the difficult questions

I pick the kids up from school on Mondays and Wednesdays because D is teaching a class those evenings. It has become something I look forward to as the kids are very talkative on the way home, and this is when I hear the most about their days/lives.

One interesting thing that has been happening recently is that they have been asking me a bunch of questions about my life. This prompted a conversation about my family and my childhood. This is always a difficult and delicate topic of discussion because it’s all adult themes: addiction, violence, crime, abuse, death, etc. Freya is new to the family so this is obviously all new to her. Jackson only has a very limited understanding of it himself. He has only met my mom and/or siblings a few times in his life, so he always has lots of questions about it as well.

I don’t lie to the kids ever, though I will withhold information if I think it is something they shouldn’t know yet, but I will typically explain that to them. Ultimately, I think it is good for them to understand that not every family is like our family. Not every kid is as lucky as they are. That some parents make bad choices that hurt themselves and their children; that these choices have life long and sometimes devastating consequences. I do tend to keep things pretty vague. They are too young for a detailed account. But they have responded well to what they have been told.

I will forever strive to make sure they always feel safe and loved, and I know their other parents do the same. These kids have a group of adults who love and adore them, which is exactly as it should be. (I am further comforted by the fact that when the next step-parent is introduced into the mix, it will be someone who feels the same, because the exes are top quality parents).

It’s weird though because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without all of those terrible experiences, which makes me think about whether I am a better person because of them or a good person in spite of them? What kind of person would I be if I had been lucky enough to have had a safe, loving, and nurturing childhood? It’s an interesting conundrum.

things that make me feel old

The other day Freya was playing this game on her iPad called “My Town: Grandparents” and she was showing me all the stuff the grandparents owned.

Freya: Jenn, what is this thing? (points at tiny object on the screen)

Me: That’s a cassette tape. We used to listen to music on them back in the day.

Her (with an incredulous look): What’s a cassette? How do you use it?

Me: With a tape deck. That thing right there (points to boombox in the corner of the screen). (I further explain how they work).

Her: That’s really weird.

Same game, different conversation:

Freya: Jenn, look at these clothes. This is like stuff you would have worn as a kid (points to a one piece bright paisley bell bottom jumpsuit with a matching headband).

Me: Frey, that is a style from like the 60s.

Her: Are you sure?

Me: Totally sure.

Her: Oh. I thought it was the 80s style. Are you sure you didn’t wear stuff like this?

Me: How old do you think I am?

To be fair, however, when I mentioned previously that I was 37 years old and so I knew a few things about life, she told me she had thought I was only 25. I hugged her and told her she was my favorite child.

i’m such a mom (and i don’t even care)

I saw this pic on Facebook today and was like OMG yes!


For example:

Saturday evening, after decorating the trees, D and I were excited to have a LOTR marathon with the kids. D turned on The Fellowship of the Ring and we all sat down to watch. About 30 minutes in the kids got super fidgety and started complaining that they wanted to get back to playing their game. D and I were sort of annoyed as we figured they wanted to play Minecraft or some such nonsense, but we let them go anyway. Later, I popped upstairs to check on them and they were taking turns pretending they were Santa Claus. They were using the Christmas tree box as a sleigh, which they filled up with presents, and then the non-Santa pretended to be a reindeer and pushed/pulled the other one around. It was absolutely adorable and it warmed my heart. Freya is ten and Jackson is seven, and so I recognize I have to enjoy these moments while they last. They are growing up way too fast for my liking.


on my mind: monday musings

I overslept this morning so I kept my kid home from camp. I also have a headache and my joints hurt. Yay Monday! The good news is that I only have to go into the office for a couple of hours this afternoon to do some interviews. We have two left and then we have a big decision to make!!

What sounds really amazing right now is a good book, a chai latte, and a kitten pile.

Speaking of kittens, Freya and I had a long conversation yesterday about what kind of kitten we want to get when we all move in together. (Dave has surrendered to the idea that this is happening.) So we googled pics of kittens and giggled about how cute they were. <3

I love spending time with both of the kids, but they are exhausting. That said, it’s awesome that they want to include me in everything they are doing: play hide and seek with us, play Minecraft with us, let’s play Sorry, let’s play Mario Party. It makes my heart happy.

Unfortunately, my entire day was under a bit of a dark cloud due to the family drama. The problem with associating with my family is that it brings up bad memories and puts me into a funk. I hate that my childhood unhappiness can still exert so much control over my present state of mind. I’m hopeful, however, that maybe if we can get together and make some good memories that I can start to move past it.

I have a big deposition tomorrow morning and I’m anxious about it. 

Dinner date with the bestie tonight. We have much to catch up on. Sounds like we will need wine. 

I wrote a poem last night. Who am I?


  1. We watched movies.  The kids watched the second half of Jurassic Park with us. I can’t figure out if that was a parenting fail since it’s PG-13, but whatever. They liked it. Except Jackson hid under the blanket whenever the T-rex was on the screen. I kind of don’t blame him. T-rex is scary as fuck. 
  2. We ate SO MUCH FOOD and it was delightful. 
  3. We went to Citygarden to play in the fountains.
  4. These kids and their Minecraft shit. They play it constantly. I don’t get it. I’m pretty sure that means I’m old. 
  5. The bf walked to Urban Chestnut to fill the growler with Fantasyland. <3
  6. There were fireworks galore. My neighbors are very into fireworks. In fact, the fireworks show on our street was better than what we later saw in Forest Park. Next year I’m just going to sit on the back porch and skip the park. 

I don’t have much to say today because it’s hot, I’m hungover, and I have a raging headache. Despite these things, I took my two favorite littles to the park earlier. We had a lot of fun, but we didn’t last long because ugh summer. Next time we are going swimming instead.

After a two hour nap, I still feel terrible. Who wants to cuddle and watch scary movies?