his life while I keep mine quiet like some big dirty secret? It’s not a dirty secret. I am ridiculously happy now. I did what I had to do to be happy, and it wasn’t easy. I worked hard for this. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. That is bullshit.

And on some level it probably isn’t even him making me feel that way… it’s me. I’m doing this to myself. Because my guilt continues to eat at me, even now, despite all of my exclamations to the contrary. So really it’s my fault and it’s my problem.

This blog is mine. It means a lot to me. Probably more than it should. I’m not going to censor myself because he (or anyone else who doesn’t like it) may choose to read it. Fuck that. I have to move past this shit.

I totally get that reading this would make him unhappy, but that is a personal choice, and therefore it is his own personal problem. Not mine.

tl;dr: read at your own risk. 

what i deserve is comfort for my shaken soul

– Jackson is trying to teach me to build shit in Minecraft and it’s both fun and completely frustrating. We are both ridiculously stubborn. *sigh*

– I rediscovered Kelly Willis last night. I bought my two favorite albums on Amazon Music last night and I’ve been listening to them over and over. (Easy & What I Deserve. They aren’t on Spotify. WTF, Spotify?)  It’s a blast from the past, but in the best way possible. One thing I can say for my ex: he has always had amazing taste in music. (And he totally reminds me of the Jack Black character in High Fidelity).

– I woke up to discover I was out of Diet Pepsi, so I had to drink the Diet Mountain Dew I keep on hand for the bf instead. Ugh. Epic grocery shopping fail.

– I’m reading Those Girls by Chevy Stevens and it’s so good. I was hooked from page one. I’m over halfway through now, so I’ll def finish it this weekend. I’ll be sad when it’s over. The first major scene in the book was like a brutal reminder of growing up. If domestic violence, rape, and torture are triggers for you: DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

– I’m feeling crafty today. I’m going to venture out to finally buy my embroidery hoop so I can start on my needlepoint project. I also feel like making some cards/writing some letters. If you want one, message me your address. I love handwriting letters. Emails are so impersonal. Also, getting mail is just fun. 

Minions tonight! In the suite seats. With the bf and his daughter. ❤❤❤