Obviously, I recognize that nothing is going to change tomorrow, but I’ve always been that person who considers the new year to be a fresh start. I’m currently super motivated about some goals that I have.
I also enjoy reflecting on the prior year, and always find myself doing one of these year in review posts on NYE. I haven’t had a crazy ass year like this since 2012. In 2012, I was going through a messy divorce, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I often refer to it as the worst and best year of my life, because it is also the year that D and I became a couple, and, despite everything, we had a lot of fun together. 2012 was a year of change.
I feel similarly about 2020. Lots of change this year, and not all of it has been bad. I received my MBC diagnosis in February, which obviously drastically changed our lives. We made a lot of plans that were then made moot in March when the pandemic started. While we had to put a lot of stuff on hold (like our travel plans), we started living our lives on fast forward. We began seizing opportunities for new adventures/experiences. MBC definitely resulted in D and I leveling up our relationship. Our communication game is on point. I feel closer to him than ever before. We’ve stopped planning for the distant future and started planning for right now. It has been a game changer in a lot of ways.
Another huge change was merging my firm. I felt stuck for so many years with the weight of the law firm resting upon my shoulders, and I had convinced myself there was no escape. Getting out of that situation felt impossibly difficult, and I felt like I was drowning every single day. I was pretty miserable; drinking too much to cope with the stress, lashing out at others because I felt trapped. I am so grateful to find myself where I am now. It’s like a giant boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. I am beyond pleased to no longer be the managing partner. I am so grateful to have a colleague who is so hard working and supportive. I am thankful to my husband for listening to years of my complaining and pushing me to make this happen. I couldn’t have done this without his support. I feel like I can breathe again.
I’m excited to see what adventures 2021 will bring. Every day is a gift – even the bad ones.
D keeps getting promoted, and is working more and more. His job is very demanding. As a result, I’m picking up more of the domestic slack, and, surprisingly, I don’t hate it. I need to pick up more responsibilities even. His workload will only increase, and he’s the breadwinner by far, so it makes sense for me to move into this more domestic role. Honestly, I’m a bit old fashioned, so like I said, I kind of like it.
Also, the custody schedule has changed. Frey has been stressed juggling her new obligations since starting high school, so she asked for a more streamlined schedule. Instead of every other day during the week, we now have her Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other weekend. We still have Jackson on Mondays and Wednesdays though, so we actually have kids more of the time than previously. Also not hating that set up.
Idk – kind of feels like we’re finally growing up. Lol. For a lot of our relationship, we’ve just been fucking around and doing whatever we want. This emotional maturity feels nice. But don’t be fooled: we’re still drinking, getting high, and fucking our besties in our free time.
I was telling my bestie tonight that I’m having some sort of identity crisis. I just really don’t like the state of me right now. I need to change some shit. I’m way, way over my look. I feel frumpy as fuck. And I feel like I’m getting dumber and lazier every single day. I’ve been despondent since February. I wasn’t going to dig in and change my life if I was just going to die in a few years, but if I’m going to have more time than that, which seems likely right now, then I’ve gotta dig in and do the work. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m ready to do so, and have been taking baby steps. Anyway – prepare yourselves, because I’m going to be harping on this for a while. I can feel it.
Oh and I hope I didn’t jinx myself with the whole “I think I’ll live longer than just a few years” thing.
Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest luckiest person in the world. It makes perfect sense to me. That’s all that matters.
It’s 11:46 pm and I’m hoping to feel tired soon. I’m riding a bit of a high from a night out with my bestie.