come at me, bro

My ex has been talking shit about my boyfriend to my son and then telling my son to keep it a secret. I’m furious about that for reasons that are so obvious I don’t think I need to express them here. 

The most mind blowing part is what he has been telling him. He told Jackson that he shouldn’t try to be like Dave, because Dave doesn’t have a real job and just sits around pretending to work. Dave has a PhD in electrical engineering and is the head of a research and development group. My ex is a wannabe comic book writer who has made all of $1400 from his writing in the last ten years, and, up until a month ago, lived in his mom’s basement.


Jackson told me he disagrees with his dad, but doesn’t want to get yelled at. He also said that it makes him sad to be put in the middle like this.

*deep breaths*

I’m trying to calm down so I can think out my next move. 


A large glass of wine and a chat with the bf have given me perspective on the “my ex knows about my blog” situation.

I have spent a long time now feeling super guilty about the fact that I ended our marriage. It was absolutely not something he wanted, and he didn’t let me go easily. He fought for a good long time, and even pulled a few really dirty, manipulative tricks. I have forgiven him for that, and I give him a lot of leeway because of the guilt I continue to feel over breaking his heart.

When I see him nowadays, he often tells me about what is going on in his life: who he is dating, where he goes with his friends, etc. In the beginning, it was sort of hard to hear about all the fun he was having going out and living it up, because that was always something I wanted us to do together and he always refused. But I decided to grin and fucking bear it because that’s what you do.  He still does it now, but it’s not a big deal to me at this point. The point is: I certainly never, ever talk to him about anything going on in my life unless it concerns Jackson.  Because I’m not trying to rub his face in it.

But is that really fair? I’m not saying I want to rub his face in it, but is it fair for him to tell me all about his life while I keep mine quiet like some big dirty secret? It’s not a dirty secret. I am ridiculously happy now. I did what I had to do to be happy, and it wasn’t easy. I worked hard for this. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. That is bullshit.

And on some level it probably isn’t even him making me feel that way… it’s me. I’m doing this to myself. Because my guilt continues to eat at me, even now, despite all of my exclamations to the contrary. So really it’s my fault and it’s my problem.

This blog is mine. It means a lot to me. Probably more than it should. I’m not going to censor myself because he (or anyone else who doesn’t like it) may choose to read it. Fuck that. I have to move past this shit.

I totally get that reading this would make him unhappy, but that is a personal choice, and therefore it is his own personal problem. Not mine.

tl;dr: read at your own risk. 

what i deserve is comfort for my shaken soul

– Jackson is trying to teach me to build shit in Minecraft and it’s both fun and completely frustrating. We are both ridiculously stubborn. *sigh*

– I rediscovered Kelly Willis last night. I bought my two favorite albums on Amazon Music last night and I’ve been listening to them over and over. (Easy & What I Deserve. They aren’t on Spotify. WTF, Spotify?)  It’s a blast from the past, but in the best way possible. One thing I can say for my ex: he has always had amazing taste in music. (And he totally reminds me of the Jack Black character in High Fidelity).

– I woke up to discover I was out of Diet Pepsi, so I had to drink the Diet Mountain Dew I keep on hand for the bf instead. Ugh. Epic grocery shopping fail.

– I’m reading Those Girls by Chevy Stevens and it’s so good. I was hooked from page one. I’m over halfway through now, so I’ll def finish it this weekend. I’ll be sad when it’s over. The first major scene in the book was like a brutal reminder of growing up. If domestic violence, rape, and torture are triggers for you: DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

– I’m feeling crafty today. I’m going to venture out to finally buy my embroidery hoop so I can start on my needlepoint project. I also feel like making some cards/writing some letters. If you want one, message me your address. I love handwriting letters. Emails are so impersonal. Also, getting mail is just fun. 

Minions tonight! In the suite seats. With the bf and his daughter. ❤❤❤ 

wacky wednesday

I had a busy morning of lawyering and now I want a nap. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and it’s starting to catch up with me. Tonight is my night! (At least I hope it is.)

Lunch date with the bf this afternoon. Yay.

Dinner date tonight with the bestie and Naarah. I would normally have Jackson tonight (and this weekend) but he is going to Texas with his dad and grandmother instead. To stop myself from being depressed about it, I have decided to fill up my week/weekend with fun activities. 

This was probably not the best week to start a new horror novel. Oops.

Yesterday I totally Facebook stalked my ex and his new gf. (I know, I know.)  They are cute together, and appear happy. This made me quite happy, and also relieved. The guilt eats at me still. 

I’m expecting (yet another) Modcloth package to arrive today. *squee*

every little thing is gonna be alright

  1. The bf and I went to the beer festival this afternoon. (Wolpertinger)
  2. His ex-wife was there with her bf, and she came up to us and said hi. She even introduced us to her bf.  This may not seem like a big deal, but if you would have asked me 2 ½ years ago if that was a possibility I would have told you no fucking way.  It was pretty ballsy of her to do it, and you could tell she was nervous, but it was really fucking cool. So…shout out to her for being awesome.
  3. That’s not to say it wasn’t super strange, because it definitely was. I still can’t believe it actually happened. It made my bf really happy though, and that makes me happy. 
  4. It’s interesting b/c recently I have had a few conversations with my ex that have led me to believe that he’s in a good place right now. He seems happy.  All of the bitterness seems to have faded away.  It sounds like he may have a gf (or potential gf) that he’s really into. I hope it works out. I want him to be happy. He deserves it. 
  5. There was a lot of good beer this afternoon, but the Wolpertinger beer was so nasty that I almost spit it out.  Ugh. Try harder next year, UCBC. 
  6. I haven’t been able to stay up past 9:30 pm the last two nights, and it’s not looking much better tonight. This jet lag has got to go. 
  7. The best part of today: I got three hugs/cuddles from the bf’s daughter. That made my heart happy. Progress!!

I want to send this to my ex, but I won’t.

I really identified with this. At one point, it was like he was describing my life with my ex-husband. The points contained in this post, especially #3, are realizations I had that finally convinced me I needed to call it quits.

While I am still occasionally sad about it, I have no regrets. Life is too short to spend with someone who makes you unhappy. No matter how much you love them.

Love does not equal compatibility.

Love Is Not Enough

I’m an excellent ex-wife.  Sure…I broke his heart and all that, but I just picked up his meds for him after his surgery, and I take care of all of his legal issues for free. I am very flexible with the custody schedule (so that he can go out on dates). I pay for his cell phone.  I’m never late on support payments. I could go on, but you get the idea.

My friends tell me I’m a sucker. I prefer to think I’m just a nice person. Besides, I loved him once, and he’s the father of my child, so it seems like the right thing to do.

And yes…I feel guilty. I will always feel guilty.

So this happened. My ex sent me these pics last night. Jackson has been asking to cut his hair “like daddy” and Grant decided he should fix the terrible haircut Jax got on Wednesday. (Great Clips blows). Unfortunately, he put on the wrong guard, and now my kid is mostly bald. He’s still adorable though, and apparently quite pleased.

Good thing he has a super warm winter hat. It’s currently 4 degrees outside.